One Day...

"One day, I'll have my own space and be able to do whatever I want with it, and then I'll be happy..."

"One day, I'll get a boyfriend, and then I'll be happy..."

"One day, I'll have a job, and then I'll be happy..."

"One day, I'll have a pet to keep me company, and then I'll be happy..."

"One day, I'll find good friends I can count on, and then I'll be happy..."

"One day, I'll be married, and then I'll be happy..."

"One day, I'll have children of my own, and then I'll be happy..."

"One day, I'll be graduated, and then I'll be happy..."

"One day... and then I'll be happy", "I may not be content where I am NOW, but I know I will be one day".

How many times, if we're being honest, have we thought this same thing? I can give plenty of examples from my own life of times when I've been looking to "one day" as my source of contentment or happiness. There are so many moments in my life where I have been just existing from day to day, waiting to truly live until "one day" when everything would somehow magically be ideal, and I would transform into a content, happy, peaceful, joy-filled woman. 

In fact, my "one day" for most of my middle and high school years was the day I would become a girlfriend, get a job, have friends who stick by me and encourage me and pray for me no matter what, become an adult, graduate from student life, and start life on my own. Pretty much... exactly the life I live now. And yet, I've come to realize a truth that honestly really surprised me even though I had heard many other people say it before... one of these days will be your "one day"; and then it'll go by, and you'll wake up the next day, and then the next day, and then the next day, and then the next day... time keeps on moving, and if you hold back from truly living your life to the full wherever you are now, and refuse to work hard at learning how to be content in your present circumstances even if they aren't desirable, then you will wake up the day after "one day" and realize that you're just as unsatisfied as you were before. 

You see, the truth of it is that "one day" is just that- one day. It comes and it goes, and then your life moves on like before. As much as you wish you could pause time, it seems to instead fly by faster on the days you wish you could freeze forever. Time keeps on moving, life keeps on going, we develop new dreams and "one day" hopes, and then we reach those, too; and before we know it, our dreams are all memories. It's a seemingly sobering statement, but it doesn't have to be. 

Think about it. If the days we so look forward to right now are truthfully just days that will come and go, then don't these days we're in currently have a unique beauty to them worthy of allowing ourselves to enjoy? Doesn't that mean that the anticipation is part of what makes the fulfillment valuable? 

We can never go back and change a memory. We can never go back to the way things were before once "one day" is in the past. We will never be able to dream of what could be anymore, but will instead find ourselves reflecting on what already was. So in these days of longing and waiting, why don't we allow ourselves to enjoy the beauty of the anticipation of "one day", instead of constantly wishing we could just skip to it? Why don't we let ourselves daydream here and there, learn all we can from those who have already traveled through the seasons of life we long for, and let ourselves be who we are made to be right now? Why don't we focus on growing stronger, braver, deeper in faith, less selfish, more humble, alive and awake? 

We aren't promised anything in life, not even our next breath. We aren't entitled to anything, and truthfully we already have more than we deserve. Though it's not wrong to long for a dream to come true, and all of us will experience times of struggle in the waiting, there is so much to be thankful for right now, and a beauty in life out there waiting to be discovered that won't get any more or less beautiful once "one day" comes.

You may not be where you long to be yet, but you're closer than you were yesterday. And with every breath, every step, every minute, and every day, you are nearing the reality of the life you're working for and dreaming of. Let that truth encourage you to make the most of every day. You may not be where you wish you were, but my friend, you're on your way. 

Don't forget to enjoy the scenery as you travel through this life. <3

What's Next?

It's been awhile since I've been very active on this blog! 

As many of you know, I started blogging weekly when I was 15 (the end of 2017). This blog's mission, since the beginning, has been to share parts of my life experiences with you all, in hopes of encouraging someone who can relate, and helping them find a hope and peace in the middle of all of life's chaos and storms. That's why the name "Steady Earthquake" has titled this ministry since the start. My original passion and hope was for others to realize, through my sharing my own journey through this earthquake of life, that there IS a way to remain steady- to remain hopeful and at peace- in the middle of it all.

My last weekly post on this blog went up on May 17th, 2019. It was a post I had made about overcoming fear, and it was scheduled to go up on the day of my Junior recital. Apart from my knowledge, that typical day ended up turning into one of the most major dates of my life, and I ended that day needing the very words that I had typed earlier that week and posted on this blog earlier that day. Many of you know this, but my dad had a rare stroke that same day, while I was getting ready to sing and dance at that recital. My phone was on airplane mode, so that I could leave it on backstage without it messing with the mics or distracting me with texts and calls, so I had absolutely no idea until the recital was over; but the moment I heard the news is a moment forever marked in my memory, and one that began a journey through deep anxiety and PTSD that I have only just started finding healing from this year. 

Everything was a blur. ICU waiting rooms, graduation for the class of 2019 (of which my sweet boyfriend is a part of), performances which ended up being my last ones (due to COVID canceling my final Senior year shows), my dad's brain surgery, rehab, friends and family dropping off meals, and an entire summer of recovery and change for us all. Life as I'd known it had disappeared, and, little did I know, it was only the beginning. My shield of faith took some holes that day, which grew larger over the course of that summer and fall, and I felt as though I was an impostor in the ministry because of it. I felt like I couldn't pray the real prayers anymore, because I was doubting that God would answer them; I had this chronic fear that I couldn't shake that something traumatic was about to happen any second; I didn't know who God truly is, and what He wants for His children, anymore; and then the enemy started whispering lies in my head about how hypocritical, unqualified, and inadequate I was sharing things about some good God Who has our best in mind and loves us deeply through it all, when I was having trouble believing it myself. I would smile, but behind that smile the voice was pulsing through my mind saying, "who do you think you are? They can tell that you're fake. Nobody's going to be encouraged by you". I couldn't even look at my eyes in the mirror without the voice telling me, "just what do you think you're doing with your life? You don't belong where you are". 

I started my Senior year that fall with this battle raging in my mind and spirit every moment. As mentioned in my most recent post, I started dealing with a chronic digestive condition, so much tension in my neck and spine, and even a bit of a breathing issue that all came forth from the crippling grip of stress, fear, guilt, and shame that I was captured by every day of my life. I kept up weekly poems of encouragement on my other blog, and I would still share things here and there as part of the ministry that I've had on my personal social media accounts since I was 15, but even though I never fully left the ministry, my spirit wasn't into it. I was running from what I knew God was calling me to do (ministry) because I felt like I wasn't "good enough" to do it anymore. 

As I kept on running in fear, the battle got worse and worse. I wasn't listening to God's call, and it took the world shutting down due to a pandemic, and all of my plans for Senior year and post-grad life getting changed or canceled, before I finally decided to take a rest from the race and pay attention to what He was trying to tell me. At the end of July in 2020, I decided I wanted to listen to Him again, and seek His guidance for the next chapter in my life. I spontaneously decided to take a month-long break from my social media (other than my page for my other blog that I post on a few times a week), and just devote all of my time to praying and listening to Him. People I graduated with were starting college or careers, people I knew were going back to school, or getting married, or having kids, or moving... I had no college plans, no career direction, no work plans anymore, pretty much nobody to hang out with since most of the people I hung out with were getting busy with their new seasons of life (and, you know, there's a pandemic happening that makes meeting up a little challenging), I had no shows to focus on anymore, no performance opportunities, and basically... no excuses to get out of spending time with God. 

I fully expected to log off of my social media and not really ever return. I wanted to escape from the ministry full-force for a month to sort of prove to myself that God wasn't REALLY calling me to it. I figured that I would get into the habit of not being online, and of not sharing my stories and voice with others anymore, and then I would just be able to escape from it all entirely when I returned in September. Though I still planned on staying online to some extent, just to catch up with friends and family, I thought I'd be able to "get away" from the ministry part of it, so to speak. I even started writing a post on my other blog about "retiring the blog" that I was going to share sometime after I made my return. However, much as I wanted to, when I went to type those words in that post... there was like there was this force stopping me. It felt almost as if my fingers physically could not move to type those words, and I ended up just deleting that draft instead. That moment caught my attention, though, and I began praying about what God wanted me to do regarding my ministry. 

In time, He revealed to me the root of why I wasn't all that excited about the thought of returning to ministry, and He began to heal my heart from wounds I didn't even realize were there. I asked Him to reveal to me what had been keeping me from answering His call this long, and poured myself into studying His Word and spending time with Him, and He showed me the lies I had been believing about myself, the pressure I was putting on myself to do it all on my own when He was saying that it wasn't up to me or anyone else to determine my success in the first place, and the Truth He wanted me to focus on. I realized that I couldn't just walk away from this, and asked Him to help me learn to rely on Him again, and to give me the words He wanted me to share with those He would bring to listen. 

What was "supposed" to be a time away for me to prove to myself that God wasn't really calling me to ministry, and to figure out where I was actually supposed to go, ended up becoming a time where I realized that, though I had been searching for what I was "supposed" to do with my life all while leading up to graduation, I honestly had it more figured out at 15 than I do at 18. My life may be pretty uninteresting to others, and my platform may not be all that big, but as I was so wonderfully reminded not too long ago, "Heaven rejoices even over just one soul". If any of you reading this can become that "one soul" through my average, every day life experiences, then I'd count this ministry as a success. 

So "what's next"? It's a question many have been asking me since my Junior year of high school, and finding out the answer is the reason many of you clicked on this post. I tend to leave that question unanswered unless directly confronted with it, largely because of my fear of what others will think by my response. But you'll hear it here first: what's next is that I'm back in the ministry, and I'm back to encouraging others, and sharing my voice with anyone who wants to listen. 

What am I doing about college and career? I have no idea. How is that going to make a living for me? Good question. Where will I be in the next five years? Check back with me in 2025. But one thing I do know for sure, I'm meant to be right where I am, and I'm done being afraid of what comes next.

 

For anyone reading who may be having trouble discerning God's will for their life, who may be exhausted trying to figure it out with no known answer in sight, or who may be feeling anxious, ashamed, traumatized, or all of the above... I just want to remind you that God's plans for us are good. They are to give us HOPE and a FUTURE. You can rest in the knowledge that God is good, and that what He has for you is good. He isn't a cruel God Who is going to snatch every glimmer of hope from you, and leave you with a broken heart and a tragic story. He WANTS to give you hope, and He wants for you to experience it new every morning. He also wants to give you a FUTURE. He doesn't want you dwelling in your past, afraid that your tomorrow is going to look like today. He wants you to leave the past behind, and just take another step wherever He leads you. He wants you to rejoice as you ring in the new, every single dawn.

Always remember that it is by His grace that you are where you are and who you are. You don't have to be ashamed when you look in the mirror, and you don't have to feel guilty about being a hypocrite or unworthy. The truth is, we ARE! But God's grace is amazing. You can "boast in your weaknesses" because it is by God using you in spite of those weaknesses that His power is made perfect. It's by HIS grace and might that you are worthy, and that you have made it where you are. He is responsible for every victory you have ever had, and ever will have. By Him, you don't have to live in shame. He takes all of that away! "It is not I, but Christ Who is in me".

 

His grace is why I am able to make this comeback, after so long of hiding and running. His grace is why I am able to be victorious after so long of being defeated time after time. His grace is something to celebrate, and I want to boast about it again. I'm saved by His true grace and love. It's amazing, and I pray this new fire I have because of it will never end.

The Senior Year That Carried On...

Our word changed with just a single headline. 

For 12+ years the highschool seniors of 2020 had been working for the moment when it would finally be "our year". And I know that many of you 2021 seniors can relate to this as well. Many of us spent years watching older siblings, cousins, role models, and friends graduate and longed for the day when it would be us up there. Personally, I recall in middle school talking with my best friend at the time all about the seniors we looked up to, planning how to make them feel special as they entered into the adult world, and spending HOURS dreaming of what could happen when it was finally "our year".

2020 was "our year". That was going to be the year it would finally be our turn. That was the year we'd finally get to make an impact on the places and people we would be leaving behind in highschool, be a grown up, experience life through the position of those we so looked up to when we were young, start the rest of our adult lives, and of course... walk that stage. The very thing my little heart would race with excitement and burn with longing every time I watched the "big kids" do it.

I worked for senior year. I prayed for senior year. I longed for senior year. I planned for senior year. I know it sounds so silly, but that year meant so much to me. During my 8th grade year, my friend (the one mentioned above) and I came up with an idea to write letters to some seniors we looked up to. The next year, I decided to personally continue that and write every senior in my "highschool" (I was homeschooled) a personalized letter, which later became a yearly tradition and then an online ministry. I've told some stories about it before, but that simple deed done for the seniors led to unique connections with them, and I saw many miraculous heart changes (including mine!) through it. Again, I know it sounds silly, but seniors have been my mission field since I was 13. So the moment when I would become one myself, and would write those final letters and get to walk that stage... My little mind could barely fathom it.

I spent year after year so invested in the seniors that when the fall of 2019 came and I finally was one myself... It didn't feel real. I took the senior photos, I had my last first day, we ordered my cap and gown, I attended all the meetings, I had my final Christmas production and started work on my final spring one, I began my last year of dance classes, I started working out all the post-grad plans, I started planning the grad party... But none of it felt real to me. It was like I had been so focused on everyone else going through their senior year that when it finally came to my own... I just didn't know how to process.

Well, second semester came. I turned 18, started getting SUPER excited about the dates that were all coming closer than I could believe...

And then came the headlines.

You all know what I'm talking about.

Instead of the bittersweet, eagerly anticipated "lasts" we were all expecting to come in second semester, we got about two months of "normal" before we were abruptly locked in our houses and faced with the grief of never getting to walk our halls again, talk to our teachers again, see some of our friends again, and of not having known that our last day before quarantine- a random day at the beginning of March- would end up being our last day at school ever, the day that we expected to have in May.

It was hard. It hurt BAD. Personally, I felt like a crazy person because for the first few weeks I would go from being angry, to weeping out of grief and hurt, to being numb, and then to being okay again all in the span of like 10 minutes. I can very easily say that in all of the talks, dreaming, and planning I did throughout my middle and highschool years, I NEVER would've thought of or wanted my senior year to go like it did. Nobody would've planned or wanted this, and that's what makes things like this so hard to take. 

It stinks. It just straight-up stinks. For everyone in every situation. 

We each have our own unique yet equally difficult story from 2020. This is my story, and my hope is that by sharing it, somebody else out there will be able to find hope in their own. The year that was "supposed" to be "my" year turned out absolutely nothing like I ever would've wanted or planned. I had already had a Junior year that ended up being the hardest year of my life, and quite frankly I barely remember any of 2019 because of it. I was facing grief from losing my grandma, PTSD from almost losing my dad only 5 months later, and a bunch of PTSD, stress, worry, and fear from a situation regarding someone else in my family walking through a really dark time. Because of all the chronic stress and worry, I literally started making myself sick against my knowledge. My stomach started having all of these issues, making it hard for me to eat anything without it leaving me in some form of pain or discomfort; my spine, neck, and shoulders were always in pain because of the tension I was carrying every day; sometimes it would be hard to breathe because I was constantly tense and stressed; dancing was getting difficult because of all of the physical pain; and all of that, in turn, made me even more worried, thus making it all even worse. I constantly had this cloud of worry in the back of my mind that something bad was going to happen, after all the bad that I had witnessed had happened over the past year. After awhile, the anxiety and physical difficulties got so bad that I actually considered quitting performing, something I have been doing for about 17 years and have loved since the very start. The cloud of worry was causing me to be unable to be present and give my best to every rehearsal and performance, and really to even just enjoy my life from day to day. I barely remember many of the performances I did, or experiences I had, during this time because I was so caught up in the cloud that it was like I wasn't even there. The worry started affecting my voice, too, the thing I knew I was called to use forever for God's glory, and I even considered quitting singing because it was physically starting to give out from the constant tension and stress. I nearly gave up on my faith, shut everyone I love out (including Jesus), and spent every day in a blur just going through the motions. Even my quiet times just felt rehearsed and plain. 

This was my 2019, and it carried into 2020. My life was slipping away but I barely even noticed. Every day just felt like the same thing, and I was desperately seeking a way out. I started praying for God to make this year a year of breakthrough, victory, and joy. I prayed for God to shift my heart and mindset, help me learn how to desire and seek Him again, teach me how to slow down, and for this to be a year of healing and peace. I didn't expect much to become of it, but I would pray those prayers every day while I went about my normal life. I made the plans for post-graduation, entered into adulthood, and continued to go through senior year pretty much the same as junior year... until we got those headlines...

Talk about a wake up call.

For the first three weeks of quarantine, I was not a pleasant person to be around. As previously mentioned, my emotions were EVERYWHERE, and I was NOT happy about how life was looking. My plans for post-graduation all got changed on me. I was out of work. My senior year both pretty much ended out of nowhere and got extended indefinitely at the same time. I was mad that so many people were dying, losing their dreams, losing their jobs, and getting sick. There was just so much happening, and so much that had already happened, and one night during that first week, my boyfriend called me because he could tell from my texts that I was in a dark place. He reminded me of the truths I knew, but I couldn't believe that I was actually having trouble saying I believed them at the time. I was in such a dark place that I didn't know if I even believed anything I knew I did anymore. 

At the end of that conversation, he challenged me to say that I did believe it all, and to never give up on it. He reminded me of all the times in the past that God HAS come through and proved real to me, and how so much of who I am is based in my faith. I couldn't just walk away from that. I knew he was right, and that's why I had been so numb and fearful the past year. I had let a flaming arrow of doubt get in through a hole cast in my shield of faith, and once in, it started burning me away. I started crying and reached my breaking point where I told him I just wanted to believe again so badly. This began a process of healing for me that I never knew I needed. 

I started inviting Jesus back in, and truly listening to what He was trying to say to me. I had absolutely nothing left to lean on except for Him. I literally had no idea what was going to happen next for the first time in my life, and the only thing I could do was talk with my Heavenly Father about it all. For the first time since I was 16, I started telling Him everything. Every disappointment, every fear, every longing, every worry, every doubt, every question... I told Him things I didn't even know I felt or thought, and finally reached a point of connection with Him that I had been praying for and longing for since the middle of my junior year. There's a sort of beauty that comes from pure surrender, and in the moment I reached it, everything began to heal. I would tell Him whenever I was scared, worried, angry, doubtful, stressed, lonely, confused, sad, and just about anything else you can think of. I started praying the hard prayers that He would convict me, show me where I needed to grow, become my longing (since all of my former longings were suddenly proven unable to be fulfilled), and so on and so forth. I started seeing Him answer in powerful ways, and began to find true peace, contentment, and light in the middle of the darkest time I could recall the world going through during my lifetime. 

It wasn't easy, and it certainly isn't even still... But as more and more of my plans and dreams began to be crushed before my eyes, I experienced something I had been deeply longing for more than anything for so long. As I wept with the world, and grieved my own loses along with it, I experienced the reality of Jesus truly caring and weeping with all of us as well, and that brought me more comfort than anything else could possibly have. 

My senior year went nothing like I dreamed. It wasn't anything I planned, and I certainly hope nobody else ever has to go through anything like 2020's plot-twists again... But though unexpected, unknown, and unwanted, God used this time to answer my prayers. If it weren't for the plot twists thrown in "my" year, I wouldn't have even felt like I was living throughout the whole thing- just like in 2019. I may have given up singing, dancing, acting, performing, writing, ministering, and reaching out to others (the very things I knew I was called to do) because I was so burnt out and so sick and so unaware that I needed to get to the roots of the old weeds before I could plant new seeds. I was under attack and didn't even realize it... 

...But God.

Two words that have begun to light up my face all the way to my eyes again. The world was dark and broken... but God still broke through. Nobody knew what was coming... but God knew what to do. 

It may sound crazy, but I am now so thankful for this unexpected and unwanted end to my childhood. And to elaborate a little more on the sickness struggles I mentioned earlier, I have not found full freedom from that yet. I still am on a road to healing, physically and mentally, and it isn't easy in the least. Physically, I've had to change my diet so many times, try out so many different treatments, and it still seems to pop up from time to time. Mentally, I've talked with SO many people for so long, just trying to heal from this PTSD and learn how to live my life again without worrying, but it still takes hold of me sometimes. Though I am MUCH better, and I praise God daily for it, I still do have my days where my physical and mental struggles seem overbearing, and I can't do much else besides lie down and talk with God. Those days are lessening as time goes on, my voice is returning to its full, I can dance again, my strength is returning, I can eat more things again with no trouble, and I believe with all of my heart that the full freedom that I seek WILL become my reality one day; but the affects of chronic stress on your body are no joke. It took me almost two years to get to where I found myself, and I'm trying to have patience with myself as I take longer than I'd like to get my full strength and light back again. However, that being said, this time of sickness and struggle has taught me so much about how to have compassion, and how to view God and others rightly and give my full heart to Him, and I am learning to thank Him for even the hard days (as much as I don't want to most of the time). Because really, He IS answering my prayers, even though it's taking longer than I'd like and it looks different from what I thought; and I am so thankful that God hears every prayer, sees every tear, and has a plan far greater than we could ever imagine for each and every one of us. 

We may never understand His ways, but they are always for our good. Even in the moments when they don't look how we think they should. He's always reaching out and offering a better plan. It's only up to us whether we will take His hand. Whatever you are facing, and whatever your story may be, I pray that you would carry on through every hour of uncertainty. I promise that He hears you, I promise that He's there. Though at times it may not feel like it, I promise you He cares. So lift your head up, weary friend, and believe that there's a way. Someday this nightmare soon will end, and you'll have something powerful to say. 

Whenever now I wonder if He's there or if He's gone... I hope I always will recall the senior year that carried on.

18

When I was a little girl, I dreamed about being 16. Whether it was because I had older cousins and people whom I looked up to who were 16 at the time, or because I just knew I could get a job, driver's license, boyfriend, and a bunch of other things at 16 that I couldn't (or couldn't as easily) before then, the only specific age I remember looking forward to throughout my whole childhood was 16. 

When I hit 16, it was a dream come true. I loved every second of it, and didn't think I'd ever want it to end... And then as the year went on, I saw close friends of mine reach 18. They graduated highschool, some went off to college, they'd talk about things like voting and living on your own and things I couldn't relate to yet, and so many other things that I started to get impatient with waiting for in my own life. By the end of my 16th year, at the start of my Junior year of highschool, a new dream age was birthed in my heart. I now longed to be 18. 

Since the new dream was birthed, I couldn't even imagine wanting to be any age except 18, and even though it was only a little over a year away, there were times when it seemed like it was taking an eternity to get here. And yet, somehow, I barely took a second to breathe and now I'm 18. 

There are new dreams in my heart now. I very much look forward to my 20's, getting married to the "prince charming" I've been praying for and dreaming of since I was a toddler, having a family of my own, getting to watch my friends and family live out the dreams they've been working for for so long, and so many other things. I look forward to exploring this mysteriously beautiful season of young adulthood I now find myself entering into... And yet, a part of me now grieves the season I'm leaving behind. 

It took 18 years to finally learn, but I see now that this life goes by quicker than you think. Since I was a kid, I would plan and dream about my senior year of highschool. Now, it's going to be over in just a few short months. I've been dancing since I was 2-years-old, and in just 3 short months I will be taking my last class. Performing has been pretty much all I've known my whole life, and at this time next year, I won't have any more big productions to look forward to. I'll only be under my parents' roof for another year or two, I may never get the chance to sing in a choir again after I graduate, I'll never see most of the people I went to highschool with again once the fall rolls around, and I'm realizing that everything I've ever known is going to keep changing right before my eyes throughout my entire 18th and 19th years. I never thought it could happen; it always seemed so far off in the future. It was like a dream I never knew could become reality. 

Now today is the day of my 18th birthday. 

I want to soak in these final 3 months as much as I can. As much as I eagerly look forward to the next thing now, I'm reminded that life is very short. While I'm 18, I want to focus on loving God and others as well as I can as an 18-year-old. I don't want to make the same mistake I've made in years past by getting so caught up in thinking about how I'll be able to live well as a 20-year-old, or even as a 19-year-old; I want to take full advantage of where and who I am right now and do my best to not miss an opportunity I have at 18 because I'm so focused on living beyond that. 

I'm exactly where I'm meant to be for now. 

Sure people may look down on me because I'm young, or I may get told I can't do something (or that I should be doing something) because of my current age... But God has placed me where I am right now for a reason, and truthfully that's never going to change. 

Others will always make you feel like you're not "enough". Whether it be that you're not "old enough", "smart enough", "pretty enough", "skilled enough", "experienced enough", and so on and so forth, there will always be voices around you trying to get you to live in discontent. 

It may seem harmless at the time, but when you look back on your life in 20 years, you're only going to feel the sting of regret. If you can't learn to be content where you are now, you will never be content when your situation changes. All you'll do is long for the next thing, then the next, then the next, and end up wishing your whole life away. 

Wherever you're at today, I challenge you to live to the full. 

Seek out the beauty in this season you're in, and focus on it with all you've got. 

Learn to smile, laugh, and dance through every second of your current situation, and when times change (for the better or worse), bid the old a bittersweet goodbye and begin to seek out the newfound beauty. 

I promise you, once learned to live contently, you'll find you've learned how to really live. 

Fully Capable

I have this fear that I'm incapable. It fights me in everything I do. 

I'm currently playing the White Witch in a production of The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe; and even though I have everything memorized that I need to, I get so scared that I can't do it.

I've put off taking the ACT because I don't think I'm smart enough.

I go back and forth on the whole college decision because I worry I won't be able to do well. 

I get nervous every time I have to be heard singing by my teachers, because I have this fear that I'm doing it wrong.

The list could go on, but the bottom line is:

There's a voice in my head that screams at me, saying I'm not good enough. 

I know it's a lie, but it's still there.

It's something I have to take before God every day, and anything that I do at all is a result of His strength overtaking me. 

This got brought up in a conversation with a friend the other day, and they told me something that their dad has told them before when they've felt like this. 

They said, "Just work your hardest, and the outcome is up to God."

I suppose it didn't really hit me too much at the time, but thinking back at that conversation is helping me to realize... Maybe my fears are a result of my resistance to surrender. 

Maybe I'm subconsciously saying, "okay, God. You can take full control of this... As long as it turns out this way." 

What if I'm so afraid of a plot twist being thrown my way, that the enemy knows he can keep me from glorifying God's name if he just whispers to me, "you're not good enough. You'll fail if you try."

He wants to keep me from trying. If I tried, I would become a testimony. I would become a threat. I would show the world that Philippians 4:13 remains true.  

Maybe that voice creeps into my head to keep me from trying; and maybe it succeeds because I'm refusing to trust God with the outcome, even if it means I do fail, or a door does close in my face. 

I'm not sure how much sense this post is making (I'm kind of making two different points here), but if you take anything away at all, I want you to know that I am on a mission to prove that voice wrong.

Maybe I will fail, I don't know; but I know my God strengthens me, therefore I am capable. 

I am good enough. 

I am smart enough.

I am gifted enough. 

I am fully capable of doing what I am called to. 

Even if I fail, I will still become a testimony that I did it. I worked my hardest, and I fought past the lies, and the outcome just means God has something better in mind for me.

You are good enough.

You are smart enough. 

You are gifted enough. 

You can do ALL things through Christ Who gives you strength. (Yes, even math.)

You go do what you're capable of, and trust that God knows what He's doing with the outcome. 

Let's go be testimonies. 

Let's go be threats.

Life's Roller Coaster

I've gotta be honest with you guys, I've been a bit stressed out lately.
I feel bad even saying that, because I know of people who are balancing far more than I am and rarely complain, but it feels as if my life has gone from 0 to 100 overnight, and it's been a bit overwhelming lately. 

Suddenly, I'm an upperclassman, and school is kind of make or break now.

Suddenly, I have to start looking at colleges and careers, and look into taking the dreaded ACT.

Suddenly, I'm working at getting my first job.

Suddenly, I'm playing a lead with really LONG lines to memorize, and a LOT riding on; and I could go on and on. 

Balancing is hard. I want to devote everything I've got to each task individually, but sometimes I just stop and wonder if I have anything left to devote. 
My days are turning long, my nights are turning short.
My schedule's getting crazy, and it honestly feels like I'm at the top of the big drop on a roller coaster; I'm about to get thrown about and tossed around, and there's absolutely no turning back anymore.

Sound dramatic? Okay, yeah, maybe a little...
 But can you relate?

I know some of you adults reading are probably thinking, "*pfft* buckle up, kid, it gets worse."
And even some of you students reading are probably thinking, "You have it lucky, girl."
Again, I don't like sharing when I get overwhelmed, because I know so many amazing people who are balancing, or have balanced, everything that I have, times ten. 

Honestly, reminding myself of some of those people is what gives me the motivation to keep on pressing on sometimes. 

But however little my balancing act may be, it's still big to me; as I know yours is to you, and anyone else's is to them.
Life gets crazy, y'all.
And it's different for every one of us.
The Bible tells us we are to work wholeheartedly at whatever we do (Colossians 3:23), and that's just plan difficult more often than not.
HOWEVER! (and here it comes)... 

"With God, all things are possible." -Matthew 19:26

I've found that when I focus on MY life, and MY stress, and MY worries; life gets pretty rotten.
But when I focus on my purpose (bringing glory to God) rather than my position, and my Creator rather than myself... 
Lo and behold, I get everything done well, and with joy too.

So I challenge you today, as well as myself, to take a deep breath and ask God for ways to take the focus off of your tasks.
Maybe that'll mean praying for a friend, encouraging somebody, or even just reading an extra chapter in your Bible today; whatever it is for you, do it.
And also, my friend, remember this...

If anyone can do this (applying to whatever you're stressing about now), it's you.

In Pointe of Fact

On August 27th, 2018, this past Monday, I got to experience a dream that I've had since I was 2 years old become my reality.

I've been a dancer for 14 years (since I was two), and ballet has always been my favorite style of dance. 

Ever since I started, I've been watching the girls "en pointe", and dreaming of one day getting to be there myself.

I wanted to be a professional dancer since I can remember, whether that be as a Radio City Rockette, a ballerina, or even just a dance teacher; and I spent most of my life pursuing that dream.

Around 2014, I switched to a professional dance studio, in hopes of making that dream a reality, and had my first recital with them in 2016. 

However, when I was there... I saw everything that the girls went through. I saw how strict and honestly mean some of the instructors were. I saw the way they had the girls move, and the songs they had them dancing to... 

Girls so skinny they were probably anorexic, and people encouraging them to remain that way... 

Boys in the same dressing room as girls... 

Gossip galore...

Layer upon layer of makeup, caked onto the face of a child... 

and everything about that environment didn't settle well with me.  

I'm not saying professional dance is bad, nor am I judging anyone who does it.

Just this specific studio that I was at made me see that it's not always as glamorous as it appears.

After the recital was over, I made the decision to give up on that dream. 

I cried a lot over it, and it was a very hard thing for me to do. 

But I couldn't shake that feeling, in my spirit, that this lifestyle wasn't in God's plan for me.

I didn't understand why He'd be so cruel as to make me give up something I loved so dearly, and had wanted since I was small...

But nevertheless, I did it. 

Because something inside of me told me the story wasn't over yet.

That fall, I started taking ballet lessons with my theatre group. 

I didn't want to do all the recitals and competitions anymore, I just wanted a laid-back environment where I could improve my technique.

Well, God had something better in mind, because my teacher turned out to be a professional ballerina.

And guess what some of the more advanced female students were wearing in it?

Pointe shoes.

I spent the summer of 2017 working harder than I've ever worked before, in hopes of getting my strength up, and in March of this year, I asked my teacher if she thought there was a possibility that I could ever do pointe...

And this past Monday, I got my pointe shoes. 

So why do I write this novel of a blog post? 

Most of you probably are not ballerinas, and most of you probably have already heard this story before.

Well, I write because I realized, on the morning I went to get fitted, that God knew this day was coming all along. 

He let me give up my dream, He let me cry, He let me doubt and ask Him why over and over again...

But He knew what He was doing all along. 

I can just imagine the smile on His face when I went up on those shoes for the first time (and every time from here on out). 

I can see Him, looking at me with those deep, loving eyes; on the day of that recital, saying to me, "Child... If you only knew what's coming."

And those images make me stop and think... What else is coming?

Those times when I ask Him why I'm having such a hard time finding a job... He lets me cry, but He knows what's coming. 

Those times when I tell Him I'm not strong enough to go on... He lets me cry, but He knows what's coming. 

Those times when I vent to Him about how no guy could ever be interested in me... He lets me cry, 

but He knows what's coming. 

Those times when tears fall on my textbooks... He lets me cry, but He knows what's coming.

And every time I come to lay a dream at His feet, He lets me cry... 

But He knows what's coming. 

And how beautiful is it to think that He's known all along?

Keep on pressing on.

Because, in point of fact... 

What's coming is worth it.

Distractions

I have a confession. 

Lately, I've been letting life get to me.

By that I mean, the distractions. The stress. The crazy...

It's all been trying, for quite awhile, to sneak its way into my head, and keep me from taking a breath, and with the start of the new school year, I've been letting it.

I realized the extent of it the other day, about halfway through the afternoon.

You see, every morning I spend about a half hour or so in prayer and Bible reading before I get ready for the day.

It helps me clear my head, relax, focus, re-evaluate my heart, surrender my cares, and get a fresh perspective on life; before anything else can get in the way of that.

Well, the other day, I was going about my day (high-speed I may add), and I just stopped for a second and realized... I had no idea what I had just read that morning.

I read a chapter each day, in whatever book I'm in at the moment, and ask God what He wants me to take away from it that day.

I try to think back on what stood out to me more than once throughout the day, so I don't forget; but this time... Everything was blank.

I couldn't remember the verse, I couldn't remember the chapter, I couldn't remember what the topic of it all even was, much less what I had taken away from it that morning.

I realized that I had allowed myself to get so sucked into the distractions (everything from school and work to my phone), that I was actually pushing my Best Friend away.

Ouch. Conviction.

But I don't think I'm the only one who's ever been hit by that one before.

They say that life only ever gets harder. 

I like to believe that's not true, but even just looking back at my life the first day of freshman year, compared to my life first week of junior year, it's clear to me that there is at least some truth to that statement.

It's hard to learn to balance everything, while keeping your energy up, and giving your all when you're doing each thing, and still making sure to keep God up on the top of that to-do list.

You know, it's funny.

Since that conviction, I've found that whenever I focus on all I need to get done that day, all the pressure, and all the stress, I push God away, and I never get it all done.

However, whenever I choose to just have fun doing whatever it is I'm doing, remember WHY I'm doing what I'm doing in the first place, and pour all of my attention and effort into that one thing at that time, I get everything done, and, as a bonus, never feel a bit of the stress. 

I find it interesting that letting my mind do the very thing that I'm afraid will lead to nothing getting done if I do (relax), actually is the only thing that gets me through the "list", along with (usually) a bunch of other tasks and events I never thought I'd be able to get to all in one day.

1 Thessalonians 5:17 says to, "Pray continually." 

I used to look at that verse and wonder, "How am I supposed to talk to anyone, and get anything done, if I'm constantly talking with God?"

But I've realized that your thoughts can become prayers too.

That is what I lack whenever I let the distractions get to me.

I let them take my thoughts off of my conversation with God, and when I'm not praying my way through my to-do list, nothing can get done. Because I can't do it all. Only He can. I need His strength to even just get through a normal day.

I want to leave today's post with one more story. 

I told God one morning, after the conviction hit, that I, "missed Him." 

I wanted our relationship back, and I missed being in continual conversation with Him. 

After I had said those words, I got this thought that was undeniably God.

It was this thought that God was saying to me, "I never left."

We all have a choice. 

I was the one who left, not God. He was patiently waiting for me to realize my humanity, and turn back to Him. 

We have the choice to either let the distractions consume us, or to pray for strength to do it all, and do it all well- that they may see a glimpse of God through it, and He may be glorified.

Life only ever gets harder.

Good thing we can do ALL things through Him Who strengthens us.

I'm praying for you all this new school year. (Whether you're graduated or not)

Go out and show the world something beautifully different.