Maybe Next Year...

As the new year begins, many of us find ourselves saying, "maybe this will be the year..."

Sure, last year was a challenge for us all, but surely THIS will be the year we've been waiting for. Surely this will bring the freedom, change, hope, and contentment that we longed for 2020 to bring. 

But then, reread that last sentence... we longed for 2020 to bring what we're now longing for 2021 to bring. Many of us entered last new year with the same kind of excitement and hope that we now are entering 2021 with because we witnessed it get quickly crushed in 2020, and we were then left with many unmet desires that we're hoping will be met in 2021. 

But what if they're not? I don't mean to sound depressing, and I truthfully am hoping for exciting change in this new year as well!... but what if we don't get that? What if our desires that we've been expecting 2021 to meet go unmet for another year? Or two? Or three? Or twenty?

What then?

You may be entering this year with a loss. A lot of us are, sadly. 2020 was a year filled with loss and change. Now, many of us enter with some form of grief from our former life, as well as many questions about what to do now. Did 2020 change all of your plans for your future, too? Postpone them? Destroy them? Are you facing life now without a person or a thing that you clung to dearly, and don't know how to do life without?

I know many of you are hoping for answers, positive life circumstance changes, and for hope to finally be proved worth it, and I hope the same for each of you!! But what if this year is harder than the last? What if it's just the same? What if things don't change for the better? What if they don't change at all? 

The problem we face is that we tend to try to control the things beyond our control. We say things like, "maybe this will be the year when I finally get that job", or, "maybe this will be the year I finally get that relationship", or, "maybe this will be the year I finally have a child", or anything else that you can fill in the blank. We focus so much on those hopes that we end up unknowingly putting our hope IN those things rather than in the One Who controls them. If our hope is in anything but Jesus, it will fail. It will disappoint us. We can't even control these things, let alone find satisfaction from them. I know it feels like such a lie when it seems like once these things you're hoping in happen, THEN you will be happy... but you won't be. Not until you search for that happiness right where you are. 

I don't know if this will be the year when your dreams come true, or if this will be another year of disappointment. But what I do know is that a great place to start off this new year, is by putting your hope in Jesus. Focus on His goodness, and in His perfect plan and timing, and focus on changing only the things you can control instead of hoping for the things you can't control to change. Maybe this will be the year when we learn to have joy even when we don't feel happy. Maybe this will be the year when we finally start reading our Bibles again, and the words start to make sense. Maybe this will be the year when we devote our lives to the Lord, and step into all that He has planned for us. Maybe this will be the year when we find freedom from what others think, because this year we're devoting ourselves to only listening to what God thinks. 

I don't know what 2021 will bring for us all... but come what may, I pray that this is the year we find a peace that makes no sense in the middle of all of this chaos. A steadiness of our lives in the middle of the world's earthquake. 

Maybe this will be the year of freedom. 

I'm praying that over everyone reading this today. Welcome to 2021, my friends. Come what may, God is still on the throne.

What's With the Ring?

I've had many people over the years ask me what the silver ring on my left ring finger is about. I've been wearing it every day since I was about 14, and as I've gotten older, many have mistook it for an engagement ring, or some sort of promise ring. I realize that I've never really explained before what it's about or why I wear it, so I thought I would make a post to answer any questions anyone may have about it. 

 

First off, let me start with a backstory. I grew up in a Christian household. I've believed in God my entire life, and was raised in the church. However, I didn't truly get to know the God I believed in until I was almost 14. I was going through a very lonely time in my life, and decided to turn to Jesus to see if it would help satisfy my longing for companionship. 

I began to get in the Word every day, talk with God as though He were my best friend (telling Him everything and coming to Him anywhere), cleaning out all of the entertainment and things in my life that were not glorifying to Him, really listening in church, looking for God-honoring friends and role models, and started trying to use every gift, interest, and breath I had to give God glory. It wasn't an instant fix, but the beginning of a beautiful and fulfilling journey. 

 My dream since I can remember has been to get married by 21, have a bunch of kids, live out somewhere with lots of land, and just be a big, musical, Jesus-loving, homeschool family. Sounds cheesy, I know, but that's the life that I've wanted for years, and I especially looked forward to it at 14. When I was looking for new role models who glorified God with their lives, I found many Jesus-loving women, couples, and families who I noticed were different. I didn't know why, but when I was looking to find out, I discovered that the reason why is because they all pursued purity with their lives. Not just virginity until marriage, but the kind of true purity that we are all called to pursue as Christians, whether or not we are virgins. 

I dug deeper into this idea, and started to see what a difference it makes in one's life when they are pursuing living a life that is pure and holy in God's sight, in public and behind closed doors, and I started trying to live a life like that. However, I still longed deeply for the day when I would be married or engaged, and I wanted something as a reminder that I could live a life to the full even as an unmarried teenager, and something to remind me that I am not alone, and to help me take my mind off of how deeply I wanted to be with someone one day. 

I found out that there was such a thing called "purity rings" that some Christian girls would wear until they were married and no longer virgins. While I liked the idea of waiting until marriage, and of having a special ring to wear to remind you of your commitment to do so, I also had issues with the stereotype of it all. I saw many put so much pressure on simply waiting, that they failed to get to the depths of what true purity is (which is SO much more than just being a virgin), and many didn't touch on the fact that we are called to pursue purity even after we are married. I wanted to pursue purity with my life, and I also wanted to wait until marriage. I didn't want to do one without the other, and I didn't want to spread one message but not the other by my decision to wear a purity ring. 

I thought and prayed about it a lot, and then decided to go through with it and purchase a ring, to serve as the reminders that I needed that I am not alone, and that I am committed to God first and foremost even if I never do get married. However, the ring that I purchased is a promise ring by title, not a traditional "true love waits" purity ring. I don't have anything wrong with those rings, but again, I just wanted to remember that my decisions to pursue purity with my life, and to wait until marriage, are rooted in my commitment to God, and nothing else. I want to respect and honor my future husband because I know he is God's child, and I respect and honor my King first. I want my future husband to be the only man I give myself to, out of respect for him, but ultimately out of respect for God! Because I know that that is how He designed it to be in the beginning. Does that mean that I see myself as "holier than thou", or that I judge others who have not made that decision? No. That ruins the point. It means that I wear this ring as a reminder that I am just as dirty and sinful as anyone else, without the precious blood of Christ washing me white as snow. I wear this ring as a reminder that He is with me wherever I go, and that I can experience the depth of His love even without a man's. I wear this ring as a reminder that I am married to Jesus above all else, and that I will follow Him for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, for better or for worse, for as long as I live. 

This ring is my reminder that, even though I am unmarried, I still have a commitment to Jesus, and that will not change even once I am married. When I am married, this ring will be replaced, but my mission remains the same. I am called to honor God with my thoughts, work, actions, words, gifts, body, and everything else, and that will never change. 

So there you have it! That's what my ring is all about. It sounds kinda silly, I know, but it's a precious reminder to me of my commitment to the One I owe everything to, and I love wearing it. Though I eagerly await the day when I will be wearing an engagement ring with a wedding band, I cherish these days when the only One I'm committed to for forever is the One Who loves me more than anyone else, and knew me from the beginning of time. It is only with His help that I will one day be able to commit forever to another flawed human like myself, and only with His help that I will be able to be washed white time and time again for the rest of my life whenever I mess up, and truly be able to live the life of purity which I am called to. 

Nothing but the blood of Jesus can make us pure. No matter what we've done, or how many times we make mistakes, He is always willing to take us back with open arms if we are willing to turn from our distractions and return to Him. Only He knows what is best for us, and only with Him will we find the deep satisfaction and companionship that we desire. I hope and pray that everyone reading this today, whether they agree with all I said or not, will come to know the deep, incredible, rich love and grace of Jesus. 

There truly isn't anything else like it.

One Day...

"One day, I'll have my own space and be able to do whatever I want with it, and then I'll be happy..."

"One day, I'll get a boyfriend, and then I'll be happy..."

"One day, I'll have a job, and then I'll be happy..."

"One day, I'll have a pet to keep me company, and then I'll be happy..."

"One day, I'll find good friends I can count on, and then I'll be happy..."

"One day, I'll be married, and then I'll be happy..."

"One day, I'll have children of my own, and then I'll be happy..."

"One day, I'll be graduated, and then I'll be happy..."

"One day... and then I'll be happy", "I may not be content where I am NOW, but I know I will be one day".

How many times, if we're being honest, have we thought this same thing? I can give plenty of examples from my own life of times when I've been looking to "one day" as my source of contentment or happiness. There are so many moments in my life where I have been just existing from day to day, waiting to truly live until "one day" when everything would somehow magically be ideal, and I would transform into a content, happy, peaceful, joy-filled woman. 

In fact, my "one day" for most of my middle and high school years was the day I would become a girlfriend, get a job, have friends who stick by me and encourage me and pray for me no matter what, become an adult, graduate from student life, and start life on my own. Pretty much... exactly the life I live now. And yet, I've come to realize a truth that honestly really surprised me even though I had heard many other people say it before... one of these days will be your "one day"; and then it'll go by, and you'll wake up the next day, and then the next day, and then the next day, and then the next day... time keeps on moving, and if you hold back from truly living your life to the full wherever you are now, and refuse to work hard at learning how to be content in your present circumstances even if they aren't desirable, then you will wake up the day after "one day" and realize that you're just as unsatisfied as you were before. 

You see, the truth of it is that "one day" is just that- one day. It comes and it goes, and then your life moves on like before. As much as you wish you could pause time, it seems to instead fly by faster on the days you wish you could freeze forever. Time keeps on moving, life keeps on going, we develop new dreams and "one day" hopes, and then we reach those, too; and before we know it, our dreams are all memories. It's a seemingly sobering statement, but it doesn't have to be. 

Think about it. If the days we so look forward to right now are truthfully just days that will come and go, then don't these days we're in currently have a unique beauty to them worthy of allowing ourselves to enjoy? Doesn't that mean that the anticipation is part of what makes the fulfillment valuable? 

We can never go back and change a memory. We can never go back to the way things were before once "one day" is in the past. We will never be able to dream of what could be anymore, but will instead find ourselves reflecting on what already was. So in these days of longing and waiting, why don't we allow ourselves to enjoy the beauty of the anticipation of "one day", instead of constantly wishing we could just skip to it? Why don't we let ourselves daydream here and there, learn all we can from those who have already traveled through the seasons of life we long for, and let ourselves be who we are made to be right now? Why don't we focus on growing stronger, braver, deeper in faith, less selfish, more humble, alive and awake? 

We aren't promised anything in life, not even our next breath. We aren't entitled to anything, and truthfully we already have more than we deserve. Though it's not wrong to long for a dream to come true, and all of us will experience times of struggle in the waiting, there is so much to be thankful for right now, and a beauty in life out there waiting to be discovered that won't get any more or less beautiful once "one day" comes.

You may not be where you long to be yet, but you're closer than you were yesterday. And with every breath, every step, every minute, and every day, you are nearing the reality of the life you're working for and dreaming of. Let that truth encourage you to make the most of every day. You may not be where you wish you were, but my friend, you're on your way. 

Don't forget to enjoy the scenery as you travel through this life. <3

Meaning In the Mundane

When I was a little girl (and honestly even still!), I would ALWAYS have a countdown going, counting down to the next exciting thing happening. Whether it was a countdown for a family vacation, for Christmas, for a dance recital, or even for my birthday, I was constantly counting down to something exciting, and the countdown is what kept me going through the time of waiting. I've found my motivation in looking forward to the next thing since I was small, and this part of my personality has become incredibly evident throughout the course of 2020. Why? Because, though I did not usually have a physical countdown anymore, when I watched the things I was mentally counting down to start to get rescheduled or canceled one by one, I began to realize that I was no longer waking up every morning with excitement for the day ahead. It took extra work for me to find motivation to even just do my work for each day, and as someone who has been extremely self-motivated for the last 18 years... this came as quite the shock to me. 

I started trying to figure out why I was no longer motivated to do pretty much anything, and after months of soul-searching and talking things through, I found out the connection between my motivation and my natural future-based excitement for life. Without my countdowns, I didn't see much of a reason to do anything anymore. That may sound strange, but I honestly believe that several people out there can relate to that. 

I recently read the classic 'Man's Search For Meaning'. In it, a point is made that all humankind needs a reason to keep going, a meaning for life if you will. Whatever it may be for you, we all need a "mission" in this life, otherwise we feel as though it has no meaning. 

So what happens when we can't seem to find any mission? What happens when there is nothing to count down to in the near future? When we're moving from one season to the next, but we're not quite settled in to our new home yet?

Well, the answer is simple. We either crash and burn, facing every day with hopelessness and complaining... or we begin to search for meaning in the mundane. 

I realized something powerful a few weeks back, when I was thinking about this topic and beginning to type down my thoughts on it all. I realized that, these exciting moments I had spent my entire life counting down to?... They're not even where most of my life is going to be lived in. They go by in an instant, they're often just one day to a week out of my entire life... and then they're over. The future quickly becomes a memory, and then guess where I find myself again?

The mundane, every day moments of life. 

I would go so far as to say probably 80% of life is lived in the day-to-day. Once I realized this reality, I entered a bit of a crisis. "You mean I won't just suddenly be happy and feel like I have meaning once the season/event/day I'm looking forward to happens unless I find out how to be content and live with meaning NOW???" I asked myself. And the truth of it is, yes! You won't just magically become content once your circumstances change. You won't just magically become the woman or man you want to be once you get the job you want, live in the area you've been eyeing, get married (or enter into a relationship), have children, graduate, you name it. Unless you work on it NOW, even though you don't feel like it, it's not going to happen then.

But how do we find meaning in the mundane? What is our purpose in the overwhelming, stressful, routine, day-in, day-out seasons of life? Well, I can't answer that for you. Honestly, I have trouble answering it for myself most days! But I can help encourage you to find your own answers for that by offering a few tips that have been so helpful in my own battle finding purpose and contentment again. 

The first is, do your best to soak in absolutely every moment. Take a breath in and a breath out, and do your best to leave your worries at the feet of Jesus. If you're talking with somebody, be totally present with them. Listen to them. Put your phone away, stop letting the worries about how your life is going to look tomorrow cloud the back of your mind, and just let yourself enjoy every moment of every conversation. If you're taking a walk, or going for a drive, or even just taking a shower or doing work around the house, try not to think about anything besides what's happening around you, or what you're doing in that moment. You only get every second once, so do your best to soak in even the seconds you don't exactly want to stick around. When being present becomes your "mission", you start to realize that often the little things that you overlooked (the jobs you do, the relationships and friendships you have, and so on) have great value. 

The second can be a bit tricky at times, and especially at first... but it is, do your best to find something to be thankful for in every moment. Often times, the reason we're wishing our routine days away is because we're taking them for granted. We're not happy where we are, and we want it to end as soon as possible. When you focus on things to be thankful for, rather than complain about, you start to shift your perspective on your life as a whole, even if you don't realize it right away. When thankfulness is your "mission", you start to see that life truly does have great meaning. 

The last tip I have is something that is extremely difficult for many adults to do, but goes hand-in-hand with tip number two... and it is, be unashamed to be excited about even the little things in life, and try to keep a positive outlook, even if people look down on you for it. Deep down, I believe everyone respects adults (or teenagers!) who still have an enthusiasm about life even after experiencing the ugly parts of it. That childlike joy and light is desired in many, if not all, of us. I know this is so hard to do, especially the older we get and the more it seems the people around us expect us to be negative, super serious, and discouraged. But I challenge you to find something, anything, that ignites your childlike joy (we all have it buried within us), and then work your way up to finding more things until it becomes a habit. Whether it be having a dance party to your favorite songs, and just letting yourself forget all other worries and responsibilities for a few minutes, or just needing to pause and smile while eating your favorite dessert or breakfast, do your best to make it a habit to search for the little things in life that make you feel alive and motivate you. When childlike joy becomes your "mission", you start to see how beautiful and fun life can really be, even in the day-to-day.

Above all, remember that, in Christ, every moment has meaning. And even Jesus lived 33 years on this earth before His ministry began in a formal way, which brought Him many more exciting and eventful days. He knows exactly how you feel. But as long as you are on this earth, every second matters. You have work here to do, and, as a friend so beautifully told me once, the most important things in this life (i.e. faith, relationships with family and friends, etc.) are grown deeper, and experienced most, in these every day moments. Think back on some of your favorite memories from childhood and beyond. Were most of them made in the average, everyday life you live? Every day has meaning in Christ, because every day provides an opportunity to experience and grow the most important things that will last us for eternity. 

The things of this earth don't last forever. Eventually, it will all fade away. If we try to find fulfillment in these things, it won't work. What will last forever is Heaven. We have the chance to help guide souls towards that eternal destination every single day, by loving as Jesus loved, serving as He served, providing wisdom when we're asked, and showing them something different that gives them hope and plants a seed. Even if that day the only soul that was steered closer to Heaven was our own, Heaven throws a celebration for that! That is what's most important in life. Faith, hope, and love. That's what brings us meaning, even in the every day moments of life. That's what we have the chance to experience even in the here and now. And the memories we make living this out will one day be the ones we look back on with a smile on our faces and fondness in our hearts. Not the memories where we spent going through the motions, or focusing on our own worries and stress trying to get it all done. The moments when we loved deeply, served selflessly, worshiped wholeheartedly, and let the joy of the Lord flood our hearts. I pray that we all would find more moments like those in life. Because truly... those moments are what it's all about this side of Heaven. 

18

When I was a little girl, I dreamed about being 16. Whether it was because I had older cousins and people whom I looked up to who were 16 at the time, or because I just knew I could get a job, driver's license, boyfriend, and a bunch of other things at 16 that I couldn't (or couldn't as easily) before then, the only specific age I remember looking forward to throughout my whole childhood was 16. 

When I hit 16, it was a dream come true. I loved every second of it, and didn't think I'd ever want it to end... And then as the year went on, I saw close friends of mine reach 18. They graduated highschool, some went off to college, they'd talk about things like voting and living on your own and things I couldn't relate to yet, and so many other things that I started to get impatient with waiting for in my own life. By the end of my 16th year, at the start of my Junior year of highschool, a new dream age was birthed in my heart. I now longed to be 18. 

Since the new dream was birthed, I couldn't even imagine wanting to be any age except 18, and even though it was only a little over a year away, there were times when it seemed like it was taking an eternity to get here. And yet, somehow, I barely took a second to breathe and now I'm 18. 

There are new dreams in my heart now. I very much look forward to my 20's, getting married to the "prince charming" I've been praying for and dreaming of since I was a toddler, having a family of my own, getting to watch my friends and family live out the dreams they've been working for for so long, and so many other things. I look forward to exploring this mysteriously beautiful season of young adulthood I now find myself entering into... And yet, a part of me now grieves the season I'm leaving behind. 

It took 18 years to finally learn, but I see now that this life goes by quicker than you think. Since I was a kid, I would plan and dream about my senior year of highschool. Now, it's going to be over in just a few short months. I've been dancing since I was 2-years-old, and in just 3 short months I will be taking my last class. Performing has been pretty much all I've known my whole life, and at this time next year, I won't have any more big productions to look forward to. I'll only be under my parents' roof for another year or two, I may never get the chance to sing in a choir again after I graduate, I'll never see most of the people I went to highschool with again once the fall rolls around, and I'm realizing that everything I've ever known is going to keep changing right before my eyes throughout my entire 18th and 19th years. I never thought it could happen; it always seemed so far off in the future. It was like a dream I never knew could become reality. 

Now today is the day of my 18th birthday. 

I want to soak in these final 3 months as much as I can. As much as I eagerly look forward to the next thing now, I'm reminded that life is very short. While I'm 18, I want to focus on loving God and others as well as I can as an 18-year-old. I don't want to make the same mistake I've made in years past by getting so caught up in thinking about how I'll be able to live well as a 20-year-old, or even as a 19-year-old; I want to take full advantage of where and who I am right now and do my best to not miss an opportunity I have at 18 because I'm so focused on living beyond that. 

I'm exactly where I'm meant to be for now. 

Sure people may look down on me because I'm young, or I may get told I can't do something (or that I should be doing something) because of my current age... But God has placed me where I am right now for a reason, and truthfully that's never going to change. 

Others will always make you feel like you're not "enough". Whether it be that you're not "old enough", "smart enough", "pretty enough", "skilled enough", "experienced enough", and so on and so forth, there will always be voices around you trying to get you to live in discontent. 

It may seem harmless at the time, but when you look back on your life in 20 years, you're only going to feel the sting of regret. If you can't learn to be content where you are now, you will never be content when your situation changes. All you'll do is long for the next thing, then the next, then the next, and end up wishing your whole life away. 

Wherever you're at today, I challenge you to live to the full. 

Seek out the beauty in this season you're in, and focus on it with all you've got. 

Learn to smile, laugh, and dance through every second of your current situation, and when times change (for the better or worse), bid the old a bittersweet goodbye and begin to seek out the newfound beauty. 

I promise you, once learned to live contently, you'll find you've learned how to really live. 

Know Your Worth

To the one who just spent another Valentine's Day alone...

And the one who just broke up with the one they thought they'd celebrate with...

To the one who's been hurt and treated unfairly...

And the one who gave up believing they're able to be loved...

I want you to know your worth 

With every couple you see, every broken dream, every restless night, every time you wonder if you're not doing something right, I want you to know that you're worthy of love. 

I want you to know that you are a priceless pearl. 

It doesn't matter who does or doesn't see it, you are a jewel that deserves someone who will look at you like they know it and cherish it. 

You are worth so much more than this world makes you believe

I know everywhere you turn seems to tell you otherwise, and you might not believe me but you are a treasure.


I was born two days before Valentine's Day. I've always sort of been distracted with that when the holiday rolls around, and as a result of that I have never really felt that loneliness that most singles feel on February 14th.  

But I know what it's like to feel lonely, or to wish you had someone special in your life; and I want to reach out to anyone who might be feeling that way because of yesterday's posts and celebrations.

If there is one thing I wish I could help everyone believe it is that there is so much more to life than romance, and that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you just because you don't have anyone interested in you in that way right now.


You can live life to the full even as a single


Life is so beautiful and so amazing even when you're going at it solo.

In fact, as crazy as this may sound, this season of just you and God is probably one of the most beautiful seasons there is. 

You are never going to get back the time you spend as a single. And I know most of you probably rejoice at that thought, but don't rush through this season wishing you were in another.

I promise you that this season will change or end one day, but once it does you are never going to get it back. I want you to spend these moments finding who you are, figuring out what you want in a spouse/relationship, learning and growing right where you are, discovering the hidden beauty in everything around, and knowing your worth.


You're still loved.

On the Palm of His Hand

My dad always did this thing when I was growing up where if he needed to remember something, he wrote it on the palm of his hand.

He actually still sometimes does it, and I've come to start developing the habit in my own life as well.

There's just something about being able to see it written there that helps it stick

In fact, I noticed not too long ago that I was having trouble remembering what I was reading in my quiet times as the day progressed, so I started applying this trick to that as well.

Almost every morning I try to find one key word that will help me remember the passage I read and I write that on my palm or my wrist.

Then I'll see it multiple times a day and be reminded of the important stuff. 

I write the important stuff on the palm of my hand

Isaiah 49:16 says, "See, I have engraved you on the palms of My hands; your walls are ever before me."

When I read that verse the other day, it struck me that most people only write on their palm what they want to remember (AKA the important stuff).

If God has us forever engraved on the palms of His hands, He must want to remember us

We must be important to Him

I know how easy it is to get so caught up in all the lies this world throws at us that we're not valuable and unlovable and unseen

But, friends, if there is one thing I want you to take away from this post it is that you are so important that the Maker of all of the Universe has your name written on the palm of His hand.

You are important

Real Talk

When I started this blog, and my YouTube channel, I made it a goal to be real.
I wanted to be honest and open with you guys, and share real experiences; real thoughts; real struggles; real life. 
Even when it's hard, and maybe not all that pretty, I want to be truthful with what's happening, because I never know when somebody may need to know that they're not alone.

I realized, over the past few weeks, that I have been wandering from that goal a bit. 
It's not that I haven't been honest with you all... It's just that I've been sort of picking and choosing what I write about, rather than taking it to prayer, and sharing exactly what I feel laid on my heart to.
No matter how hard... No matter how ugly.

I think we, as Christians, tend to get this image in our heads of the "perfect" believer. 
We try to live up to this unrealistic expectation of a sinless saint, and feel the need to cover up every thing that disqualifies us from that.

Here's the deal... I don't want to appear like I fit that position.
I don't want to remain silent about something, that I feel God tugging at my heart to share, just because I'm afraid of what people will think of me.
Because, yeah, there will be some people who judge... 
But you know what?
There will also be somebody who needs to hear that. 
Like I said in the beginning of this post, there will be somebody who needs to know that they're not alone.

So, I'm gonna recommit to being real with you all. 
The good, the bad, the ugly... It's all going up, as I walk through it. 
And if you're ever somebody who finds they can relate to something I said, well then, take heart in the fact that you're not walking through this alone.

And on that note... 
Let's have some real talk.

Last week, I was talking with a friend, and the topic of relationships got brought up. 
This friend of mine knows someone that I've got my eye on (that is such a creepy way of putting it, wow) a bit better than I, so I decided to be bold, and ask the question I've been wondering for about a year and a half... 

"Do you know if ______ knows that I like him?"

Though they weren't certain, they told me they honestly thought he knew. So, I got even bolder...

"Do you think he's like... Weirded out about it?"

They told me no, and they thought he was okay with it... 
Glimmer of hope ignited.
So I went on nervously blabbing about how I didn't want to make him uncomfortable, or feel weird or anything, and how I'm always worried that the guy I like will catch on and then feel awkward and blah, blah, blah... 
Then my friend reluctantly said, "Honestly... I think it's like... 'I'm honored.... but I don't feel the same way.' Which is better!... But it doesn't really make it easier."
Glimmer of hope destroyed.

It stung, but I got it. And honestly... I had been praying for so long just to know, I was glad to finally have an answer. 
But my friend's right, it doesn't make it easier. 
And honestly, that's life. The hard parts of life, filled with things we don't want to share. 
The parts where you cry, and you're hurt, and you feel like you're the only one in the universe who's going through this... 
That's why I want to have some real talk. Because we hear all the time about all the wonderful sides of life, but when things are hard?... Silence consumes it. 

If you can relate to that, you're not alone. 
If you're looking at a hard side of life right now, you're not alone.
But you know what?
There's hope.

I did cry a little that night, not gonna lie... 
I felt this thought screaming at me, saying, "even a guy like that, who's looking for a girl LIKE you... can't LIKE you." And it hurt. 
But I felt this unshakable voice saying to me, "Jaléna... You HAVE to trust Me."
Then I stumbled across a verse in Ecclesiastes which says, 

"Cast your bread upon the waters, for after many days you will find it again." -Ecclesiastes 11:1

And I realized... Bread is brought up many times in the Bible, usually used as an example of what you need to survive. 
Casting your bread upon the waters is a symbol of completely trusting God, and surrendering your needs and desires to Him. 
But you know something? He is the Bread of Life.
He is all we need. He will provide, no matter what we give away, and it will come back to us, better than anything we ever could've imagined, if we're willing to give it away indefinitely.

I've gone through the whole, "I like guy. Guy doesn't like me. Sadness. Move on." Thing more than once in my life, and truthfully, it's hard sometimes. 
But I don't believe that God lets us encounter people in vain.
I don't believe He controls our emotions, and I believe we have a choice... 
But I don't believe any one of my silly little crushes has occurred with no lessons to take away. 
Here's this one: "Wait for the Lord. Be strong, and take heart, and wait for the Lord." -Psalm 27:14 
It's okay for life to sting sometimes, but wait for the Lord. 
It's okay to find somebody attractive, but wait for the Lord. 
It's okay to desire something, but be willing to surrender it indefinitely... Then wait for the Lord.

I promise you, He will never let you down. 
Just check out Psalm 40:1, a few chapters later. 

"I waited patiently for the Lord. He turned to me and heard my cry." -Psalm 40:1

Be strong.

In Pointe of Fact

On August 27th, 2018, this past Monday, I got to experience a dream that I've had since I was 2 years old become my reality.

I've been a dancer for 14 years (since I was two), and ballet has always been my favorite style of dance. 

Ever since I started, I've been watching the girls "en pointe", and dreaming of one day getting to be there myself.

I wanted to be a professional dancer since I can remember, whether that be as a Radio City Rockette, a ballerina, or even just a dance teacher; and I spent most of my life pursuing that dream.

Around 2014, I switched to a professional dance studio, in hopes of making that dream a reality, and had my first recital with them in 2016. 

However, when I was there... I saw everything that the girls went through. I saw how strict and honestly mean some of the instructors were. I saw the way they had the girls move, and the songs they had them dancing to... 

Girls so skinny they were probably anorexic, and people encouraging them to remain that way... 

Boys in the same dressing room as girls... 

Gossip galore...

Layer upon layer of makeup, caked onto the face of a child... 

and everything about that environment didn't settle well with me.  

I'm not saying professional dance is bad, nor am I judging anyone who does it.

Just this specific studio that I was at made me see that it's not always as glamorous as it appears.

After the recital was over, I made the decision to give up on that dream. 

I cried a lot over it, and it was a very hard thing for me to do. 

But I couldn't shake that feeling, in my spirit, that this lifestyle wasn't in God's plan for me.

I didn't understand why He'd be so cruel as to make me give up something I loved so dearly, and had wanted since I was small...

But nevertheless, I did it. 

Because something inside of me told me the story wasn't over yet.

That fall, I started taking ballet lessons with my theatre group. 

I didn't want to do all the recitals and competitions anymore, I just wanted a laid-back environment where I could improve my technique.

Well, God had something better in mind, because my teacher turned out to be a professional ballerina.

And guess what some of the more advanced female students were wearing in it?

Pointe shoes.

I spent the summer of 2017 working harder than I've ever worked before, in hopes of getting my strength up, and in March of this year, I asked my teacher if she thought there was a possibility that I could ever do pointe...

And this past Monday, I got my pointe shoes. 

So why do I write this novel of a blog post? 

Most of you probably are not ballerinas, and most of you probably have already heard this story before.

Well, I write because I realized, on the morning I went to get fitted, that God knew this day was coming all along. 

He let me give up my dream, He let me cry, He let me doubt and ask Him why over and over again...

But He knew what He was doing all along. 

I can just imagine the smile on His face when I went up on those shoes for the first time (and every time from here on out). 

I can see Him, looking at me with those deep, loving eyes; on the day of that recital, saying to me, "Child... If you only knew what's coming."

And those images make me stop and think... What else is coming?

Those times when I ask Him why I'm having such a hard time finding a job... He lets me cry, but He knows what's coming. 

Those times when I tell Him I'm not strong enough to go on... He lets me cry, but He knows what's coming. 

Those times when I vent to Him about how no guy could ever be interested in me... He lets me cry, 

but He knows what's coming. 

Those times when tears fall on my textbooks... He lets me cry, but He knows what's coming.

And every time I come to lay a dream at His feet, He lets me cry... 

But He knows what's coming. 

And how beautiful is it to think that He's known all along?

Keep on pressing on.

Because, in point of fact... 

What's coming is worth it.

Love Defined

This past month, I have been blessed with the opportunity to be a part of the launch team for a new book. 'Love Defined: Embracing God's Vision For Lasting Love and Satisfying Relationships' by Kristen Clark and Bethany Baird. There will be more to come on this book as we near release day, but for now, I just wanted to take a moment to talk a bit about the topic. I've mentioned it before, but I take this blog week by week. I write what I feel God is laying on my heart to write for that week, and sometimes that means pushing some posts aside for awhile, and other times that means not having a post written until 11 P.M on Thursday. I had a different post planned for this week, (actually last week, but then I felt I needed to write about Good Friday instead) but pre-orders for Love Defined started Wednesday, and when I got the email and started sharing about it, I felt God lay it on my heart that I needed to not only share about it on here... But share my "Love defined by God" story when I did. 

I've never done this in a public setting before, and I'm kind of terrified, but the truth is, I'm not perfect in the area of crushes and relationships, and as much as I try to hide that, I think maybe some people might need to see it.

I'm very big on purity,  praying for your future spouse, and all that good stuff, but I rarely discuss the topics. Nobody really knows anything about my "love life" unless you're one of my closest friends. When girls giggle about their crushes, I go silent.

When they talk about how "cute" or "hot" a guy is, I awkwardly smile and hope the conversation changes topic soon.

It's not because I'm judging anyone for talking about these things, and I realize that sometimes it probably comes off as a "holier than thou" attitude.

 I apologize greatly for that. 

This area is a very sensitive one for me, quite frankly, and I usually just try to avoid it in order to avoid temptations... 

Now here's the reason why. 

When I was young, I always dreamed of my "Prince Charming." I created this seemingly perfect man in my little girl mind, and truly believed he existed and I would meet him one day. Guys were always an important thing to me, and when I started noticing them around 9 or 10 or so, I held to my little girl fantasies, and could very easily make them an idol. 

When I was 13, right in the middle of my boy crazy phase, I had turned a current crush into an idol in my heart, and was flat out obsessed with him. And I really didn't even like him that much, it was just because I thought he liked me, so I forced feelings upon myself that otherwise would've just remained an, "oh, he's cute". When I was almost 14, and newly 14, I found Jesus. I started learning more about Him, and the life He had planned for me, and somehow in the process, I stumbled across the idea to write letters to, and pray for, my future husband. 

So, I started doing that. 

I had gotten myself to believe that this middle school crush was going to turn into something it wasn't, but when I would write to my "husband", or pray for him, I knew in my heart that this crush was not God's plan for me. I just didn't love God enough to surrender it to Him. 

And that's why this, frankly rather embarrassing, story is one I never tell. I hate admitting that I loved myself more than I loved God. I only wanted what I thought would make me happy, I refused to listen to the whisper in my soul saying, "trust Me." And because of that, when God finally got through to me, it had to hurt. That was the only way He could get me to listen. 

I was about halfway through my 14th year when I found out that *gasp* it was one-sided.

I had placed so much of my worth and sense of purpose in this silly little crush that when it was over, I didn't know what to do.
If you place someone or something on a pedestal, building it higher and higher over time, it WILL hurt when it all crumbles on top of you.

And it definitely did.

I had no idea what God's vision for love and attraction was. I wanted to care, but I loved myself more, and God needed to get through to me, so He took away my idol. 

And I am so beyond grateful that He did.

It forced me to pursue Him, and as I learned more about His design, and His love, it shifted my heart in ways I can't even begin to describe.

For the rest of my 14th year, and into my 15th, I started to pour myself into Him by studying His word, praying more, and really starting to truly trust Him with every aspect of my life, and I slowly learned that He truly is the only thing that can satisfy. 

He can write love stories that will put Hallmark movies to shame in the blink of an eye, He just wants you to trust Him even if He knows you're better off without one.

In the end, our earthly love lives won't matter. It's our love life with God that is the most important thing in this entire world, and that's a truth I sometimes still have to remind myself about, but it's so true.

He really does know us better than we do. Heck, if things would've worked out with my crush back then, I can almost promise that we'd be broken up by now, and I would've wasted all that time that I could've spent falling more in love with my King, Who will never leave or forsake me.

Part of me is silent about this topic because I'm ashamed of my past. 
 Another part is silent because I know I'm only a teenager, and older people tend to roll their eyes when a teenager talks about struggling in this area. More than one person has basically told me, "you're only 16, quit worrying about it, you don't really feel this way." Whenever I share the struggles I face in the area of attractions. I never "struggled" in that area from when I started noticing guys until I was 15, so I never really talked about it before, other than nonstop giggling to my friends who, for some reason, put up with my immaturity. But now, when things get brought up from time to time, I'm told what I know would've remained the same response had I struggled with my desires vs. my faith back when I had that crush. That I'm too young to deal with this.  I know I'm not "supposed" to wrestle with these things now, but I have and I do nonetheless, and part of me fears nobody will understand that.  
Still another part is silent because I don't want any of my guy friends reading this (probably none of you are, but if so, this bit is for you) to get freaked out thinking the guy I mention was them. Who it was doesn't matter, it's all past now, and I can assure you that even if I have, do, or will in the future fancy you, I have no intentions of anything but a brother/sister in Christ type of bond unless God leads otherwise on your part. 

But nevertheless, where the Spirit leads, I'm learning to follow. 

So here's the truth. The throwing-my-heart-out-in-the-open-for-all-to-see truth.

Yes, I've made mistakes. 

Yes, I've done and said things I regret.

Yes, I'm not perfect

But I believe in grace.

And yes, I still notice men 

Yes, I still want to get married one day (God willing)

Yes, I have to fight to surrender my feelings and desires sometimes 

But I believe in grace.

I am single and content because of grace.

I am able to say, "Not my will, but Yours be done." When a God-fearing man catches my eye now, because of grace.

And on that topic, I am only attracted to God-fearing men now because of grace. I never would've had the high standards that I do before I began to soak in God's grace.

I am able to fight for purity because of grace.

I am who I am because of grace.

Even though I fail every now and then, and I still struggle from time to time, I am forgiven daily because of God's great grace.

And that is why I am thrilled to be apart of this launch team.

Love defined by God is truly more beautiful than anything this world has to offer. 

And the best part is... True, satisfying love can be experienced even while you're single. 

If you want to read more about God's design for relationships and all things love, check out 'Love Defined' in stores May 1st! Link below to pre-order. 

May we always be women (and men if any of y'all are here) who define love God's beautiful way. Preorder link

A Single's Guide To Valentine's Day

Well, guys, it's that time of year again. The time where it seems like everywhere you look, someone's falling in love. Even most of your single buddies seem to be leaving the club this time of year.
Yes, Valentine's Day is coming up this Wednesday
On a holiday geared towards couples and celebrating love, you may find yourself asking, "what's a single supposed to do?"
For starters, whether you've been single since birth or have gone through a breakup or two, remember that there is nothing wrong with you. Don't lower your standards, dive right in to something you're not ready for, or give up hope because you seem to be the last single standing. I promise you that if you're meant to get married one day, your person is out there right now. And the wait will be worth it when you find them. That being said, there are still plenty of ways that you can have fun on Valentine's Day without someone to hold hands with! I'm aware that sounds so cheesy, but it's very true. Here are five romance-free ways you can celebrate Valentine's Day this year. 

1. Surprise a friend or family member with a gift

Nothing helps brighten the spirits (both yours and the person you're blessing) more than when you take the time to plan a surprise for someone you love. Whether it be giving your best friend something you know will make them smile, writing a letter to someone, or maybe just doing extra chores around the house without being asked so your mom doesn't have as much work to do; when you purposely go out of your way to make someone else's day, it not only makes them feel great, but it makes you feel great in return! 

2. Have an at home movie day 

Valentine's Day is in the middle of the week this year, so I'm aware everyone still has work and school, but when you get back home, you can kick back, switch on some Netflix, or put in some of your favorite DVDs, and have an at home movie day. I know that sounds almost depressing, and you're probably picturing a stereotypical single sitting on their couch eating ice cream while watching chick-flicks alone, but it's way more fun than it sounds. Trust me. Pop some popcorn, make some dinner, or pick up some of your favorite snacks, and just enjoy watching something that makes you laugh or smile... or if you're like me, turn on some musicals and start singing (and even dancing) along...

3. Give yourself a spa day 

Now, this one's for the ladies only, but roughly 90% of my audience is female, so I think it's safe to include this. You don't have to have someone to be dressing up for in order to relax and do a face mask and/or a mani-pedi. Taking a warm bath or shower, changing into some fluffy pj's or a bathrobe, and giving your nails a makeover is a great way to relax and have fun.

4. Write letters to your future spouse 

This one is my personal favorite. When I was 14, I penned my first letter to my future husband... And now he has half a notebook full of 'em. Whenever I'm feeling lonely, or I'm struggling with my singleness, or maybe I'm just in a daydream mood, I pick up a pen and some paper and write to my future husband. I may not know who he is yet, where he is, how old he is, e.t.c., but God knows! And wherever he is, if it is in God's plan for me to get married one day, chances are he won't ever get to know teenage me. Getting to share parts of who you are, your prayers for them, and your thoughts and feelings at this stage in your journey is a great way to help through hard times in singleness, as well as a great way for them to one day feel as if they got to know a you they maybe never got to meet. It will bless them, and you'll have a blast writing! I cannot recommend this one enough.

And finally...

5. Stay offline 

This is more of a tip than a way to have fun, but nonetheless, it is IMPORTANT. The more time you spend online, the more cute couple pictures and announcements you'll see. And that's not a bad thing in and of itself, I'm not saying to avoid every picture and status update you see, but if it's causing you to feel jealous or depressed, log off. Don't stay jealous and upset forever, you log off to work on fixing that before logging back on, but stay off long enough to refocus. Remember, you are right where you're meant to be. One day you will meet the right person for you, and you will be so glad you didn't rush into anything back when you wanted to. All of your desires and feelings are natural, but you can decide whether or not you act on them. This Valentine's Day, I challenge all the single people, along with myself, to hand over the pen that writes your love story. Because I promise you, God is a much better author than any of us could ever be.