19

 

February 12th, 2021, the day of my 19th birthday. My oh my how things have changed since my last birthday. Putting myself back in the shoes of the 17-year-old girl who was writing down her thoughts and reflections about turning 18, I had absolutely no idea what the year ahead had in store. Last birthday was pre-lockdown. Last birthday, I was still numb and questioning my faith. Last birthday, I was literally stressing and worrying myself sick, causing me to have all sorts of issues in my digestive system and in my adrenals. Last birthday, I was jobless, collegeless, and had no idea where I would be after the graduation that was coming up in just 3 short months. Last birthday, I was nervous at the thought of adulthood! Last birthday, I was still in highschool. Last birthday, I hadn't yet been chosen to give the speech at my class's graduation ceremony, and had only JUST signed up to audition to do it the night before. Last birthday, I wasn't teaching music or working with a ministry. Last birthday, I had hopes of being engaged by this birthday (my boyfriend knows this and we've had many long discussions about our "plan", so don't anybody out there think that this is a passive aggressive hint, haha!). Last birthday, I was physically losing my voice due to stress causing too much tension and pressure on my vocal cords and upper back/shoulders. Last birthday, meeting with Jesus was more of a chore than a thrill for me. Last birthday, I had shorter hair! Though let's be honest, nobody really noticed 😜. Last birthday, I still had walls up around my heart that were keeping me from fully being able to love and experience the joy of being loved, and was only just starting to let them down (for an example for context, I made my boyfriend wait to tell me he loved me for over a year, and had only just told him 11 days before my 18th birthday that I was finally ready to open up my heart and take a major step towards recovering from being numb by letting myself take the risk of outwardly expressing inward feelings). Last birthday, my friends and the people I was around looked a lot different than they do now, let's just say that much! Last birthday, my words had been slowly fading away, and I thought about stopping writing all together. Last birthday, I was so afraid of what other people thought of me that I hadn't yet taken the time to consider what I thought of me, and more importantly what God thinks of me. Last birthday, I was a kid! And now, here I am, my last birthday as a teenager, and my first time entering a birthday as an adult and not a child. There is SO much more that I could write about what all has changed between last birthday and this one, but I'll keep this short and just say that God's been doing a mighty work. I still have so much to learn, and I'm currently on a long and hard road back to the life of freedom from the chains of my shame and of my memories, but unlike last birthday, I have hope that I'll live to see the beautiful view at the end of this journey. I am SO far from perfect, and I never want anyone to get the impression that I am or that I am trying to be. Sometimes I do admittedly put on a fake sort of "perfection" appearance to cover up how messed up and broken I really am, but I am working to throw that cover away and tap into what it is I really feel, and who it is I really am, once more. Just like that 15-year-old girl did who started sharing her writings, as raw and real as they were, simply because she knew that God speaks to others through the power of relatability. I want to go back to that, for as long as I exist on this earth. I fear every day of my life that something traumatic is going to happen, or that I or someone I love will have a medical emergency and die. I fear walking away from the Truth, and what would happen if I were to grow lukewarm in my faith. I fear what 19 is going to bring, after such a long and hard two years of life have never seemed to end... but despite my fears and humanity, I'm learning every day that God can be trusted. I have so many questions for Him, but I'm learning that He's not afraid to hear them, even if some of His people are. I'm learning that He knows what He's doing, and that I don't deserve His love and protection and grace, but that He gives it freely even when I'm on my face sobbing because I feel the weight of my sin. I'm learning He came to take that weight away, and that nothing is too heavy for Him to hold. I'm learning that perfect Love casts out ALL fear, and that my life is not my own, and my blessings can never be earned. I'm learning that, though at times I feel as though my cup is too much for me, God never makes a mistake in giving us exactly what He knows we can handle- with Him. I'm learning how to dance and sing for Him again. I'm learning how to rest in the confidence that, as my grandfather often said, "the good Lord will take care of me", and everyone I love also. I'm learning how to feel again, and how to take time to process what it is I do feel. I may not be perfect, but what I can tell you is that when I look at myself from this year compared to last year... I see growth. It wasn't an easy growth, but the kind of growth that came through many tears, "whys?", and sleepless nights. I see a peace on my face that wasn't there a year ago. I see a hope in my eyes, and a light that's learning that it has an invitation to break free again. I see a creation that has been formed by God, and that is exactly what and where it is meant to be, and I believe with all of my heart that He will complete the work that He has so beautifully begun in this being. I hope 19 teaches me more and more how to be free, and that by this time next year, when I'm facing 20, I can report that, despite the memories and the things that have tried to drag me down, my God lifted me up out of the pit. Somehow, I believe that that will be my story a year from now, and I will do all that I can to fight to make that story a reality, putting my full trust in the only One Who can truly make it so. I'm happy. I'm not perfect, and I'm not always put together, more often than not I'm a mess just like anybody else... but I'm happy. Because my God is amazing, and I look at my short life and see how merciful and kind He has been to a broken mess like me, who could give Him nothing but a stained and torn heart in return. He makes beautiful things out of brokenness, friends. I want 19 to be the year I share that Truth with every breath I breathe. 

How wonderful life is, scars and pain and all. Our God is bigger, and will never, ever fall.