19

 

February 12th, 2021, the day of my 19th birthday. My oh my how things have changed since my last birthday. Putting myself back in the shoes of the 17-year-old girl who was writing down her thoughts and reflections about turning 18, I had absolutely no idea what the year ahead had in store. Last birthday was pre-lockdown. Last birthday, I was still numb and questioning my faith. Last birthday, I was literally stressing and worrying myself sick, causing me to have all sorts of issues in my digestive system and in my adrenals. Last birthday, I was jobless, collegeless, and had no idea where I would be after the graduation that was coming up in just 3 short months. Last birthday, I was nervous at the thought of adulthood! Last birthday, I was still in highschool. Last birthday, I hadn't yet been chosen to give the speech at my class's graduation ceremony, and had only JUST signed up to audition to do it the night before. Last birthday, I wasn't teaching music or working with a ministry. Last birthday, I had hopes of being engaged by this birthday (my boyfriend knows this and we've had many long discussions about our "plan", so don't anybody out there think that this is a passive aggressive hint, haha!). Last birthday, I was physically losing my voice due to stress causing too much tension and pressure on my vocal cords and upper back/shoulders. Last birthday, meeting with Jesus was more of a chore than a thrill for me. Last birthday, I had shorter hair! Though let's be honest, nobody really noticed 😜. Last birthday, I still had walls up around my heart that were keeping me from fully being able to love and experience the joy of being loved, and was only just starting to let them down (for an example for context, I made my boyfriend wait to tell me he loved me for over a year, and had only just told him 11 days before my 18th birthday that I was finally ready to open up my heart and take a major step towards recovering from being numb by letting myself take the risk of outwardly expressing inward feelings). Last birthday, my friends and the people I was around looked a lot different than they do now, let's just say that much! Last birthday, my words had been slowly fading away, and I thought about stopping writing all together. Last birthday, I was so afraid of what other people thought of me that I hadn't yet taken the time to consider what I thought of me, and more importantly what God thinks of me. Last birthday, I was a kid! And now, here I am, my last birthday as a teenager, and my first time entering a birthday as an adult and not a child. There is SO much more that I could write about what all has changed between last birthday and this one, but I'll keep this short and just say that God's been doing a mighty work. I still have so much to learn, and I'm currently on a long and hard road back to the life of freedom from the chains of my shame and of my memories, but unlike last birthday, I have hope that I'll live to see the beautiful view at the end of this journey. I am SO far from perfect, and I never want anyone to get the impression that I am or that I am trying to be. Sometimes I do admittedly put on a fake sort of "perfection" appearance to cover up how messed up and broken I really am, but I am working to throw that cover away and tap into what it is I really feel, and who it is I really am, once more. Just like that 15-year-old girl did who started sharing her writings, as raw and real as they were, simply because she knew that God speaks to others through the power of relatability. I want to go back to that, for as long as I exist on this earth. I fear every day of my life that something traumatic is going to happen, or that I or someone I love will have a medical emergency and die. I fear walking away from the Truth, and what would happen if I were to grow lukewarm in my faith. I fear what 19 is going to bring, after such a long and hard two years of life have never seemed to end... but despite my fears and humanity, I'm learning every day that God can be trusted. I have so many questions for Him, but I'm learning that He's not afraid to hear them, even if some of His people are. I'm learning that He knows what He's doing, and that I don't deserve His love and protection and grace, but that He gives it freely even when I'm on my face sobbing because I feel the weight of my sin. I'm learning He came to take that weight away, and that nothing is too heavy for Him to hold. I'm learning that perfect Love casts out ALL fear, and that my life is not my own, and my blessings can never be earned. I'm learning that, though at times I feel as though my cup is too much for me, God never makes a mistake in giving us exactly what He knows we can handle- with Him. I'm learning how to dance and sing for Him again. I'm learning how to rest in the confidence that, as my grandfather often said, "the good Lord will take care of me", and everyone I love also. I'm learning how to feel again, and how to take time to process what it is I do feel. I may not be perfect, but what I can tell you is that when I look at myself from this year compared to last year... I see growth. It wasn't an easy growth, but the kind of growth that came through many tears, "whys?", and sleepless nights. I see a peace on my face that wasn't there a year ago. I see a hope in my eyes, and a light that's learning that it has an invitation to break free again. I see a creation that has been formed by God, and that is exactly what and where it is meant to be, and I believe with all of my heart that He will complete the work that He has so beautifully begun in this being. I hope 19 teaches me more and more how to be free, and that by this time next year, when I'm facing 20, I can report that, despite the memories and the things that have tried to drag me down, my God lifted me up out of the pit. Somehow, I believe that that will be my story a year from now, and I will do all that I can to fight to make that story a reality, putting my full trust in the only One Who can truly make it so. I'm happy. I'm not perfect, and I'm not always put together, more often than not I'm a mess just like anybody else... but I'm happy. Because my God is amazing, and I look at my short life and see how merciful and kind He has been to a broken mess like me, who could give Him nothing but a stained and torn heart in return. He makes beautiful things out of brokenness, friends. I want 19 to be the year I share that Truth with every breath I breathe. 

How wonderful life is, scars and pain and all. Our God is bigger, and will never, ever fall. 

Maybe Next Year...

As the new year begins, many of us find ourselves saying, "maybe this will be the year..."

Sure, last year was a challenge for us all, but surely THIS will be the year we've been waiting for. Surely this will bring the freedom, change, hope, and contentment that we longed for 2020 to bring. 

But then, reread that last sentence... we longed for 2020 to bring what we're now longing for 2021 to bring. Many of us entered last new year with the same kind of excitement and hope that we now are entering 2021 with because we witnessed it get quickly crushed in 2020, and we were then left with many unmet desires that we're hoping will be met in 2021. 

But what if they're not? I don't mean to sound depressing, and I truthfully am hoping for exciting change in this new year as well!... but what if we don't get that? What if our desires that we've been expecting 2021 to meet go unmet for another year? Or two? Or three? Or twenty?

What then?

You may be entering this year with a loss. A lot of us are, sadly. 2020 was a year filled with loss and change. Now, many of us enter with some form of grief from our former life, as well as many questions about what to do now. Did 2020 change all of your plans for your future, too? Postpone them? Destroy them? Are you facing life now without a person or a thing that you clung to dearly, and don't know how to do life without?

I know many of you are hoping for answers, positive life circumstance changes, and for hope to finally be proved worth it, and I hope the same for each of you!! But what if this year is harder than the last? What if it's just the same? What if things don't change for the better? What if they don't change at all? 

The problem we face is that we tend to try to control the things beyond our control. We say things like, "maybe this will be the year when I finally get that job", or, "maybe this will be the year I finally get that relationship", or, "maybe this will be the year I finally have a child", or anything else that you can fill in the blank. We focus so much on those hopes that we end up unknowingly putting our hope IN those things rather than in the One Who controls them. If our hope is in anything but Jesus, it will fail. It will disappoint us. We can't even control these things, let alone find satisfaction from them. I know it feels like such a lie when it seems like once these things you're hoping in happen, THEN you will be happy... but you won't be. Not until you search for that happiness right where you are. 

I don't know if this will be the year when your dreams come true, or if this will be another year of disappointment. But what I do know is that a great place to start off this new year, is by putting your hope in Jesus. Focus on His goodness, and in His perfect plan and timing, and focus on changing only the things you can control instead of hoping for the things you can't control to change. Maybe this will be the year when we learn to have joy even when we don't feel happy. Maybe this will be the year when we finally start reading our Bibles again, and the words start to make sense. Maybe this will be the year when we devote our lives to the Lord, and step into all that He has planned for us. Maybe this will be the year when we find freedom from what others think, because this year we're devoting ourselves to only listening to what God thinks. 

I don't know what 2021 will bring for us all... but come what may, I pray that this is the year we find a peace that makes no sense in the middle of all of this chaos. A steadiness of our lives in the middle of the world's earthquake. 

Maybe this will be the year of freedom. 

I'm praying that over everyone reading this today. Welcome to 2021, my friends. Come what may, God is still on the throne.

He Is Before ALL Things

For my 18th birthday, one of my closest friends got me a mug as part of a birthday gift. On the mug there are five simple words: "He is before all things". When I received this mug, I thought it was lovely, but I had no idea how much I would need the words printed on it in the months to come. 

Just a month after I was given this gift, COVID-19 lockdown began, which led to an unexpected and crazy ride for every person everywhere that continues to the present. I, along with millions of others, went through intense stress during all of the changes of everything, and I found myself asking God many questions. In the middle of all the chaos, both in the world and in my own life, I paused one morning while drinking some tea out of that mug and read what was printed on it. I had read it so many times before... but somehow, in that moment, the Holy Spirit spoke to me deeply through it. 

I felt as though He was saying, "Jaléna... I've always known all of this. Fear not. I know how this is going to work out. All of it". That brought so much peace to my heart in the moment, and it has been something that I've been clinging to ever since. Every illness, hardship, lay off, waiting period, complication, plague, election, emergency, attack, battle... He knows about it all, and He has known about it all since the beginning of time. He has always been before it all, and He had to give permission for those things to come to pass. That means that He is still in control, even when things seem out of control, and that we can trust Him through it all. 

But if all of that is true, then why do we fear things that we can't control? Why do we fear the unknown? If God is above it all, then why are we afraid of it all? 

It's because we often forget that truth, and we need to constantly remind our souls about it. Truthfully, there is absolutely nothing to fear. Yes, the things of this world are scary, and there are so many things that can go wrong with anything, but God is before it all! He will not allow something to happen without providing a way through it. He will either protect us from even facing the things we fear in the first place, or He will walk with us and comfort us as we face them. Either way, we can rest assured that He has a purpose for everything, He is still protecting us while we face troubles and fears, and He will help us through this life.

If He is before all things, then that means that He not only knew everything before it happened, but also that He continues to know everything before it happens. He knows what will come our way in the future, and how every day will look. He knows when we'll face future trials, and how we will get through them. He knows when we'll have hard days, and when we're have wonderful days, and He knows how every mystery will unfold. Like the author of a novel, He has beautifully written every word, every chapter, and every book of all of our lives, and He is not caught off guard by reading any plot twists. You can trust God to write your story, because He already knows how every page of it looks! 

Just think of it this way. We look back all throughout history, and we see how things worked out even when it seemed hopeless. The people living in the time when the history was the present would've most likely felt very scared, worried, and hopeless, just like we feel when we find ourselves in the middle of living the hard things that will one day be history. However, we're not usually worried when hearing about what's history, because we know the ending! We know how and when things got better, and knowing that brings us peace. God knows exactly how and when things will get better for us, and invites us to live in the peace of trusting that one day it will all make sense, and that things will always work out for the better. All things work together for the good of those who love Him, and that is a promise we can cling to. 

Whatever it is you're facing or fearing now, and whatever may come your way... I hope you remember that God will carry you through. Nothing takes Him by surprise, and nothing ever will. He promises to walk with you through it all (Isaiah 43:2), and you can trust Him to write your story beautifully. One of these days, you'll read back what you're living now, and you will get to tell everyone all about how God proved that He is Who He says He is, and that He truly is before all things. Until that day comes, I pray that you can imagine it now, and that that thought fills you with peace and joy. 

We don't have to fear. He is before ALL things. 

One Day...

"One day, I'll have my own space and be able to do whatever I want with it, and then I'll be happy..."

"One day, I'll get a boyfriend, and then I'll be happy..."

"One day, I'll have a job, and then I'll be happy..."

"One day, I'll have a pet to keep me company, and then I'll be happy..."

"One day, I'll find good friends I can count on, and then I'll be happy..."

"One day, I'll be married, and then I'll be happy..."

"One day, I'll have children of my own, and then I'll be happy..."

"One day, I'll be graduated, and then I'll be happy..."

"One day... and then I'll be happy", "I may not be content where I am NOW, but I know I will be one day".

How many times, if we're being honest, have we thought this same thing? I can give plenty of examples from my own life of times when I've been looking to "one day" as my source of contentment or happiness. There are so many moments in my life where I have been just existing from day to day, waiting to truly live until "one day" when everything would somehow magically be ideal, and I would transform into a content, happy, peaceful, joy-filled woman. 

In fact, my "one day" for most of my middle and high school years was the day I would become a girlfriend, get a job, have friends who stick by me and encourage me and pray for me no matter what, become an adult, graduate from student life, and start life on my own. Pretty much... exactly the life I live now. And yet, I've come to realize a truth that honestly really surprised me even though I had heard many other people say it before... one of these days will be your "one day"; and then it'll go by, and you'll wake up the next day, and then the next day, and then the next day, and then the next day... time keeps on moving, and if you hold back from truly living your life to the full wherever you are now, and refuse to work hard at learning how to be content in your present circumstances even if they aren't desirable, then you will wake up the day after "one day" and realize that you're just as unsatisfied as you were before. 

You see, the truth of it is that "one day" is just that- one day. It comes and it goes, and then your life moves on like before. As much as you wish you could pause time, it seems to instead fly by faster on the days you wish you could freeze forever. Time keeps on moving, life keeps on going, we develop new dreams and "one day" hopes, and then we reach those, too; and before we know it, our dreams are all memories. It's a seemingly sobering statement, but it doesn't have to be. 

Think about it. If the days we so look forward to right now are truthfully just days that will come and go, then don't these days we're in currently have a unique beauty to them worthy of allowing ourselves to enjoy? Doesn't that mean that the anticipation is part of what makes the fulfillment valuable? 

We can never go back and change a memory. We can never go back to the way things were before once "one day" is in the past. We will never be able to dream of what could be anymore, but will instead find ourselves reflecting on what already was. So in these days of longing and waiting, why don't we allow ourselves to enjoy the beauty of the anticipation of "one day", instead of constantly wishing we could just skip to it? Why don't we let ourselves daydream here and there, learn all we can from those who have already traveled through the seasons of life we long for, and let ourselves be who we are made to be right now? Why don't we focus on growing stronger, braver, deeper in faith, less selfish, more humble, alive and awake? 

We aren't promised anything in life, not even our next breath. We aren't entitled to anything, and truthfully we already have more than we deserve. Though it's not wrong to long for a dream to come true, and all of us will experience times of struggle in the waiting, there is so much to be thankful for right now, and a beauty in life out there waiting to be discovered that won't get any more or less beautiful once "one day" comes.

You may not be where you long to be yet, but you're closer than you were yesterday. And with every breath, every step, every minute, and every day, you are nearing the reality of the life you're working for and dreaming of. Let that truth encourage you to make the most of every day. You may not be where you wish you were, but my friend, you're on your way. 

Don't forget to enjoy the scenery as you travel through this life. <3

Letting Go

At my work, I sit by a wall of windows with a clear door for most of the day. Looking out those windows, across the street, are a bunch of trees. Week after week, I've been watching these trees slowly start to change colors with the fall. It's been such a slow process, that I often overlook just how much has truly changed, because it just isn't all that noticeable when it's little by little. However, this past week... I noticed. 

You see, my family and I have been in a tough season for the past two years now. Lately, I've been feeling as though God has been saying to my heart that it's finally time for a new season. The change was barely noticeable, only little by little and day by day, and just when we thought things were getting better... this past Monday, my grandpa passed away. It was a peaceful passing, after a tough and long battle with so many different things, and he was finally able to be reunited with his "blue-eyed bride" who passed away two years ago in December... but even though it was something that he was ready for, and something that we all had a lot of time to prepare for, and that put him out of his misery, the loss of a loved one is never easy. I found out the news as I was heading out the door to go to work, and spent the rest of the day in a weird sort of dream-like daze, not knowing if anything was really happening. 

I was talking with God all day, and asking Him to help me process things and help me see what He was trying to say... and then I noticed the trees that I'd been watching every week. Suddenly, they were all completely changed. The colors were vibrant, and everything was so noticeably, beautifully different. I felt as though God was saying to me, "Do you see that? It's new now. It's a new season. I'm paving the way for new life to come. Do you believe that everything is going to be okay? And that it's time to let go?". 

Life is honestly all about letting go. Time goes on, and we're letting go of something every moment. You'd think it'd be something super easy for us to do, since we're faced with it every day... and yet probably the hardest thing to do in this life is to let go. Whether it's letting go of a loved one, a shattered dream, a relationship, fear, control, or anything else, letting go is hard, painful, and undesirable. The thought of it all led me to write a short poem in my journal that I wanted to share with you all today. 

"The seasons never fail to change right when their time has come. And yet, I don't trust my God to change my seasons, too, even though I see each day the many things He's done. What sense is that? To not surrender to an ever-loving and faithful King? If I trust in Him to change my seasons, new life He will always bring. I think the key lies in a gift called by the name 'free will'. The seasons change, but they have no choice, I have to choose to let go even still. I have to choose to let my leaves fall down, not knowing what will happen. I have to choose to rise above the fear I'm feeling rather trapped in. It's all my choice to hold on alone, or let go, walking on with Him. I choose to choose the latter, and I'm ready now to watch life grow from within."

Letting go is so hard, and something that we each have to do again and again every single day. But we can rest in the truth that when God has us let go of something, or someone, He will never leave us there. He will walk with us every step of the way, and He will bring new life from our hardest seasons. 

God is with us in every season of letting go. Though it's so hard and painful, and often scary, and we don't know what will come... He knows. He's got us all under the covering of His loving arms, and He won't ever let us go. 

Even when we're letting go.

May we never let go of Him no matter what else falls away. 

I love you, grandpa. Thank you so much for living your life to honor Christ, serving with all of your heart, and loving your wife, kids, grandkids, great-grandkids, and every other person God put in your path faithfully and fully. We're all better people because of you, and so thankful to God for your life and legacy. I cannot wait to see you and grandma again, and get to worship Jesus with you both by my side once more. Until that day, I can only hope and pray that my life will be able to point up to Jesus as much as yours did. Thank you for everything. I'll see you in a little while. 

Meaning In the Mundane

When I was a little girl (and honestly even still!), I would ALWAYS have a countdown going, counting down to the next exciting thing happening. Whether it was a countdown for a family vacation, for Christmas, for a dance recital, or even for my birthday, I was constantly counting down to something exciting, and the countdown is what kept me going through the time of waiting. I've found my motivation in looking forward to the next thing since I was small, and this part of my personality has become incredibly evident throughout the course of 2020. Why? Because, though I did not usually have a physical countdown anymore, when I watched the things I was mentally counting down to start to get rescheduled or canceled one by one, I began to realize that I was no longer waking up every morning with excitement for the day ahead. It took extra work for me to find motivation to even just do my work for each day, and as someone who has been extremely self-motivated for the last 18 years... this came as quite the shock to me. 

I started trying to figure out why I was no longer motivated to do pretty much anything, and after months of soul-searching and talking things through, I found out the connection between my motivation and my natural future-based excitement for life. Without my countdowns, I didn't see much of a reason to do anything anymore. That may sound strange, but I honestly believe that several people out there can relate to that. 

I recently read the classic 'Man's Search For Meaning'. In it, a point is made that all humankind needs a reason to keep going, a meaning for life if you will. Whatever it may be for you, we all need a "mission" in this life, otherwise we feel as though it has no meaning. 

So what happens when we can't seem to find any mission? What happens when there is nothing to count down to in the near future? When we're moving from one season to the next, but we're not quite settled in to our new home yet?

Well, the answer is simple. We either crash and burn, facing every day with hopelessness and complaining... or we begin to search for meaning in the mundane. 

I realized something powerful a few weeks back, when I was thinking about this topic and beginning to type down my thoughts on it all. I realized that, these exciting moments I had spent my entire life counting down to?... They're not even where most of my life is going to be lived in. They go by in an instant, they're often just one day to a week out of my entire life... and then they're over. The future quickly becomes a memory, and then guess where I find myself again?

The mundane, every day moments of life. 

I would go so far as to say probably 80% of life is lived in the day-to-day. Once I realized this reality, I entered a bit of a crisis. "You mean I won't just suddenly be happy and feel like I have meaning once the season/event/day I'm looking forward to happens unless I find out how to be content and live with meaning NOW???" I asked myself. And the truth of it is, yes! You won't just magically become content once your circumstances change. You won't just magically become the woman or man you want to be once you get the job you want, live in the area you've been eyeing, get married (or enter into a relationship), have children, graduate, you name it. Unless you work on it NOW, even though you don't feel like it, it's not going to happen then.

But how do we find meaning in the mundane? What is our purpose in the overwhelming, stressful, routine, day-in, day-out seasons of life? Well, I can't answer that for you. Honestly, I have trouble answering it for myself most days! But I can help encourage you to find your own answers for that by offering a few tips that have been so helpful in my own battle finding purpose and contentment again. 

The first is, do your best to soak in absolutely every moment. Take a breath in and a breath out, and do your best to leave your worries at the feet of Jesus. If you're talking with somebody, be totally present with them. Listen to them. Put your phone away, stop letting the worries about how your life is going to look tomorrow cloud the back of your mind, and just let yourself enjoy every moment of every conversation. If you're taking a walk, or going for a drive, or even just taking a shower or doing work around the house, try not to think about anything besides what's happening around you, or what you're doing in that moment. You only get every second once, so do your best to soak in even the seconds you don't exactly want to stick around. When being present becomes your "mission", you start to realize that often the little things that you overlooked (the jobs you do, the relationships and friendships you have, and so on) have great value. 

The second can be a bit tricky at times, and especially at first... but it is, do your best to find something to be thankful for in every moment. Often times, the reason we're wishing our routine days away is because we're taking them for granted. We're not happy where we are, and we want it to end as soon as possible. When you focus on things to be thankful for, rather than complain about, you start to shift your perspective on your life as a whole, even if you don't realize it right away. When thankfulness is your "mission", you start to see that life truly does have great meaning. 

The last tip I have is something that is extremely difficult for many adults to do, but goes hand-in-hand with tip number two... and it is, be unashamed to be excited about even the little things in life, and try to keep a positive outlook, even if people look down on you for it. Deep down, I believe everyone respects adults (or teenagers!) who still have an enthusiasm about life even after experiencing the ugly parts of it. That childlike joy and light is desired in many, if not all, of us. I know this is so hard to do, especially the older we get and the more it seems the people around us expect us to be negative, super serious, and discouraged. But I challenge you to find something, anything, that ignites your childlike joy (we all have it buried within us), and then work your way up to finding more things until it becomes a habit. Whether it be having a dance party to your favorite songs, and just letting yourself forget all other worries and responsibilities for a few minutes, or just needing to pause and smile while eating your favorite dessert or breakfast, do your best to make it a habit to search for the little things in life that make you feel alive and motivate you. When childlike joy becomes your "mission", you start to see how beautiful and fun life can really be, even in the day-to-day.

Above all, remember that, in Christ, every moment has meaning. And even Jesus lived 33 years on this earth before His ministry began in a formal way, which brought Him many more exciting and eventful days. He knows exactly how you feel. But as long as you are on this earth, every second matters. You have work here to do, and, as a friend so beautifully told me once, the most important things in this life (i.e. faith, relationships with family and friends, etc.) are grown deeper, and experienced most, in these every day moments. Think back on some of your favorite memories from childhood and beyond. Were most of them made in the average, everyday life you live? Every day has meaning in Christ, because every day provides an opportunity to experience and grow the most important things that will last us for eternity. 

The things of this earth don't last forever. Eventually, it will all fade away. If we try to find fulfillment in these things, it won't work. What will last forever is Heaven. We have the chance to help guide souls towards that eternal destination every single day, by loving as Jesus loved, serving as He served, providing wisdom when we're asked, and showing them something different that gives them hope and plants a seed. Even if that day the only soul that was steered closer to Heaven was our own, Heaven throws a celebration for that! That is what's most important in life. Faith, hope, and love. That's what brings us meaning, even in the every day moments of life. That's what we have the chance to experience even in the here and now. And the memories we make living this out will one day be the ones we look back on with a smile on our faces and fondness in our hearts. Not the memories where we spent going through the motions, or focusing on our own worries and stress trying to get it all done. The moments when we loved deeply, served selflessly, worshiped wholeheartedly, and let the joy of the Lord flood our hearts. I pray that we all would find more moments like those in life. Because truly... those moments are what it's all about this side of Heaven. 

What's Next?

It's been awhile since I've been very active on this blog! 

As many of you know, I started blogging weekly when I was 15 (the end of 2017). This blog's mission, since the beginning, has been to share parts of my life experiences with you all, in hopes of encouraging someone who can relate, and helping them find a hope and peace in the middle of all of life's chaos and storms. That's why the name "Steady Earthquake" has titled this ministry since the start. My original passion and hope was for others to realize, through my sharing my own journey through this earthquake of life, that there IS a way to remain steady- to remain hopeful and at peace- in the middle of it all.

My last weekly post on this blog went up on May 17th, 2019. It was a post I had made about overcoming fear, and it was scheduled to go up on the day of my Junior recital. Apart from my knowledge, that typical day ended up turning into one of the most major dates of my life, and I ended that day needing the very words that I had typed earlier that week and posted on this blog earlier that day. Many of you know this, but my dad had a rare stroke that same day, while I was getting ready to sing and dance at that recital. My phone was on airplane mode, so that I could leave it on backstage without it messing with the mics or distracting me with texts and calls, so I had absolutely no idea until the recital was over; but the moment I heard the news is a moment forever marked in my memory, and one that began a journey through deep anxiety and PTSD that I have only just started finding healing from this year. 

Everything was a blur. ICU waiting rooms, graduation for the class of 2019 (of which my sweet boyfriend is a part of), performances which ended up being my last ones (due to COVID canceling my final Senior year shows), my dad's brain surgery, rehab, friends and family dropping off meals, and an entire summer of recovery and change for us all. Life as I'd known it had disappeared, and, little did I know, it was only the beginning. My shield of faith took some holes that day, which grew larger over the course of that summer and fall, and I felt as though I was an impostor in the ministry because of it. I felt like I couldn't pray the real prayers anymore, because I was doubting that God would answer them; I had this chronic fear that I couldn't shake that something traumatic was about to happen any second; I didn't know who God truly is, and what He wants for His children, anymore; and then the enemy started whispering lies in my head about how hypocritical, unqualified, and inadequate I was sharing things about some good God Who has our best in mind and loves us deeply through it all, when I was having trouble believing it myself. I would smile, but behind that smile the voice was pulsing through my mind saying, "who do you think you are? They can tell that you're fake. Nobody's going to be encouraged by you". I couldn't even look at my eyes in the mirror without the voice telling me, "just what do you think you're doing with your life? You don't belong where you are". 

I started my Senior year that fall with this battle raging in my mind and spirit every moment. As mentioned in my most recent post, I started dealing with a chronic digestive condition, so much tension in my neck and spine, and even a bit of a breathing issue that all came forth from the crippling grip of stress, fear, guilt, and shame that I was captured by every day of my life. I kept up weekly poems of encouragement on my other blog, and I would still share things here and there as part of the ministry that I've had on my personal social media accounts since I was 15, but even though I never fully left the ministry, my spirit wasn't into it. I was running from what I knew God was calling me to do (ministry) because I felt like I wasn't "good enough" to do it anymore. 

As I kept on running in fear, the battle got worse and worse. I wasn't listening to God's call, and it took the world shutting down due to a pandemic, and all of my plans for Senior year and post-grad life getting changed or canceled, before I finally decided to take a rest from the race and pay attention to what He was trying to tell me. At the end of July in 2020, I decided I wanted to listen to Him again, and seek His guidance for the next chapter in my life. I spontaneously decided to take a month-long break from my social media (other than my page for my other blog that I post on a few times a week), and just devote all of my time to praying and listening to Him. People I graduated with were starting college or careers, people I knew were going back to school, or getting married, or having kids, or moving... I had no college plans, no career direction, no work plans anymore, pretty much nobody to hang out with since most of the people I hung out with were getting busy with their new seasons of life (and, you know, there's a pandemic happening that makes meeting up a little challenging), I had no shows to focus on anymore, no performance opportunities, and basically... no excuses to get out of spending time with God. 

I fully expected to log off of my social media and not really ever return. I wanted to escape from the ministry full-force for a month to sort of prove to myself that God wasn't REALLY calling me to it. I figured that I would get into the habit of not being online, and of not sharing my stories and voice with others anymore, and then I would just be able to escape from it all entirely when I returned in September. Though I still planned on staying online to some extent, just to catch up with friends and family, I thought I'd be able to "get away" from the ministry part of it, so to speak. I even started writing a post on my other blog about "retiring the blog" that I was going to share sometime after I made my return. However, much as I wanted to, when I went to type those words in that post... there was like there was this force stopping me. It felt almost as if my fingers physically could not move to type those words, and I ended up just deleting that draft instead. That moment caught my attention, though, and I began praying about what God wanted me to do regarding my ministry. 

In time, He revealed to me the root of why I wasn't all that excited about the thought of returning to ministry, and He began to heal my heart from wounds I didn't even realize were there. I asked Him to reveal to me what had been keeping me from answering His call this long, and poured myself into studying His Word and spending time with Him, and He showed me the lies I had been believing about myself, the pressure I was putting on myself to do it all on my own when He was saying that it wasn't up to me or anyone else to determine my success in the first place, and the Truth He wanted me to focus on. I realized that I couldn't just walk away from this, and asked Him to help me learn to rely on Him again, and to give me the words He wanted me to share with those He would bring to listen. 

What was "supposed" to be a time away for me to prove to myself that God wasn't really calling me to ministry, and to figure out where I was actually supposed to go, ended up becoming a time where I realized that, though I had been searching for what I was "supposed" to do with my life all while leading up to graduation, I honestly had it more figured out at 15 than I do at 18. My life may be pretty uninteresting to others, and my platform may not be all that big, but as I was so wonderfully reminded not too long ago, "Heaven rejoices even over just one soul". If any of you reading this can become that "one soul" through my average, every day life experiences, then I'd count this ministry as a success. 

So "what's next"? It's a question many have been asking me since my Junior year of high school, and finding out the answer is the reason many of you clicked on this post. I tend to leave that question unanswered unless directly confronted with it, largely because of my fear of what others will think by my response. But you'll hear it here first: what's next is that I'm back in the ministry, and I'm back to encouraging others, and sharing my voice with anyone who wants to listen. 

What am I doing about college and career? I have no idea. How is that going to make a living for me? Good question. Where will I be in the next five years? Check back with me in 2025. But one thing I do know for sure, I'm meant to be right where I am, and I'm done being afraid of what comes next.

 

For anyone reading who may be having trouble discerning God's will for their life, who may be exhausted trying to figure it out with no known answer in sight, or who may be feeling anxious, ashamed, traumatized, or all of the above... I just want to remind you that God's plans for us are good. They are to give us HOPE and a FUTURE. You can rest in the knowledge that God is good, and that what He has for you is good. He isn't a cruel God Who is going to snatch every glimmer of hope from you, and leave you with a broken heart and a tragic story. He WANTS to give you hope, and He wants for you to experience it new every morning. He also wants to give you a FUTURE. He doesn't want you dwelling in your past, afraid that your tomorrow is going to look like today. He wants you to leave the past behind, and just take another step wherever He leads you. He wants you to rejoice as you ring in the new, every single dawn.

Always remember that it is by His grace that you are where you are and who you are. You don't have to be ashamed when you look in the mirror, and you don't have to feel guilty about being a hypocrite or unworthy. The truth is, we ARE! But God's grace is amazing. You can "boast in your weaknesses" because it is by God using you in spite of those weaknesses that His power is made perfect. It's by HIS grace and might that you are worthy, and that you have made it where you are. He is responsible for every victory you have ever had, and ever will have. By Him, you don't have to live in shame. He takes all of that away! "It is not I, but Christ Who is in me".

 

His grace is why I am able to make this comeback, after so long of hiding and running. His grace is why I am able to be victorious after so long of being defeated time after time. His grace is something to celebrate, and I want to boast about it again. I'm saved by His true grace and love. It's amazing, and I pray this new fire I have because of it will never end.

The Senior Year That Carried On...

Our word changed with just a single headline. 

For 12+ years the highschool seniors of 2020 had been working for the moment when it would finally be "our year". And I know that many of you 2021 seniors can relate to this as well. Many of us spent years watching older siblings, cousins, role models, and friends graduate and longed for the day when it would be us up there. Personally, I recall in middle school talking with my best friend at the time all about the seniors we looked up to, planning how to make them feel special as they entered into the adult world, and spending HOURS dreaming of what could happen when it was finally "our year".

2020 was "our year". That was going to be the year it would finally be our turn. That was the year we'd finally get to make an impact on the places and people we would be leaving behind in highschool, be a grown up, experience life through the position of those we so looked up to when we were young, start the rest of our adult lives, and of course... walk that stage. The very thing my little heart would race with excitement and burn with longing every time I watched the "big kids" do it.

I worked for senior year. I prayed for senior year. I longed for senior year. I planned for senior year. I know it sounds so silly, but that year meant so much to me. During my 8th grade year, my friend (the one mentioned above) and I came up with an idea to write letters to some seniors we looked up to. The next year, I decided to personally continue that and write every senior in my "highschool" (I was homeschooled) a personalized letter, which later became a yearly tradition and then an online ministry. I've told some stories about it before, but that simple deed done for the seniors led to unique connections with them, and I saw many miraculous heart changes (including mine!) through it. Again, I know it sounds silly, but seniors have been my mission field since I was 13. So the moment when I would become one myself, and would write those final letters and get to walk that stage... My little mind could barely fathom it.

I spent year after year so invested in the seniors that when the fall of 2019 came and I finally was one myself... It didn't feel real. I took the senior photos, I had my last first day, we ordered my cap and gown, I attended all the meetings, I had my final Christmas production and started work on my final spring one, I began my last year of dance classes, I started working out all the post-grad plans, I started planning the grad party... But none of it felt real to me. It was like I had been so focused on everyone else going through their senior year that when it finally came to my own... I just didn't know how to process.

Well, second semester came. I turned 18, started getting SUPER excited about the dates that were all coming closer than I could believe...

And then came the headlines.

You all know what I'm talking about.

Instead of the bittersweet, eagerly anticipated "lasts" we were all expecting to come in second semester, we got about two months of "normal" before we were abruptly locked in our houses and faced with the grief of never getting to walk our halls again, talk to our teachers again, see some of our friends again, and of not having known that our last day before quarantine- a random day at the beginning of March- would end up being our last day at school ever, the day that we expected to have in May.

It was hard. It hurt BAD. Personally, I felt like a crazy person because for the first few weeks I would go from being angry, to weeping out of grief and hurt, to being numb, and then to being okay again all in the span of like 10 minutes. I can very easily say that in all of the talks, dreaming, and planning I did throughout my middle and highschool years, I NEVER would've thought of or wanted my senior year to go like it did. Nobody would've planned or wanted this, and that's what makes things like this so hard to take. 

It stinks. It just straight-up stinks. For everyone in every situation. 

We each have our own unique yet equally difficult story from 2020. This is my story, and my hope is that by sharing it, somebody else out there will be able to find hope in their own. The year that was "supposed" to be "my" year turned out absolutely nothing like I ever would've wanted or planned. I had already had a Junior year that ended up being the hardest year of my life, and quite frankly I barely remember any of 2019 because of it. I was facing grief from losing my grandma, PTSD from almost losing my dad only 5 months later, and a bunch of PTSD, stress, worry, and fear from a situation regarding someone else in my family walking through a really dark time. Because of all the chronic stress and worry, I literally started making myself sick against my knowledge. My stomach started having all of these issues, making it hard for me to eat anything without it leaving me in some form of pain or discomfort; my spine, neck, and shoulders were always in pain because of the tension I was carrying every day; sometimes it would be hard to breathe because I was constantly tense and stressed; dancing was getting difficult because of all of the physical pain; and all of that, in turn, made me even more worried, thus making it all even worse. I constantly had this cloud of worry in the back of my mind that something bad was going to happen, after all the bad that I had witnessed had happened over the past year. After awhile, the anxiety and physical difficulties got so bad that I actually considered quitting performing, something I have been doing for about 17 years and have loved since the very start. The cloud of worry was causing me to be unable to be present and give my best to every rehearsal and performance, and really to even just enjoy my life from day to day. I barely remember many of the performances I did, or experiences I had, during this time because I was so caught up in the cloud that it was like I wasn't even there. The worry started affecting my voice, too, the thing I knew I was called to use forever for God's glory, and I even considered quitting singing because it was physically starting to give out from the constant tension and stress. I nearly gave up on my faith, shut everyone I love out (including Jesus), and spent every day in a blur just going through the motions. Even my quiet times just felt rehearsed and plain. 

This was my 2019, and it carried into 2020. My life was slipping away but I barely even noticed. Every day just felt like the same thing, and I was desperately seeking a way out. I started praying for God to make this year a year of breakthrough, victory, and joy. I prayed for God to shift my heart and mindset, help me learn how to desire and seek Him again, teach me how to slow down, and for this to be a year of healing and peace. I didn't expect much to become of it, but I would pray those prayers every day while I went about my normal life. I made the plans for post-graduation, entered into adulthood, and continued to go through senior year pretty much the same as junior year... until we got those headlines...

Talk about a wake up call.

For the first three weeks of quarantine, I was not a pleasant person to be around. As previously mentioned, my emotions were EVERYWHERE, and I was NOT happy about how life was looking. My plans for post-graduation all got changed on me. I was out of work. My senior year both pretty much ended out of nowhere and got extended indefinitely at the same time. I was mad that so many people were dying, losing their dreams, losing their jobs, and getting sick. There was just so much happening, and so much that had already happened, and one night during that first week, my boyfriend called me because he could tell from my texts that I was in a dark place. He reminded me of the truths I knew, but I couldn't believe that I was actually having trouble saying I believed them at the time. I was in such a dark place that I didn't know if I even believed anything I knew I did anymore. 

At the end of that conversation, he challenged me to say that I did believe it all, and to never give up on it. He reminded me of all the times in the past that God HAS come through and proved real to me, and how so much of who I am is based in my faith. I couldn't just walk away from that. I knew he was right, and that's why I had been so numb and fearful the past year. I had let a flaming arrow of doubt get in through a hole cast in my shield of faith, and once in, it started burning me away. I started crying and reached my breaking point where I told him I just wanted to believe again so badly. This began a process of healing for me that I never knew I needed. 

I started inviting Jesus back in, and truly listening to what He was trying to say to me. I had absolutely nothing left to lean on except for Him. I literally had no idea what was going to happen next for the first time in my life, and the only thing I could do was talk with my Heavenly Father about it all. For the first time since I was 16, I started telling Him everything. Every disappointment, every fear, every longing, every worry, every doubt, every question... I told Him things I didn't even know I felt or thought, and finally reached a point of connection with Him that I had been praying for and longing for since the middle of my junior year. There's a sort of beauty that comes from pure surrender, and in the moment I reached it, everything began to heal. I would tell Him whenever I was scared, worried, angry, doubtful, stressed, lonely, confused, sad, and just about anything else you can think of. I started praying the hard prayers that He would convict me, show me where I needed to grow, become my longing (since all of my former longings were suddenly proven unable to be fulfilled), and so on and so forth. I started seeing Him answer in powerful ways, and began to find true peace, contentment, and light in the middle of the darkest time I could recall the world going through during my lifetime. 

It wasn't easy, and it certainly isn't even still... But as more and more of my plans and dreams began to be crushed before my eyes, I experienced something I had been deeply longing for more than anything for so long. As I wept with the world, and grieved my own loses along with it, I experienced the reality of Jesus truly caring and weeping with all of us as well, and that brought me more comfort than anything else could possibly have. 

My senior year went nothing like I dreamed. It wasn't anything I planned, and I certainly hope nobody else ever has to go through anything like 2020's plot-twists again... But though unexpected, unknown, and unwanted, God used this time to answer my prayers. If it weren't for the plot twists thrown in "my" year, I wouldn't have even felt like I was living throughout the whole thing- just like in 2019. I may have given up singing, dancing, acting, performing, writing, ministering, and reaching out to others (the very things I knew I was called to do) because I was so burnt out and so sick and so unaware that I needed to get to the roots of the old weeds before I could plant new seeds. I was under attack and didn't even realize it... 

...But God.

Two words that have begun to light up my face all the way to my eyes again. The world was dark and broken... but God still broke through. Nobody knew what was coming... but God knew what to do. 

It may sound crazy, but I am now so thankful for this unexpected and unwanted end to my childhood. And to elaborate a little more on the sickness struggles I mentioned earlier, I have not found full freedom from that yet. I still am on a road to healing, physically and mentally, and it isn't easy in the least. Physically, I've had to change my diet so many times, try out so many different treatments, and it still seems to pop up from time to time. Mentally, I've talked with SO many people for so long, just trying to heal from this PTSD and learn how to live my life again without worrying, but it still takes hold of me sometimes. Though I am MUCH better, and I praise God daily for it, I still do have my days where my physical and mental struggles seem overbearing, and I can't do much else besides lie down and talk with God. Those days are lessening as time goes on, my voice is returning to its full, I can dance again, my strength is returning, I can eat more things again with no trouble, and I believe with all of my heart that the full freedom that I seek WILL become my reality one day; but the affects of chronic stress on your body are no joke. It took me almost two years to get to where I found myself, and I'm trying to have patience with myself as I take longer than I'd like to get my full strength and light back again. However, that being said, this time of sickness and struggle has taught me so much about how to have compassion, and how to view God and others rightly and give my full heart to Him, and I am learning to thank Him for even the hard days (as much as I don't want to most of the time). Because really, He IS answering my prayers, even though it's taking longer than I'd like and it looks different from what I thought; and I am so thankful that God hears every prayer, sees every tear, and has a plan far greater than we could ever imagine for each and every one of us. 

We may never understand His ways, but they are always for our good. Even in the moments when they don't look how we think they should. He's always reaching out and offering a better plan. It's only up to us whether we will take His hand. Whatever you are facing, and whatever your story may be, I pray that you would carry on through every hour of uncertainty. I promise that He hears you, I promise that He's there. Though at times it may not feel like it, I promise you He cares. So lift your head up, weary friend, and believe that there's a way. Someday this nightmare soon will end, and you'll have something powerful to say. 

Whenever now I wonder if He's there or if He's gone... I hope I always will recall the senior year that carried on.

Do the Impossible

I could feel my heart beating harder and harder.
The shaking and cold-sweats had begun.
My stomach felt uneasy.
My breathing grew shallow.
I felt light-headed and a little sick...

I was up next to go on stage in front of a hundred or so people and sing for them.
As much as I love to sing, doing it with everyone watching me sends me into full-on panic attacks every time.

And yet, I'm a performer.

The reason why? Well, let me tell you another story...

I remember a time when I wasn't afraid.
In fact, as a little girl, I used to LOVE making people laugh.

I would have so much fun as the center of attention, and others would experience my joy with me when I would share my gifts with them.
I would sing, dance, act, do impressions, you name it.
It didn't matter how big the crowd was, I just loved sharing joy with people.

As I got older, the excitement came along with some nerves.
The enemy began to whisper lies in my head that I wasn't good enough, and that nobody enjoyed my performances.
My confidence was destroyed, and it took me about two years of voice lessons and playing ensemble roles in musicals before I finally started to get it back again.

The summer before my sophomore year in high school, God changed my life by proving to me that all the lies I believed were wrong.
I decided that it wasn't about me, and I wanted to perform for my King with everything I had in me from there on out.

I worked harder than I'd ever worked in my life, and stopped worrying about what other people thought of me.
I was performing for my Audience of One, and His opinion was the only one that mattered to me.

The enemy saw that his attacks at me had failed, so he tried a different approach to keep me from sharing God's joy with the world:

Anxiety and panic attacks.

I've dealt with slight anxiety for a majority of my life, but it never seemed to affect me on stage too much.
I noticed the change when I got my first lead in the musical 'Oklahoma' at the beginning of my junior year in high school.
While I was on stage, doing a scene for it, a panic attack hit me.

All I was supposed to do was sit still and react to a character's solo.
It should've been the scene that made me the LEAST nervous, but for some reason that's when it hit me.

I started freaking out because I didn't know what was wrong with me.
All that I knew was that I was suddenly feeling faint, sick, and out-of-breath.
I fought it back until the scene ended and I was able to go to the back of the stage, in the shadows, to prepare for my upcoming solo in the scene to follow.
As I stood there, I took a second to say a quick prayer and try to calm down.
Thankfully, panic attacks don't last that long (though it feels like an eternity), and I was calm enough to complete the show; but that experience was only the beginning.

After that, every audition, choir performance, play, musical, solo, and even sometimes worship on Sundays (I'm on the worship team) came with more dread than excitement. I was so afraid that I'd experience another panic attack, that I let the fear take over my joy.
After battling it for about seven months, I was praying about it and felt it laid on my mind to look up symptoms of a panic attack. That's when I discovered what it was, and an instant realization came over me:

This was an attack from my enemy.

He tried taking me down with lies that I wasn't good enough. When that failed, he had to come up with a stronger plan so he started attacking me with anxiety and panic.
I hate to say it, but it worked for a LONG time.

Too long.

He knew my eyes were fixed on my King, so he started trying everything he could to block my view.

But now?...

I'm done letting him win.

I've given him a foothold for far too long.
Yes, I'm terrified, but my God would not have given me the opportunities and gifts that He has given me if I were not supposed to use them.

My God is greater, stronger, and higher than the darkness ever will be.

At the mention of His name, it all has to flee.
So though I stood beside that stage with panic in my soul...
I took a breath and told myself that God is in control.
I sang for my Creator, and chose to prove fear wrong...
And now I choose to do it again, each day of my lifesong.

Whatever's holding you back today, I want you to know that it is a weapon formed against you.
But here's the great news:

We win.

To the One In Need of Peace...

Before the world began, I am

I've always had a plan, for I am

You needn't fear, for I am here

Before the world began, I am.

Before you were conceived, I am He

I've always known your plan, for I am

You needn't cry, those tears I'll dry

Before you were conceived, I am He.

And long after you die, it is I 

I wrote this long ago, I've always known 

You needn't worry, don't try to hurry

Long after you die, it is I.

I am.

Look to the Lord

Do you ever find yourself doubting that you're capable?
Have you ever felt exhausted trying to balance everything, and been tempted to stop trying?

Are you someone who wrestles with fears and worries that you won't be "good enough" or that you're unable to put your all into something or someone because you just can't handle all that you've been given to take on?


If you answered "yes" to any of those questions, this post is for you

I've found myself in that boat for the past couple of weeks.
God has been giving me so many wonderful opportunities and experiences, and I thank Him for them every day.

The only thing is that there are SO many of them coming my way lately that if I even take my eyes off of the Lord for a second, I get overwhelmed and can't handle it all.


I want you to read that last sentence again


I get overwhelmed and exhausted whenever I take my eyes off of the Lord.
When my eyes are on Him and His strength, I don't seem to feel stressed out.

I get so focused on how powerful He is, and how He is working through me, that I forget my own weaknesses and incapability.
I've been praying a lot lately for God to help me fix my gaze upon Him and His strength rather than my own- to seek Him above everything in this world.


There's an analogy for this that can be found in Matthew.



The disciples are in a boat out at sea, and Jesus comes walking on the water to meet with them.
Peter asks Jesus to tell him to come to Him on the water if it is really Him.

Jesus tells him to come, and Peter walks safely on top of the waves when his eyes are on the Lord.
But when he saw the wind, he became afraid and began to sink.


We only sink when we choose to focus on the wind rather than the One Who made it

If you've been focusing on the wind and waves lately, and feel yourself beginning to sink, I want to challenge you to take a deep breath and turn your eyes to Jesus. I think you'll be amazed at the outcome.


"Look to the Lord and His strength; seek His face always." -1 Chronicles 16:11

Being Present

Have you ever found yourself reading something in the Bible and then completely forgetting what it is that you just read a minute later?

Be honest here.

Maybe you start out focused and interested, and then as you read on you start to notice your mind slowly wandering to your to-do list, or to thinking about someone or something, or worrying about something in the past or future. 

If I'm being truthful, I'd have to admit that this happens to me just about every day.


It's not that I don't WANT to focus... It just sort of... Happens. 


Can you relate to that?

It doesn't even have to be with your Bible readings; it can be in school, at work, while talking to someone, doing the dishes, folding laundry, singing, dancing, writing, praying, working out, you name it.

Have you ever noticed your mind being one place while your body's another?


If you find you can relate, you're not alone.

One of the things I've been trying to work on in my life lately has been learning to be present wherever I find myself.

So often I can become so focused on my thoughts, worries, or feelings that I become oblivious to all the beauty in the moment I currently find myself in. 

Whether it be while praying, reading the Bible, worshiping, during school, working, or even the little things like doing stuff around the house or being out with friends or family.

I get so distracted by my own thoughts that even though I find myself physically present, I'm not really there.


So what can we do about it?

Something I've been really trying lately is to:

1. Take a breath

2. Cast my worries upon Jesus

and 3. Just choose to stop thinking about anything that doesn't relate to where I am and what I'm doing at that time.

If I'm doing school and find myself thinking about what I'm going to eat for lunch, I just tell myself to focus and think about lunch when lunch comes.

If I find myself working out and worrying about how something I said may have come across to somebody, I choose to focus on the workout and clear things up afterwards.

If I'm doing the dishes and find myself analyzing every detail about my friendship with a guy, I just choose to let the friendship be what it is and worry about how I'd respond to something more when it comes up (should it ever come up).


Life is so beautiful and so much more enjoyable when we're living it outside of ourselves.

God intends for us to live our lives to the FULL.

He wants us to be at PEACE and enjoy all the beauty around us.

I challenge you this week to be present.

Don't let yourself get all up in your head when there's something happening around you right now that you'll never get back once it's gone. 

Be present today.