Preparing for the Promise

How it began...

It started off as good stage chemistry... Apparently REALLY good stage chemistry.

We met through LifeLight Youth Theatre in late 2016, when Andrew was 15 and I was 14; but it took us until June 3rd of 2017 to finally start talking with each other. That first real conversation between us occurred at a cast party at IHOP on the closing night of the show Seussical, where I remember only choosing to sit across from him because he was sitting next to a guy I liked at the time who had told me earlier in the evening that he wanted to talk with me later that night. 

Little did I know while I was trying everything I could to be noticed by the boy to his left that my future husband was the one right in front of my eyes.

 Neither I nor Andrew remember anything we discussed that night, but Andrew remembers thinking after our conversation, “Wouldn't it be funny if anything ever happens between us? Then we could look back on this moment and laugh.”

However, nothing happened. At least not right away. People began to matchmake us together in their minds, even from that young age, but neither Andrew or I ever seriously considered the possibility of entering into a romantic relationship, and were barely friends at that. 

Turn the page to 2018...

 In early 2018, Andrew and my voice teacher decided to pair us together for a song she wanted us to do for the vocal recital that year. All of the practices for that broke the ice, and forced us to talk with one another more. We quickly realized that we enjoyed the other's company. By the time the recital rolled around, we were very comfortable around each other. Over the course of that summer, our friendship developed into a best friendship.

By August of 2018, during rehearsals for the show 'Oklahoma' (where we were playing opposite each other as the two lead love interests), we had both begun to develop a crush on the other; but we wouldn't ever have admitted it. We had both wasted our time focusing on crushes in the past, and had both come to the decision long ago that we weren’t going to date anyone in high school. Because of this, we both prayed about our developing feelings for each other every so often, but were quick to brush them aside and ignore them outside of prayer.

Yet as our friendship continued to develop, and we began to have deeper conversations, Andrew started to realize that his feelings for me were growing, and he wanted to pursue me. In fact, he left our first deep conversation about living for God as a teenager thinking, “wow. That’s the kind of girl I want to marry”.

However, he did not take the decision to pursue me lightly, and spent several months praying about it and seeking wisdom. I, on the other hand, was completely oblivious, and didn’t realize that there could have actually been something between us until early October of 2018, when a mutual friend strongly suggested to me that I should ask him to the spring formal because “he’d say yes to you”.

Once the thought was planted, I, too, began to spend months praying about it. Instead of just praying about it every so often, I began to take it to the Lord daily. I asked God to reveal to me what kind of a man this guy really was at the end of November, and a week later, my grandmother passed away. That may seem irrelevant, but guess who hugged me in the parking lot when I was leaving rehearsal to go say goodbye to my grandmother for the last time; gave me a ride to choir the next day because I didn’t have a car; tried to call me just to make sure I was okay; dropped everything he was doing to take me out to lunch on the day my grandmother died; gave me a ride to and from the production we were in the day after; encouraged and prayed for me nonstop; and was even planning on attending the visitation even though he had never met the woman?

By the end of that week, I knew in my heart that that was the kind of man I wanted to marry as well.

The feelings revealed...

I felt it heavily laid on my heart to pray for Andrew on the first day of 2019, though I had no idea why or even what to pray for. I spent the entire day praying for peace, guidance, wisdom, and various other things over him, and the next week-and-a-half praying specifically for God to let both of us know what to do about the possible relationship. At the same time, Andrew was praying very frequently about what to do about pursuing me, and was wrestling with the idea of letting me know how much he liked me while we were just 16 and 17. On January 13^th, I finally felt the pressing need to pray for it all subside; and on January 14th, 2019, at the end of our second rehearsal for the musical 'Peter Pan', Andrew felt God telling him that the time was right to tell me how he felt about me. Though he was unsure what would happen if he did, he listened to what he believed God was telling him to do, and on a cold Monday evening, with snow outside and next to nobody else around, he told me his thoughts in the café of the church where we met and fell in love at.

I was in so much shock that I was speechless, and instead of telling him any of the hundreds of things that I could have, I told him at the end of the night that I would, “get back to him when I could formulate words better”. Yes, that is a direct quote. I had plans to talk with him about it after choir the next day, and to ask him to wait a year so I could graduate high school first, but Andrew woke up that morning with a bad stomach bug and was unable to come to choir. I was super jumpy the whole day, especially around his sister Samantha who was the choir accompanist, and had no idea what to do next. I was going to talk with my parents about it after dinner that evening, but by the time that rolled around, I was bed-ridden and in seclusion with the same stomach bug Andrew had gotten.

We were each too sick to call, and neither one of us wanted to discuss the elephant in the room over text; so we just went about our week texting each other like we used to, as if nothing had ever gone down between us that Monday. Though it was a miserable and hilarious part of our relationship, all of that time spent in bed gave me time to think and pray about it, and I decided to change my mind on telling him to wait. 

On Monday, January 21^st, I told Andrew how I felt in return, and we went on our first date and became official on January 25^th. We danced through the hardships and joys of life together as boyfriend and girlfriend for the next 2 years, walking through the lowest of valleys and the highest of hills hand-in-hand, and through it all we grew deeper and deeper in love with each other, and above all, with our God. We found that we each possessed the ability to help each other in our faith and growth in ways that we hadn't experienced anyone else help us before, and that we each couldn't imagine our life without the other in it. Though we had known we desired to marry each other “one day” since pretty much the beginning, it wasn't until the COVID-19 crisis of 2020 when God revealed to both of us that “one day” was soon to be "today"...

2 months of not being able to see each other due to quarantine, a month of 6-feet-apart front porch dates, and several more months of mask-wearing dates were easily the most unique, and probably the most impactful, time in our entire dating relationship. We both grew so much, and by the end of that season, we were both ready for the next step.

MANY prayers went up for wisdom, providence, discernment, confirmation, and so on, regarding our relationship, during this time; and, as always, God showed up. He taught Andrew how to be a husband, and me how to be a wife, and we both realized that all along, through every trial we had experienced together that we would never want to do again… God was actually preparing us for the promise.

The engagement...

By December of 2020, we had decided that we were ready to move forward into engagement, with hopes of getting married by the end of 2022, when Andrew would be finishing his last year of college. We prayed about it for over a month, and then felt that we had a confirmation to move forward. 

On May 18^th of 2021, Andrew took me to Faust park, the park where I had spent many years giggling and dreaming as a child; brought me under a red bud tree, like the one we had danced under on the night of Andrew’s senior prom in 2019; got down on one knee; and asked me to marry him. I was happier than I'd ever been, and felt as though I were dreaming. I knew this day was coming, I had suspected since the night before that it would be on that day, and it felt fully natural and normal... and yet, for a moment, fears flashed through my mind. Fears about my health journey that I will not elaborate on in this post, but that has been a struggle for me in every way - mentally and physically - since late 2018. Fears about the unknowns of the future. Fears and grief about feeling continually stuck in my PTSD and anxiety while wanting to soak in every moment of the engagement.

These voices all flashed through my head in an instant, but what overpowered them all was the Voice of The Holy Spirit. I felt this overwhelming sense of peace break the chains of the voices of torment, and it felt like God was speaking to me Himself and saying, "Jaléna... Whatever happens, I'm in control. It's safe to say 'yes'." 

That was enough for me. My flesh was scared, but my spirit was stronger. And my spirit reminded me that even if things were going to go differently from how we wanted them to, God always has better in mind for His children. It was safe to accept this gift, not because I was promised perfect health, a certain number of years with this man, or even our wedding date! But because I could trust that God works out all things for good, even when they don't feel good, and that He promises to walk with us through it all.

The wedding countdown begins...

I gave the biggest smile of my life, I'm fully convinced of that, and said to this gift from God on his knee in front of me, "yes!! Of course I will!!!!" And suddenly, all the voices of fear and doubt melted away, and I felt more free than I had in a long time. Andrew picked me up and spun me around, and I felt as though I were soaring through the air like a free bird, maybe like one of those sparrows that God promises to always look after. His mom, my parents, and his two sisters were there, hiding and taking pictures and video of us, and we ran to greet them as soon as he put me down and placed a ring that I still think was literally taken from my dreams on my finger. After we all talked for awhile, and took some more photos, our families left, and he and I went to a picnic table to process what just happened and to eat some lunch. It rained on us while we were eating, and it had been raining the entire day leading up to that moment. I smiled under the umbrella as the rain poured down around us because it felt as though God was reminding me of another little blessing He was giving us- He cleared the rain away just so that we could get engaged.

The day we had been dreaming of for so long went by so fast, and before we knew it, we had set a date and wedding planning had begun! 

Throughout the 19 months of engagement, from May of '21 to December of '22, we two high school sweethearts have faced several major life changes, as well as several challenges in just about every area you could imagine. We have wrestled with jealousy and impatience. We have been so tired. We have struggled to give grace to the other, and have learned to lean on Jesus for strength to forgive even the most minor of inconveniences. And yet through it all we have seen evidence of the God it is we serve and want to tell the world of. God Who makes beauty from ashes, and hope from pain.

He has always taken care of us, and always proven trustworthy even when we're biting our lips and holding our breaths looking at the present reality and wondering how we're gonna make it. Our engagement season was hard, long, and stressful... but also so beautiful, bright, and good, and worked wonders to prepare us both for the marriage we so eagerly awaited. We wouldn't change a thing, and loved every minute. Yes, even the ones that brought us to our knees in tears. For it was through those tears and on those knees that we discovered God in ways we never would have had things gone the way we planned.

"I do"...

December 17^th of 2022 is the day we have been waiting and praying for since we were 16 and 17. Though we are uncertain what the future holds, or even what this long-dreamed-for day holds, we know Who holds it all, and we know He can ALWAYS be trusted to write your story.

 We are grateful for every trial and every pain that we have worked through and walked through together over these last four years. Because only when love has been tested and proved can you rest in the knowledge that your love is true. Not an emotion, but a choice. And one we’re learning to keep on leaning on Jesus to make every day of our lives. 

Today, I'm a bride. In just a few hours, I will walk the halls of the church we met at, which I now call my own, and will get to see the smiling faces of my four dear sisters who have cheered me on through all of life's battles. I'll get to put on my wedding dress; and will share laughter and memories, and perhaps a few tears, with everyone who is present. I'll get to see my dad look at me all dressed up, knowing that in his eyes I'm still that little girl wearing that pink princess dress that I refused to take off, and asking to dance with him every chance we got. That well-loved dress may have gotten an upgrade, but that little girl's still there. And he'll walk me down the aisle, sharing with me the moment I begged God to let him stay alive for when he was dying in the ICU after suffering a brain bleed stroke in 2019. Except God didn't just let him live, He also made sure that those words they said wouldn't return, and that right side they thought wouldn't be of much use anymore, all were restored. And satan tried to rob that gift from us a week before this day, leaving my dad back in the hospital until Monday the 12th; but God still, in His grace, gave us that moment.

And as I'll be pondering all of these things in my heart, and trying not to cry... I'll see my groom at the end of the aisle, and I'll get to meet his eye. And I'll know deep inside, as all these things take part, that really, this day, my whole life, reflects God's heart. And every hour I spent wondering where He could be, every prayer that I prayed, this whole day He would see! And He knew that if only I chose to hold on, He'd return, though much better, all that once had been gone. 

So today, this bride wanted to share with you her heart. Because I want you to know what led up to today's brand new start. I want you to know just a glimpse of what our God can do. So on this, our wedding day, I pray His love speaks to you.

Light In the Darkness

"The people who walked in darkness have seen a great light; those who dwelt in a land of deep darkness, on them has light shone. You have multiplied the nation; You have increased its joy; they rejoice before You as with joy at the harvest, as they are glad when they divide the spoil.

"For the yoke of his burden, and the staff for his shoulder, the rod of his oppressor, You have broken as on the day of Midian. For every boot of the tramping warrior in battle tumult and every garment rolled in blood will be burned as fuel for the fire.

"For to us a child is born, to us a Son is given; and the government shall be upon His shoulder, and His name shall be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. Of the increase of His government and of peace there will be no end, on the throne of David and over his kingdom, to establish it and to uphold it with justice and with righteousness from this time forth and forevermore.

"The zeal of the LORD of hosts will do this." -Isaiah 9:2-7

After the year we've all had, these words take on a whole new meaning this Christmas, don't they? 

Just imagine what that must've felt like for those who understood that Jesus was the fulfillment of this prophecy, after more than 400 years of waiting for this promised Hope.

All they knew was slavery, and this was their promise that they were to be free. 

For many of those He healed, all they knew was sickness and pain. This was their promise that they were to be free.

It's an assurance that we are not alone, and that this life is not all there is. Because of Jesus, when we face difficult trials and misery, we can rejoice in the promise that all of that darkness is going to be over one day, because the Light has come. 

In the middle of all of our hopelessness and darkness this year, a Light has come. In the shadows of doubt and pain, we have a Light brightening it all, and promising to one day destroy the darkness forevermore.

On this Christmas, I pray we all remember this hope, and that it takes on a whole new meaning this year that we remember for the rest of our lives. There is hope. There is victory. Death has lost, and we are free through Him. What a wonderful thing to celebrate!  

Merry Christmas, everyone. I pray you all have an incredible holiday, and a wonderful and redemptive end to your year. 

The Best Is Yet to Come

One of the biggest lies that the devil throws at us is that we’re stuck. That our lives are over, and that nothing good will ever come to us again, and there’s nothing we can do about it. Often times, this lie tends to go hand in hand with a deep guilt over something that we’ve done, and we find ourselves believing that nothing good can ever come our way again, or ever stick around, because of the mistakes we’ve made in the past.

Many of us have found ourselves believing those lies at some point or another, and you may be wrestling those lies right now. If you are, I want you this post to be as if I’m speaking directly to you. No matter what you’ve done, or what you feel, your story is not over yet. And you know what’s more?

The best is yet to come.

Your life is not over; it’s only just beginning!!!! I don’t know the number of your days, but I don’t need to to know that this truth applies to you. Jesus came into this world to save us from our guilt, and all of our sins. Through Him, you are free. He loves you so much that He wants you to have good and perfect gifts. He wants to not only get you out of hard circumstances, but He wants to completely remove the grip that those past or present struggles have on you. You know how I know? Isaiah 43:18-19. John 3:16-17. James 1:17. There are so many verses that back this truth up!

When we give our hearts to Jesus, and choose to live for Him from there on out (repenting of our sins whenever we feel the conviction, relying on the power of the Holy Spirit to help us live a life of righteousness, spending time with Jesus in prayer and in praise and the Word, and so forth), He WANTS us to have hope and a future. He WANTS us to be free from guilt, shame, and all grips of darkness. We can rest in the reality that who Jesus is is enough, and is the answer to everything we face, and that our best is then yet to come. We will experience greater joy, peace, and freedom than we ever have in our lives. Even if our days from there are short, or we struggle with hard battles for more days than we wish we did, this truth still remains because we then have the hope of Heaven!!

It all boils down to this: do you believe that Jesus is who He says He is? That He loves you more than anyone or anything else out there? That He loves you even when you don’t love yourself? That He wants your best even when you’re at your worst? That He can do miracles? That He’s still good and loving if He doesn’t? Or if it doesn’t feel like it?

When we get to the point where we believe that… everything changes. There is newfound strength, joy, peace, freedom, excitement, and hope. No longer do our hopeless situations define us. No longer do the hard things in life cause us to crumble under the weight. He renews our strength so we soar on wings like the eagles. No longer are we a slave to sin, but we are alive in Christ!! And we don’t deserve it. And it sounds too good to be true… but He is the God of too good to be true. Except with Him, it’s true. The question is, do we believe that?

Are we willing to let go of our doubts and believe that? Even though it’s hard? Are we willing to live for Him even when it’s not comfortable? Do we really believe that Jesus is who He says He is?

Once we believe that, we can’t help but live for Him, because we know that it’s the least we can do. Once we live for Him, the best is always yet to come. Whether we’re at our worst, or our best in this life, we still have Heaven to look forward to, which will forever be better than the best we can ever imagine. You’re not stuck. Things aren’t hopeless. Your life is not over. Do you believe?

And you will know the Truth, and the Truth will set you free...

What's With the Ring?

I've had many people over the years ask me what the silver ring on my left ring finger is about. I've been wearing it every day since I was about 14, and as I've gotten older, many have mistook it for an engagement ring, or some sort of promise ring. I realize that I've never really explained before what it's about or why I wear it, so I thought I would make a post to answer any questions anyone may have about it. 

 

First off, let me start with a backstory. I grew up in a Christian household. I've believed in God my entire life, and was raised in the church. However, I didn't truly get to know the God I believed in until I was almost 14. I was going through a very lonely time in my life, and decided to turn to Jesus to see if it would help satisfy my longing for companionship. 

I began to get in the Word every day, talk with God as though He were my best friend (telling Him everything and coming to Him anywhere), cleaning out all of the entertainment and things in my life that were not glorifying to Him, really listening in church, looking for God-honoring friends and role models, and started trying to use every gift, interest, and breath I had to give God glory. It wasn't an instant fix, but the beginning of a beautiful and fulfilling journey. 

 My dream since I can remember has been to get married by 21, have a bunch of kids, live out somewhere with lots of land, and just be a big, musical, Jesus-loving, homeschool family. Sounds cheesy, I know, but that's the life that I've wanted for years, and I especially looked forward to it at 14. When I was looking for new role models who glorified God with their lives, I found many Jesus-loving women, couples, and families who I noticed were different. I didn't know why, but when I was looking to find out, I discovered that the reason why is because they all pursued purity with their lives. Not just virginity until marriage, but the kind of true purity that we are all called to pursue as Christians, whether or not we are virgins. 

I dug deeper into this idea, and started to see what a difference it makes in one's life when they are pursuing living a life that is pure and holy in God's sight, in public and behind closed doors, and I started trying to live a life like that. However, I still longed deeply for the day when I would be married or engaged, and I wanted something as a reminder that I could live a life to the full even as an unmarried teenager, and something to remind me that I am not alone, and to help me take my mind off of how deeply I wanted to be with someone one day. 

I found out that there was such a thing called "purity rings" that some Christian girls would wear until they were married and no longer virgins. While I liked the idea of waiting until marriage, and of having a special ring to wear to remind you of your commitment to do so, I also had issues with the stereotype of it all. I saw many put so much pressure on simply waiting, that they failed to get to the depths of what true purity is (which is SO much more than just being a virgin), and many didn't touch on the fact that we are called to pursue purity even after we are married. I wanted to pursue purity with my life, and I also wanted to wait until marriage. I didn't want to do one without the other, and I didn't want to spread one message but not the other by my decision to wear a purity ring. 

I thought and prayed about it a lot, and then decided to go through with it and purchase a ring, to serve as the reminders that I needed that I am not alone, and that I am committed to God first and foremost even if I never do get married. However, the ring that I purchased is a promise ring by title, not a traditional "true love waits" purity ring. I don't have anything wrong with those rings, but again, I just wanted to remember that my decisions to pursue purity with my life, and to wait until marriage, are rooted in my commitment to God, and nothing else. I want to respect and honor my future husband because I know he is God's child, and I respect and honor my King first. I want my future husband to be the only man I give myself to, out of respect for him, but ultimately out of respect for God! Because I know that that is how He designed it to be in the beginning. Does that mean that I see myself as "holier than thou", or that I judge others who have not made that decision? No. That ruins the point. It means that I wear this ring as a reminder that I am just as dirty and sinful as anyone else, without the precious blood of Christ washing me white as snow. I wear this ring as a reminder that He is with me wherever I go, and that I can experience the depth of His love even without a man's. I wear this ring as a reminder that I am married to Jesus above all else, and that I will follow Him for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, for better or for worse, for as long as I live. 

This ring is my reminder that, even though I am unmarried, I still have a commitment to Jesus, and that will not change even once I am married. When I am married, this ring will be replaced, but my mission remains the same. I am called to honor God with my thoughts, work, actions, words, gifts, body, and everything else, and that will never change. 

So there you have it! That's what my ring is all about. It sounds kinda silly, I know, but it's a precious reminder to me of my commitment to the One I owe everything to, and I love wearing it. Though I eagerly await the day when I will be wearing an engagement ring with a wedding band, I cherish these days when the only One I'm committed to for forever is the One Who loves me more than anyone else, and knew me from the beginning of time. It is only with His help that I will one day be able to commit forever to another flawed human like myself, and only with His help that I will be able to be washed white time and time again for the rest of my life whenever I mess up, and truly be able to live the life of purity which I am called to. 

Nothing but the blood of Jesus can make us pure. No matter what we've done, or how many times we make mistakes, He is always willing to take us back with open arms if we are willing to turn from our distractions and return to Him. Only He knows what is best for us, and only with Him will we find the deep satisfaction and companionship that we desire. I hope and pray that everyone reading this today, whether they agree with all I said or not, will come to know the deep, incredible, rich love and grace of Jesus. 

There truly isn't anything else like it.

Letting Go

At my work, I sit by a wall of windows with a clear door for most of the day. Looking out those windows, across the street, are a bunch of trees. Week after week, I've been watching these trees slowly start to change colors with the fall. It's been such a slow process, that I often overlook just how much has truly changed, because it just isn't all that noticeable when it's little by little. However, this past week... I noticed. 

You see, my family and I have been in a tough season for the past two years now. Lately, I've been feeling as though God has been saying to my heart that it's finally time for a new season. The change was barely noticeable, only little by little and day by day, and just when we thought things were getting better... this past Monday, my grandpa passed away. It was a peaceful passing, after a tough and long battle with so many different things, and he was finally able to be reunited with his "blue-eyed bride" who passed away two years ago in December... but even though it was something that he was ready for, and something that we all had a lot of time to prepare for, and that put him out of his misery, the loss of a loved one is never easy. I found out the news as I was heading out the door to go to work, and spent the rest of the day in a weird sort of dream-like daze, not knowing if anything was really happening. 

I was talking with God all day, and asking Him to help me process things and help me see what He was trying to say... and then I noticed the trees that I'd been watching every week. Suddenly, they were all completely changed. The colors were vibrant, and everything was so noticeably, beautifully different. I felt as though God was saying to me, "Do you see that? It's new now. It's a new season. I'm paving the way for new life to come. Do you believe that everything is going to be okay? And that it's time to let go?". 

Life is honestly all about letting go. Time goes on, and we're letting go of something every moment. You'd think it'd be something super easy for us to do, since we're faced with it every day... and yet probably the hardest thing to do in this life is to let go. Whether it's letting go of a loved one, a shattered dream, a relationship, fear, control, or anything else, letting go is hard, painful, and undesirable. The thought of it all led me to write a short poem in my journal that I wanted to share with you all today. 

"The seasons never fail to change right when their time has come. And yet, I don't trust my God to change my seasons, too, even though I see each day the many things He's done. What sense is that? To not surrender to an ever-loving and faithful King? If I trust in Him to change my seasons, new life He will always bring. I think the key lies in a gift called by the name 'free will'. The seasons change, but they have no choice, I have to choose to let go even still. I have to choose to let my leaves fall down, not knowing what will happen. I have to choose to rise above the fear I'm feeling rather trapped in. It's all my choice to hold on alone, or let go, walking on with Him. I choose to choose the latter, and I'm ready now to watch life grow from within."

Letting go is so hard, and something that we each have to do again and again every single day. But we can rest in the truth that when God has us let go of something, or someone, He will never leave us there. He will walk with us every step of the way, and He will bring new life from our hardest seasons. 

God is with us in every season of letting go. Though it's so hard and painful, and often scary, and we don't know what will come... He knows. He's got us all under the covering of His loving arms, and He won't ever let us go. 

Even when we're letting go.

May we never let go of Him no matter what else falls away. 

I love you, grandpa. Thank you so much for living your life to honor Christ, serving with all of your heart, and loving your wife, kids, grandkids, great-grandkids, and every other person God put in your path faithfully and fully. We're all better people because of you, and so thankful to God for your life and legacy. I cannot wait to see you and grandma again, and get to worship Jesus with you both by my side once more. Until that day, I can only hope and pray that my life will be able to point up to Jesus as much as yours did. Thank you for everything. I'll see you in a little while. 

He Sees You

Lately, I've been asking God to grieve my heart for what grieves His, and to fill me with rejoicing for what He rejoices over. I've been asking Him to let me know what He wants me to pray for, who He wants me to show His love to, and for Him to move me for what moves Him. When I first started praying that prayer, I had no idea how the Lord would answer it in the days and weeks to come. 

Since beginning praying that prayer, I have begun to realize something. When your heart breaks for what breaks God's, you don't just get choked up over stories about homeless people, or feel moved to go help starving children. Yes, of course, those are both HUGE things that God cares about, but there's more to it. God's heart also breaks when we sin. His heart also breaks when His children turn their backs on Him. His heart also breaks when His beloved ones speak poor words about the body He created beautifully, or when His sons and daughters suffer with physical or mental illness, or even hurt themselves or try to take their own life. His heart breaks for those who are lonely, ashamed, or even prideful and rude. Not because He's judging or condemning them (though we will stand before His judgement seat one day, and will have to face everything we did that was sinful and worthy of condemnation apart from Christ's incredible sacrifice for our salvation), but because He deeply loves every soul in existence, and He wants to have an intimate relationship with each and every one of us. It grieves Him immensely when we try to live life apart from Him, or when we believe the lies of the enemy, because He has something so much better for us! He WANTS to give us good gifts, and a future filled with hope. 

I've also realized that when you rejoice over what God rejoices over, you don't just celebrate an answered prayer, or a really great worship service, or the powerful testimony of someone you don't know. You also feel led to surrender your pride and celebrate when someone you don't like gives their life to Jesus, and you rejoice with Heaven and believe the best about them even though you're tempted to exclude them or judge them. You rejoice when your best friend gets engaged to the man of her prayers, even though you've been longing to be in her shoes for YEARS. You rejoice when you see somebody celebrating even just a week clean. You rejoice when somebody else gets the position you worked so hard for, even though it pains you to thank God for that. You rejoice even for something as simple as a new day of life, or something as hard as a lesson a trial has taught you. It doesn't mean it's always easy, but you begin to see that God really does care about even the smallest details of our lives, and that they are worth celebrating. 

All of that being said, as I've been learning how to rejoice and grieve over what God rejoices and grieves over, I've begun to realize that there is a desperate need of hope in our world, and that God is not blind to this need. I've heard countless stories about miscarriages, people struggling with thoughts of worthlessness, people whose spouses or close friends have taken their own lives, young girls believing the lie that they're unlovable or not beautiful, people who have experienced loved ones abandoning them and are left questioning their value, and more. I've noticed so many people feel abandoned by God, and rather hopeless, and my heart breaks over it because I came to the life-changing reality that His heart breaks, too. Deeply. 

 I believe at the root of us all is a desire to be loved and wanted. We want to know that someone cares, and we want to have an unconditional sort of love. The problem is, the only One Who can satisfy that longing in our souls cannot physically be seen by us in this life. Human love doesn't satisfy it, and yet that's the only love we can see, so many of us feel that great desire for something deeper, and yet feel hopeless because we can't find that love apart from Christ. That breaks God's heart, because He WANTS us to find Him. He has never abandoned us, and He so wants us to understand that.  

Yet, even while knowing that in our heads, it can still be hard to truly believe it in our hearts. If we're being honest, how many of us have felt abandoned by God at some point in our lives? How many of us have felt hopeless and unmotivated because of it? How many of us have questioned everything we know to be true, and have asked ourselves if faith was really worth it before?

I know that I have; and I also know that I'm not the only one. In fact, if I'm being completely truthful with you all, I'm still fighting my way out of believing that lie that God has abandoned me. I'm still searching for hope in the every day, and I'm still feeling discouraged when my hope gets crushed. I've walked through trauma over the past two years, and I was ashamed to admit it, since I'm in ministry and known by all for my faith, but it all left me asking myself if God was even real at all. I've felt abandoned, and like He doesn't care anymore, and can no longer be trusted. It's not anything I wish I wrestled with, but it's the painful truth that I know a lot of you can relate to. 

If that's where you find yourself today, I want you to soak this truth deep into your soul: He sees you. 

He sees you, He knows you, He LOVES you, and He's weeping with you. He has never turned His back on you for even a moment, and He is reaching out His hands to you right now, awaiting the day when you will trust Him enough to take hold again. He will never stop speaking to you in every day experiences, longing for the day when you will hear. He will never stop calling your name, waiting for you to run to Him. He wants to hold you, and cry with you until all the tears rust upon your face. He wants to comfort you, counsel you, heal your broken heart, and show you a new life filled with hope. Things won't always be perfect, but when the waves hit again, He wants you to look to Him. Only then will you not be drowned, because only then can your life be turned around! He will choose you over, and over, and over, and over again, and never stop redeeming what has been destroyed so many times. The night doesn't last forever, and there is hope for the morning coming time and time again. 

He wants us all to understand His voice, and to delight in Him. It's our choice, and when we make it rightly, we win! There is always hope for everyone who's afraid. There is always light, and always a better way. 

Sometime in late 2019, when I was right in the middle of the season when I was turning my back on God and believing He had abandoned me, I got invited to a church service by some very close friends. It was on a Wednesday night, and I was free, so I decided to check it out. I'll never forget a moment in worship when they sang this song by Elevation Worship called 'Here Again' that I had never heard before. The tears were POURING down my face, as the chorus: "I'm not enough unless You come; will You meet me here again? 'Cause all I want is all You are; will You meet me here again?" was ringing through the air. The song was my prayer, and one of the first moments when I realized that my root issue causing my dry season in my faith was because I had been believing that God would NOT meet me here again. I was believing that I was forsaken and alone, and that He had left me. To this day, I can't hear or sing that song without being moved to tears by the Holy Spirit, because I remember the pain of feeling abandoned, and how it felt as though Jesus was wrapping me up in His loving arms as the tears streamed down my face. 

He wants to meet us here again. Again, and again, and again, and again. He wants to show us a love that is unlike anything we've ever seen before. He wants us to believe, and to experience true freedom. And He wants us to be His hands and feet to those who need hope like we do. He wants our hearts to break when we hear of those who feel hopeless, and He wants our arms to open wide. He wants us to know that we are seen and cared for. He wants everyone to know that He sees them, and loves them, and is right there with them. 

He wants you to know that He sees you, too. 

Never give up hope, my friend. He's right there with you right now. 

Meaning In the Mundane

When I was a little girl (and honestly even still!), I would ALWAYS have a countdown going, counting down to the next exciting thing happening. Whether it was a countdown for a family vacation, for Christmas, for a dance recital, or even for my birthday, I was constantly counting down to something exciting, and the countdown is what kept me going through the time of waiting. I've found my motivation in looking forward to the next thing since I was small, and this part of my personality has become incredibly evident throughout the course of 2020. Why? Because, though I did not usually have a physical countdown anymore, when I watched the things I was mentally counting down to start to get rescheduled or canceled one by one, I began to realize that I was no longer waking up every morning with excitement for the day ahead. It took extra work for me to find motivation to even just do my work for each day, and as someone who has been extremely self-motivated for the last 18 years... this came as quite the shock to me. 

I started trying to figure out why I was no longer motivated to do pretty much anything, and after months of soul-searching and talking things through, I found out the connection between my motivation and my natural future-based excitement for life. Without my countdowns, I didn't see much of a reason to do anything anymore. That may sound strange, but I honestly believe that several people out there can relate to that. 

I recently read the classic 'Man's Search For Meaning'. In it, a point is made that all humankind needs a reason to keep going, a meaning for life if you will. Whatever it may be for you, we all need a "mission" in this life, otherwise we feel as though it has no meaning. 

So what happens when we can't seem to find any mission? What happens when there is nothing to count down to in the near future? When we're moving from one season to the next, but we're not quite settled in to our new home yet?

Well, the answer is simple. We either crash and burn, facing every day with hopelessness and complaining... or we begin to search for meaning in the mundane. 

I realized something powerful a few weeks back, when I was thinking about this topic and beginning to type down my thoughts on it all. I realized that, these exciting moments I had spent my entire life counting down to?... They're not even where most of my life is going to be lived in. They go by in an instant, they're often just one day to a week out of my entire life... and then they're over. The future quickly becomes a memory, and then guess where I find myself again?

The mundane, every day moments of life. 

I would go so far as to say probably 80% of life is lived in the day-to-day. Once I realized this reality, I entered a bit of a crisis. "You mean I won't just suddenly be happy and feel like I have meaning once the season/event/day I'm looking forward to happens unless I find out how to be content and live with meaning NOW???" I asked myself. And the truth of it is, yes! You won't just magically become content once your circumstances change. You won't just magically become the woman or man you want to be once you get the job you want, live in the area you've been eyeing, get married (or enter into a relationship), have children, graduate, you name it. Unless you work on it NOW, even though you don't feel like it, it's not going to happen then.

But how do we find meaning in the mundane? What is our purpose in the overwhelming, stressful, routine, day-in, day-out seasons of life? Well, I can't answer that for you. Honestly, I have trouble answering it for myself most days! But I can help encourage you to find your own answers for that by offering a few tips that have been so helpful in my own battle finding purpose and contentment again. 

The first is, do your best to soak in absolutely every moment. Take a breath in and a breath out, and do your best to leave your worries at the feet of Jesus. If you're talking with somebody, be totally present with them. Listen to them. Put your phone away, stop letting the worries about how your life is going to look tomorrow cloud the back of your mind, and just let yourself enjoy every moment of every conversation. If you're taking a walk, or going for a drive, or even just taking a shower or doing work around the house, try not to think about anything besides what's happening around you, or what you're doing in that moment. You only get every second once, so do your best to soak in even the seconds you don't exactly want to stick around. When being present becomes your "mission", you start to realize that often the little things that you overlooked (the jobs you do, the relationships and friendships you have, and so on) have great value. 

The second can be a bit tricky at times, and especially at first... but it is, do your best to find something to be thankful for in every moment. Often times, the reason we're wishing our routine days away is because we're taking them for granted. We're not happy where we are, and we want it to end as soon as possible. When you focus on things to be thankful for, rather than complain about, you start to shift your perspective on your life as a whole, even if you don't realize it right away. When thankfulness is your "mission", you start to see that life truly does have great meaning. 

The last tip I have is something that is extremely difficult for many adults to do, but goes hand-in-hand with tip number two... and it is, be unashamed to be excited about even the little things in life, and try to keep a positive outlook, even if people look down on you for it. Deep down, I believe everyone respects adults (or teenagers!) who still have an enthusiasm about life even after experiencing the ugly parts of it. That childlike joy and light is desired in many, if not all, of us. I know this is so hard to do, especially the older we get and the more it seems the people around us expect us to be negative, super serious, and discouraged. But I challenge you to find something, anything, that ignites your childlike joy (we all have it buried within us), and then work your way up to finding more things until it becomes a habit. Whether it be having a dance party to your favorite songs, and just letting yourself forget all other worries and responsibilities for a few minutes, or just needing to pause and smile while eating your favorite dessert or breakfast, do your best to make it a habit to search for the little things in life that make you feel alive and motivate you. When childlike joy becomes your "mission", you start to see how beautiful and fun life can really be, even in the day-to-day.

Above all, remember that, in Christ, every moment has meaning. And even Jesus lived 33 years on this earth before His ministry began in a formal way, which brought Him many more exciting and eventful days. He knows exactly how you feel. But as long as you are on this earth, every second matters. You have work here to do, and, as a friend so beautifully told me once, the most important things in this life (i.e. faith, relationships with family and friends, etc.) are grown deeper, and experienced most, in these every day moments. Think back on some of your favorite memories from childhood and beyond. Were most of them made in the average, everyday life you live? Every day has meaning in Christ, because every day provides an opportunity to experience and grow the most important things that will last us for eternity. 

The things of this earth don't last forever. Eventually, it will all fade away. If we try to find fulfillment in these things, it won't work. What will last forever is Heaven. We have the chance to help guide souls towards that eternal destination every single day, by loving as Jesus loved, serving as He served, providing wisdom when we're asked, and showing them something different that gives them hope and plants a seed. Even if that day the only soul that was steered closer to Heaven was our own, Heaven throws a celebration for that! That is what's most important in life. Faith, hope, and love. That's what brings us meaning, even in the every day moments of life. That's what we have the chance to experience even in the here and now. And the memories we make living this out will one day be the ones we look back on with a smile on our faces and fondness in our hearts. Not the memories where we spent going through the motions, or focusing on our own worries and stress trying to get it all done. The moments when we loved deeply, served selflessly, worshiped wholeheartedly, and let the joy of the Lord flood our hearts. I pray that we all would find more moments like those in life. Because truly... those moments are what it's all about this side of Heaven. 

What's Next?

It's been awhile since I've been very active on this blog! 

As many of you know, I started blogging weekly when I was 15 (the end of 2017). This blog's mission, since the beginning, has been to share parts of my life experiences with you all, in hopes of encouraging someone who can relate, and helping them find a hope and peace in the middle of all of life's chaos and storms. That's why the name "Steady Earthquake" has titled this ministry since the start. My original passion and hope was for others to realize, through my sharing my own journey through this earthquake of life, that there IS a way to remain steady- to remain hopeful and at peace- in the middle of it all.

My last weekly post on this blog went up on May 17th, 2019. It was a post I had made about overcoming fear, and it was scheduled to go up on the day of my Junior recital. Apart from my knowledge, that typical day ended up turning into one of the most major dates of my life, and I ended that day needing the very words that I had typed earlier that week and posted on this blog earlier that day. Many of you know this, but my dad had a rare stroke that same day, while I was getting ready to sing and dance at that recital. My phone was on airplane mode, so that I could leave it on backstage without it messing with the mics or distracting me with texts and calls, so I had absolutely no idea until the recital was over; but the moment I heard the news is a moment forever marked in my memory, and one that began a journey through deep anxiety and PTSD that I have only just started finding healing from this year. 

Everything was a blur. ICU waiting rooms, graduation for the class of 2019 (of which my sweet boyfriend is a part of), performances which ended up being my last ones (due to COVID canceling my final Senior year shows), my dad's brain surgery, rehab, friends and family dropping off meals, and an entire summer of recovery and change for us all. Life as I'd known it had disappeared, and, little did I know, it was only the beginning. My shield of faith took some holes that day, which grew larger over the course of that summer and fall, and I felt as though I was an impostor in the ministry because of it. I felt like I couldn't pray the real prayers anymore, because I was doubting that God would answer them; I had this chronic fear that I couldn't shake that something traumatic was about to happen any second; I didn't know who God truly is, and what He wants for His children, anymore; and then the enemy started whispering lies in my head about how hypocritical, unqualified, and inadequate I was sharing things about some good God Who has our best in mind and loves us deeply through it all, when I was having trouble believing it myself. I would smile, but behind that smile the voice was pulsing through my mind saying, "who do you think you are? They can tell that you're fake. Nobody's going to be encouraged by you". I couldn't even look at my eyes in the mirror without the voice telling me, "just what do you think you're doing with your life? You don't belong where you are". 

I started my Senior year that fall with this battle raging in my mind and spirit every moment. As mentioned in my most recent post, I started dealing with a chronic digestive condition, so much tension in my neck and spine, and even a bit of a breathing issue that all came forth from the crippling grip of stress, fear, guilt, and shame that I was captured by every day of my life. I kept up weekly poems of encouragement on my other blog, and I would still share things here and there as part of the ministry that I've had on my personal social media accounts since I was 15, but even though I never fully left the ministry, my spirit wasn't into it. I was running from what I knew God was calling me to do (ministry) because I felt like I wasn't "good enough" to do it anymore. 

As I kept on running in fear, the battle got worse and worse. I wasn't listening to God's call, and it took the world shutting down due to a pandemic, and all of my plans for Senior year and post-grad life getting changed or canceled, before I finally decided to take a rest from the race and pay attention to what He was trying to tell me. At the end of July in 2020, I decided I wanted to listen to Him again, and seek His guidance for the next chapter in my life. I spontaneously decided to take a month-long break from my social media (other than my page for my other blog that I post on a few times a week), and just devote all of my time to praying and listening to Him. People I graduated with were starting college or careers, people I knew were going back to school, or getting married, or having kids, or moving... I had no college plans, no career direction, no work plans anymore, pretty much nobody to hang out with since most of the people I hung out with were getting busy with their new seasons of life (and, you know, there's a pandemic happening that makes meeting up a little challenging), I had no shows to focus on anymore, no performance opportunities, and basically... no excuses to get out of spending time with God. 

I fully expected to log off of my social media and not really ever return. I wanted to escape from the ministry full-force for a month to sort of prove to myself that God wasn't REALLY calling me to it. I figured that I would get into the habit of not being online, and of not sharing my stories and voice with others anymore, and then I would just be able to escape from it all entirely when I returned in September. Though I still planned on staying online to some extent, just to catch up with friends and family, I thought I'd be able to "get away" from the ministry part of it, so to speak. I even started writing a post on my other blog about "retiring the blog" that I was going to share sometime after I made my return. However, much as I wanted to, when I went to type those words in that post... there was like there was this force stopping me. It felt almost as if my fingers physically could not move to type those words, and I ended up just deleting that draft instead. That moment caught my attention, though, and I began praying about what God wanted me to do regarding my ministry. 

In time, He revealed to me the root of why I wasn't all that excited about the thought of returning to ministry, and He began to heal my heart from wounds I didn't even realize were there. I asked Him to reveal to me what had been keeping me from answering His call this long, and poured myself into studying His Word and spending time with Him, and He showed me the lies I had been believing about myself, the pressure I was putting on myself to do it all on my own when He was saying that it wasn't up to me or anyone else to determine my success in the first place, and the Truth He wanted me to focus on. I realized that I couldn't just walk away from this, and asked Him to help me learn to rely on Him again, and to give me the words He wanted me to share with those He would bring to listen. 

What was "supposed" to be a time away for me to prove to myself that God wasn't really calling me to ministry, and to figure out where I was actually supposed to go, ended up becoming a time where I realized that, though I had been searching for what I was "supposed" to do with my life all while leading up to graduation, I honestly had it more figured out at 15 than I do at 18. My life may be pretty uninteresting to others, and my platform may not be all that big, but as I was so wonderfully reminded not too long ago, "Heaven rejoices even over just one soul". If any of you reading this can become that "one soul" through my average, every day life experiences, then I'd count this ministry as a success. 

So "what's next"? It's a question many have been asking me since my Junior year of high school, and finding out the answer is the reason many of you clicked on this post. I tend to leave that question unanswered unless directly confronted with it, largely because of my fear of what others will think by my response. But you'll hear it here first: what's next is that I'm back in the ministry, and I'm back to encouraging others, and sharing my voice with anyone who wants to listen. 

What am I doing about college and career? I have no idea. How is that going to make a living for me? Good question. Where will I be in the next five years? Check back with me in 2025. But one thing I do know for sure, I'm meant to be right where I am, and I'm done being afraid of what comes next.

 

For anyone reading who may be having trouble discerning God's will for their life, who may be exhausted trying to figure it out with no known answer in sight, or who may be feeling anxious, ashamed, traumatized, or all of the above... I just want to remind you that God's plans for us are good. They are to give us HOPE and a FUTURE. You can rest in the knowledge that God is good, and that what He has for you is good. He isn't a cruel God Who is going to snatch every glimmer of hope from you, and leave you with a broken heart and a tragic story. He WANTS to give you hope, and He wants for you to experience it new every morning. He also wants to give you a FUTURE. He doesn't want you dwelling in your past, afraid that your tomorrow is going to look like today. He wants you to leave the past behind, and just take another step wherever He leads you. He wants you to rejoice as you ring in the new, every single dawn.

Always remember that it is by His grace that you are where you are and who you are. You don't have to be ashamed when you look in the mirror, and you don't have to feel guilty about being a hypocrite or unworthy. The truth is, we ARE! But God's grace is amazing. You can "boast in your weaknesses" because it is by God using you in spite of those weaknesses that His power is made perfect. It's by HIS grace and might that you are worthy, and that you have made it where you are. He is responsible for every victory you have ever had, and ever will have. By Him, you don't have to live in shame. He takes all of that away! "It is not I, but Christ Who is in me".

 

His grace is why I am able to make this comeback, after so long of hiding and running. His grace is why I am able to be victorious after so long of being defeated time after time. His grace is something to celebrate, and I want to boast about it again. I'm saved by His true grace and love. It's amazing, and I pray this new fire I have because of it will never end.

"Good" Friday?

"It is finished".

Three simple words that couldn't be more powerful.

I've heard and read the Resurrection story probably thousands, if not millions, of times.
Growing up, I always just sort of brushed it all aside instead of deeply pondering every word until it came alive to me. 
As I've been diving deeper into the Bible over the past few years, the reality of what Jesus did for me 
has been reaching my inmost being, and it has left me craving to hear every detail again and again. 

Something I've been really thinking about, since finally paying attention to this story, is how horrible "Good" Friday must have been.
I've asked myself before why we would call a day so dark and painful "good".
People turned on Jesus, while others were experiencing crushed hope.
Those who loved Him were experiencing deep grief, while those who hated Him rejoiced. 
A spotless Lamb had been mocked, beaten, spit upon, tortured,  and ultimately slain.

His mother wept at the foot of His cross.
Darkness covered until late in the afternoon.
God had to turn His back on His Son, and Jesus cried out, "My God, My God! Why have You forsaken Me?"

Nothing about that day classifies as "good"... 
And yet, so many years later, we celebrate.
Because we know what came next. 
We have the hope of knowing that though this may seem like the end, Sunday's coming just around the bend. 

Good Friday was the worst Friday until Sunday.

And now, we rejoice. 
For because of that weekend, we are never alone.
The curtain is torn. 
We can come to God with everything in our lives, and live holy through the power of His Spirit. 

THAT, my friends, is why this day is so good. 
Because now we have the hope that through every Friday we come to... 
Sunday's coming. 

Happy Resurrection weekend, everyone. 

May the evidence of God's intimate love for you cause your spirits to come alive this day.

Love With Actions

I was reading in 1 John the other day when I came across an interesting verse:

"Dear children, let us not love with words or with tongue but with actions and in truth." -1 John 3:18

As I read those words, I realized the deep reality of their simplicity.

It often seems as though loving with actions is the most insignificant thing we can do.
When I love someone, I want to tell them all of the reasons why.
When someone I love is hurting, I always wish I had words that would help "fix" it and make them happy again.
Even just through my social media, I enjoy writing encouraging posts as a way of sharing Christ's love with everyone.

Words have always just been my conscious go-to when I want to show love.

But as I thought about it more and more, I thought about all of the times where I've felt the most loved.

I thought about when I was going through my first personal experience with grief this past winter.
There were so many wonderful people who said so many amazing things to me during that time that really helped me... But the things that meant the most to me, and were the reasons I was able to get through it, were the people who didn't really know what to say.

The people who sent flowers to the visitation even though they didn't know her.
The people who showed up at the visitation just to give me a hug and be there with me.
The person who dropped everything they were doing to take me out to lunch on the day she died because they didn't want me to be alone.
The person who came over to my house with dinner and chocolates the night she died so my siblings and I wouldn't have to be alone while our parents were at the hospice house. 
The people who let me cry, grieve, or reminisce, weeks and months after it happened, and who still allow me to do it when I need to even though most people feel like I should be "over it" by now.

The people who love with actions are the ones who show me the most glimpses of God's love.

And as I thought about this more, I realized that that's the kind of love that I want to show the world.

I still firmly believe that showing love through words is wonderful and powerful, but I challenge all of us to expand upon that. 

Let's sit with the people who don't have a friend group to join. 

Let's pay for someone else's meal (providing you can of course).

Let's give our friend a phone call or FaceTime just to listen when they say they're having a bad day.

Let's smile at a stranger.

Let's offer the last slice of pizza to our sibling instead of eating it ourselves (super tough one, I know).

Instead of simply telling the people we love that we love them, let's show them.


Because THAT is the kind of love that is going to change this world. Not just telling them about our God, but showing them. 

In fact, really... Showing them is how we should tell them. 

Let's love with actions.