19

 

February 12th, 2021, the day of my 19th birthday. My oh my how things have changed since my last birthday. Putting myself back in the shoes of the 17-year-old girl who was writing down her thoughts and reflections about turning 18, I had absolutely no idea what the year ahead had in store. Last birthday was pre-lockdown. Last birthday, I was still numb and questioning my faith. Last birthday, I was literally stressing and worrying myself sick, causing me to have all sorts of issues in my digestive system and in my adrenals. Last birthday, I was jobless, collegeless, and had no idea where I would be after the graduation that was coming up in just 3 short months. Last birthday, I was nervous at the thought of adulthood! Last birthday, I was still in highschool. Last birthday, I hadn't yet been chosen to give the speech at my class's graduation ceremony, and had only JUST signed up to audition to do it the night before. Last birthday, I wasn't teaching music or working with a ministry. Last birthday, I had hopes of being engaged by this birthday (my boyfriend knows this and we've had many long discussions about our "plan", so don't anybody out there think that this is a passive aggressive hint, haha!). Last birthday, I was physically losing my voice due to stress causing too much tension and pressure on my vocal cords and upper back/shoulders. Last birthday, meeting with Jesus was more of a chore than a thrill for me. Last birthday, I had shorter hair! Though let's be honest, nobody really noticed 😜. Last birthday, I still had walls up around my heart that were keeping me from fully being able to love and experience the joy of being loved, and was only just starting to let them down (for an example for context, I made my boyfriend wait to tell me he loved me for over a year, and had only just told him 11 days before my 18th birthday that I was finally ready to open up my heart and take a major step towards recovering from being numb by letting myself take the risk of outwardly expressing inward feelings). Last birthday, my friends and the people I was around looked a lot different than they do now, let's just say that much! Last birthday, my words had been slowly fading away, and I thought about stopping writing all together. Last birthday, I was so afraid of what other people thought of me that I hadn't yet taken the time to consider what I thought of me, and more importantly what God thinks of me. Last birthday, I was a kid! And now, here I am, my last birthday as a teenager, and my first time entering a birthday as an adult and not a child. There is SO much more that I could write about what all has changed between last birthday and this one, but I'll keep this short and just say that God's been doing a mighty work. I still have so much to learn, and I'm currently on a long and hard road back to the life of freedom from the chains of my shame and of my memories, but unlike last birthday, I have hope that I'll live to see the beautiful view at the end of this journey. I am SO far from perfect, and I never want anyone to get the impression that I am or that I am trying to be. Sometimes I do admittedly put on a fake sort of "perfection" appearance to cover up how messed up and broken I really am, but I am working to throw that cover away and tap into what it is I really feel, and who it is I really am, once more. Just like that 15-year-old girl did who started sharing her writings, as raw and real as they were, simply because she knew that God speaks to others through the power of relatability. I want to go back to that, for as long as I exist on this earth. I fear every day of my life that something traumatic is going to happen, or that I or someone I love will have a medical emergency and die. I fear walking away from the Truth, and what would happen if I were to grow lukewarm in my faith. I fear what 19 is going to bring, after such a long and hard two years of life have never seemed to end... but despite my fears and humanity, I'm learning every day that God can be trusted. I have so many questions for Him, but I'm learning that He's not afraid to hear them, even if some of His people are. I'm learning that He knows what He's doing, and that I don't deserve His love and protection and grace, but that He gives it freely even when I'm on my face sobbing because I feel the weight of my sin. I'm learning He came to take that weight away, and that nothing is too heavy for Him to hold. I'm learning that perfect Love casts out ALL fear, and that my life is not my own, and my blessings can never be earned. I'm learning that, though at times I feel as though my cup is too much for me, God never makes a mistake in giving us exactly what He knows we can handle- with Him. I'm learning how to dance and sing for Him again. I'm learning how to rest in the confidence that, as my grandfather often said, "the good Lord will take care of me", and everyone I love also. I'm learning how to feel again, and how to take time to process what it is I do feel. I may not be perfect, but what I can tell you is that when I look at myself from this year compared to last year... I see growth. It wasn't an easy growth, but the kind of growth that came through many tears, "whys?", and sleepless nights. I see a peace on my face that wasn't there a year ago. I see a hope in my eyes, and a light that's learning that it has an invitation to break free again. I see a creation that has been formed by God, and that is exactly what and where it is meant to be, and I believe with all of my heart that He will complete the work that He has so beautifully begun in this being. I hope 19 teaches me more and more how to be free, and that by this time next year, when I'm facing 20, I can report that, despite the memories and the things that have tried to drag me down, my God lifted me up out of the pit. Somehow, I believe that that will be my story a year from now, and I will do all that I can to fight to make that story a reality, putting my full trust in the only One Who can truly make it so. I'm happy. I'm not perfect, and I'm not always put together, more often than not I'm a mess just like anybody else... but I'm happy. Because my God is amazing, and I look at my short life and see how merciful and kind He has been to a broken mess like me, who could give Him nothing but a stained and torn heart in return. He makes beautiful things out of brokenness, friends. I want 19 to be the year I share that Truth with every breath I breathe. 

How wonderful life is, scars and pain and all. Our God is bigger, and will never, ever fall. 

Cover Your Ears

On Labor Day this year, there was an incident regarding broiling some hot dogs and our smoke detector... Everything was fine, but until we could get the smoke detector to realize that there was no fire, it set off this LOUD alarm that cut through every wall and room of the house. It went off for several minutes, with the patterned "BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!" ringing out each time, until it finally realized that all the smoke was gone and there was nothing to alert us of. However, after the last "BEEP!" faded away, I noticed that my left ear was still ringing along with the pattern of the beeps. I could still hear a faint beeping, even though it wasn't going off physically anymore, simply because I had not covered my ears to protect them from the after effects while the noise was occurring. I assumed that, though it was loud, I was far enough away that I wouldn't need to (I had been in a different room). 

When the ringing carried on for the next few days, I began to wish I had covered my ears when I still had the chance to protect them. 

Now, for those of you who are concerned, don't worry. It faded away eventually. But the whole thing made me realize something that hit me pretty hard... It felt as though the Holy Spirit was convicting me that I needed to "cover my ears" because of something other than an alarm...

I realized that, in the same way the loud beeping had left my ears ringing with the rhythm for the next few days, I had lies ringing through my mind simply because I had not been mindful to "cover my ears" to prevent them. I was allowing my mind to dwell on thoughts like "it's hopeless", "you're not good enough", "God doesn't really care about you", "you're never going to be able to be free", "your prayers aren't being heard", "God can't forgive you for that", "God's punishing you", "doing this sin just this once won't hurt anything", "God can't help you out of this one", and so on and so forth. Instead of using the power of the Holy Spirit to "cover my ears" when I heard the first lie, and to tell those lies the truth found in Scripture, I had let these lies take over my mind, and I was finding it hard to focus on anything else. 

I had wasted so much of my time listening to these lies, and believing them to the point of constantly being in a state of hopelessness, and as I said in my last post, feeling abandoned by and distant from God. I never would've realized it without the Holy Spirit, but I truly was ignoring the Truth simply because I had ALLOWED the voices telling me lies to dwell in my mind. Because I didn't just cover my ears, and rebuke those lies in the name of Jesus, the moment I FIRST recognized them, they multiplied and made a home in me that they know full well they should by no means be doing to a child of God. They saw an opportunity and took it, and it led me to over a year's worth of mental battles that could've all been avoided had I simply covered my ears. 

I write this to encourage those of you who are reading to really take seriously the things that are being put into you, and the thoughts that are floating around your mind. Have you been listening to some lies lately? Do you find yourself thinking things that are opposite of the Truth? Do you allow yourself to listen to, read, or watch things that are helping the lies look more and more like truth? 

Though we will never be able to get rid of the noise of the lies entirely in this life, we have the choice whether or not we're going to let them damage us. We have a choice whether or not we're going to listen to them, and let them stay in us. God promises to always provide a way out of temptation, as well as freedom if we resist the devil, and if we seek His face and the way out. 

It's not too late to fight back the lies with Truth. No matter how long they've been ringing through your mind, and no matter how much damage they've caused, there is hope and freedom if you choose to seek it and cling to it. It's a daily choice that we have to make, and it isn't always easy... but it is SO worth it. 

 I want to close today by taking a few moments to speak some truths over you all that some of you may be in need of hearing. I encourage you to speak these over the lies you face in life, and to constantly cling to them even when you don't believe that they are true. 

For those who believe that you are worthless, I tell you the truth that you are valuable and loved (Psalm 139:14, Isaiah 43:4).

For those who believe that you are trapped forever, I tell you the truth that there is freedom still for you (John 8:36, John 10:10).

For those of you who believe that you are unable to do something, or that your illness or anxiety or anything else will always bring you down to the point where you can't accomplish what you're made to, I tell you the truth that you can do ALL things through Christ's strength (Philippians 4:13).

And for those of you who believe that your circumstance is impossible, and that God can't redeem... I tell you the truth that nothing is impossible for God (Matthew 19:26).

There are thousands of other verses that you can find to speak over whatever lies come your way, and I encourage you all to dive in to God's Word and seek out those verses for your specific battle. And remember that sometimes the devil will try to twist Scripture at you, in order to get you to believe his lies. That's why we need to make a habit to get in the Word as often as we can, so that we know other Scriptures that prove that his twisting is a lie in disguise. 

All Scripture is God-breathed, and it is true to the very depth of it. Our feelings will lie to us, society will lie to us, and even sometimes our friends and family will lie to us, because the devil wants to use any chance he can get to get us to listen to him, so he will try his best to make every one of his lies sound as true as possible. But ultimately, what God says is Truth. He will never lie to us. We just have to choose to believe that, even when the noise is ringing loud all around us. 

Will you choose to listen to the voice of Truth today? I promise you, He will never let you down. 

Meaning In the Mundane

When I was a little girl (and honestly even still!), I would ALWAYS have a countdown going, counting down to the next exciting thing happening. Whether it was a countdown for a family vacation, for Christmas, for a dance recital, or even for my birthday, I was constantly counting down to something exciting, and the countdown is what kept me going through the time of waiting. I've found my motivation in looking forward to the next thing since I was small, and this part of my personality has become incredibly evident throughout the course of 2020. Why? Because, though I did not usually have a physical countdown anymore, when I watched the things I was mentally counting down to start to get rescheduled or canceled one by one, I began to realize that I was no longer waking up every morning with excitement for the day ahead. It took extra work for me to find motivation to even just do my work for each day, and as someone who has been extremely self-motivated for the last 18 years... this came as quite the shock to me. 

I started trying to figure out why I was no longer motivated to do pretty much anything, and after months of soul-searching and talking things through, I found out the connection between my motivation and my natural future-based excitement for life. Without my countdowns, I didn't see much of a reason to do anything anymore. That may sound strange, but I honestly believe that several people out there can relate to that. 

I recently read the classic 'Man's Search For Meaning'. In it, a point is made that all humankind needs a reason to keep going, a meaning for life if you will. Whatever it may be for you, we all need a "mission" in this life, otherwise we feel as though it has no meaning. 

So what happens when we can't seem to find any mission? What happens when there is nothing to count down to in the near future? When we're moving from one season to the next, but we're not quite settled in to our new home yet?

Well, the answer is simple. We either crash and burn, facing every day with hopelessness and complaining... or we begin to search for meaning in the mundane. 

I realized something powerful a few weeks back, when I was thinking about this topic and beginning to type down my thoughts on it all. I realized that, these exciting moments I had spent my entire life counting down to?... They're not even where most of my life is going to be lived in. They go by in an instant, they're often just one day to a week out of my entire life... and then they're over. The future quickly becomes a memory, and then guess where I find myself again?

The mundane, every day moments of life. 

I would go so far as to say probably 80% of life is lived in the day-to-day. Once I realized this reality, I entered a bit of a crisis. "You mean I won't just suddenly be happy and feel like I have meaning once the season/event/day I'm looking forward to happens unless I find out how to be content and live with meaning NOW???" I asked myself. And the truth of it is, yes! You won't just magically become content once your circumstances change. You won't just magically become the woman or man you want to be once you get the job you want, live in the area you've been eyeing, get married (or enter into a relationship), have children, graduate, you name it. Unless you work on it NOW, even though you don't feel like it, it's not going to happen then.

But how do we find meaning in the mundane? What is our purpose in the overwhelming, stressful, routine, day-in, day-out seasons of life? Well, I can't answer that for you. Honestly, I have trouble answering it for myself most days! But I can help encourage you to find your own answers for that by offering a few tips that have been so helpful in my own battle finding purpose and contentment again. 

The first is, do your best to soak in absolutely every moment. Take a breath in and a breath out, and do your best to leave your worries at the feet of Jesus. If you're talking with somebody, be totally present with them. Listen to them. Put your phone away, stop letting the worries about how your life is going to look tomorrow cloud the back of your mind, and just let yourself enjoy every moment of every conversation. If you're taking a walk, or going for a drive, or even just taking a shower or doing work around the house, try not to think about anything besides what's happening around you, or what you're doing in that moment. You only get every second once, so do your best to soak in even the seconds you don't exactly want to stick around. When being present becomes your "mission", you start to realize that often the little things that you overlooked (the jobs you do, the relationships and friendships you have, and so on) have great value. 

The second can be a bit tricky at times, and especially at first... but it is, do your best to find something to be thankful for in every moment. Often times, the reason we're wishing our routine days away is because we're taking them for granted. We're not happy where we are, and we want it to end as soon as possible. When you focus on things to be thankful for, rather than complain about, you start to shift your perspective on your life as a whole, even if you don't realize it right away. When thankfulness is your "mission", you start to see that life truly does have great meaning. 

The last tip I have is something that is extremely difficult for many adults to do, but goes hand-in-hand with tip number two... and it is, be unashamed to be excited about even the little things in life, and try to keep a positive outlook, even if people look down on you for it. Deep down, I believe everyone respects adults (or teenagers!) who still have an enthusiasm about life even after experiencing the ugly parts of it. That childlike joy and light is desired in many, if not all, of us. I know this is so hard to do, especially the older we get and the more it seems the people around us expect us to be negative, super serious, and discouraged. But I challenge you to find something, anything, that ignites your childlike joy (we all have it buried within us), and then work your way up to finding more things until it becomes a habit. Whether it be having a dance party to your favorite songs, and just letting yourself forget all other worries and responsibilities for a few minutes, or just needing to pause and smile while eating your favorite dessert or breakfast, do your best to make it a habit to search for the little things in life that make you feel alive and motivate you. When childlike joy becomes your "mission", you start to see how beautiful and fun life can really be, even in the day-to-day.

Above all, remember that, in Christ, every moment has meaning. And even Jesus lived 33 years on this earth before His ministry began in a formal way, which brought Him many more exciting and eventful days. He knows exactly how you feel. But as long as you are on this earth, every second matters. You have work here to do, and, as a friend so beautifully told me once, the most important things in this life (i.e. faith, relationships with family and friends, etc.) are grown deeper, and experienced most, in these every day moments. Think back on some of your favorite memories from childhood and beyond. Were most of them made in the average, everyday life you live? Every day has meaning in Christ, because every day provides an opportunity to experience and grow the most important things that will last us for eternity. 

The things of this earth don't last forever. Eventually, it will all fade away. If we try to find fulfillment in these things, it won't work. What will last forever is Heaven. We have the chance to help guide souls towards that eternal destination every single day, by loving as Jesus loved, serving as He served, providing wisdom when we're asked, and showing them something different that gives them hope and plants a seed. Even if that day the only soul that was steered closer to Heaven was our own, Heaven throws a celebration for that! That is what's most important in life. Faith, hope, and love. That's what brings us meaning, even in the every day moments of life. That's what we have the chance to experience even in the here and now. And the memories we make living this out will one day be the ones we look back on with a smile on our faces and fondness in our hearts. Not the memories where we spent going through the motions, or focusing on our own worries and stress trying to get it all done. The moments when we loved deeply, served selflessly, worshiped wholeheartedly, and let the joy of the Lord flood our hearts. I pray that we all would find more moments like those in life. Because truly... those moments are what it's all about this side of Heaven. 

What's Next?

It's been awhile since I've been very active on this blog! 

As many of you know, I started blogging weekly when I was 15 (the end of 2017). This blog's mission, since the beginning, has been to share parts of my life experiences with you all, in hopes of encouraging someone who can relate, and helping them find a hope and peace in the middle of all of life's chaos and storms. That's why the name "Steady Earthquake" has titled this ministry since the start. My original passion and hope was for others to realize, through my sharing my own journey through this earthquake of life, that there IS a way to remain steady- to remain hopeful and at peace- in the middle of it all.

My last weekly post on this blog went up on May 17th, 2019. It was a post I had made about overcoming fear, and it was scheduled to go up on the day of my Junior recital. Apart from my knowledge, that typical day ended up turning into one of the most major dates of my life, and I ended that day needing the very words that I had typed earlier that week and posted on this blog earlier that day. Many of you know this, but my dad had a rare stroke that same day, while I was getting ready to sing and dance at that recital. My phone was on airplane mode, so that I could leave it on backstage without it messing with the mics or distracting me with texts and calls, so I had absolutely no idea until the recital was over; but the moment I heard the news is a moment forever marked in my memory, and one that began a journey through deep anxiety and PTSD that I have only just started finding healing from this year. 

Everything was a blur. ICU waiting rooms, graduation for the class of 2019 (of which my sweet boyfriend is a part of), performances which ended up being my last ones (due to COVID canceling my final Senior year shows), my dad's brain surgery, rehab, friends and family dropping off meals, and an entire summer of recovery and change for us all. Life as I'd known it had disappeared, and, little did I know, it was only the beginning. My shield of faith took some holes that day, which grew larger over the course of that summer and fall, and I felt as though I was an impostor in the ministry because of it. I felt like I couldn't pray the real prayers anymore, because I was doubting that God would answer them; I had this chronic fear that I couldn't shake that something traumatic was about to happen any second; I didn't know who God truly is, and what He wants for His children, anymore; and then the enemy started whispering lies in my head about how hypocritical, unqualified, and inadequate I was sharing things about some good God Who has our best in mind and loves us deeply through it all, when I was having trouble believing it myself. I would smile, but behind that smile the voice was pulsing through my mind saying, "who do you think you are? They can tell that you're fake. Nobody's going to be encouraged by you". I couldn't even look at my eyes in the mirror without the voice telling me, "just what do you think you're doing with your life? You don't belong where you are". 

I started my Senior year that fall with this battle raging in my mind and spirit every moment. As mentioned in my most recent post, I started dealing with a chronic digestive condition, so much tension in my neck and spine, and even a bit of a breathing issue that all came forth from the crippling grip of stress, fear, guilt, and shame that I was captured by every day of my life. I kept up weekly poems of encouragement on my other blog, and I would still share things here and there as part of the ministry that I've had on my personal social media accounts since I was 15, but even though I never fully left the ministry, my spirit wasn't into it. I was running from what I knew God was calling me to do (ministry) because I felt like I wasn't "good enough" to do it anymore. 

As I kept on running in fear, the battle got worse and worse. I wasn't listening to God's call, and it took the world shutting down due to a pandemic, and all of my plans for Senior year and post-grad life getting changed or canceled, before I finally decided to take a rest from the race and pay attention to what He was trying to tell me. At the end of July in 2020, I decided I wanted to listen to Him again, and seek His guidance for the next chapter in my life. I spontaneously decided to take a month-long break from my social media (other than my page for my other blog that I post on a few times a week), and just devote all of my time to praying and listening to Him. People I graduated with were starting college or careers, people I knew were going back to school, or getting married, or having kids, or moving... I had no college plans, no career direction, no work plans anymore, pretty much nobody to hang out with since most of the people I hung out with were getting busy with their new seasons of life (and, you know, there's a pandemic happening that makes meeting up a little challenging), I had no shows to focus on anymore, no performance opportunities, and basically... no excuses to get out of spending time with God. 

I fully expected to log off of my social media and not really ever return. I wanted to escape from the ministry full-force for a month to sort of prove to myself that God wasn't REALLY calling me to it. I figured that I would get into the habit of not being online, and of not sharing my stories and voice with others anymore, and then I would just be able to escape from it all entirely when I returned in September. Though I still planned on staying online to some extent, just to catch up with friends and family, I thought I'd be able to "get away" from the ministry part of it, so to speak. I even started writing a post on my other blog about "retiring the blog" that I was going to share sometime after I made my return. However, much as I wanted to, when I went to type those words in that post... there was like there was this force stopping me. It felt almost as if my fingers physically could not move to type those words, and I ended up just deleting that draft instead. That moment caught my attention, though, and I began praying about what God wanted me to do regarding my ministry. 

In time, He revealed to me the root of why I wasn't all that excited about the thought of returning to ministry, and He began to heal my heart from wounds I didn't even realize were there. I asked Him to reveal to me what had been keeping me from answering His call this long, and poured myself into studying His Word and spending time with Him, and He showed me the lies I had been believing about myself, the pressure I was putting on myself to do it all on my own when He was saying that it wasn't up to me or anyone else to determine my success in the first place, and the Truth He wanted me to focus on. I realized that I couldn't just walk away from this, and asked Him to help me learn to rely on Him again, and to give me the words He wanted me to share with those He would bring to listen. 

What was "supposed" to be a time away for me to prove to myself that God wasn't really calling me to ministry, and to figure out where I was actually supposed to go, ended up becoming a time where I realized that, though I had been searching for what I was "supposed" to do with my life all while leading up to graduation, I honestly had it more figured out at 15 than I do at 18. My life may be pretty uninteresting to others, and my platform may not be all that big, but as I was so wonderfully reminded not too long ago, "Heaven rejoices even over just one soul". If any of you reading this can become that "one soul" through my average, every day life experiences, then I'd count this ministry as a success. 

So "what's next"? It's a question many have been asking me since my Junior year of high school, and finding out the answer is the reason many of you clicked on this post. I tend to leave that question unanswered unless directly confronted with it, largely because of my fear of what others will think by my response. But you'll hear it here first: what's next is that I'm back in the ministry, and I'm back to encouraging others, and sharing my voice with anyone who wants to listen. 

What am I doing about college and career? I have no idea. How is that going to make a living for me? Good question. Where will I be in the next five years? Check back with me in 2025. But one thing I do know for sure, I'm meant to be right where I am, and I'm done being afraid of what comes next.

 

For anyone reading who may be having trouble discerning God's will for their life, who may be exhausted trying to figure it out with no known answer in sight, or who may be feeling anxious, ashamed, traumatized, or all of the above... I just want to remind you that God's plans for us are good. They are to give us HOPE and a FUTURE. You can rest in the knowledge that God is good, and that what He has for you is good. He isn't a cruel God Who is going to snatch every glimmer of hope from you, and leave you with a broken heart and a tragic story. He WANTS to give you hope, and He wants for you to experience it new every morning. He also wants to give you a FUTURE. He doesn't want you dwelling in your past, afraid that your tomorrow is going to look like today. He wants you to leave the past behind, and just take another step wherever He leads you. He wants you to rejoice as you ring in the new, every single dawn.

Always remember that it is by His grace that you are where you are and who you are. You don't have to be ashamed when you look in the mirror, and you don't have to feel guilty about being a hypocrite or unworthy. The truth is, we ARE! But God's grace is amazing. You can "boast in your weaknesses" because it is by God using you in spite of those weaknesses that His power is made perfect. It's by HIS grace and might that you are worthy, and that you have made it where you are. He is responsible for every victory you have ever had, and ever will have. By Him, you don't have to live in shame. He takes all of that away! "It is not I, but Christ Who is in me".

 

His grace is why I am able to make this comeback, after so long of hiding and running. His grace is why I am able to be victorious after so long of being defeated time after time. His grace is something to celebrate, and I want to boast about it again. I'm saved by His true grace and love. It's amazing, and I pray this new fire I have because of it will never end.

Far Above

The other day I was reading in Ephesians when I came across a verse that really stood out to me.

"Far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come." -Ephesians 1:21

This verse is talking about Christ and the position God raised Him to after He raised Him from the dead. It hit me when I read it because I thought about the reality of that statement.
Jesus is not only far above all rule and authority this side of Heaven... But He's also seated at the right hand of His Father, far above all rule and authority even in Heaven.

If I find it hard to fathom even just the work of the angels and all things in the spiritual realm, I can't even begin to imagine how powerful my King must be to be far above all of that.

And yet so often I find myself trying to make Him level with me.
Me- an immensely sinful creature who is no bigger than an ant in comparison to God's greatness.
I try to level the One Who breathed life into being... with me.

The thought honestly made me start crying when I realized the reality of it.
There are mornings where I know I have to get up early in order to spend time with God at all before I have to start the day; and I only have a certain amount of time to spend at that.
I set my alarm and plan on spending all of that time with my Creator...
And then it goes off.
I'm tired, the world is cold, my bed is warm and comfortable, and I know I don't actually have to be out of it for another half hour or so, so I go back to sleep.
Then I have to rush through my time spent with God all because I put my comfort above my King.

There are times where I'll ask God for something, and when He gives it to me I just turn around and ask Him for something else instead of taking the time to thank Him for what He just gave me.

There are days where I choose to check my phone first thing in the morning instead of talk with Him.

It's like I just rush through day after day, expecting Him to serve me rather than acknowledging that I should be the one on my knees before Him asking how I may serve Him.

It's a sin I struggle with every day, and something that I'm very glad He's graciously revealing to my heart.
I don't want to live this way anymore.
I want to live each day of my life in complete awe of how high above me He is.
I want to soak in that reality, and rejoice in the fact that a Being THAT powerful still loves something as tiny as me.

And I want to challenge everyone reading this to live each day with that thought present as well.

Because really, I think that thought should dramatically change our lives.

Being Present

Have you ever found yourself reading something in the Bible and then completely forgetting what it is that you just read a minute later?

Be honest here.

Maybe you start out focused and interested, and then as you read on you start to notice your mind slowly wandering to your to-do list, or to thinking about someone or something, or worrying about something in the past or future. 

If I'm being truthful, I'd have to admit that this happens to me just about every day.


It's not that I don't WANT to focus... It just sort of... Happens. 


Can you relate to that?

It doesn't even have to be with your Bible readings; it can be in school, at work, while talking to someone, doing the dishes, folding laundry, singing, dancing, writing, praying, working out, you name it.

Have you ever noticed your mind being one place while your body's another?


If you find you can relate, you're not alone.

One of the things I've been trying to work on in my life lately has been learning to be present wherever I find myself.

So often I can become so focused on my thoughts, worries, or feelings that I become oblivious to all the beauty in the moment I currently find myself in. 

Whether it be while praying, reading the Bible, worshiping, during school, working, or even the little things like doing stuff around the house or being out with friends or family.

I get so distracted by my own thoughts that even though I find myself physically present, I'm not really there.


So what can we do about it?

Something I've been really trying lately is to:

1. Take a breath

2. Cast my worries upon Jesus

and 3. Just choose to stop thinking about anything that doesn't relate to where I am and what I'm doing at that time.

If I'm doing school and find myself thinking about what I'm going to eat for lunch, I just tell myself to focus and think about lunch when lunch comes.

If I find myself working out and worrying about how something I said may have come across to somebody, I choose to focus on the workout and clear things up afterwards.

If I'm doing the dishes and find myself analyzing every detail about my friendship with a guy, I just choose to let the friendship be what it is and worry about how I'd respond to something more when it comes up (should it ever come up).


Life is so beautiful and so much more enjoyable when we're living it outside of ourselves.

God intends for us to live our lives to the FULL.

He wants us to be at PEACE and enjoy all the beauty around us.

I challenge you this week to be present.

Don't let yourself get all up in your head when there's something happening around you right now that you'll never get back once it's gone. 

Be present today.

New Year's Realizations

I spent the first day of 2019 praying through a list of things I had compiled over the last few days of 2018. 

I had been searching for God's guidance on these topics pretty much every day of 2018 (some since 2017 or before) and decided I wanted to start this year off completely devoted to praying and listening, in hopes of finally hearing an answer to them.


The day came and went, but still... I had no more answers than I had before. 

So why would I write a blog post, meant to encourage others, about this?
The thing is that while I didn't exactly get what I was hoping for out of the day, I did come to a realization:

If my faith is based off of what I can get out of God, and when I come to Him I'm always expecting an immediate answer, I'm not treating Him like He is worthy of being treated. 
If I give to Him only because I'm expecting something in return, not only is that far from the amazing kind of relationship He desires with me, but I'm actually worshiping myself.


I realized that the peace I was finding by simply laying these burdens at His feet and being still for once, was enough. 
In fact, it was more than enough. 


I finished the day of prayer, worship, and listening feeling more alive than I've felt in a long time. 
I felt ready to face whatever this new year may throw at me.
I didn't find any answers that day; but I did find the truth that my God is with me always, and that's the only thing I need to know. 


A resolution I now have for this year is to stop worshiping myself, and always expecting God to give me something. 
What He's given me already is more than enough; I just want to dwell in that from now on. 


Happy new year, friends! 
I love you all and I'm praying for you.
Have a wonderful 2019. <3

The Best Gift

You know that feeling you get when you know you've done something wrong?
Whether it be something you said, something you thought, or something you did, there's this nasty feeling of guilt and regret that hovers over you.
You start to feel like everyone can see it (even though there's usually no possible way anyone could know) and the thought of that fills you with even more regret.



I don't know about you all, but I tend to beat myself up for not being perfect.
When I make a mistake, I feel absolutely terrible.
I walk around with these chains of regret, guilt, and shame, and though it's really not that big of a deal a majority of the time, it feels like the end of the world to me.



If you can relate to that at all, this blog post is for you.



I know and have heard of a lot of people who have been wrestling with deep regret lately.
I've also experienced that these past few weeks as I've been asking God to open my eyes to my own sin.
I was praying about my own mistakes the other day, to the point of tears, when I felt a vision placed in my mind.



I was standing before Jesus, Who was sitting on His throne.
He had this HUGE list of everything I have ever done wrong, and when I saw Him looking at it, I broke down crying.
He looked up at me, eyes full of love, and then did the unthinkable:



He ripped up the list.



The pieces burned away, and He stood up and held His arms open wide for me.
"It is finished." He said.
That vision, though just a few minutes of my mind imagining, left me amazed.
It blows my mind to think about... But even those tight chains are broken away at the mention of His name.
Jesus was sent to this earth to die for us so that it could be finished; so that we wouldn't have to live in guilt.



In 'The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe' there's a scene where Edmund (who was basically a betrayer) meets Aslan (who represents Jesus), and they have a discussion.
It is never revealed what was said, but at the end of the conversation Aslan takes Edmund back to the other people he had betrayed, and says to them, "there is no need to speak to him about what is past."



That is probably my favorite line in the entire thing.
We are fully known by God.
He knows every mistake we have ever made and ever will make; and yet... He sent His only Son to die so that there would be no need to speak about what is past.



It is finished.
It is in the past.
Our mistakes are forgiven because of that amazing act of love.



And that's something I know we've all heard over and over again...
But y'all, that thought is beginning to blow my mind.



Remember that this Christmas season.
That baby was sent so that you wouldn't have to be trapped by the chains of your past.
Don't throw that gift away. 

The Day After Thanksgiving...

And just like that, another Thanksgiving has come and gone. 
Today marks the unofficial official start of the Christmas season, and before I start with all the Christmas-themed posts I wanted to take a moment to talk about (you guessed it) being thankful. 



Every year we dedicate a day to thankfulness; sometimes people even spend the entire month of November dedicated to it. 
We spend more time with our family, we post long "thankful" posts, and we often realize just how much we really are thankful for the things in life we normally take for granted.



And then Thanksgiving's over. 
We go about our normal lives once more, and slowly but surely we start to take the things we're thankful for for granted again. 



I'm not bashing anybody at all; I'm very guilty of this myself. 
I tend to take things in my life for granted, only truly being thankful for them at this time of year (if that). 
But I'm realizing that thankfulness is not something to only be expressed one season out of the year. 
Thanksgiving is a lifestyle, not a holiday. 



Now that the parade is over, the leftovers are lessening, and the extended family has gone home until Christmas, I want to challenge myself to make Thanksgiving my lifestyle. 



That schoolwork that has me stressed out? I'm thankful I'm able to get an education, and to get to be homeschooled at that! 


Those times my family and I don't exactly get along? I'm thankful I have four crazy people to love who love me in return, and are there for me no matter what. 


When I don't want to get out of bed in the morning? I'm thankful I'm alive to experience another beautiful day.


And those times I wrestle to go spend time with God?...
My gosh, I'm thankful that I'm able to have a relationship with my Creator.


The list could go on and on, but I don't want it to ever end. 
Thankfulness is a lifestyle; one I'm trying very hard to establish in myself. 



Will you join me? 


Now that you don't HAVE to be thankful... 


what are you thankful for today? 

Escaping the Noise

I've been very uncertain what God is saying to me, and where He wants me to go in life, for the past few weeks. Those of you who are weekly readers of this blog have been following that journey. Well, since I wrote that last post, I've been devoting myself to bettering my relationship with God. I've been asking for direction, for "eyes to see" and "ears to hear". I've been asking that He would please speak to me, and have been really trying to listen to what He could be trying to say. 

I wish I could be a good Christian here, and tell you I've gotten some miraculous sign and now know where I'm going next... But the truth of the matter is that I still haven't heard a thing. I'm still clueless, I'm still trusting blindfolded, I'm still unsure what He's trying to say to me; and as a person of faith, that's a hard thing to openly admit. 

I have an iPhone, and the other day, I got the new iOS update. One of the things that this update includes is a new feature called "screen time". You can set a "down time" where the apps of your choice are off-limits until the time is up, set time limits for whatever you choose, and monitor how much time you've spent on your phone that day. It even gives you a weekly report of how much time you've spent on your phone. 

In the process of hearing nothing from God, other than a sense I needed to trust Him and the word "listen", I decided to check into this feature. I set a "down time" from 9:30 in the evening until 7:00 in the morning. I figured that was enough to get a handle on my screen time, and sort of brushed it aside. 

Then I saw one of my daily reports.

I had spent about 5 in a half hours staring at my phone in one day. Sure, I could argue that it was doing things that are "productive" but the truth stands that that's a long time. Of the roughly 16 hours I'm awake every day, almost 6 of those were being spent looking at a screen. And when I was away from that phone? I was either looking at my computer screen, or listening to music or a Podcast with my phone in lock mode.

Sure, I don't spend ALL day looking at a screen... But if you add it all up... quite a bit of my time is spent behind one. It's hard to avoid, given that we get so much of our work down online these days... but still. No wonder God had been telling me to listen for so long. With all this background noise, it's a miracle I've even been able to hear that much. 

I had thought I was doing my best to listen. I had thought I couldn't pursue Christ any harder... But then, look how much time I've been spending ignoring Him. In a sense, I've been saying, "one more minute." While He's been saying, "Jaléna... I want to talk with you."

How many more minutes? What "work" is more important to me than my King and my Guide?

I tend to be more of a Martha than a Mary. When I go near to God like this, it's so that I can find answers, get words to write, find out my next task. When really, all God wants me to do is sit at His feet and listen. 

This time, I'm not expecting this action to give me answers. But I am expecting it to change my perspective. 

I'm logging off. I'm pulling the plug. I'm limiting my screen time. I'm committing to doing anything it takes to chase after my God. Because if I really do love Him more than anything... I need to turn off my idols NOW.
And maybe God wants you to take that action in your own life too. 

So let's take that action. Not so that we can know what's next... but so that we can worship at the feet of Jesus, where our chaos meets His peace.

Distractions

I have a confession. 

Lately, I've been letting life get to me.

By that I mean, the distractions. The stress. The crazy...

It's all been trying, for quite awhile, to sneak its way into my head, and keep me from taking a breath, and with the start of the new school year, I've been letting it.

I realized the extent of it the other day, about halfway through the afternoon.

You see, every morning I spend about a half hour or so in prayer and Bible reading before I get ready for the day.

It helps me clear my head, relax, focus, re-evaluate my heart, surrender my cares, and get a fresh perspective on life; before anything else can get in the way of that.

Well, the other day, I was going about my day (high-speed I may add), and I just stopped for a second and realized... I had no idea what I had just read that morning.

I read a chapter each day, in whatever book I'm in at the moment, and ask God what He wants me to take away from it that day.

I try to think back on what stood out to me more than once throughout the day, so I don't forget; but this time... Everything was blank.

I couldn't remember the verse, I couldn't remember the chapter, I couldn't remember what the topic of it all even was, much less what I had taken away from it that morning.

I realized that I had allowed myself to get so sucked into the distractions (everything from school and work to my phone), that I was actually pushing my Best Friend away.

Ouch. Conviction.

But I don't think I'm the only one who's ever been hit by that one before.

They say that life only ever gets harder. 

I like to believe that's not true, but even just looking back at my life the first day of freshman year, compared to my life first week of junior year, it's clear to me that there is at least some truth to that statement.

It's hard to learn to balance everything, while keeping your energy up, and giving your all when you're doing each thing, and still making sure to keep God up on the top of that to-do list.

You know, it's funny.

Since that conviction, I've found that whenever I focus on all I need to get done that day, all the pressure, and all the stress, I push God away, and I never get it all done.

However, whenever I choose to just have fun doing whatever it is I'm doing, remember WHY I'm doing what I'm doing in the first place, and pour all of my attention and effort into that one thing at that time, I get everything done, and, as a bonus, never feel a bit of the stress. 

I find it interesting that letting my mind do the very thing that I'm afraid will lead to nothing getting done if I do (relax), actually is the only thing that gets me through the "list", along with (usually) a bunch of other tasks and events I never thought I'd be able to get to all in one day.

1 Thessalonians 5:17 says to, "Pray continually." 

I used to look at that verse and wonder, "How am I supposed to talk to anyone, and get anything done, if I'm constantly talking with God?"

But I've realized that your thoughts can become prayers too.

That is what I lack whenever I let the distractions get to me.

I let them take my thoughts off of my conversation with God, and when I'm not praying my way through my to-do list, nothing can get done. Because I can't do it all. Only He can. I need His strength to even just get through a normal day.

I want to leave today's post with one more story. 

I told God one morning, after the conviction hit, that I, "missed Him." 

I wanted our relationship back, and I missed being in continual conversation with Him. 

After I had said those words, I got this thought that was undeniably God.

It was this thought that God was saying to me, "I never left."

We all have a choice. 

I was the one who left, not God. He was patiently waiting for me to realize my humanity, and turn back to Him. 

We have the choice to either let the distractions consume us, or to pray for strength to do it all, and do it all well- that they may see a glimpse of God through it, and He may be glorified.

Life only ever gets harder.

Good thing we can do ALL things through Him Who strengthens us.

I'm praying for you all this new school year. (Whether you're graduated or not)

Go out and show the world something beautifully different.

Be Still-2

Ever wish you could rip apart your to-do list, and just relax for awhile? As life goes on, it just gets crazier and crazier. Your responsibilities keep piling up higher and higher, until it seems as if you have no free time whatsoever. I made a post about being still a couple weeks ago, and this will be part 2 of who knows how many in that series. Last post's topic was pride. This post's topic is... 

drum roll please...............

Stress.

Stress is one of those feelings that's never really explained to us as a child, we just grow to understand its meaning as we mature. Explaining what stress means is more difficult than it seems. (At least for me but then again I'm not very good with words) Have you ever tried to explain what that feeling is? My explanation is that first sentence in this blog post. 

That feeling when you want to just rip apart your to-do list and relax for awhile.

The Bible tells us to be still and know that God is God.

Ever read that and think something along the lines of, "if only I could be still!"

Or maybe in the back of your mind you read that and think something along the lines of, "I'll be still later, there's just too much I have to get done today."

Personally?... I'm guilty.

Some days I'll wake up thinking about that to-do list. I'll look at the clock when my alarm goes off and think, "I can get a few more minutes of sleep before this crazy day starts..."

Those days, I end up sleeping in. When I wake up the second time, I have no time to "be still", I have to rush into the day. 

That alarm is set at the time it is so that I can get up to an hour of quiet time in before my earthquake of a day begins.

But when I ignore it, when I don't choose to be still for awhile... 

That earthquake is never steadied. 

When I was praying and thinking about what to name my blog, God placed this concept on my heart of how my own mind resembled more of an earthquake than a river.

I'm thinking about so many things all throughout the day, it's complete chaos.

But God brings peace in it.

Life with Him is like a steady earthquake.

That's the message I wanted to share more than anything.

That's the message I want my life to show.

But I can't show it if I'm not taking the time to let Him steady my earthquake.

So how can we be still when there's just so much that needs to get done?

You might be thinking, "I just don't have any time to be still." 

My friend, we need to make the time.

We need to make the effort.

I'm not condemning you if you skip out on quiet times, I do the same thing more often than I wished I did. 

But I'm challenging you all, as well as myself, to make the time this week to just take 15 minutes out of your busy day to switch off the distractions, escape into a quiet place where you can't hear or see anything that will cause your mind to wander, and just be with God. It can be longer than 15 minutes if you'd like, but my challenge is just start with 15 minutes a day for seven days.

Because stress is an earthquake. A violent earthquake. 

But life with Him?.... 

It's a steady one.

Let's be still 

Be Still-1

Last week, I posted about the question, "is it okay to want to look different?". I started a Facebook page for this blog a day after it went up, and shared that post, and then I logged off and went about my usual life... 

Flash forward to the next day

I don't normally check up on the blog more than a couple times a week. I write a draft of Friday's post around Wednesday, proof it Thursday, it goes up Friday, then I leave it alone until the next week when I go to write that week's post. I don't see the stats of the blog until I go to write a new post. 

Well, last week I decided to check up on everything on Sunday, and when I did, I saw something unexpected... 

That blog post exploded.

I don't know what happened, all I can say is all glory to God, but whatever the reasons for why that certain post got so many views, it got me thinking about what this post is going to be about: Pride.

This topic has been on my heart for quite some time, and I decided now would be a good time to write about it.

As a performer, and now writer, I've found that sometimes the numbers and praise can easily get to my head. People will compliment me on my work, or a certain post will get a lot of views or likes and comments, and it's so easy for me to start accepting the glory rather than pass it on to the One it should be handed to.

There's a line in one of my favorite songs called "O God Forgive Us" (the version with KB) by For KING & COUNTRY that says, "we're so busy doing Your work that we forgot that this was for You." 

That line resonated with me the first time I heard it, but I had no idea how hard it would hit me in the months to follow. 

Sometimes I can get into the mindset that I'm always right. I've written about it before, but I'm a bit of a control freak, and I'm also quite a bit of a perfectionist. Maybe not all of you can relate to this from the perspective of someone who's in the spotlight, but I'm pretty sure you can relate to struggling with humility in some way or another.

We've all been there, and if you haven't been yet, brace yourself because it's coming one day. 

The whole reason evil exists in this world is because of pride. Ezekiel 28:12-19 

Pride is the reason our enemy was cast out of Heaven. 

And if we're not careful to catch it and humble ourselves, our pride can do much the same to us.

I don't know about you guys, but I have a hard time humbling myself. A lot of it is simply because most of the time, I just don't know how. I'm (very slowly) learning to submit myself to Christ, and put others above myself, and stop believing that I'm all that. But there's a fine line between being confident and being prideful, just as there is a fine line between humility and thinking poorly of yourself. Those lines require daily effort to not cross over, and often times, we can find that we've in fact stepped over... So how do we find the balance between? How do we humble ourselves in the healthy way God intended us to? 

Psalms 46:10 says, "be still and know I am God." 

I've found that's our answer.

Whenever you just stop what you're doing, and choose to set aside all the distractions of this world and focus on who God is... It's humbling. 

When you put down the phone, step away from all of the praise, and don't do anything but pray and focus on Him for awhile, He reveals to you the condition of your heart. 

If you ask Him to humble you, and you ask Him to open the eyes of your heart, He will.

He always will. 

No matter how many times you have to ask it. 

My friend, don't let the praise and attention make you prideful.

Believe me, it's not worth it.

God invites us to humble ourselves, and be still in His presence. When we choose to do that, fix our eyes on Him, and point up after we take a bow, (whether that be figuratively or literally) it's like a breath of fresh air to our souls. 

Let's step out of our worlds for a moment... 

and breathe.