Preparing for the Promise

How it began...

It started off as good stage chemistry... Apparently REALLY good stage chemistry.

We met through LifeLight Youth Theatre in late 2016, when Andrew was 15 and I was 14; but it took us until June 3rd of 2017 to finally start talking with each other. That first real conversation between us occurred at a cast party at IHOP on the closing night of the show Seussical, where I remember only choosing to sit across from him because he was sitting next to a guy I liked at the time who had told me earlier in the evening that he wanted to talk with me later that night. 

Little did I know while I was trying everything I could to be noticed by the boy to his left that my future husband was the one right in front of my eyes.

 Neither I nor Andrew remember anything we discussed that night, but Andrew remembers thinking after our conversation, “Wouldn't it be funny if anything ever happens between us? Then we could look back on this moment and laugh.”

However, nothing happened. At least not right away. People began to matchmake us together in their minds, even from that young age, but neither Andrew or I ever seriously considered the possibility of entering into a romantic relationship, and were barely friends at that. 

Turn the page to 2018...

 In early 2018, Andrew and my voice teacher decided to pair us together for a song she wanted us to do for the vocal recital that year. All of the practices for that broke the ice, and forced us to talk with one another more. We quickly realized that we enjoyed the other's company. By the time the recital rolled around, we were very comfortable around each other. Over the course of that summer, our friendship developed into a best friendship.

By August of 2018, during rehearsals for the show 'Oklahoma' (where we were playing opposite each other as the two lead love interests), we had both begun to develop a crush on the other; but we wouldn't ever have admitted it. We had both wasted our time focusing on crushes in the past, and had both come to the decision long ago that we weren’t going to date anyone in high school. Because of this, we both prayed about our developing feelings for each other every so often, but were quick to brush them aside and ignore them outside of prayer.

Yet as our friendship continued to develop, and we began to have deeper conversations, Andrew started to realize that his feelings for me were growing, and he wanted to pursue me. In fact, he left our first deep conversation about living for God as a teenager thinking, “wow. That’s the kind of girl I want to marry”.

However, he did not take the decision to pursue me lightly, and spent several months praying about it and seeking wisdom. I, on the other hand, was completely oblivious, and didn’t realize that there could have actually been something between us until early October of 2018, when a mutual friend strongly suggested to me that I should ask him to the spring formal because “he’d say yes to you”.

Once the thought was planted, I, too, began to spend months praying about it. Instead of just praying about it every so often, I began to take it to the Lord daily. I asked God to reveal to me what kind of a man this guy really was at the end of November, and a week later, my grandmother passed away. That may seem irrelevant, but guess who hugged me in the parking lot when I was leaving rehearsal to go say goodbye to my grandmother for the last time; gave me a ride to choir the next day because I didn’t have a car; tried to call me just to make sure I was okay; dropped everything he was doing to take me out to lunch on the day my grandmother died; gave me a ride to and from the production we were in the day after; encouraged and prayed for me nonstop; and was even planning on attending the visitation even though he had never met the woman?

By the end of that week, I knew in my heart that that was the kind of man I wanted to marry as well.

The feelings revealed...

I felt it heavily laid on my heart to pray for Andrew on the first day of 2019, though I had no idea why or even what to pray for. I spent the entire day praying for peace, guidance, wisdom, and various other things over him, and the next week-and-a-half praying specifically for God to let both of us know what to do about the possible relationship. At the same time, Andrew was praying very frequently about what to do about pursuing me, and was wrestling with the idea of letting me know how much he liked me while we were just 16 and 17. On January 13^th, I finally felt the pressing need to pray for it all subside; and on January 14th, 2019, at the end of our second rehearsal for the musical 'Peter Pan', Andrew felt God telling him that the time was right to tell me how he felt about me. Though he was unsure what would happen if he did, he listened to what he believed God was telling him to do, and on a cold Monday evening, with snow outside and next to nobody else around, he told me his thoughts in the café of the church where we met and fell in love at.

I was in so much shock that I was speechless, and instead of telling him any of the hundreds of things that I could have, I told him at the end of the night that I would, “get back to him when I could formulate words better”. Yes, that is a direct quote. I had plans to talk with him about it after choir the next day, and to ask him to wait a year so I could graduate high school first, but Andrew woke up that morning with a bad stomach bug and was unable to come to choir. I was super jumpy the whole day, especially around his sister Samantha who was the choir accompanist, and had no idea what to do next. I was going to talk with my parents about it after dinner that evening, but by the time that rolled around, I was bed-ridden and in seclusion with the same stomach bug Andrew had gotten.

We were each too sick to call, and neither one of us wanted to discuss the elephant in the room over text; so we just went about our week texting each other like we used to, as if nothing had ever gone down between us that Monday. Though it was a miserable and hilarious part of our relationship, all of that time spent in bed gave me time to think and pray about it, and I decided to change my mind on telling him to wait. 

On Monday, January 21^st, I told Andrew how I felt in return, and we went on our first date and became official on January 25^th. We danced through the hardships and joys of life together as boyfriend and girlfriend for the next 2 years, walking through the lowest of valleys and the highest of hills hand-in-hand, and through it all we grew deeper and deeper in love with each other, and above all, with our God. We found that we each possessed the ability to help each other in our faith and growth in ways that we hadn't experienced anyone else help us before, and that we each couldn't imagine our life without the other in it. Though we had known we desired to marry each other “one day” since pretty much the beginning, it wasn't until the COVID-19 crisis of 2020 when God revealed to both of us that “one day” was soon to be "today"...

2 months of not being able to see each other due to quarantine, a month of 6-feet-apart front porch dates, and several more months of mask-wearing dates were easily the most unique, and probably the most impactful, time in our entire dating relationship. We both grew so much, and by the end of that season, we were both ready for the next step.

MANY prayers went up for wisdom, providence, discernment, confirmation, and so on, regarding our relationship, during this time; and, as always, God showed up. He taught Andrew how to be a husband, and me how to be a wife, and we both realized that all along, through every trial we had experienced together that we would never want to do again… God was actually preparing us for the promise.

The engagement...

By December of 2020, we had decided that we were ready to move forward into engagement, with hopes of getting married by the end of 2022, when Andrew would be finishing his last year of college. We prayed about it for over a month, and then felt that we had a confirmation to move forward. 

On May 18^th of 2021, Andrew took me to Faust park, the park where I had spent many years giggling and dreaming as a child; brought me under a red bud tree, like the one we had danced under on the night of Andrew’s senior prom in 2019; got down on one knee; and asked me to marry him. I was happier than I'd ever been, and felt as though I were dreaming. I knew this day was coming, I had suspected since the night before that it would be on that day, and it felt fully natural and normal... and yet, for a moment, fears flashed through my mind. Fears about my health journey that I will not elaborate on in this post, but that has been a struggle for me in every way - mentally and physically - since late 2018. Fears about the unknowns of the future. Fears and grief about feeling continually stuck in my PTSD and anxiety while wanting to soak in every moment of the engagement.

These voices all flashed through my head in an instant, but what overpowered them all was the Voice of The Holy Spirit. I felt this overwhelming sense of peace break the chains of the voices of torment, and it felt like God was speaking to me Himself and saying, "Jaléna... Whatever happens, I'm in control. It's safe to say 'yes'." 

That was enough for me. My flesh was scared, but my spirit was stronger. And my spirit reminded me that even if things were going to go differently from how we wanted them to, God always has better in mind for His children. It was safe to accept this gift, not because I was promised perfect health, a certain number of years with this man, or even our wedding date! But because I could trust that God works out all things for good, even when they don't feel good, and that He promises to walk with us through it all.

The wedding countdown begins...

I gave the biggest smile of my life, I'm fully convinced of that, and said to this gift from God on his knee in front of me, "yes!! Of course I will!!!!" And suddenly, all the voices of fear and doubt melted away, and I felt more free than I had in a long time. Andrew picked me up and spun me around, and I felt as though I were soaring through the air like a free bird, maybe like one of those sparrows that God promises to always look after. His mom, my parents, and his two sisters were there, hiding and taking pictures and video of us, and we ran to greet them as soon as he put me down and placed a ring that I still think was literally taken from my dreams on my finger. After we all talked for awhile, and took some more photos, our families left, and he and I went to a picnic table to process what just happened and to eat some lunch. It rained on us while we were eating, and it had been raining the entire day leading up to that moment. I smiled under the umbrella as the rain poured down around us because it felt as though God was reminding me of another little blessing He was giving us- He cleared the rain away just so that we could get engaged.

The day we had been dreaming of for so long went by so fast, and before we knew it, we had set a date and wedding planning had begun! 

Throughout the 19 months of engagement, from May of '21 to December of '22, we two high school sweethearts have faced several major life changes, as well as several challenges in just about every area you could imagine. We have wrestled with jealousy and impatience. We have been so tired. We have struggled to give grace to the other, and have learned to lean on Jesus for strength to forgive even the most minor of inconveniences. And yet through it all we have seen evidence of the God it is we serve and want to tell the world of. God Who makes beauty from ashes, and hope from pain.

He has always taken care of us, and always proven trustworthy even when we're biting our lips and holding our breaths looking at the present reality and wondering how we're gonna make it. Our engagement season was hard, long, and stressful... but also so beautiful, bright, and good, and worked wonders to prepare us both for the marriage we so eagerly awaited. We wouldn't change a thing, and loved every minute. Yes, even the ones that brought us to our knees in tears. For it was through those tears and on those knees that we discovered God in ways we never would have had things gone the way we planned.

"I do"...

December 17^th of 2022 is the day we have been waiting and praying for since we were 16 and 17. Though we are uncertain what the future holds, or even what this long-dreamed-for day holds, we know Who holds it all, and we know He can ALWAYS be trusted to write your story.

 We are grateful for every trial and every pain that we have worked through and walked through together over these last four years. Because only when love has been tested and proved can you rest in the knowledge that your love is true. Not an emotion, but a choice. And one we’re learning to keep on leaning on Jesus to make every day of our lives. 

Today, I'm a bride. In just a few hours, I will walk the halls of the church we met at, which I now call my own, and will get to see the smiling faces of my four dear sisters who have cheered me on through all of life's battles. I'll get to put on my wedding dress; and will share laughter and memories, and perhaps a few tears, with everyone who is present. I'll get to see my dad look at me all dressed up, knowing that in his eyes I'm still that little girl wearing that pink princess dress that I refused to take off, and asking to dance with him every chance we got. That well-loved dress may have gotten an upgrade, but that little girl's still there. And he'll walk me down the aisle, sharing with me the moment I begged God to let him stay alive for when he was dying in the ICU after suffering a brain bleed stroke in 2019. Except God didn't just let him live, He also made sure that those words they said wouldn't return, and that right side they thought wouldn't be of much use anymore, all were restored. And satan tried to rob that gift from us a week before this day, leaving my dad back in the hospital until Monday the 12th; but God still, in His grace, gave us that moment.

And as I'll be pondering all of these things in my heart, and trying not to cry... I'll see my groom at the end of the aisle, and I'll get to meet his eye. And I'll know deep inside, as all these things take part, that really, this day, my whole life, reflects God's heart. And every hour I spent wondering where He could be, every prayer that I prayed, this whole day He would see! And He knew that if only I chose to hold on, He'd return, though much better, all that once had been gone. 

So today, this bride wanted to share with you her heart. Because I want you to know what led up to today's brand new start. I want you to know just a glimpse of what our God can do. So on this, our wedding day, I pray His love speaks to you.

19

 

February 12th, 2021, the day of my 19th birthday. My oh my how things have changed since my last birthday. Putting myself back in the shoes of the 17-year-old girl who was writing down her thoughts and reflections about turning 18, I had absolutely no idea what the year ahead had in store. Last birthday was pre-lockdown. Last birthday, I was still numb and questioning my faith. Last birthday, I was literally stressing and worrying myself sick, causing me to have all sorts of issues in my digestive system and in my adrenals. Last birthday, I was jobless, collegeless, and had no idea where I would be after the graduation that was coming up in just 3 short months. Last birthday, I was nervous at the thought of adulthood! Last birthday, I was still in highschool. Last birthday, I hadn't yet been chosen to give the speech at my class's graduation ceremony, and had only JUST signed up to audition to do it the night before. Last birthday, I wasn't teaching music or working with a ministry. Last birthday, I had hopes of being engaged by this birthday (my boyfriend knows this and we've had many long discussions about our "plan", so don't anybody out there think that this is a passive aggressive hint, haha!). Last birthday, I was physically losing my voice due to stress causing too much tension and pressure on my vocal cords and upper back/shoulders. Last birthday, meeting with Jesus was more of a chore than a thrill for me. Last birthday, I had shorter hair! Though let's be honest, nobody really noticed 😜. Last birthday, I still had walls up around my heart that were keeping me from fully being able to love and experience the joy of being loved, and was only just starting to let them down (for an example for context, I made my boyfriend wait to tell me he loved me for over a year, and had only just told him 11 days before my 18th birthday that I was finally ready to open up my heart and take a major step towards recovering from being numb by letting myself take the risk of outwardly expressing inward feelings). Last birthday, my friends and the people I was around looked a lot different than they do now, let's just say that much! Last birthday, my words had been slowly fading away, and I thought about stopping writing all together. Last birthday, I was so afraid of what other people thought of me that I hadn't yet taken the time to consider what I thought of me, and more importantly what God thinks of me. Last birthday, I was a kid! And now, here I am, my last birthday as a teenager, and my first time entering a birthday as an adult and not a child. There is SO much more that I could write about what all has changed between last birthday and this one, but I'll keep this short and just say that God's been doing a mighty work. I still have so much to learn, and I'm currently on a long and hard road back to the life of freedom from the chains of my shame and of my memories, but unlike last birthday, I have hope that I'll live to see the beautiful view at the end of this journey. I am SO far from perfect, and I never want anyone to get the impression that I am or that I am trying to be. Sometimes I do admittedly put on a fake sort of "perfection" appearance to cover up how messed up and broken I really am, but I am working to throw that cover away and tap into what it is I really feel, and who it is I really am, once more. Just like that 15-year-old girl did who started sharing her writings, as raw and real as they were, simply because she knew that God speaks to others through the power of relatability. I want to go back to that, for as long as I exist on this earth. I fear every day of my life that something traumatic is going to happen, or that I or someone I love will have a medical emergency and die. I fear walking away from the Truth, and what would happen if I were to grow lukewarm in my faith. I fear what 19 is going to bring, after such a long and hard two years of life have never seemed to end... but despite my fears and humanity, I'm learning every day that God can be trusted. I have so many questions for Him, but I'm learning that He's not afraid to hear them, even if some of His people are. I'm learning that He knows what He's doing, and that I don't deserve His love and protection and grace, but that He gives it freely even when I'm on my face sobbing because I feel the weight of my sin. I'm learning He came to take that weight away, and that nothing is too heavy for Him to hold. I'm learning that perfect Love casts out ALL fear, and that my life is not my own, and my blessings can never be earned. I'm learning that, though at times I feel as though my cup is too much for me, God never makes a mistake in giving us exactly what He knows we can handle- with Him. I'm learning how to dance and sing for Him again. I'm learning how to rest in the confidence that, as my grandfather often said, "the good Lord will take care of me", and everyone I love also. I'm learning how to feel again, and how to take time to process what it is I do feel. I may not be perfect, but what I can tell you is that when I look at myself from this year compared to last year... I see growth. It wasn't an easy growth, but the kind of growth that came through many tears, "whys?", and sleepless nights. I see a peace on my face that wasn't there a year ago. I see a hope in my eyes, and a light that's learning that it has an invitation to break free again. I see a creation that has been formed by God, and that is exactly what and where it is meant to be, and I believe with all of my heart that He will complete the work that He has so beautifully begun in this being. I hope 19 teaches me more and more how to be free, and that by this time next year, when I'm facing 20, I can report that, despite the memories and the things that have tried to drag me down, my God lifted me up out of the pit. Somehow, I believe that that will be my story a year from now, and I will do all that I can to fight to make that story a reality, putting my full trust in the only One Who can truly make it so. I'm happy. I'm not perfect, and I'm not always put together, more often than not I'm a mess just like anybody else... but I'm happy. Because my God is amazing, and I look at my short life and see how merciful and kind He has been to a broken mess like me, who could give Him nothing but a stained and torn heart in return. He makes beautiful things out of brokenness, friends. I want 19 to be the year I share that Truth with every breath I breathe. 

How wonderful life is, scars and pain and all. Our God is bigger, and will never, ever fall. 

Future of SteadyEarthquake

 

I’ve had this blog for just over 3 years now.

For those of you who’ve been following it since the beginning, I thank you greatly! It truly means the world to me that you’ve stuck around and supported me for so long. And for those of you who are newer followers, I thank you greatly as well.

At first, it was so easy to think of what to do with this blog; I would use it for weekly posts that followed my journey through life and what I was learning, and I would share them with whoever wanted to read. I began at 15, a sophomore in highschool, and most of you know the story from there about what happened when I went away for awhile and why I decided to come back as a recent graduate whose life is filled with changes and adventures right now (if you don’t know the story but would like to, check out my past post! It’s called “What’s Next?”).

Well, as just mentioned, I realized shortly after coming back that keeping up with this blog every week was not going to be as easy as it was when I started it in highschool, and that it was going to take me awhile to learn how to balance everything in my new life. When I started this blog, I only had this, my journals, and my social media accounts as a way of sharing my writings. Now, I have all of that, plus another weekly blog, and I’m having trouble figuring out what belongs where sometimes.

Another challenge I’ve been facing is trying to balance it all with work (I work two jobs, and my schedule can get pretty full sometimes), and trying to figure out what’s next for my life now that all that I’ve ever known is so different. But even with that, the Lord has always given me the words and the time just enough to get me through week by week as long as He’s wanted me to do everything.

Which brings me to my biggest reason for wondering about what I should do with this blog….

I’m wondering if maybe God’s telling me to step back. For real this time, and not just me deciding it.

It’s not at all that I feel like He wants me to stop sharing my writings all together! Just maybe that I need to pull back a bit on this way of sharing my writings specifically. I’ve been thinking and praying about it a LOT, and I think He’s opened many doors for me to continue weekly writing on my Letters of Light blog, and to keep doing my blog-like posts on my Instagram… but I’m thinking that’s where my full attention needs to be in this season. And I would still share on here when something happens that I want to make a long post on, or when I feel led to/have the time to! But I’m thinking that I’m not supposed to be doing it all all of the time anymore. I’ve been so confused about where God wants me to go, and what He wants me to focus on, because I’m passionate about so many different things, and I’m so excited about spreading the Gospel, connecting with others, and sharing the story of what God has done and is doing in my life!!… But I feel like He’s telling me, as He did Martha in the Bible, “Jaléna… You’re focused on so many things, but only One thing is necessary”.

I’m learning that, even if you have various gifts, passions, and abilities, it doesn’t mean that you have to do it all. We are to be still and know that He is God. When He opens a door, we should by all means walk through it!… but we shouldn’t force open doors just because they were open in the past, or because we think it’s what should be open. I’m learning this a day at a time, and I’m excited to see what else He desires to teach me in this new season. I’m so thankful for all the times I’ve been sharing weekly on this blog, and I can’t wait to see what He has in store for the future.

Thank you all, and I’ll see you around! Be sure to subscribe if you’d like to be notified immediately whenever I post next!