Preparing for the Promise

How it began...

It started off as good stage chemistry... Apparently REALLY good stage chemistry.

We met through LifeLight Youth Theatre in late 2016, when Andrew was 15 and I was 14; but it took us until June 3rd of 2017 to finally start talking with each other. That first real conversation between us occurred at a cast party at IHOP on the closing night of the show Seussical, where I remember only choosing to sit across from him because he was sitting next to a guy I liked at the time who had told me earlier in the evening that he wanted to talk with me later that night. 

Little did I know while I was trying everything I could to be noticed by the boy to his left that my future husband was the one right in front of my eyes.

 Neither I nor Andrew remember anything we discussed that night, but Andrew remembers thinking after our conversation, “Wouldn't it be funny if anything ever happens between us? Then we could look back on this moment and laugh.”

However, nothing happened. At least not right away. People began to matchmake us together in their minds, even from that young age, but neither Andrew or I ever seriously considered the possibility of entering into a romantic relationship, and were barely friends at that. 

Turn the page to 2018...

 In early 2018, Andrew and my voice teacher decided to pair us together for a song she wanted us to do for the vocal recital that year. All of the practices for that broke the ice, and forced us to talk with one another more. We quickly realized that we enjoyed the other's company. By the time the recital rolled around, we were very comfortable around each other. Over the course of that summer, our friendship developed into a best friendship.

By August of 2018, during rehearsals for the show 'Oklahoma' (where we were playing opposite each other as the two lead love interests), we had both begun to develop a crush on the other; but we wouldn't ever have admitted it. We had both wasted our time focusing on crushes in the past, and had both come to the decision long ago that we weren’t going to date anyone in high school. Because of this, we both prayed about our developing feelings for each other every so often, but were quick to brush them aside and ignore them outside of prayer.

Yet as our friendship continued to develop, and we began to have deeper conversations, Andrew started to realize that his feelings for me were growing, and he wanted to pursue me. In fact, he left our first deep conversation about living for God as a teenager thinking, “wow. That’s the kind of girl I want to marry”.

However, he did not take the decision to pursue me lightly, and spent several months praying about it and seeking wisdom. I, on the other hand, was completely oblivious, and didn’t realize that there could have actually been something between us until early October of 2018, when a mutual friend strongly suggested to me that I should ask him to the spring formal because “he’d say yes to you”.

Once the thought was planted, I, too, began to spend months praying about it. Instead of just praying about it every so often, I began to take it to the Lord daily. I asked God to reveal to me what kind of a man this guy really was at the end of November, and a week later, my grandmother passed away. That may seem irrelevant, but guess who hugged me in the parking lot when I was leaving rehearsal to go say goodbye to my grandmother for the last time; gave me a ride to choir the next day because I didn’t have a car; tried to call me just to make sure I was okay; dropped everything he was doing to take me out to lunch on the day my grandmother died; gave me a ride to and from the production we were in the day after; encouraged and prayed for me nonstop; and was even planning on attending the visitation even though he had never met the woman?

By the end of that week, I knew in my heart that that was the kind of man I wanted to marry as well.

The feelings revealed...

I felt it heavily laid on my heart to pray for Andrew on the first day of 2019, though I had no idea why or even what to pray for. I spent the entire day praying for peace, guidance, wisdom, and various other things over him, and the next week-and-a-half praying specifically for God to let both of us know what to do about the possible relationship. At the same time, Andrew was praying very frequently about what to do about pursuing me, and was wrestling with the idea of letting me know how much he liked me while we were just 16 and 17. On January 13^th, I finally felt the pressing need to pray for it all subside; and on January 14th, 2019, at the end of our second rehearsal for the musical 'Peter Pan', Andrew felt God telling him that the time was right to tell me how he felt about me. Though he was unsure what would happen if he did, he listened to what he believed God was telling him to do, and on a cold Monday evening, with snow outside and next to nobody else around, he told me his thoughts in the café of the church where we met and fell in love at.

I was in so much shock that I was speechless, and instead of telling him any of the hundreds of things that I could have, I told him at the end of the night that I would, “get back to him when I could formulate words better”. Yes, that is a direct quote. I had plans to talk with him about it after choir the next day, and to ask him to wait a year so I could graduate high school first, but Andrew woke up that morning with a bad stomach bug and was unable to come to choir. I was super jumpy the whole day, especially around his sister Samantha who was the choir accompanist, and had no idea what to do next. I was going to talk with my parents about it after dinner that evening, but by the time that rolled around, I was bed-ridden and in seclusion with the same stomach bug Andrew had gotten.

We were each too sick to call, and neither one of us wanted to discuss the elephant in the room over text; so we just went about our week texting each other like we used to, as if nothing had ever gone down between us that Monday. Though it was a miserable and hilarious part of our relationship, all of that time spent in bed gave me time to think and pray about it, and I decided to change my mind on telling him to wait. 

On Monday, January 21^st, I told Andrew how I felt in return, and we went on our first date and became official on January 25^th. We danced through the hardships and joys of life together as boyfriend and girlfriend for the next 2 years, walking through the lowest of valleys and the highest of hills hand-in-hand, and through it all we grew deeper and deeper in love with each other, and above all, with our God. We found that we each possessed the ability to help each other in our faith and growth in ways that we hadn't experienced anyone else help us before, and that we each couldn't imagine our life without the other in it. Though we had known we desired to marry each other “one day” since pretty much the beginning, it wasn't until the COVID-19 crisis of 2020 when God revealed to both of us that “one day” was soon to be "today"...

2 months of not being able to see each other due to quarantine, a month of 6-feet-apart front porch dates, and several more months of mask-wearing dates were easily the most unique, and probably the most impactful, time in our entire dating relationship. We both grew so much, and by the end of that season, we were both ready for the next step.

MANY prayers went up for wisdom, providence, discernment, confirmation, and so on, regarding our relationship, during this time; and, as always, God showed up. He taught Andrew how to be a husband, and me how to be a wife, and we both realized that all along, through every trial we had experienced together that we would never want to do again… God was actually preparing us for the promise.

The engagement...

By December of 2020, we had decided that we were ready to move forward into engagement, with hopes of getting married by the end of 2022, when Andrew would be finishing his last year of college. We prayed about it for over a month, and then felt that we had a confirmation to move forward. 

On May 18^th of 2021, Andrew took me to Faust park, the park where I had spent many years giggling and dreaming as a child; brought me under a red bud tree, like the one we had danced under on the night of Andrew’s senior prom in 2019; got down on one knee; and asked me to marry him. I was happier than I'd ever been, and felt as though I were dreaming. I knew this day was coming, I had suspected since the night before that it would be on that day, and it felt fully natural and normal... and yet, for a moment, fears flashed through my mind. Fears about my health journey that I will not elaborate on in this post, but that has been a struggle for me in every way - mentally and physically - since late 2018. Fears about the unknowns of the future. Fears and grief about feeling continually stuck in my PTSD and anxiety while wanting to soak in every moment of the engagement.

These voices all flashed through my head in an instant, but what overpowered them all was the Voice of The Holy Spirit. I felt this overwhelming sense of peace break the chains of the voices of torment, and it felt like God was speaking to me Himself and saying, "Jaléna... Whatever happens, I'm in control. It's safe to say 'yes'." 

That was enough for me. My flesh was scared, but my spirit was stronger. And my spirit reminded me that even if things were going to go differently from how we wanted them to, God always has better in mind for His children. It was safe to accept this gift, not because I was promised perfect health, a certain number of years with this man, or even our wedding date! But because I could trust that God works out all things for good, even when they don't feel good, and that He promises to walk with us through it all.

The wedding countdown begins...

I gave the biggest smile of my life, I'm fully convinced of that, and said to this gift from God on his knee in front of me, "yes!! Of course I will!!!!" And suddenly, all the voices of fear and doubt melted away, and I felt more free than I had in a long time. Andrew picked me up and spun me around, and I felt as though I were soaring through the air like a free bird, maybe like one of those sparrows that God promises to always look after. His mom, my parents, and his two sisters were there, hiding and taking pictures and video of us, and we ran to greet them as soon as he put me down and placed a ring that I still think was literally taken from my dreams on my finger. After we all talked for awhile, and took some more photos, our families left, and he and I went to a picnic table to process what just happened and to eat some lunch. It rained on us while we were eating, and it had been raining the entire day leading up to that moment. I smiled under the umbrella as the rain poured down around us because it felt as though God was reminding me of another little blessing He was giving us- He cleared the rain away just so that we could get engaged.

The day we had been dreaming of for so long went by so fast, and before we knew it, we had set a date and wedding planning had begun! 

Throughout the 19 months of engagement, from May of '21 to December of '22, we two high school sweethearts have faced several major life changes, as well as several challenges in just about every area you could imagine. We have wrestled with jealousy and impatience. We have been so tired. We have struggled to give grace to the other, and have learned to lean on Jesus for strength to forgive even the most minor of inconveniences. And yet through it all we have seen evidence of the God it is we serve and want to tell the world of. God Who makes beauty from ashes, and hope from pain.

He has always taken care of us, and always proven trustworthy even when we're biting our lips and holding our breaths looking at the present reality and wondering how we're gonna make it. Our engagement season was hard, long, and stressful... but also so beautiful, bright, and good, and worked wonders to prepare us both for the marriage we so eagerly awaited. We wouldn't change a thing, and loved every minute. Yes, even the ones that brought us to our knees in tears. For it was through those tears and on those knees that we discovered God in ways we never would have had things gone the way we planned.

"I do"...

December 17^th of 2022 is the day we have been waiting and praying for since we were 16 and 17. Though we are uncertain what the future holds, or even what this long-dreamed-for day holds, we know Who holds it all, and we know He can ALWAYS be trusted to write your story.

 We are grateful for every trial and every pain that we have worked through and walked through together over these last four years. Because only when love has been tested and proved can you rest in the knowledge that your love is true. Not an emotion, but a choice. And one we’re learning to keep on leaning on Jesus to make every day of our lives. 

Today, I'm a bride. In just a few hours, I will walk the halls of the church we met at, which I now call my own, and will get to see the smiling faces of my four dear sisters who have cheered me on through all of life's battles. I'll get to put on my wedding dress; and will share laughter and memories, and perhaps a few tears, with everyone who is present. I'll get to see my dad look at me all dressed up, knowing that in his eyes I'm still that little girl wearing that pink princess dress that I refused to take off, and asking to dance with him every chance we got. That well-loved dress may have gotten an upgrade, but that little girl's still there. And he'll walk me down the aisle, sharing with me the moment I begged God to let him stay alive for when he was dying in the ICU after suffering a brain bleed stroke in 2019. Except God didn't just let him live, He also made sure that those words they said wouldn't return, and that right side they thought wouldn't be of much use anymore, all were restored. And satan tried to rob that gift from us a week before this day, leaving my dad back in the hospital until Monday the 12th; but God still, in His grace, gave us that moment.

And as I'll be pondering all of these things in my heart, and trying not to cry... I'll see my groom at the end of the aisle, and I'll get to meet his eye. And I'll know deep inside, as all these things take part, that really, this day, my whole life, reflects God's heart. And every hour I spent wondering where He could be, every prayer that I prayed, this whole day He would see! And He knew that if only I chose to hold on, He'd return, though much better, all that once had been gone. 

So today, this bride wanted to share with you her heart. Because I want you to know what led up to today's brand new start. I want you to know just a glimpse of what our God can do. So on this, our wedding day, I pray His love speaks to you.

19

 

February 12th, 2021, the day of my 19th birthday. My oh my how things have changed since my last birthday. Putting myself back in the shoes of the 17-year-old girl who was writing down her thoughts and reflections about turning 18, I had absolutely no idea what the year ahead had in store. Last birthday was pre-lockdown. Last birthday, I was still numb and questioning my faith. Last birthday, I was literally stressing and worrying myself sick, causing me to have all sorts of issues in my digestive system and in my adrenals. Last birthday, I was jobless, collegeless, and had no idea where I would be after the graduation that was coming up in just 3 short months. Last birthday, I was nervous at the thought of adulthood! Last birthday, I was still in highschool. Last birthday, I hadn't yet been chosen to give the speech at my class's graduation ceremony, and had only JUST signed up to audition to do it the night before. Last birthday, I wasn't teaching music or working with a ministry. Last birthday, I had hopes of being engaged by this birthday (my boyfriend knows this and we've had many long discussions about our "plan", so don't anybody out there think that this is a passive aggressive hint, haha!). Last birthday, I was physically losing my voice due to stress causing too much tension and pressure on my vocal cords and upper back/shoulders. Last birthday, meeting with Jesus was more of a chore than a thrill for me. Last birthday, I had shorter hair! Though let's be honest, nobody really noticed 😜. Last birthday, I still had walls up around my heart that were keeping me from fully being able to love and experience the joy of being loved, and was only just starting to let them down (for an example for context, I made my boyfriend wait to tell me he loved me for over a year, and had only just told him 11 days before my 18th birthday that I was finally ready to open up my heart and take a major step towards recovering from being numb by letting myself take the risk of outwardly expressing inward feelings). Last birthday, my friends and the people I was around looked a lot different than they do now, let's just say that much! Last birthday, my words had been slowly fading away, and I thought about stopping writing all together. Last birthday, I was so afraid of what other people thought of me that I hadn't yet taken the time to consider what I thought of me, and more importantly what God thinks of me. Last birthday, I was a kid! And now, here I am, my last birthday as a teenager, and my first time entering a birthday as an adult and not a child. There is SO much more that I could write about what all has changed between last birthday and this one, but I'll keep this short and just say that God's been doing a mighty work. I still have so much to learn, and I'm currently on a long and hard road back to the life of freedom from the chains of my shame and of my memories, but unlike last birthday, I have hope that I'll live to see the beautiful view at the end of this journey. I am SO far from perfect, and I never want anyone to get the impression that I am or that I am trying to be. Sometimes I do admittedly put on a fake sort of "perfection" appearance to cover up how messed up and broken I really am, but I am working to throw that cover away and tap into what it is I really feel, and who it is I really am, once more. Just like that 15-year-old girl did who started sharing her writings, as raw and real as they were, simply because she knew that God speaks to others through the power of relatability. I want to go back to that, for as long as I exist on this earth. I fear every day of my life that something traumatic is going to happen, or that I or someone I love will have a medical emergency and die. I fear walking away from the Truth, and what would happen if I were to grow lukewarm in my faith. I fear what 19 is going to bring, after such a long and hard two years of life have never seemed to end... but despite my fears and humanity, I'm learning every day that God can be trusted. I have so many questions for Him, but I'm learning that He's not afraid to hear them, even if some of His people are. I'm learning that He knows what He's doing, and that I don't deserve His love and protection and grace, but that He gives it freely even when I'm on my face sobbing because I feel the weight of my sin. I'm learning He came to take that weight away, and that nothing is too heavy for Him to hold. I'm learning that perfect Love casts out ALL fear, and that my life is not my own, and my blessings can never be earned. I'm learning that, though at times I feel as though my cup is too much for me, God never makes a mistake in giving us exactly what He knows we can handle- with Him. I'm learning how to dance and sing for Him again. I'm learning how to rest in the confidence that, as my grandfather often said, "the good Lord will take care of me", and everyone I love also. I'm learning how to feel again, and how to take time to process what it is I do feel. I may not be perfect, but what I can tell you is that when I look at myself from this year compared to last year... I see growth. It wasn't an easy growth, but the kind of growth that came through many tears, "whys?", and sleepless nights. I see a peace on my face that wasn't there a year ago. I see a hope in my eyes, and a light that's learning that it has an invitation to break free again. I see a creation that has been formed by God, and that is exactly what and where it is meant to be, and I believe with all of my heart that He will complete the work that He has so beautifully begun in this being. I hope 19 teaches me more and more how to be free, and that by this time next year, when I'm facing 20, I can report that, despite the memories and the things that have tried to drag me down, my God lifted me up out of the pit. Somehow, I believe that that will be my story a year from now, and I will do all that I can to fight to make that story a reality, putting my full trust in the only One Who can truly make it so. I'm happy. I'm not perfect, and I'm not always put together, more often than not I'm a mess just like anybody else... but I'm happy. Because my God is amazing, and I look at my short life and see how merciful and kind He has been to a broken mess like me, who could give Him nothing but a stained and torn heart in return. He makes beautiful things out of brokenness, friends. I want 19 to be the year I share that Truth with every breath I breathe. 

How wonderful life is, scars and pain and all. Our God is bigger, and will never, ever fall. 

Future of SteadyEarthquake

 

I’ve had this blog for just over 3 years now.

For those of you who’ve been following it since the beginning, I thank you greatly! It truly means the world to me that you’ve stuck around and supported me for so long. And for those of you who are newer followers, I thank you greatly as well.

At first, it was so easy to think of what to do with this blog; I would use it for weekly posts that followed my journey through life and what I was learning, and I would share them with whoever wanted to read. I began at 15, a sophomore in highschool, and most of you know the story from there about what happened when I went away for awhile and why I decided to come back as a recent graduate whose life is filled with changes and adventures right now (if you don’t know the story but would like to, check out my past post! It’s called “What’s Next?”).

Well, as just mentioned, I realized shortly after coming back that keeping up with this blog every week was not going to be as easy as it was when I started it in highschool, and that it was going to take me awhile to learn how to balance everything in my new life. When I started this blog, I only had this, my journals, and my social media accounts as a way of sharing my writings. Now, I have all of that, plus another weekly blog, and I’m having trouble figuring out what belongs where sometimes.

Another challenge I’ve been facing is trying to balance it all with work (I work two jobs, and my schedule can get pretty full sometimes), and trying to figure out what’s next for my life now that all that I’ve ever known is so different. But even with that, the Lord has always given me the words and the time just enough to get me through week by week as long as He’s wanted me to do everything.

Which brings me to my biggest reason for wondering about what I should do with this blog….

I’m wondering if maybe God’s telling me to step back. For real this time, and not just me deciding it.

It’s not at all that I feel like He wants me to stop sharing my writings all together! Just maybe that I need to pull back a bit on this way of sharing my writings specifically. I’ve been thinking and praying about it a LOT, and I think He’s opened many doors for me to continue weekly writing on my Letters of Light blog, and to keep doing my blog-like posts on my Instagram… but I’m thinking that’s where my full attention needs to be in this season. And I would still share on here when something happens that I want to make a long post on, or when I feel led to/have the time to! But I’m thinking that I’m not supposed to be doing it all all of the time anymore. I’ve been so confused about where God wants me to go, and what He wants me to focus on, because I’m passionate about so many different things, and I’m so excited about spreading the Gospel, connecting with others, and sharing the story of what God has done and is doing in my life!!… But I feel like He’s telling me, as He did Martha in the Bible, “Jaléna… You’re focused on so many things, but only One thing is necessary”.

I’m learning that, even if you have various gifts, passions, and abilities, it doesn’t mean that you have to do it all. We are to be still and know that He is God. When He opens a door, we should by all means walk through it!… but we shouldn’t force open doors just because they were open in the past, or because we think it’s what should be open. I’m learning this a day at a time, and I’m excited to see what else He desires to teach me in this new season. I’m so thankful for all the times I’ve been sharing weekly on this blog, and I can’t wait to see what He has in store for the future.

Thank you all, and I’ll see you around! Be sure to subscribe if you’d like to be notified immediately whenever I post next!

God Uses the Incapable

When I was a kid, I had a lot of trouble hearing. For the first 6 or so years of my life, I could barely hear anything, and went through a lot of trips to the ear doctor in order to help my ears learn how to do what they were supposed to do. I praise the Lord because now pretty much the only things I struggle with are a very slight ringing in my ears, and occasional ear infections/sinus problems, but because I was struggling with hearing so much around the same time I was starting to learn phonics, I dealt with a lot of problems sounding out words/spelling/writing, and sometimes I wrestle still with harder words. 

I never would have imagined that I would end up writing as much as I do as an adult. I journaled often, greatly enjoyed reading, would sometimes jot down ideas for possible stories/attempt to write some, and would have fun being creative with my siblings and friends, but I always thought that that creativity and those ideas would lead me to end up being an actress in movies, or something like that. And when it came to poetry... I NEVER would have imagined myself doing that in a MILLION years.

Yet, here I am. What started with taken an interest in trying to write songs at 13, led to writing blog-like posts on social media, starting this blog at 15, starting to write poetry consistently shortly before turning 16, starting my poetry blog (Letters of Light) at 17, writing and delivering my graduating class's student speech this past May, and now spending my days passionate about spreading the Gospel and Light through writing in every form I can. I say all of this not to boast about myself, because I honestly have nothing to boast about!! I never planned for the life that I live now, and I have to overcome much in order to continue doing what I do on a day-to-day basis... but I say this to let you all know just what Jesus can do through incapable, unqualified, outcast people like myself. 

Without Jesus, I am nothing. I would never have stepped out in faith to start sharing my writings that I didn't think were any good, nor would I keep doing it every day. I am also an introvert by nature, who deals with anxiety, and what I do now is far outside of my comfort zone. I still feel the fear when I go to share what I've written, or talk with someone who has a different opinion than I do or who is calling me out on something, or get up in front of people, or share openly about my struggles, and I still doubt myself all the time. But it is not I who is responsible for any impact that I may have with anything! Only Christ through me. When I keep that in view, all of my fears fade. They don't disappear, but they fade to the point where I can see clearly that they aren't actually as powerful as I think. 

 

Really, that's the key to freedom that the devil wants us to forget, especially when he can see that we're about to step out in faith and do something for God's glory. He wants us to think that we're failures, or that it's impossible, or that we are incapable, or look foolish. The truth is, we ARE incapable, and it IS impossible... on our own. But when you rely on God and not yourself, trusting Him to use you and speak through you in any way He desires... suddenly, impossible things become possible. Miracles become normal in and around you. And you get the honor of displaying to the world, even just by your life and story, that God loves using incapable people for amazing things.

I don't know who else out there is struggling with feelings of doubt, or fear. I don't know who else feels like an imposter in their every day life, and who sometimes thinks about just giving up all together because they don't think they're fit for the task. I don't know who else is even reading this, let alone if anyone needs to hear this... but what I do know is that God turns shepherds into Kings (David). He turns scared girls into Queens who save an entire race (Esther). He turns fishermen into church-planters (Peter). He turns farm boys into pastors of thousands (Billy Graham). And He can turn you and me into something greater than we could ever imagine. 

If you're feeling incapable today, I encourage you to remember that it is not up to you whether or not you make an impact on others. Just come to Jesus with all of your worries, and feelings, and fears; seek Him in everything you do; and trust Him with the rest. He delights in using incapable people for incredible things. 

What's With the Ring?

I've had many people over the years ask me what the silver ring on my left ring finger is about. I've been wearing it every day since I was about 14, and as I've gotten older, many have mistook it for an engagement ring, or some sort of promise ring. I realize that I've never really explained before what it's about or why I wear it, so I thought I would make a post to answer any questions anyone may have about it. 

 

First off, let me start with a backstory. I grew up in a Christian household. I've believed in God my entire life, and was raised in the church. However, I didn't truly get to know the God I believed in until I was almost 14. I was going through a very lonely time in my life, and decided to turn to Jesus to see if it would help satisfy my longing for companionship. 

I began to get in the Word every day, talk with God as though He were my best friend (telling Him everything and coming to Him anywhere), cleaning out all of the entertainment and things in my life that were not glorifying to Him, really listening in church, looking for God-honoring friends and role models, and started trying to use every gift, interest, and breath I had to give God glory. It wasn't an instant fix, but the beginning of a beautiful and fulfilling journey. 

 My dream since I can remember has been to get married by 21, have a bunch of kids, live out somewhere with lots of land, and just be a big, musical, Jesus-loving, homeschool family. Sounds cheesy, I know, but that's the life that I've wanted for years, and I especially looked forward to it at 14. When I was looking for new role models who glorified God with their lives, I found many Jesus-loving women, couples, and families who I noticed were different. I didn't know why, but when I was looking to find out, I discovered that the reason why is because they all pursued purity with their lives. Not just virginity until marriage, but the kind of true purity that we are all called to pursue as Christians, whether or not we are virgins. 

I dug deeper into this idea, and started to see what a difference it makes in one's life when they are pursuing living a life that is pure and holy in God's sight, in public and behind closed doors, and I started trying to live a life like that. However, I still longed deeply for the day when I would be married or engaged, and I wanted something as a reminder that I could live a life to the full even as an unmarried teenager, and something to remind me that I am not alone, and to help me take my mind off of how deeply I wanted to be with someone one day. 

I found out that there was such a thing called "purity rings" that some Christian girls would wear until they were married and no longer virgins. While I liked the idea of waiting until marriage, and of having a special ring to wear to remind you of your commitment to do so, I also had issues with the stereotype of it all. I saw many put so much pressure on simply waiting, that they failed to get to the depths of what true purity is (which is SO much more than just being a virgin), and many didn't touch on the fact that we are called to pursue purity even after we are married. I wanted to pursue purity with my life, and I also wanted to wait until marriage. I didn't want to do one without the other, and I didn't want to spread one message but not the other by my decision to wear a purity ring. 

I thought and prayed about it a lot, and then decided to go through with it and purchase a ring, to serve as the reminders that I needed that I am not alone, and that I am committed to God first and foremost even if I never do get married. However, the ring that I purchased is a promise ring by title, not a traditional "true love waits" purity ring. I don't have anything wrong with those rings, but again, I just wanted to remember that my decisions to pursue purity with my life, and to wait until marriage, are rooted in my commitment to God, and nothing else. I want to respect and honor my future husband because I know he is God's child, and I respect and honor my King first. I want my future husband to be the only man I give myself to, out of respect for him, but ultimately out of respect for God! Because I know that that is how He designed it to be in the beginning. Does that mean that I see myself as "holier than thou", or that I judge others who have not made that decision? No. That ruins the point. It means that I wear this ring as a reminder that I am just as dirty and sinful as anyone else, without the precious blood of Christ washing me white as snow. I wear this ring as a reminder that He is with me wherever I go, and that I can experience the depth of His love even without a man's. I wear this ring as a reminder that I am married to Jesus above all else, and that I will follow Him for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, for better or for worse, for as long as I live. 

This ring is my reminder that, even though I am unmarried, I still have a commitment to Jesus, and that will not change even once I am married. When I am married, this ring will be replaced, but my mission remains the same. I am called to honor God with my thoughts, work, actions, words, gifts, body, and everything else, and that will never change. 

So there you have it! That's what my ring is all about. It sounds kinda silly, I know, but it's a precious reminder to me of my commitment to the One I owe everything to, and I love wearing it. Though I eagerly await the day when I will be wearing an engagement ring with a wedding band, I cherish these days when the only One I'm committed to for forever is the One Who loves me more than anyone else, and knew me from the beginning of time. It is only with His help that I will one day be able to commit forever to another flawed human like myself, and only with His help that I will be able to be washed white time and time again for the rest of my life whenever I mess up, and truly be able to live the life of purity which I am called to. 

Nothing but the blood of Jesus can make us pure. No matter what we've done, or how many times we make mistakes, He is always willing to take us back with open arms if we are willing to turn from our distractions and return to Him. Only He knows what is best for us, and only with Him will we find the deep satisfaction and companionship that we desire. I hope and pray that everyone reading this today, whether they agree with all I said or not, will come to know the deep, incredible, rich love and grace of Jesus. 

There truly isn't anything else like it.

Legacy Leaving

 Lately, I've been reading in the Chronicles and in the Kings as part of my Bible reading. I must confess that I don't normally read in those books, simply because I quite frankly have trouble finding books like that interesting, since pretty much all they're doing is going through the lives and legacies of the royal families and rulers of Israel and Judah. I only read these books when I'm reading all the way through the Bible (usually once every few years or so), and typically have to sort of force myself to push through them before getting to the "good stuff" that lies beyond. Well, as I've been forcing myself to read through them this time, the Holy Spirit laid something on my heart that I felt laid to share in this post.

As I was reading chapter after chapter about each person's story, reading details about their lives and characters, it suddenly hit me... all of these people were people just like me. 

I know that sounds obvious, but the thought just hit me like a rock because I realized that, some day, people will be reading MY life and legacy in some way or another. We may not all have scribes to write down details about our lives and characters for a book to go down to thousands of generations of people all over the world, but all of us have a life story that will one day be read by others in its full. Some day, someone will read our journals, see the notes on our phones, stalk back on our social media posts, go through old photos, and tell others about us as they saw us. Does that thought make any of you uncomfortable? Because it sure makes me uncomfortable sometimes! But as I thought about this more, I asked myself why that thought made me feel that way, and I realized the reason why is because I was ashamed of the legacy I was leaving behind. 

And I'm not talking just wishing that I could burn some old journals from middle school so that nobody would ever have to read all about 13-year-old Jaléna's crushes and interests (though I often ask myself why on earth I ever wrote down the things that I did at 13, or even thought them in general!), I'm talking about the legacy that I'm living right now. 

I thought about how someone would describe me one day, and about how my story was looking like it would stay if I didn't turn back to the Lord... and it looks a little something like this: "Jaléna gave her life to Christ at 15, and did what was right in the eyes of the Lord, serving Him with all her heart. But then she was faced with difficulty, and she turned away from Him; ignoring His voice, ignoring the opportunities of greatness that were in front of her, and allowing the anxiety and trauma to rule her life for the remainder of her days." 

Ouch. Not a story I ever want to be associated with my life. 

Once I realized this painful reality, I began to realize that I needed to let God take over writing my story, and let Him change the direction I was heading. 

I want my story to look more like this: "Jaléna gave her life to Christ at 15, and did what was right in the eyes of the Lord, serving Him with all of her heart for the rest of her days. She was faced with many trials and much pain, but she never let it overtake her. She dealt with great fear, but she never let it rule over her. She knew Who was King over her life, and she fought with the full armor of God until her last breath. She used every opportunity God gave her, and lived her life on a mission to share the love of Christ, and to show the world a Christian who was different from the others, making everyone feel like somebody, and walking in humility and wisdom". 

I must confess, I feel a little awkward typing that last paragraph as if it is true, because I simply don't see any of that in myself. But that is the life I want to live, and that is the legacy I want to leave. I don't want others to praise me, but I want others to see Christ in and through me, and say about me that I only ever pointed up to Him in absolutely every area of my life. 

Do I live like that now? I honestly don't know. I don't see it in myself, but that is the legacy I want to leave. Even if I don't see it ever this side of Heaven, thinking about the legacy I want to leave fills me with a great passion and desire to fight for it even when I feel too weak. In our weakness, He is strong. And that is what I want my legacy to look like. That is what I want others to say about me long after I am gone, that I was weak but all who knew me could tell that Christ was strong through me. 

That is the legacy I pray we all would leave. And the legacy that we have the chance to live right here and now, no matter what direction our stories currently look like they're heading. 

Let's go show the world something powerfully different. Let's go show them Jesus. 

My Picture-Perfect Life

There's this image in my head of a picture-perfect life. A life free from the struggles we face, and always filled with light. I have this image in my head of a life where nothing ever goes wrong. Everyone I love is always healthy and safe, I'm healthy and safe, and everyone belongs.

I long for a life where our bodies and minds are always functioning perfectly. There aren't ever any sleepless nights or rough days, and we never have to fear emergencies. I dream of a life where I'm married to the man of my prayers with an easy sort of story. Where we have children of our own who are always living for God's glory. 

I wish we didn't have to miss the people that we've lost. I wish there weren't such a thing as human judgement, and that we didn't have to worry about needs unmet, or a cost... I wish we never had to be lonely, and that mental illness wasn't so strong. I wish we had a cure for cancer, and a quick-fix for every wrong. 

I wish people never fell away from God, or that others didn't take their lives. I wish there weren't homeless people out there, and that I could help every person through every fight. I wish the battles that we face would all instantly be won...

 I guess the life I'm wishing for is the one that's still to come.

You see, I spend a lot of time wondering why we're all stuck here. Heaven seems more and more desirable when we're faced with the things we fear. In the last two years alone, I've been faced with every one of my biggest fears. I've lost almost everything I've clung to, and yet somehow... I'm still here. 

And yet I often wonder why, and wish we could all just find some rest. It's been such a never-ending fight, I find myself unable to enjoy each day's best. I've sort of trained my mind to live in a state of doubt and fear. When I focus on what's going wrong, what's right all disappears. 

Each day brings troubles of their own, some small and others not. But the good can far outweigh the bad, and that's a truth that I forgot. You see, that picture-perfect life I've dreamed of all this time... There have been glimpses of it out there that I didn't see by focusing on the "why?". I had 16 years of pure bliss before my struggles came. Sure, there were times of hardships, but I chose to never cast the blame on the One Who made the good times, the same One Who walks us through the bad. My focus was on thankfulness, and truly, that's the secret to being glad. 

I seem to have forgotten that God's still upon the throne. That picture-perfect life could never truly help me grow. I look back and upon the troubled times, and I long for them to end... but through it all, I still have hope that good things lie around the bend. 

We're never promised perfect, but what we've got is pretty good. And yes, that statement still remains when what we've got doesn't look how we think it should. Just look around at all you have, and thank God for today. Though things are tainted in this life, it's all paving the way to our final destination, where we'll finally be free. But here and now, there's good to be found, and I pray that you would see.

My picture-perfect life will never come to pass down here... But I'm learning to take heart; 'cause He wipes away my tears. And none of them are wasted, they're all watering the ground where a beautiful garden is springing up. There's still life here to be found. 

  

What's Next?

It's been awhile since I've been very active on this blog! 

As many of you know, I started blogging weekly when I was 15 (the end of 2017). This blog's mission, since the beginning, has been to share parts of my life experiences with you all, in hopes of encouraging someone who can relate, and helping them find a hope and peace in the middle of all of life's chaos and storms. That's why the name "Steady Earthquake" has titled this ministry since the start. My original passion and hope was for others to realize, through my sharing my own journey through this earthquake of life, that there IS a way to remain steady- to remain hopeful and at peace- in the middle of it all.

My last weekly post on this blog went up on May 17th, 2019. It was a post I had made about overcoming fear, and it was scheduled to go up on the day of my Junior recital. Apart from my knowledge, that typical day ended up turning into one of the most major dates of my life, and I ended that day needing the very words that I had typed earlier that week and posted on this blog earlier that day. Many of you know this, but my dad had a rare stroke that same day, while I was getting ready to sing and dance at that recital. My phone was on airplane mode, so that I could leave it on backstage without it messing with the mics or distracting me with texts and calls, so I had absolutely no idea until the recital was over; but the moment I heard the news is a moment forever marked in my memory, and one that began a journey through deep anxiety and PTSD that I have only just started finding healing from this year. 

Everything was a blur. ICU waiting rooms, graduation for the class of 2019 (of which my sweet boyfriend is a part of), performances which ended up being my last ones (due to COVID canceling my final Senior year shows), my dad's brain surgery, rehab, friends and family dropping off meals, and an entire summer of recovery and change for us all. Life as I'd known it had disappeared, and, little did I know, it was only the beginning. My shield of faith took some holes that day, which grew larger over the course of that summer and fall, and I felt as though I was an impostor in the ministry because of it. I felt like I couldn't pray the real prayers anymore, because I was doubting that God would answer them; I had this chronic fear that I couldn't shake that something traumatic was about to happen any second; I didn't know who God truly is, and what He wants for His children, anymore; and then the enemy started whispering lies in my head about how hypocritical, unqualified, and inadequate I was sharing things about some good God Who has our best in mind and loves us deeply through it all, when I was having trouble believing it myself. I would smile, but behind that smile the voice was pulsing through my mind saying, "who do you think you are? They can tell that you're fake. Nobody's going to be encouraged by you". I couldn't even look at my eyes in the mirror without the voice telling me, "just what do you think you're doing with your life? You don't belong where you are". 

I started my Senior year that fall with this battle raging in my mind and spirit every moment. As mentioned in my most recent post, I started dealing with a chronic digestive condition, so much tension in my neck and spine, and even a bit of a breathing issue that all came forth from the crippling grip of stress, fear, guilt, and shame that I was captured by every day of my life. I kept up weekly poems of encouragement on my other blog, and I would still share things here and there as part of the ministry that I've had on my personal social media accounts since I was 15, but even though I never fully left the ministry, my spirit wasn't into it. I was running from what I knew God was calling me to do (ministry) because I felt like I wasn't "good enough" to do it anymore. 

As I kept on running in fear, the battle got worse and worse. I wasn't listening to God's call, and it took the world shutting down due to a pandemic, and all of my plans for Senior year and post-grad life getting changed or canceled, before I finally decided to take a rest from the race and pay attention to what He was trying to tell me. At the end of July in 2020, I decided I wanted to listen to Him again, and seek His guidance for the next chapter in my life. I spontaneously decided to take a month-long break from my social media (other than my page for my other blog that I post on a few times a week), and just devote all of my time to praying and listening to Him. People I graduated with were starting college or careers, people I knew were going back to school, or getting married, or having kids, or moving... I had no college plans, no career direction, no work plans anymore, pretty much nobody to hang out with since most of the people I hung out with were getting busy with their new seasons of life (and, you know, there's a pandemic happening that makes meeting up a little challenging), I had no shows to focus on anymore, no performance opportunities, and basically... no excuses to get out of spending time with God. 

I fully expected to log off of my social media and not really ever return. I wanted to escape from the ministry full-force for a month to sort of prove to myself that God wasn't REALLY calling me to it. I figured that I would get into the habit of not being online, and of not sharing my stories and voice with others anymore, and then I would just be able to escape from it all entirely when I returned in September. Though I still planned on staying online to some extent, just to catch up with friends and family, I thought I'd be able to "get away" from the ministry part of it, so to speak. I even started writing a post on my other blog about "retiring the blog" that I was going to share sometime after I made my return. However, much as I wanted to, when I went to type those words in that post... there was like there was this force stopping me. It felt almost as if my fingers physically could not move to type those words, and I ended up just deleting that draft instead. That moment caught my attention, though, and I began praying about what God wanted me to do regarding my ministry. 

In time, He revealed to me the root of why I wasn't all that excited about the thought of returning to ministry, and He began to heal my heart from wounds I didn't even realize were there. I asked Him to reveal to me what had been keeping me from answering His call this long, and poured myself into studying His Word and spending time with Him, and He showed me the lies I had been believing about myself, the pressure I was putting on myself to do it all on my own when He was saying that it wasn't up to me or anyone else to determine my success in the first place, and the Truth He wanted me to focus on. I realized that I couldn't just walk away from this, and asked Him to help me learn to rely on Him again, and to give me the words He wanted me to share with those He would bring to listen. 

What was "supposed" to be a time away for me to prove to myself that God wasn't really calling me to ministry, and to figure out where I was actually supposed to go, ended up becoming a time where I realized that, though I had been searching for what I was "supposed" to do with my life all while leading up to graduation, I honestly had it more figured out at 15 than I do at 18. My life may be pretty uninteresting to others, and my platform may not be all that big, but as I was so wonderfully reminded not too long ago, "Heaven rejoices even over just one soul". If any of you reading this can become that "one soul" through my average, every day life experiences, then I'd count this ministry as a success. 

So "what's next"? It's a question many have been asking me since my Junior year of high school, and finding out the answer is the reason many of you clicked on this post. I tend to leave that question unanswered unless directly confronted with it, largely because of my fear of what others will think by my response. But you'll hear it here first: what's next is that I'm back in the ministry, and I'm back to encouraging others, and sharing my voice with anyone who wants to listen. 

What am I doing about college and career? I have no idea. How is that going to make a living for me? Good question. Where will I be in the next five years? Check back with me in 2025. But one thing I do know for sure, I'm meant to be right where I am, and I'm done being afraid of what comes next.

 

For anyone reading who may be having trouble discerning God's will for their life, who may be exhausted trying to figure it out with no known answer in sight, or who may be feeling anxious, ashamed, traumatized, or all of the above... I just want to remind you that God's plans for us are good. They are to give us HOPE and a FUTURE. You can rest in the knowledge that God is good, and that what He has for you is good. He isn't a cruel God Who is going to snatch every glimmer of hope from you, and leave you with a broken heart and a tragic story. He WANTS to give you hope, and He wants for you to experience it new every morning. He also wants to give you a FUTURE. He doesn't want you dwelling in your past, afraid that your tomorrow is going to look like today. He wants you to leave the past behind, and just take another step wherever He leads you. He wants you to rejoice as you ring in the new, every single dawn.

Always remember that it is by His grace that you are where you are and who you are. You don't have to be ashamed when you look in the mirror, and you don't have to feel guilty about being a hypocrite or unworthy. The truth is, we ARE! But God's grace is amazing. You can "boast in your weaknesses" because it is by God using you in spite of those weaknesses that His power is made perfect. It's by HIS grace and might that you are worthy, and that you have made it where you are. He is responsible for every victory you have ever had, and ever will have. By Him, you don't have to live in shame. He takes all of that away! "It is not I, but Christ Who is in me".

 

His grace is why I am able to make this comeback, after so long of hiding and running. His grace is why I am able to be victorious after so long of being defeated time after time. His grace is something to celebrate, and I want to boast about it again. I'm saved by His true grace and love. It's amazing, and I pray this new fire I have because of it will never end.

The Senior Year That Carried On...

Our word changed with just a single headline. 

For 12+ years the highschool seniors of 2020 had been working for the moment when it would finally be "our year". And I know that many of you 2021 seniors can relate to this as well. Many of us spent years watching older siblings, cousins, role models, and friends graduate and longed for the day when it would be us up there. Personally, I recall in middle school talking with my best friend at the time all about the seniors we looked up to, planning how to make them feel special as they entered into the adult world, and spending HOURS dreaming of what could happen when it was finally "our year".

2020 was "our year". That was going to be the year it would finally be our turn. That was the year we'd finally get to make an impact on the places and people we would be leaving behind in highschool, be a grown up, experience life through the position of those we so looked up to when we were young, start the rest of our adult lives, and of course... walk that stage. The very thing my little heart would race with excitement and burn with longing every time I watched the "big kids" do it.

I worked for senior year. I prayed for senior year. I longed for senior year. I planned for senior year. I know it sounds so silly, but that year meant so much to me. During my 8th grade year, my friend (the one mentioned above) and I came up with an idea to write letters to some seniors we looked up to. The next year, I decided to personally continue that and write every senior in my "highschool" (I was homeschooled) a personalized letter, which later became a yearly tradition and then an online ministry. I've told some stories about it before, but that simple deed done for the seniors led to unique connections with them, and I saw many miraculous heart changes (including mine!) through it. Again, I know it sounds silly, but seniors have been my mission field since I was 13. So the moment when I would become one myself, and would write those final letters and get to walk that stage... My little mind could barely fathom it.

I spent year after year so invested in the seniors that when the fall of 2019 came and I finally was one myself... It didn't feel real. I took the senior photos, I had my last first day, we ordered my cap and gown, I attended all the meetings, I had my final Christmas production and started work on my final spring one, I began my last year of dance classes, I started working out all the post-grad plans, I started planning the grad party... But none of it felt real to me. It was like I had been so focused on everyone else going through their senior year that when it finally came to my own... I just didn't know how to process.

Well, second semester came. I turned 18, started getting SUPER excited about the dates that were all coming closer than I could believe...

And then came the headlines.

You all know what I'm talking about.

Instead of the bittersweet, eagerly anticipated "lasts" we were all expecting to come in second semester, we got about two months of "normal" before we were abruptly locked in our houses and faced with the grief of never getting to walk our halls again, talk to our teachers again, see some of our friends again, and of not having known that our last day before quarantine- a random day at the beginning of March- would end up being our last day at school ever, the day that we expected to have in May.

It was hard. It hurt BAD. Personally, I felt like a crazy person because for the first few weeks I would go from being angry, to weeping out of grief and hurt, to being numb, and then to being okay again all in the span of like 10 minutes. I can very easily say that in all of the talks, dreaming, and planning I did throughout my middle and highschool years, I NEVER would've thought of or wanted my senior year to go like it did. Nobody would've planned or wanted this, and that's what makes things like this so hard to take. 

It stinks. It just straight-up stinks. For everyone in every situation. 

We each have our own unique yet equally difficult story from 2020. This is my story, and my hope is that by sharing it, somebody else out there will be able to find hope in their own. The year that was "supposed" to be "my" year turned out absolutely nothing like I ever would've wanted or planned. I had already had a Junior year that ended up being the hardest year of my life, and quite frankly I barely remember any of 2019 because of it. I was facing grief from losing my grandma, PTSD from almost losing my dad only 5 months later, and a bunch of PTSD, stress, worry, and fear from a situation regarding someone else in my family walking through a really dark time. Because of all the chronic stress and worry, I literally started making myself sick against my knowledge. My stomach started having all of these issues, making it hard for me to eat anything without it leaving me in some form of pain or discomfort; my spine, neck, and shoulders were always in pain because of the tension I was carrying every day; sometimes it would be hard to breathe because I was constantly tense and stressed; dancing was getting difficult because of all of the physical pain; and all of that, in turn, made me even more worried, thus making it all even worse. I constantly had this cloud of worry in the back of my mind that something bad was going to happen, after all the bad that I had witnessed had happened over the past year. After awhile, the anxiety and physical difficulties got so bad that I actually considered quitting performing, something I have been doing for about 17 years and have loved since the very start. The cloud of worry was causing me to be unable to be present and give my best to every rehearsal and performance, and really to even just enjoy my life from day to day. I barely remember many of the performances I did, or experiences I had, during this time because I was so caught up in the cloud that it was like I wasn't even there. The worry started affecting my voice, too, the thing I knew I was called to use forever for God's glory, and I even considered quitting singing because it was physically starting to give out from the constant tension and stress. I nearly gave up on my faith, shut everyone I love out (including Jesus), and spent every day in a blur just going through the motions. Even my quiet times just felt rehearsed and plain. 

This was my 2019, and it carried into 2020. My life was slipping away but I barely even noticed. Every day just felt like the same thing, and I was desperately seeking a way out. I started praying for God to make this year a year of breakthrough, victory, and joy. I prayed for God to shift my heart and mindset, help me learn how to desire and seek Him again, teach me how to slow down, and for this to be a year of healing and peace. I didn't expect much to become of it, but I would pray those prayers every day while I went about my normal life. I made the plans for post-graduation, entered into adulthood, and continued to go through senior year pretty much the same as junior year... until we got those headlines...

Talk about a wake up call.

For the first three weeks of quarantine, I was not a pleasant person to be around. As previously mentioned, my emotions were EVERYWHERE, and I was NOT happy about how life was looking. My plans for post-graduation all got changed on me. I was out of work. My senior year both pretty much ended out of nowhere and got extended indefinitely at the same time. I was mad that so many people were dying, losing their dreams, losing their jobs, and getting sick. There was just so much happening, and so much that had already happened, and one night during that first week, my boyfriend called me because he could tell from my texts that I was in a dark place. He reminded me of the truths I knew, but I couldn't believe that I was actually having trouble saying I believed them at the time. I was in such a dark place that I didn't know if I even believed anything I knew I did anymore. 

At the end of that conversation, he challenged me to say that I did believe it all, and to never give up on it. He reminded me of all the times in the past that God HAS come through and proved real to me, and how so much of who I am is based in my faith. I couldn't just walk away from that. I knew he was right, and that's why I had been so numb and fearful the past year. I had let a flaming arrow of doubt get in through a hole cast in my shield of faith, and once in, it started burning me away. I started crying and reached my breaking point where I told him I just wanted to believe again so badly. This began a process of healing for me that I never knew I needed. 

I started inviting Jesus back in, and truly listening to what He was trying to say to me. I had absolutely nothing left to lean on except for Him. I literally had no idea what was going to happen next for the first time in my life, and the only thing I could do was talk with my Heavenly Father about it all. For the first time since I was 16, I started telling Him everything. Every disappointment, every fear, every longing, every worry, every doubt, every question... I told Him things I didn't even know I felt or thought, and finally reached a point of connection with Him that I had been praying for and longing for since the middle of my junior year. There's a sort of beauty that comes from pure surrender, and in the moment I reached it, everything began to heal. I would tell Him whenever I was scared, worried, angry, doubtful, stressed, lonely, confused, sad, and just about anything else you can think of. I started praying the hard prayers that He would convict me, show me where I needed to grow, become my longing (since all of my former longings were suddenly proven unable to be fulfilled), and so on and so forth. I started seeing Him answer in powerful ways, and began to find true peace, contentment, and light in the middle of the darkest time I could recall the world going through during my lifetime. 

It wasn't easy, and it certainly isn't even still... But as more and more of my plans and dreams began to be crushed before my eyes, I experienced something I had been deeply longing for more than anything for so long. As I wept with the world, and grieved my own loses along with it, I experienced the reality of Jesus truly caring and weeping with all of us as well, and that brought me more comfort than anything else could possibly have. 

My senior year went nothing like I dreamed. It wasn't anything I planned, and I certainly hope nobody else ever has to go through anything like 2020's plot-twists again... But though unexpected, unknown, and unwanted, God used this time to answer my prayers. If it weren't for the plot twists thrown in "my" year, I wouldn't have even felt like I was living throughout the whole thing- just like in 2019. I may have given up singing, dancing, acting, performing, writing, ministering, and reaching out to others (the very things I knew I was called to do) because I was so burnt out and so sick and so unaware that I needed to get to the roots of the old weeds before I could plant new seeds. I was under attack and didn't even realize it... 

...But God.

Two words that have begun to light up my face all the way to my eyes again. The world was dark and broken... but God still broke through. Nobody knew what was coming... but God knew what to do. 

It may sound crazy, but I am now so thankful for this unexpected and unwanted end to my childhood. And to elaborate a little more on the sickness struggles I mentioned earlier, I have not found full freedom from that yet. I still am on a road to healing, physically and mentally, and it isn't easy in the least. Physically, I've had to change my diet so many times, try out so many different treatments, and it still seems to pop up from time to time. Mentally, I've talked with SO many people for so long, just trying to heal from this PTSD and learn how to live my life again without worrying, but it still takes hold of me sometimes. Though I am MUCH better, and I praise God daily for it, I still do have my days where my physical and mental struggles seem overbearing, and I can't do much else besides lie down and talk with God. Those days are lessening as time goes on, my voice is returning to its full, I can dance again, my strength is returning, I can eat more things again with no trouble, and I believe with all of my heart that the full freedom that I seek WILL become my reality one day; but the affects of chronic stress on your body are no joke. It took me almost two years to get to where I found myself, and I'm trying to have patience with myself as I take longer than I'd like to get my full strength and light back again. However, that being said, this time of sickness and struggle has taught me so much about how to have compassion, and how to view God and others rightly and give my full heart to Him, and I am learning to thank Him for even the hard days (as much as I don't want to most of the time). Because really, He IS answering my prayers, even though it's taking longer than I'd like and it looks different from what I thought; and I am so thankful that God hears every prayer, sees every tear, and has a plan far greater than we could ever imagine for each and every one of us. 

We may never understand His ways, but they are always for our good. Even in the moments when they don't look how we think they should. He's always reaching out and offering a better plan. It's only up to us whether we will take His hand. Whatever you are facing, and whatever your story may be, I pray that you would carry on through every hour of uncertainty. I promise that He hears you, I promise that He's there. Though at times it may not feel like it, I promise you He cares. So lift your head up, weary friend, and believe that there's a way. Someday this nightmare soon will end, and you'll have something powerful to say. 

Whenever now I wonder if He's there or if He's gone... I hope I always will recall the senior year that carried on.

Announcing... Letters of Light!!

Hey, friends!!
I am SO excited to finally get to tell you all about this new ministry I just launched!
For the past two years, I've been feeling it heavily laid on my heart to reach out to others and encourage them, that they may, in turn, encourage others.
I have witnessed the impact that comes from even just one person being willing to spread kindness with their actions and words, and it has absolutely changed my life. I wanted to start a ministry based on this concept, which I have taken from 1 Thessalonians 5:11, "Therefore, encourage one another and lift each other up just as in fact you are doing".
I'll be focusing more on this new blog/website now, and posts over here will begin to grow fewer; but nevertheless, I believe this is part of what I am meant to do, and I cannot wait to go on this journey with all of you.
If you'd like to check it out, the link to the new site is below!!
Above all, I pray that God may use this ministry to prove to all who follow it that He cares more deeply for them than they know.
I pray I never forget that this is His ministry.
Much love to you all!
-Jaléna Scott

Click for the Letters of Light link