Preparing for the Promise

How it began...

It started off as good stage chemistry... Apparently REALLY good stage chemistry.

We met through LifeLight Youth Theatre in late 2016, when Andrew was 15 and I was 14; but it took us until June 3rd of 2017 to finally start talking with each other. That first real conversation between us occurred at a cast party at IHOP on the closing night of the show Seussical, where I remember only choosing to sit across from him because he was sitting next to a guy I liked at the time who had told me earlier in the evening that he wanted to talk with me later that night. 

Little did I know while I was trying everything I could to be noticed by the boy to his left that my future husband was the one right in front of my eyes.

 Neither I nor Andrew remember anything we discussed that night, but Andrew remembers thinking after our conversation, “Wouldn't it be funny if anything ever happens between us? Then we could look back on this moment and laugh.”

However, nothing happened. At least not right away. People began to matchmake us together in their minds, even from that young age, but neither Andrew or I ever seriously considered the possibility of entering into a romantic relationship, and were barely friends at that. 

Turn the page to 2018...

 In early 2018, Andrew and my voice teacher decided to pair us together for a song she wanted us to do for the vocal recital that year. All of the practices for that broke the ice, and forced us to talk with one another more. We quickly realized that we enjoyed the other's company. By the time the recital rolled around, we were very comfortable around each other. Over the course of that summer, our friendship developed into a best friendship.

By August of 2018, during rehearsals for the show 'Oklahoma' (where we were playing opposite each other as the two lead love interests), we had both begun to develop a crush on the other; but we wouldn't ever have admitted it. We had both wasted our time focusing on crushes in the past, and had both come to the decision long ago that we weren’t going to date anyone in high school. Because of this, we both prayed about our developing feelings for each other every so often, but were quick to brush them aside and ignore them outside of prayer.

Yet as our friendship continued to develop, and we began to have deeper conversations, Andrew started to realize that his feelings for me were growing, and he wanted to pursue me. In fact, he left our first deep conversation about living for God as a teenager thinking, “wow. That’s the kind of girl I want to marry”.

However, he did not take the decision to pursue me lightly, and spent several months praying about it and seeking wisdom. I, on the other hand, was completely oblivious, and didn’t realize that there could have actually been something between us until early October of 2018, when a mutual friend strongly suggested to me that I should ask him to the spring formal because “he’d say yes to you”.

Once the thought was planted, I, too, began to spend months praying about it. Instead of just praying about it every so often, I began to take it to the Lord daily. I asked God to reveal to me what kind of a man this guy really was at the end of November, and a week later, my grandmother passed away. That may seem irrelevant, but guess who hugged me in the parking lot when I was leaving rehearsal to go say goodbye to my grandmother for the last time; gave me a ride to choir the next day because I didn’t have a car; tried to call me just to make sure I was okay; dropped everything he was doing to take me out to lunch on the day my grandmother died; gave me a ride to and from the production we were in the day after; encouraged and prayed for me nonstop; and was even planning on attending the visitation even though he had never met the woman?

By the end of that week, I knew in my heart that that was the kind of man I wanted to marry as well.

The feelings revealed...

I felt it heavily laid on my heart to pray for Andrew on the first day of 2019, though I had no idea why or even what to pray for. I spent the entire day praying for peace, guidance, wisdom, and various other things over him, and the next week-and-a-half praying specifically for God to let both of us know what to do about the possible relationship. At the same time, Andrew was praying very frequently about what to do about pursuing me, and was wrestling with the idea of letting me know how much he liked me while we were just 16 and 17. On January 13^th, I finally felt the pressing need to pray for it all subside; and on January 14th, 2019, at the end of our second rehearsal for the musical 'Peter Pan', Andrew felt God telling him that the time was right to tell me how he felt about me. Though he was unsure what would happen if he did, he listened to what he believed God was telling him to do, and on a cold Monday evening, with snow outside and next to nobody else around, he told me his thoughts in the café of the church where we met and fell in love at.

I was in so much shock that I was speechless, and instead of telling him any of the hundreds of things that I could have, I told him at the end of the night that I would, “get back to him when I could formulate words better”. Yes, that is a direct quote. I had plans to talk with him about it after choir the next day, and to ask him to wait a year so I could graduate high school first, but Andrew woke up that morning with a bad stomach bug and was unable to come to choir. I was super jumpy the whole day, especially around his sister Samantha who was the choir accompanist, and had no idea what to do next. I was going to talk with my parents about it after dinner that evening, but by the time that rolled around, I was bed-ridden and in seclusion with the same stomach bug Andrew had gotten.

We were each too sick to call, and neither one of us wanted to discuss the elephant in the room over text; so we just went about our week texting each other like we used to, as if nothing had ever gone down between us that Monday. Though it was a miserable and hilarious part of our relationship, all of that time spent in bed gave me time to think and pray about it, and I decided to change my mind on telling him to wait. 

On Monday, January 21^st, I told Andrew how I felt in return, and we went on our first date and became official on January 25^th. We danced through the hardships and joys of life together as boyfriend and girlfriend for the next 2 years, walking through the lowest of valleys and the highest of hills hand-in-hand, and through it all we grew deeper and deeper in love with each other, and above all, with our God. We found that we each possessed the ability to help each other in our faith and growth in ways that we hadn't experienced anyone else help us before, and that we each couldn't imagine our life without the other in it. Though we had known we desired to marry each other “one day” since pretty much the beginning, it wasn't until the COVID-19 crisis of 2020 when God revealed to both of us that “one day” was soon to be "today"...

2 months of not being able to see each other due to quarantine, a month of 6-feet-apart front porch dates, and several more months of mask-wearing dates were easily the most unique, and probably the most impactful, time in our entire dating relationship. We both grew so much, and by the end of that season, we were both ready for the next step.

MANY prayers went up for wisdom, providence, discernment, confirmation, and so on, regarding our relationship, during this time; and, as always, God showed up. He taught Andrew how to be a husband, and me how to be a wife, and we both realized that all along, through every trial we had experienced together that we would never want to do again… God was actually preparing us for the promise.

The engagement...

By December of 2020, we had decided that we were ready to move forward into engagement, with hopes of getting married by the end of 2022, when Andrew would be finishing his last year of college. We prayed about it for over a month, and then felt that we had a confirmation to move forward. 

On May 18^th of 2021, Andrew took me to Faust park, the park where I had spent many years giggling and dreaming as a child; brought me under a red bud tree, like the one we had danced under on the night of Andrew’s senior prom in 2019; got down on one knee; and asked me to marry him. I was happier than I'd ever been, and felt as though I were dreaming. I knew this day was coming, I had suspected since the night before that it would be on that day, and it felt fully natural and normal... and yet, for a moment, fears flashed through my mind. Fears about my health journey that I will not elaborate on in this post, but that has been a struggle for me in every way - mentally and physically - since late 2018. Fears about the unknowns of the future. Fears and grief about feeling continually stuck in my PTSD and anxiety while wanting to soak in every moment of the engagement.

These voices all flashed through my head in an instant, but what overpowered them all was the Voice of The Holy Spirit. I felt this overwhelming sense of peace break the chains of the voices of torment, and it felt like God was speaking to me Himself and saying, "Jaléna... Whatever happens, I'm in control. It's safe to say 'yes'." 

That was enough for me. My flesh was scared, but my spirit was stronger. And my spirit reminded me that even if things were going to go differently from how we wanted them to, God always has better in mind for His children. It was safe to accept this gift, not because I was promised perfect health, a certain number of years with this man, or even our wedding date! But because I could trust that God works out all things for good, even when they don't feel good, and that He promises to walk with us through it all.

The wedding countdown begins...

I gave the biggest smile of my life, I'm fully convinced of that, and said to this gift from God on his knee in front of me, "yes!! Of course I will!!!!" And suddenly, all the voices of fear and doubt melted away, and I felt more free than I had in a long time. Andrew picked me up and spun me around, and I felt as though I were soaring through the air like a free bird, maybe like one of those sparrows that God promises to always look after. His mom, my parents, and his two sisters were there, hiding and taking pictures and video of us, and we ran to greet them as soon as he put me down and placed a ring that I still think was literally taken from my dreams on my finger. After we all talked for awhile, and took some more photos, our families left, and he and I went to a picnic table to process what just happened and to eat some lunch. It rained on us while we were eating, and it had been raining the entire day leading up to that moment. I smiled under the umbrella as the rain poured down around us because it felt as though God was reminding me of another little blessing He was giving us- He cleared the rain away just so that we could get engaged.

The day we had been dreaming of for so long went by so fast, and before we knew it, we had set a date and wedding planning had begun! 

Throughout the 19 months of engagement, from May of '21 to December of '22, we two high school sweethearts have faced several major life changes, as well as several challenges in just about every area you could imagine. We have wrestled with jealousy and impatience. We have been so tired. We have struggled to give grace to the other, and have learned to lean on Jesus for strength to forgive even the most minor of inconveniences. And yet through it all we have seen evidence of the God it is we serve and want to tell the world of. God Who makes beauty from ashes, and hope from pain.

He has always taken care of us, and always proven trustworthy even when we're biting our lips and holding our breaths looking at the present reality and wondering how we're gonna make it. Our engagement season was hard, long, and stressful... but also so beautiful, bright, and good, and worked wonders to prepare us both for the marriage we so eagerly awaited. We wouldn't change a thing, and loved every minute. Yes, even the ones that brought us to our knees in tears. For it was through those tears and on those knees that we discovered God in ways we never would have had things gone the way we planned.

"I do"...

December 17^th of 2022 is the day we have been waiting and praying for since we were 16 and 17. Though we are uncertain what the future holds, or even what this long-dreamed-for day holds, we know Who holds it all, and we know He can ALWAYS be trusted to write your story.

 We are grateful for every trial and every pain that we have worked through and walked through together over these last four years. Because only when love has been tested and proved can you rest in the knowledge that your love is true. Not an emotion, but a choice. And one we’re learning to keep on leaning on Jesus to make every day of our lives. 

Today, I'm a bride. In just a few hours, I will walk the halls of the church we met at, which I now call my own, and will get to see the smiling faces of my four dear sisters who have cheered me on through all of life's battles. I'll get to put on my wedding dress; and will share laughter and memories, and perhaps a few tears, with everyone who is present. I'll get to see my dad look at me all dressed up, knowing that in his eyes I'm still that little girl wearing that pink princess dress that I refused to take off, and asking to dance with him every chance we got. That well-loved dress may have gotten an upgrade, but that little girl's still there. And he'll walk me down the aisle, sharing with me the moment I begged God to let him stay alive for when he was dying in the ICU after suffering a brain bleed stroke in 2019. Except God didn't just let him live, He also made sure that those words they said wouldn't return, and that right side they thought wouldn't be of much use anymore, all were restored. And satan tried to rob that gift from us a week before this day, leaving my dad back in the hospital until Monday the 12th; but God still, in His grace, gave us that moment.

And as I'll be pondering all of these things in my heart, and trying not to cry... I'll see my groom at the end of the aisle, and I'll get to meet his eye. And I'll know deep inside, as all these things take part, that really, this day, my whole life, reflects God's heart. And every hour I spent wondering where He could be, every prayer that I prayed, this whole day He would see! And He knew that if only I chose to hold on, He'd return, though much better, all that once had been gone. 

So today, this bride wanted to share with you her heart. Because I want you to know what led up to today's brand new start. I want you to know just a glimpse of what our God can do. So on this, our wedding day, I pray His love speaks to you.

19

 

February 12th, 2021, the day of my 19th birthday. My oh my how things have changed since my last birthday. Putting myself back in the shoes of the 17-year-old girl who was writing down her thoughts and reflections about turning 18, I had absolutely no idea what the year ahead had in store. Last birthday was pre-lockdown. Last birthday, I was still numb and questioning my faith. Last birthday, I was literally stressing and worrying myself sick, causing me to have all sorts of issues in my digestive system and in my adrenals. Last birthday, I was jobless, collegeless, and had no idea where I would be after the graduation that was coming up in just 3 short months. Last birthday, I was nervous at the thought of adulthood! Last birthday, I was still in highschool. Last birthday, I hadn't yet been chosen to give the speech at my class's graduation ceremony, and had only JUST signed up to audition to do it the night before. Last birthday, I wasn't teaching music or working with a ministry. Last birthday, I had hopes of being engaged by this birthday (my boyfriend knows this and we've had many long discussions about our "plan", so don't anybody out there think that this is a passive aggressive hint, haha!). Last birthday, I was physically losing my voice due to stress causing too much tension and pressure on my vocal cords and upper back/shoulders. Last birthday, meeting with Jesus was more of a chore than a thrill for me. Last birthday, I had shorter hair! Though let's be honest, nobody really noticed 😜. Last birthday, I still had walls up around my heart that were keeping me from fully being able to love and experience the joy of being loved, and was only just starting to let them down (for an example for context, I made my boyfriend wait to tell me he loved me for over a year, and had only just told him 11 days before my 18th birthday that I was finally ready to open up my heart and take a major step towards recovering from being numb by letting myself take the risk of outwardly expressing inward feelings). Last birthday, my friends and the people I was around looked a lot different than they do now, let's just say that much! Last birthday, my words had been slowly fading away, and I thought about stopping writing all together. Last birthday, I was so afraid of what other people thought of me that I hadn't yet taken the time to consider what I thought of me, and more importantly what God thinks of me. Last birthday, I was a kid! And now, here I am, my last birthday as a teenager, and my first time entering a birthday as an adult and not a child. There is SO much more that I could write about what all has changed between last birthday and this one, but I'll keep this short and just say that God's been doing a mighty work. I still have so much to learn, and I'm currently on a long and hard road back to the life of freedom from the chains of my shame and of my memories, but unlike last birthday, I have hope that I'll live to see the beautiful view at the end of this journey. I am SO far from perfect, and I never want anyone to get the impression that I am or that I am trying to be. Sometimes I do admittedly put on a fake sort of "perfection" appearance to cover up how messed up and broken I really am, but I am working to throw that cover away and tap into what it is I really feel, and who it is I really am, once more. Just like that 15-year-old girl did who started sharing her writings, as raw and real as they were, simply because she knew that God speaks to others through the power of relatability. I want to go back to that, for as long as I exist on this earth. I fear every day of my life that something traumatic is going to happen, or that I or someone I love will have a medical emergency and die. I fear walking away from the Truth, and what would happen if I were to grow lukewarm in my faith. I fear what 19 is going to bring, after such a long and hard two years of life have never seemed to end... but despite my fears and humanity, I'm learning every day that God can be trusted. I have so many questions for Him, but I'm learning that He's not afraid to hear them, even if some of His people are. I'm learning that He knows what He's doing, and that I don't deserve His love and protection and grace, but that He gives it freely even when I'm on my face sobbing because I feel the weight of my sin. I'm learning He came to take that weight away, and that nothing is too heavy for Him to hold. I'm learning that perfect Love casts out ALL fear, and that my life is not my own, and my blessings can never be earned. I'm learning that, though at times I feel as though my cup is too much for me, God never makes a mistake in giving us exactly what He knows we can handle- with Him. I'm learning how to dance and sing for Him again. I'm learning how to rest in the confidence that, as my grandfather often said, "the good Lord will take care of me", and everyone I love also. I'm learning how to feel again, and how to take time to process what it is I do feel. I may not be perfect, but what I can tell you is that when I look at myself from this year compared to last year... I see growth. It wasn't an easy growth, but the kind of growth that came through many tears, "whys?", and sleepless nights. I see a peace on my face that wasn't there a year ago. I see a hope in my eyes, and a light that's learning that it has an invitation to break free again. I see a creation that has been formed by God, and that is exactly what and where it is meant to be, and I believe with all of my heart that He will complete the work that He has so beautifully begun in this being. I hope 19 teaches me more and more how to be free, and that by this time next year, when I'm facing 20, I can report that, despite the memories and the things that have tried to drag me down, my God lifted me up out of the pit. Somehow, I believe that that will be my story a year from now, and I will do all that I can to fight to make that story a reality, putting my full trust in the only One Who can truly make it so. I'm happy. I'm not perfect, and I'm not always put together, more often than not I'm a mess just like anybody else... but I'm happy. Because my God is amazing, and I look at my short life and see how merciful and kind He has been to a broken mess like me, who could give Him nothing but a stained and torn heart in return. He makes beautiful things out of brokenness, friends. I want 19 to be the year I share that Truth with every breath I breathe. 

How wonderful life is, scars and pain and all. Our God is bigger, and will never, ever fall. 

Maybe Next Year...

As the new year begins, many of us find ourselves saying, "maybe this will be the year..."

Sure, last year was a challenge for us all, but surely THIS will be the year we've been waiting for. Surely this will bring the freedom, change, hope, and contentment that we longed for 2020 to bring. 

But then, reread that last sentence... we longed for 2020 to bring what we're now longing for 2021 to bring. Many of us entered last new year with the same kind of excitement and hope that we now are entering 2021 with because we witnessed it get quickly crushed in 2020, and we were then left with many unmet desires that we're hoping will be met in 2021. 

But what if they're not? I don't mean to sound depressing, and I truthfully am hoping for exciting change in this new year as well!... but what if we don't get that? What if our desires that we've been expecting 2021 to meet go unmet for another year? Or two? Or three? Or twenty?

What then?

You may be entering this year with a loss. A lot of us are, sadly. 2020 was a year filled with loss and change. Now, many of us enter with some form of grief from our former life, as well as many questions about what to do now. Did 2020 change all of your plans for your future, too? Postpone them? Destroy them? Are you facing life now without a person or a thing that you clung to dearly, and don't know how to do life without?

I know many of you are hoping for answers, positive life circumstance changes, and for hope to finally be proved worth it, and I hope the same for each of you!! But what if this year is harder than the last? What if it's just the same? What if things don't change for the better? What if they don't change at all? 

The problem we face is that we tend to try to control the things beyond our control. We say things like, "maybe this will be the year when I finally get that job", or, "maybe this will be the year I finally get that relationship", or, "maybe this will be the year I finally have a child", or anything else that you can fill in the blank. We focus so much on those hopes that we end up unknowingly putting our hope IN those things rather than in the One Who controls them. If our hope is in anything but Jesus, it will fail. It will disappoint us. We can't even control these things, let alone find satisfaction from them. I know it feels like such a lie when it seems like once these things you're hoping in happen, THEN you will be happy... but you won't be. Not until you search for that happiness right where you are. 

I don't know if this will be the year when your dreams come true, or if this will be another year of disappointment. But what I do know is that a great place to start off this new year, is by putting your hope in Jesus. Focus on His goodness, and in His perfect plan and timing, and focus on changing only the things you can control instead of hoping for the things you can't control to change. Maybe this will be the year when we learn to have joy even when we don't feel happy. Maybe this will be the year when we finally start reading our Bibles again, and the words start to make sense. Maybe this will be the year when we devote our lives to the Lord, and step into all that He has planned for us. Maybe this will be the year when we find freedom from what others think, because this year we're devoting ourselves to only listening to what God thinks. 

I don't know what 2021 will bring for us all... but come what may, I pray that this is the year we find a peace that makes no sense in the middle of all of this chaos. A steadiness of our lives in the middle of the world's earthquake. 

Maybe this will be the year of freedom. 

I'm praying that over everyone reading this today. Welcome to 2021, my friends. Come what may, God is still on the throne.

Take Another Step

I blinked, and now it's the end of 2020, a year that has brought more change and grief to more people than any other year in my lifetime. I look back on the beginning of this year, and it feels like another lifetime ago. I was a senior in highschool, unsure of what the fall was going to bring, who had high hopes for her future. I had no idea what was about to unfold, and neither did the rest of the world. And yet, here we are. 

Everyone has their own story from this year, and their own list of struggles and loses that all took place because of 2020. Whatever your story looks like, was there ever a moment when you just didn't know where to go? Was there a moment in 2020 when you had no idea what step to take in what direction, and you just wanted to skip ahead to the part of the story where it was all made clear to you?

Or maybe that's the place you find yourself now. Maybe you're heading in to this new year, totally uncertain about where to go next, and maybe even filled with fear at the thought of it. If that's you, I just want to encourage you...

I feel ya. 

It's hard not knowing what the road ahead looks like. It's hard when you thought you could see a glimpse of the next destination, but then your path took a turn, and now you have no idea where you're heading. It's scary to walk through the unknown, not recognizing anything around or ahead of you. But no matter how scary it is, or how much we want to just stop walking until the road is made clear, the best thing for any of us to do is to always take another step.

When we can't see what's ahead, the best thing to do is just look for what's one step ahead. Look for the next right step. Not the entire journey's worth of steps, but only the next one... Then the next one... Then the next one... before you know it, the road ahead will become clearer and clearer until you're right where you're meant to be. 

It's a short and simple solution to any problem that feels like the end of the road, but it always works. When you don't know what to do, just do the next right thing. Take the next right step. It may feel like nothing, but in the end, it's those little steps that make up the journey of your life. 

It's not the end of the road, it's only the beginning of a new one. You don't see the whole trail clearly at the beginning; you just see what's right in front of you as you choose to keep walking, one step at a time. As we enter this new year, unsure of what it will bring, let's all choose to walk on, one step at a time. 

We'll see where it is we're going soon.

God Uses the Incapable

When I was a kid, I had a lot of trouble hearing. For the first 6 or so years of my life, I could barely hear anything, and went through a lot of trips to the ear doctor in order to help my ears learn how to do what they were supposed to do. I praise the Lord because now pretty much the only things I struggle with are a very slight ringing in my ears, and occasional ear infections/sinus problems, but because I was struggling with hearing so much around the same time I was starting to learn phonics, I dealt with a lot of problems sounding out words/spelling/writing, and sometimes I wrestle still with harder words. 

I never would have imagined that I would end up writing as much as I do as an adult. I journaled often, greatly enjoyed reading, would sometimes jot down ideas for possible stories/attempt to write some, and would have fun being creative with my siblings and friends, but I always thought that that creativity and those ideas would lead me to end up being an actress in movies, or something like that. And when it came to poetry... I NEVER would have imagined myself doing that in a MILLION years.

Yet, here I am. What started with taken an interest in trying to write songs at 13, led to writing blog-like posts on social media, starting this blog at 15, starting to write poetry consistently shortly before turning 16, starting my poetry blog (Letters of Light) at 17, writing and delivering my graduating class's student speech this past May, and now spending my days passionate about spreading the Gospel and Light through writing in every form I can. I say all of this not to boast about myself, because I honestly have nothing to boast about!! I never planned for the life that I live now, and I have to overcome much in order to continue doing what I do on a day-to-day basis... but I say this to let you all know just what Jesus can do through incapable, unqualified, outcast people like myself. 

Without Jesus, I am nothing. I would never have stepped out in faith to start sharing my writings that I didn't think were any good, nor would I keep doing it every day. I am also an introvert by nature, who deals with anxiety, and what I do now is far outside of my comfort zone. I still feel the fear when I go to share what I've written, or talk with someone who has a different opinion than I do or who is calling me out on something, or get up in front of people, or share openly about my struggles, and I still doubt myself all the time. But it is not I who is responsible for any impact that I may have with anything! Only Christ through me. When I keep that in view, all of my fears fade. They don't disappear, but they fade to the point where I can see clearly that they aren't actually as powerful as I think. 

 

Really, that's the key to freedom that the devil wants us to forget, especially when he can see that we're about to step out in faith and do something for God's glory. He wants us to think that we're failures, or that it's impossible, or that we are incapable, or look foolish. The truth is, we ARE incapable, and it IS impossible... on our own. But when you rely on God and not yourself, trusting Him to use you and speak through you in any way He desires... suddenly, impossible things become possible. Miracles become normal in and around you. And you get the honor of displaying to the world, even just by your life and story, that God loves using incapable people for amazing things.

I don't know who else out there is struggling with feelings of doubt, or fear. I don't know who else feels like an imposter in their every day life, and who sometimes thinks about just giving up all together because they don't think they're fit for the task. I don't know who else is even reading this, let alone if anyone needs to hear this... but what I do know is that God turns shepherds into Kings (David). He turns scared girls into Queens who save an entire race (Esther). He turns fishermen into church-planters (Peter). He turns farm boys into pastors of thousands (Billy Graham). And He can turn you and me into something greater than we could ever imagine. 

If you're feeling incapable today, I encourage you to remember that it is not up to you whether or not you make an impact on others. Just come to Jesus with all of your worries, and feelings, and fears; seek Him in everything you do; and trust Him with the rest. He delights in using incapable people for incredible things. 

He Is Before ALL Things

For my 18th birthday, one of my closest friends got me a mug as part of a birthday gift. On the mug there are five simple words: "He is before all things". When I received this mug, I thought it was lovely, but I had no idea how much I would need the words printed on it in the months to come. 

Just a month after I was given this gift, COVID-19 lockdown began, which led to an unexpected and crazy ride for every person everywhere that continues to the present. I, along with millions of others, went through intense stress during all of the changes of everything, and I found myself asking God many questions. In the middle of all the chaos, both in the world and in my own life, I paused one morning while drinking some tea out of that mug and read what was printed on it. I had read it so many times before... but somehow, in that moment, the Holy Spirit spoke to me deeply through it. 

I felt as though He was saying, "Jaléna... I've always known all of this. Fear not. I know how this is going to work out. All of it". That brought so much peace to my heart in the moment, and it has been something that I've been clinging to ever since. Every illness, hardship, lay off, waiting period, complication, plague, election, emergency, attack, battle... He knows about it all, and He has known about it all since the beginning of time. He has always been before it all, and He had to give permission for those things to come to pass. That means that He is still in control, even when things seem out of control, and that we can trust Him through it all. 

But if all of that is true, then why do we fear things that we can't control? Why do we fear the unknown? If God is above it all, then why are we afraid of it all? 

It's because we often forget that truth, and we need to constantly remind our souls about it. Truthfully, there is absolutely nothing to fear. Yes, the things of this world are scary, and there are so many things that can go wrong with anything, but God is before it all! He will not allow something to happen without providing a way through it. He will either protect us from even facing the things we fear in the first place, or He will walk with us and comfort us as we face them. Either way, we can rest assured that He has a purpose for everything, He is still protecting us while we face troubles and fears, and He will help us through this life.

If He is before all things, then that means that He not only knew everything before it happened, but also that He continues to know everything before it happens. He knows what will come our way in the future, and how every day will look. He knows when we'll face future trials, and how we will get through them. He knows when we'll have hard days, and when we're have wonderful days, and He knows how every mystery will unfold. Like the author of a novel, He has beautifully written every word, every chapter, and every book of all of our lives, and He is not caught off guard by reading any plot twists. You can trust God to write your story, because He already knows how every page of it looks! 

Just think of it this way. We look back all throughout history, and we see how things worked out even when it seemed hopeless. The people living in the time when the history was the present would've most likely felt very scared, worried, and hopeless, just like we feel when we find ourselves in the middle of living the hard things that will one day be history. However, we're not usually worried when hearing about what's history, because we know the ending! We know how and when things got better, and knowing that brings us peace. God knows exactly how and when things will get better for us, and invites us to live in the peace of trusting that one day it will all make sense, and that things will always work out for the better. All things work together for the good of those who love Him, and that is a promise we can cling to. 

Whatever it is you're facing or fearing now, and whatever may come your way... I hope you remember that God will carry you through. Nothing takes Him by surprise, and nothing ever will. He promises to walk with you through it all (Isaiah 43:2), and you can trust Him to write your story beautifully. One of these days, you'll read back what you're living now, and you will get to tell everyone all about how God proved that He is Who He says He is, and that He truly is before all things. Until that day comes, I pray that you can imagine it now, and that that thought fills you with peace and joy. 

We don't have to fear. He is before ALL things. 

Letting Go

At my work, I sit by a wall of windows with a clear door for most of the day. Looking out those windows, across the street, are a bunch of trees. Week after week, I've been watching these trees slowly start to change colors with the fall. It's been such a slow process, that I often overlook just how much has truly changed, because it just isn't all that noticeable when it's little by little. However, this past week... I noticed. 

You see, my family and I have been in a tough season for the past two years now. Lately, I've been feeling as though God has been saying to my heart that it's finally time for a new season. The change was barely noticeable, only little by little and day by day, and just when we thought things were getting better... this past Monday, my grandpa passed away. It was a peaceful passing, after a tough and long battle with so many different things, and he was finally able to be reunited with his "blue-eyed bride" who passed away two years ago in December... but even though it was something that he was ready for, and something that we all had a lot of time to prepare for, and that put him out of his misery, the loss of a loved one is never easy. I found out the news as I was heading out the door to go to work, and spent the rest of the day in a weird sort of dream-like daze, not knowing if anything was really happening. 

I was talking with God all day, and asking Him to help me process things and help me see what He was trying to say... and then I noticed the trees that I'd been watching every week. Suddenly, they were all completely changed. The colors were vibrant, and everything was so noticeably, beautifully different. I felt as though God was saying to me, "Do you see that? It's new now. It's a new season. I'm paving the way for new life to come. Do you believe that everything is going to be okay? And that it's time to let go?". 

Life is honestly all about letting go. Time goes on, and we're letting go of something every moment. You'd think it'd be something super easy for us to do, since we're faced with it every day... and yet probably the hardest thing to do in this life is to let go. Whether it's letting go of a loved one, a shattered dream, a relationship, fear, control, or anything else, letting go is hard, painful, and undesirable. The thought of it all led me to write a short poem in my journal that I wanted to share with you all today. 

"The seasons never fail to change right when their time has come. And yet, I don't trust my God to change my seasons, too, even though I see each day the many things He's done. What sense is that? To not surrender to an ever-loving and faithful King? If I trust in Him to change my seasons, new life He will always bring. I think the key lies in a gift called by the name 'free will'. The seasons change, but they have no choice, I have to choose to let go even still. I have to choose to let my leaves fall down, not knowing what will happen. I have to choose to rise above the fear I'm feeling rather trapped in. It's all my choice to hold on alone, or let go, walking on with Him. I choose to choose the latter, and I'm ready now to watch life grow from within."

Letting go is so hard, and something that we each have to do again and again every single day. But we can rest in the truth that when God has us let go of something, or someone, He will never leave us there. He will walk with us every step of the way, and He will bring new life from our hardest seasons. 

God is with us in every season of letting go. Though it's so hard and painful, and often scary, and we don't know what will come... He knows. He's got us all under the covering of His loving arms, and He won't ever let us go. 

Even when we're letting go.

May we never let go of Him no matter what else falls away. 

I love you, grandpa. Thank you so much for living your life to honor Christ, serving with all of your heart, and loving your wife, kids, grandkids, great-grandkids, and every other person God put in your path faithfully and fully. We're all better people because of you, and so thankful to God for your life and legacy. I cannot wait to see you and grandma again, and get to worship Jesus with you both by my side once more. Until that day, I can only hope and pray that my life will be able to point up to Jesus as much as yours did. Thank you for everything. I'll see you in a little while. 

Cover Your Ears

On Labor Day this year, there was an incident regarding broiling some hot dogs and our smoke detector... Everything was fine, but until we could get the smoke detector to realize that there was no fire, it set off this LOUD alarm that cut through every wall and room of the house. It went off for several minutes, with the patterned "BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!" ringing out each time, until it finally realized that all the smoke was gone and there was nothing to alert us of. However, after the last "BEEP!" faded away, I noticed that my left ear was still ringing along with the pattern of the beeps. I could still hear a faint beeping, even though it wasn't going off physically anymore, simply because I had not covered my ears to protect them from the after effects while the noise was occurring. I assumed that, though it was loud, I was far enough away that I wouldn't need to (I had been in a different room). 

When the ringing carried on for the next few days, I began to wish I had covered my ears when I still had the chance to protect them. 

Now, for those of you who are concerned, don't worry. It faded away eventually. But the whole thing made me realize something that hit me pretty hard... It felt as though the Holy Spirit was convicting me that I needed to "cover my ears" because of something other than an alarm...

I realized that, in the same way the loud beeping had left my ears ringing with the rhythm for the next few days, I had lies ringing through my mind simply because I had not been mindful to "cover my ears" to prevent them. I was allowing my mind to dwell on thoughts like "it's hopeless", "you're not good enough", "God doesn't really care about you", "you're never going to be able to be free", "your prayers aren't being heard", "God can't forgive you for that", "God's punishing you", "doing this sin just this once won't hurt anything", "God can't help you out of this one", and so on and so forth. Instead of using the power of the Holy Spirit to "cover my ears" when I heard the first lie, and to tell those lies the truth found in Scripture, I had let these lies take over my mind, and I was finding it hard to focus on anything else. 

I had wasted so much of my time listening to these lies, and believing them to the point of constantly being in a state of hopelessness, and as I said in my last post, feeling abandoned by and distant from God. I never would've realized it without the Holy Spirit, but I truly was ignoring the Truth simply because I had ALLOWED the voices telling me lies to dwell in my mind. Because I didn't just cover my ears, and rebuke those lies in the name of Jesus, the moment I FIRST recognized them, they multiplied and made a home in me that they know full well they should by no means be doing to a child of God. They saw an opportunity and took it, and it led me to over a year's worth of mental battles that could've all been avoided had I simply covered my ears. 

I write this to encourage those of you who are reading to really take seriously the things that are being put into you, and the thoughts that are floating around your mind. Have you been listening to some lies lately? Do you find yourself thinking things that are opposite of the Truth? Do you allow yourself to listen to, read, or watch things that are helping the lies look more and more like truth? 

Though we will never be able to get rid of the noise of the lies entirely in this life, we have the choice whether or not we're going to let them damage us. We have a choice whether or not we're going to listen to them, and let them stay in us. God promises to always provide a way out of temptation, as well as freedom if we resist the devil, and if we seek His face and the way out. 

It's not too late to fight back the lies with Truth. No matter how long they've been ringing through your mind, and no matter how much damage they've caused, there is hope and freedom if you choose to seek it and cling to it. It's a daily choice that we have to make, and it isn't always easy... but it is SO worth it. 

 I want to close today by taking a few moments to speak some truths over you all that some of you may be in need of hearing. I encourage you to speak these over the lies you face in life, and to constantly cling to them even when you don't believe that they are true. 

For those who believe that you are worthless, I tell you the truth that you are valuable and loved (Psalm 139:14, Isaiah 43:4).

For those who believe that you are trapped forever, I tell you the truth that there is freedom still for you (John 8:36, John 10:10).

For those of you who believe that you are unable to do something, or that your illness or anxiety or anything else will always bring you down to the point where you can't accomplish what you're made to, I tell you the truth that you can do ALL things through Christ's strength (Philippians 4:13).

And for those of you who believe that your circumstance is impossible, and that God can't redeem... I tell you the truth that nothing is impossible for God (Matthew 19:26).

There are thousands of other verses that you can find to speak over whatever lies come your way, and I encourage you all to dive in to God's Word and seek out those verses for your specific battle. And remember that sometimes the devil will try to twist Scripture at you, in order to get you to believe his lies. That's why we need to make a habit to get in the Word as often as we can, so that we know other Scriptures that prove that his twisting is a lie in disguise. 

All Scripture is God-breathed, and it is true to the very depth of it. Our feelings will lie to us, society will lie to us, and even sometimes our friends and family will lie to us, because the devil wants to use any chance he can get to get us to listen to him, so he will try his best to make every one of his lies sound as true as possible. But ultimately, what God says is Truth. He will never lie to us. We just have to choose to believe that, even when the noise is ringing loud all around us. 

Will you choose to listen to the voice of Truth today? I promise you, He will never let you down. 

What's Next?

It's been awhile since I've been very active on this blog! 

As many of you know, I started blogging weekly when I was 15 (the end of 2017). This blog's mission, since the beginning, has been to share parts of my life experiences with you all, in hopes of encouraging someone who can relate, and helping them find a hope and peace in the middle of all of life's chaos and storms. That's why the name "Steady Earthquake" has titled this ministry since the start. My original passion and hope was for others to realize, through my sharing my own journey through this earthquake of life, that there IS a way to remain steady- to remain hopeful and at peace- in the middle of it all.

My last weekly post on this blog went up on May 17th, 2019. It was a post I had made about overcoming fear, and it was scheduled to go up on the day of my Junior recital. Apart from my knowledge, that typical day ended up turning into one of the most major dates of my life, and I ended that day needing the very words that I had typed earlier that week and posted on this blog earlier that day. Many of you know this, but my dad had a rare stroke that same day, while I was getting ready to sing and dance at that recital. My phone was on airplane mode, so that I could leave it on backstage without it messing with the mics or distracting me with texts and calls, so I had absolutely no idea until the recital was over; but the moment I heard the news is a moment forever marked in my memory, and one that began a journey through deep anxiety and PTSD that I have only just started finding healing from this year. 

Everything was a blur. ICU waiting rooms, graduation for the class of 2019 (of which my sweet boyfriend is a part of), performances which ended up being my last ones (due to COVID canceling my final Senior year shows), my dad's brain surgery, rehab, friends and family dropping off meals, and an entire summer of recovery and change for us all. Life as I'd known it had disappeared, and, little did I know, it was only the beginning. My shield of faith took some holes that day, which grew larger over the course of that summer and fall, and I felt as though I was an impostor in the ministry because of it. I felt like I couldn't pray the real prayers anymore, because I was doubting that God would answer them; I had this chronic fear that I couldn't shake that something traumatic was about to happen any second; I didn't know who God truly is, and what He wants for His children, anymore; and then the enemy started whispering lies in my head about how hypocritical, unqualified, and inadequate I was sharing things about some good God Who has our best in mind and loves us deeply through it all, when I was having trouble believing it myself. I would smile, but behind that smile the voice was pulsing through my mind saying, "who do you think you are? They can tell that you're fake. Nobody's going to be encouraged by you". I couldn't even look at my eyes in the mirror without the voice telling me, "just what do you think you're doing with your life? You don't belong where you are". 

I started my Senior year that fall with this battle raging in my mind and spirit every moment. As mentioned in my most recent post, I started dealing with a chronic digestive condition, so much tension in my neck and spine, and even a bit of a breathing issue that all came forth from the crippling grip of stress, fear, guilt, and shame that I was captured by every day of my life. I kept up weekly poems of encouragement on my other blog, and I would still share things here and there as part of the ministry that I've had on my personal social media accounts since I was 15, but even though I never fully left the ministry, my spirit wasn't into it. I was running from what I knew God was calling me to do (ministry) because I felt like I wasn't "good enough" to do it anymore. 

As I kept on running in fear, the battle got worse and worse. I wasn't listening to God's call, and it took the world shutting down due to a pandemic, and all of my plans for Senior year and post-grad life getting changed or canceled, before I finally decided to take a rest from the race and pay attention to what He was trying to tell me. At the end of July in 2020, I decided I wanted to listen to Him again, and seek His guidance for the next chapter in my life. I spontaneously decided to take a month-long break from my social media (other than my page for my other blog that I post on a few times a week), and just devote all of my time to praying and listening to Him. People I graduated with were starting college or careers, people I knew were going back to school, or getting married, or having kids, or moving... I had no college plans, no career direction, no work plans anymore, pretty much nobody to hang out with since most of the people I hung out with were getting busy with their new seasons of life (and, you know, there's a pandemic happening that makes meeting up a little challenging), I had no shows to focus on anymore, no performance opportunities, and basically... no excuses to get out of spending time with God. 

I fully expected to log off of my social media and not really ever return. I wanted to escape from the ministry full-force for a month to sort of prove to myself that God wasn't REALLY calling me to it. I figured that I would get into the habit of not being online, and of not sharing my stories and voice with others anymore, and then I would just be able to escape from it all entirely when I returned in September. Though I still planned on staying online to some extent, just to catch up with friends and family, I thought I'd be able to "get away" from the ministry part of it, so to speak. I even started writing a post on my other blog about "retiring the blog" that I was going to share sometime after I made my return. However, much as I wanted to, when I went to type those words in that post... there was like there was this force stopping me. It felt almost as if my fingers physically could not move to type those words, and I ended up just deleting that draft instead. That moment caught my attention, though, and I began praying about what God wanted me to do regarding my ministry. 

In time, He revealed to me the root of why I wasn't all that excited about the thought of returning to ministry, and He began to heal my heart from wounds I didn't even realize were there. I asked Him to reveal to me what had been keeping me from answering His call this long, and poured myself into studying His Word and spending time with Him, and He showed me the lies I had been believing about myself, the pressure I was putting on myself to do it all on my own when He was saying that it wasn't up to me or anyone else to determine my success in the first place, and the Truth He wanted me to focus on. I realized that I couldn't just walk away from this, and asked Him to help me learn to rely on Him again, and to give me the words He wanted me to share with those He would bring to listen. 

What was "supposed" to be a time away for me to prove to myself that God wasn't really calling me to ministry, and to figure out where I was actually supposed to go, ended up becoming a time where I realized that, though I had been searching for what I was "supposed" to do with my life all while leading up to graduation, I honestly had it more figured out at 15 than I do at 18. My life may be pretty uninteresting to others, and my platform may not be all that big, but as I was so wonderfully reminded not too long ago, "Heaven rejoices even over just one soul". If any of you reading this can become that "one soul" through my average, every day life experiences, then I'd count this ministry as a success. 

So "what's next"? It's a question many have been asking me since my Junior year of high school, and finding out the answer is the reason many of you clicked on this post. I tend to leave that question unanswered unless directly confronted with it, largely because of my fear of what others will think by my response. But you'll hear it here first: what's next is that I'm back in the ministry, and I'm back to encouraging others, and sharing my voice with anyone who wants to listen. 

What am I doing about college and career? I have no idea. How is that going to make a living for me? Good question. Where will I be in the next five years? Check back with me in 2025. But one thing I do know for sure, I'm meant to be right where I am, and I'm done being afraid of what comes next.

 

For anyone reading who may be having trouble discerning God's will for their life, who may be exhausted trying to figure it out with no known answer in sight, or who may be feeling anxious, ashamed, traumatized, or all of the above... I just want to remind you that God's plans for us are good. They are to give us HOPE and a FUTURE. You can rest in the knowledge that God is good, and that what He has for you is good. He isn't a cruel God Who is going to snatch every glimmer of hope from you, and leave you with a broken heart and a tragic story. He WANTS to give you hope, and He wants for you to experience it new every morning. He also wants to give you a FUTURE. He doesn't want you dwelling in your past, afraid that your tomorrow is going to look like today. He wants you to leave the past behind, and just take another step wherever He leads you. He wants you to rejoice as you ring in the new, every single dawn.

Always remember that it is by His grace that you are where you are and who you are. You don't have to be ashamed when you look in the mirror, and you don't have to feel guilty about being a hypocrite or unworthy. The truth is, we ARE! But God's grace is amazing. You can "boast in your weaknesses" because it is by God using you in spite of those weaknesses that His power is made perfect. It's by HIS grace and might that you are worthy, and that you have made it where you are. He is responsible for every victory you have ever had, and ever will have. By Him, you don't have to live in shame. He takes all of that away! "It is not I, but Christ Who is in me".

 

His grace is why I am able to make this comeback, after so long of hiding and running. His grace is why I am able to be victorious after so long of being defeated time after time. His grace is something to celebrate, and I want to boast about it again. I'm saved by His true grace and love. It's amazing, and I pray this new fire I have because of it will never end.

The Senior Year That Carried On...

Our word changed with just a single headline. 

For 12+ years the highschool seniors of 2020 had been working for the moment when it would finally be "our year". And I know that many of you 2021 seniors can relate to this as well. Many of us spent years watching older siblings, cousins, role models, and friends graduate and longed for the day when it would be us up there. Personally, I recall in middle school talking with my best friend at the time all about the seniors we looked up to, planning how to make them feel special as they entered into the adult world, and spending HOURS dreaming of what could happen when it was finally "our year".

2020 was "our year". That was going to be the year it would finally be our turn. That was the year we'd finally get to make an impact on the places and people we would be leaving behind in highschool, be a grown up, experience life through the position of those we so looked up to when we were young, start the rest of our adult lives, and of course... walk that stage. The very thing my little heart would race with excitement and burn with longing every time I watched the "big kids" do it.

I worked for senior year. I prayed for senior year. I longed for senior year. I planned for senior year. I know it sounds so silly, but that year meant so much to me. During my 8th grade year, my friend (the one mentioned above) and I came up with an idea to write letters to some seniors we looked up to. The next year, I decided to personally continue that and write every senior in my "highschool" (I was homeschooled) a personalized letter, which later became a yearly tradition and then an online ministry. I've told some stories about it before, but that simple deed done for the seniors led to unique connections with them, and I saw many miraculous heart changes (including mine!) through it. Again, I know it sounds silly, but seniors have been my mission field since I was 13. So the moment when I would become one myself, and would write those final letters and get to walk that stage... My little mind could barely fathom it.

I spent year after year so invested in the seniors that when the fall of 2019 came and I finally was one myself... It didn't feel real. I took the senior photos, I had my last first day, we ordered my cap and gown, I attended all the meetings, I had my final Christmas production and started work on my final spring one, I began my last year of dance classes, I started working out all the post-grad plans, I started planning the grad party... But none of it felt real to me. It was like I had been so focused on everyone else going through their senior year that when it finally came to my own... I just didn't know how to process.

Well, second semester came. I turned 18, started getting SUPER excited about the dates that were all coming closer than I could believe...

And then came the headlines.

You all know what I'm talking about.

Instead of the bittersweet, eagerly anticipated "lasts" we were all expecting to come in second semester, we got about two months of "normal" before we were abruptly locked in our houses and faced with the grief of never getting to walk our halls again, talk to our teachers again, see some of our friends again, and of not having known that our last day before quarantine- a random day at the beginning of March- would end up being our last day at school ever, the day that we expected to have in May.

It was hard. It hurt BAD. Personally, I felt like a crazy person because for the first few weeks I would go from being angry, to weeping out of grief and hurt, to being numb, and then to being okay again all in the span of like 10 minutes. I can very easily say that in all of the talks, dreaming, and planning I did throughout my middle and highschool years, I NEVER would've thought of or wanted my senior year to go like it did. Nobody would've planned or wanted this, and that's what makes things like this so hard to take. 

It stinks. It just straight-up stinks. For everyone in every situation. 

We each have our own unique yet equally difficult story from 2020. This is my story, and my hope is that by sharing it, somebody else out there will be able to find hope in their own. The year that was "supposed" to be "my" year turned out absolutely nothing like I ever would've wanted or planned. I had already had a Junior year that ended up being the hardest year of my life, and quite frankly I barely remember any of 2019 because of it. I was facing grief from losing my grandma, PTSD from almost losing my dad only 5 months later, and a bunch of PTSD, stress, worry, and fear from a situation regarding someone else in my family walking through a really dark time. Because of all the chronic stress and worry, I literally started making myself sick against my knowledge. My stomach started having all of these issues, making it hard for me to eat anything without it leaving me in some form of pain or discomfort; my spine, neck, and shoulders were always in pain because of the tension I was carrying every day; sometimes it would be hard to breathe because I was constantly tense and stressed; dancing was getting difficult because of all of the physical pain; and all of that, in turn, made me even more worried, thus making it all even worse. I constantly had this cloud of worry in the back of my mind that something bad was going to happen, after all the bad that I had witnessed had happened over the past year. After awhile, the anxiety and physical difficulties got so bad that I actually considered quitting performing, something I have been doing for about 17 years and have loved since the very start. The cloud of worry was causing me to be unable to be present and give my best to every rehearsal and performance, and really to even just enjoy my life from day to day. I barely remember many of the performances I did, or experiences I had, during this time because I was so caught up in the cloud that it was like I wasn't even there. The worry started affecting my voice, too, the thing I knew I was called to use forever for God's glory, and I even considered quitting singing because it was physically starting to give out from the constant tension and stress. I nearly gave up on my faith, shut everyone I love out (including Jesus), and spent every day in a blur just going through the motions. Even my quiet times just felt rehearsed and plain. 

This was my 2019, and it carried into 2020. My life was slipping away but I barely even noticed. Every day just felt like the same thing, and I was desperately seeking a way out. I started praying for God to make this year a year of breakthrough, victory, and joy. I prayed for God to shift my heart and mindset, help me learn how to desire and seek Him again, teach me how to slow down, and for this to be a year of healing and peace. I didn't expect much to become of it, but I would pray those prayers every day while I went about my normal life. I made the plans for post-graduation, entered into adulthood, and continued to go through senior year pretty much the same as junior year... until we got those headlines...

Talk about a wake up call.

For the first three weeks of quarantine, I was not a pleasant person to be around. As previously mentioned, my emotions were EVERYWHERE, and I was NOT happy about how life was looking. My plans for post-graduation all got changed on me. I was out of work. My senior year both pretty much ended out of nowhere and got extended indefinitely at the same time. I was mad that so many people were dying, losing their dreams, losing their jobs, and getting sick. There was just so much happening, and so much that had already happened, and one night during that first week, my boyfriend called me because he could tell from my texts that I was in a dark place. He reminded me of the truths I knew, but I couldn't believe that I was actually having trouble saying I believed them at the time. I was in such a dark place that I didn't know if I even believed anything I knew I did anymore. 

At the end of that conversation, he challenged me to say that I did believe it all, and to never give up on it. He reminded me of all the times in the past that God HAS come through and proved real to me, and how so much of who I am is based in my faith. I couldn't just walk away from that. I knew he was right, and that's why I had been so numb and fearful the past year. I had let a flaming arrow of doubt get in through a hole cast in my shield of faith, and once in, it started burning me away. I started crying and reached my breaking point where I told him I just wanted to believe again so badly. This began a process of healing for me that I never knew I needed. 

I started inviting Jesus back in, and truly listening to what He was trying to say to me. I had absolutely nothing left to lean on except for Him. I literally had no idea what was going to happen next for the first time in my life, and the only thing I could do was talk with my Heavenly Father about it all. For the first time since I was 16, I started telling Him everything. Every disappointment, every fear, every longing, every worry, every doubt, every question... I told Him things I didn't even know I felt or thought, and finally reached a point of connection with Him that I had been praying for and longing for since the middle of my junior year. There's a sort of beauty that comes from pure surrender, and in the moment I reached it, everything began to heal. I would tell Him whenever I was scared, worried, angry, doubtful, stressed, lonely, confused, sad, and just about anything else you can think of. I started praying the hard prayers that He would convict me, show me where I needed to grow, become my longing (since all of my former longings were suddenly proven unable to be fulfilled), and so on and so forth. I started seeing Him answer in powerful ways, and began to find true peace, contentment, and light in the middle of the darkest time I could recall the world going through during my lifetime. 

It wasn't easy, and it certainly isn't even still... But as more and more of my plans and dreams began to be crushed before my eyes, I experienced something I had been deeply longing for more than anything for so long. As I wept with the world, and grieved my own loses along with it, I experienced the reality of Jesus truly caring and weeping with all of us as well, and that brought me more comfort than anything else could possibly have. 

My senior year went nothing like I dreamed. It wasn't anything I planned, and I certainly hope nobody else ever has to go through anything like 2020's plot-twists again... But though unexpected, unknown, and unwanted, God used this time to answer my prayers. If it weren't for the plot twists thrown in "my" year, I wouldn't have even felt like I was living throughout the whole thing- just like in 2019. I may have given up singing, dancing, acting, performing, writing, ministering, and reaching out to others (the very things I knew I was called to do) because I was so burnt out and so sick and so unaware that I needed to get to the roots of the old weeds before I could plant new seeds. I was under attack and didn't even realize it... 

...But God.

Two words that have begun to light up my face all the way to my eyes again. The world was dark and broken... but God still broke through. Nobody knew what was coming... but God knew what to do. 

It may sound crazy, but I am now so thankful for this unexpected and unwanted end to my childhood. And to elaborate a little more on the sickness struggles I mentioned earlier, I have not found full freedom from that yet. I still am on a road to healing, physically and mentally, and it isn't easy in the least. Physically, I've had to change my diet so many times, try out so many different treatments, and it still seems to pop up from time to time. Mentally, I've talked with SO many people for so long, just trying to heal from this PTSD and learn how to live my life again without worrying, but it still takes hold of me sometimes. Though I am MUCH better, and I praise God daily for it, I still do have my days where my physical and mental struggles seem overbearing, and I can't do much else besides lie down and talk with God. Those days are lessening as time goes on, my voice is returning to its full, I can dance again, my strength is returning, I can eat more things again with no trouble, and I believe with all of my heart that the full freedom that I seek WILL become my reality one day; but the affects of chronic stress on your body are no joke. It took me almost two years to get to where I found myself, and I'm trying to have patience with myself as I take longer than I'd like to get my full strength and light back again. However, that being said, this time of sickness and struggle has taught me so much about how to have compassion, and how to view God and others rightly and give my full heart to Him, and I am learning to thank Him for even the hard days (as much as I don't want to most of the time). Because really, He IS answering my prayers, even though it's taking longer than I'd like and it looks different from what I thought; and I am so thankful that God hears every prayer, sees every tear, and has a plan far greater than we could ever imagine for each and every one of us. 

We may never understand His ways, but they are always for our good. Even in the moments when they don't look how we think they should. He's always reaching out and offering a better plan. It's only up to us whether we will take His hand. Whatever you are facing, and whatever your story may be, I pray that you would carry on through every hour of uncertainty. I promise that He hears you, I promise that He's there. Though at times it may not feel like it, I promise you He cares. So lift your head up, weary friend, and believe that there's a way. Someday this nightmare soon will end, and you'll have something powerful to say. 

Whenever now I wonder if He's there or if He's gone... I hope I always will recall the senior year that carried on.