Preparing for the Promise

How it began...

It started off as good stage chemistry... Apparently REALLY good stage chemistry.

We met through LifeLight Youth Theatre in late 2016, when Andrew was 15 and I was 14; but it took us until June 3rd of 2017 to finally start talking with each other. That first real conversation between us occurred at a cast party at IHOP on the closing night of the show Seussical, where I remember only choosing to sit across from him because he was sitting next to a guy I liked at the time who had told me earlier in the evening that he wanted to talk with me later that night. 

Little did I know while I was trying everything I could to be noticed by the boy to his left that my future husband was the one right in front of my eyes.

 Neither I nor Andrew remember anything we discussed that night, but Andrew remembers thinking after our conversation, “Wouldn't it be funny if anything ever happens between us? Then we could look back on this moment and laugh.”

However, nothing happened. At least not right away. People began to matchmake us together in their minds, even from that young age, but neither Andrew or I ever seriously considered the possibility of entering into a romantic relationship, and were barely friends at that. 

Turn the page to 2018...

 In early 2018, Andrew and my voice teacher decided to pair us together for a song she wanted us to do for the vocal recital that year. All of the practices for that broke the ice, and forced us to talk with one another more. We quickly realized that we enjoyed the other's company. By the time the recital rolled around, we were very comfortable around each other. Over the course of that summer, our friendship developed into a best friendship.

By August of 2018, during rehearsals for the show 'Oklahoma' (where we were playing opposite each other as the two lead love interests), we had both begun to develop a crush on the other; but we wouldn't ever have admitted it. We had both wasted our time focusing on crushes in the past, and had both come to the decision long ago that we weren’t going to date anyone in high school. Because of this, we both prayed about our developing feelings for each other every so often, but were quick to brush them aside and ignore them outside of prayer.

Yet as our friendship continued to develop, and we began to have deeper conversations, Andrew started to realize that his feelings for me were growing, and he wanted to pursue me. In fact, he left our first deep conversation about living for God as a teenager thinking, “wow. That’s the kind of girl I want to marry”.

However, he did not take the decision to pursue me lightly, and spent several months praying about it and seeking wisdom. I, on the other hand, was completely oblivious, and didn’t realize that there could have actually been something between us until early October of 2018, when a mutual friend strongly suggested to me that I should ask him to the spring formal because “he’d say yes to you”.

Once the thought was planted, I, too, began to spend months praying about it. Instead of just praying about it every so often, I began to take it to the Lord daily. I asked God to reveal to me what kind of a man this guy really was at the end of November, and a week later, my grandmother passed away. That may seem irrelevant, but guess who hugged me in the parking lot when I was leaving rehearsal to go say goodbye to my grandmother for the last time; gave me a ride to choir the next day because I didn’t have a car; tried to call me just to make sure I was okay; dropped everything he was doing to take me out to lunch on the day my grandmother died; gave me a ride to and from the production we were in the day after; encouraged and prayed for me nonstop; and was even planning on attending the visitation even though he had never met the woman?

By the end of that week, I knew in my heart that that was the kind of man I wanted to marry as well.

The feelings revealed...

I felt it heavily laid on my heart to pray for Andrew on the first day of 2019, though I had no idea why or even what to pray for. I spent the entire day praying for peace, guidance, wisdom, and various other things over him, and the next week-and-a-half praying specifically for God to let both of us know what to do about the possible relationship. At the same time, Andrew was praying very frequently about what to do about pursuing me, and was wrestling with the idea of letting me know how much he liked me while we were just 16 and 17. On January 13^th, I finally felt the pressing need to pray for it all subside; and on January 14th, 2019, at the end of our second rehearsal for the musical 'Peter Pan', Andrew felt God telling him that the time was right to tell me how he felt about me. Though he was unsure what would happen if he did, he listened to what he believed God was telling him to do, and on a cold Monday evening, with snow outside and next to nobody else around, he told me his thoughts in the café of the church where we met and fell in love at.

I was in so much shock that I was speechless, and instead of telling him any of the hundreds of things that I could have, I told him at the end of the night that I would, “get back to him when I could formulate words better”. Yes, that is a direct quote. I had plans to talk with him about it after choir the next day, and to ask him to wait a year so I could graduate high school first, but Andrew woke up that morning with a bad stomach bug and was unable to come to choir. I was super jumpy the whole day, especially around his sister Samantha who was the choir accompanist, and had no idea what to do next. I was going to talk with my parents about it after dinner that evening, but by the time that rolled around, I was bed-ridden and in seclusion with the same stomach bug Andrew had gotten.

We were each too sick to call, and neither one of us wanted to discuss the elephant in the room over text; so we just went about our week texting each other like we used to, as if nothing had ever gone down between us that Monday. Though it was a miserable and hilarious part of our relationship, all of that time spent in bed gave me time to think and pray about it, and I decided to change my mind on telling him to wait. 

On Monday, January 21^st, I told Andrew how I felt in return, and we went on our first date and became official on January 25^th. We danced through the hardships and joys of life together as boyfriend and girlfriend for the next 2 years, walking through the lowest of valleys and the highest of hills hand-in-hand, and through it all we grew deeper and deeper in love with each other, and above all, with our God. We found that we each possessed the ability to help each other in our faith and growth in ways that we hadn't experienced anyone else help us before, and that we each couldn't imagine our life without the other in it. Though we had known we desired to marry each other “one day” since pretty much the beginning, it wasn't until the COVID-19 crisis of 2020 when God revealed to both of us that “one day” was soon to be "today"...

2 months of not being able to see each other due to quarantine, a month of 6-feet-apart front porch dates, and several more months of mask-wearing dates were easily the most unique, and probably the most impactful, time in our entire dating relationship. We both grew so much, and by the end of that season, we were both ready for the next step.

MANY prayers went up for wisdom, providence, discernment, confirmation, and so on, regarding our relationship, during this time; and, as always, God showed up. He taught Andrew how to be a husband, and me how to be a wife, and we both realized that all along, through every trial we had experienced together that we would never want to do again… God was actually preparing us for the promise.

The engagement...

By December of 2020, we had decided that we were ready to move forward into engagement, with hopes of getting married by the end of 2022, when Andrew would be finishing his last year of college. We prayed about it for over a month, and then felt that we had a confirmation to move forward. 

On May 18^th of 2021, Andrew took me to Faust park, the park where I had spent many years giggling and dreaming as a child; brought me under a red bud tree, like the one we had danced under on the night of Andrew’s senior prom in 2019; got down on one knee; and asked me to marry him. I was happier than I'd ever been, and felt as though I were dreaming. I knew this day was coming, I had suspected since the night before that it would be on that day, and it felt fully natural and normal... and yet, for a moment, fears flashed through my mind. Fears about my health journey that I will not elaborate on in this post, but that has been a struggle for me in every way - mentally and physically - since late 2018. Fears about the unknowns of the future. Fears and grief about feeling continually stuck in my PTSD and anxiety while wanting to soak in every moment of the engagement.

These voices all flashed through my head in an instant, but what overpowered them all was the Voice of The Holy Spirit. I felt this overwhelming sense of peace break the chains of the voices of torment, and it felt like God was speaking to me Himself and saying, "Jaléna... Whatever happens, I'm in control. It's safe to say 'yes'." 

That was enough for me. My flesh was scared, but my spirit was stronger. And my spirit reminded me that even if things were going to go differently from how we wanted them to, God always has better in mind for His children. It was safe to accept this gift, not because I was promised perfect health, a certain number of years with this man, or even our wedding date! But because I could trust that God works out all things for good, even when they don't feel good, and that He promises to walk with us through it all.

The wedding countdown begins...

I gave the biggest smile of my life, I'm fully convinced of that, and said to this gift from God on his knee in front of me, "yes!! Of course I will!!!!" And suddenly, all the voices of fear and doubt melted away, and I felt more free than I had in a long time. Andrew picked me up and spun me around, and I felt as though I were soaring through the air like a free bird, maybe like one of those sparrows that God promises to always look after. His mom, my parents, and his two sisters were there, hiding and taking pictures and video of us, and we ran to greet them as soon as he put me down and placed a ring that I still think was literally taken from my dreams on my finger. After we all talked for awhile, and took some more photos, our families left, and he and I went to a picnic table to process what just happened and to eat some lunch. It rained on us while we were eating, and it had been raining the entire day leading up to that moment. I smiled under the umbrella as the rain poured down around us because it felt as though God was reminding me of another little blessing He was giving us- He cleared the rain away just so that we could get engaged.

The day we had been dreaming of for so long went by so fast, and before we knew it, we had set a date and wedding planning had begun! 

Throughout the 19 months of engagement, from May of '21 to December of '22, we two high school sweethearts have faced several major life changes, as well as several challenges in just about every area you could imagine. We have wrestled with jealousy and impatience. We have been so tired. We have struggled to give grace to the other, and have learned to lean on Jesus for strength to forgive even the most minor of inconveniences. And yet through it all we have seen evidence of the God it is we serve and want to tell the world of. God Who makes beauty from ashes, and hope from pain.

He has always taken care of us, and always proven trustworthy even when we're biting our lips and holding our breaths looking at the present reality and wondering how we're gonna make it. Our engagement season was hard, long, and stressful... but also so beautiful, bright, and good, and worked wonders to prepare us both for the marriage we so eagerly awaited. We wouldn't change a thing, and loved every minute. Yes, even the ones that brought us to our knees in tears. For it was through those tears and on those knees that we discovered God in ways we never would have had things gone the way we planned.

"I do"...

December 17^th of 2022 is the day we have been waiting and praying for since we were 16 and 17. Though we are uncertain what the future holds, or even what this long-dreamed-for day holds, we know Who holds it all, and we know He can ALWAYS be trusted to write your story.

 We are grateful for every trial and every pain that we have worked through and walked through together over these last four years. Because only when love has been tested and proved can you rest in the knowledge that your love is true. Not an emotion, but a choice. And one we’re learning to keep on leaning on Jesus to make every day of our lives. 

Today, I'm a bride. In just a few hours, I will walk the halls of the church we met at, which I now call my own, and will get to see the smiling faces of my four dear sisters who have cheered me on through all of life's battles. I'll get to put on my wedding dress; and will share laughter and memories, and perhaps a few tears, with everyone who is present. I'll get to see my dad look at me all dressed up, knowing that in his eyes I'm still that little girl wearing that pink princess dress that I refused to take off, and asking to dance with him every chance we got. That well-loved dress may have gotten an upgrade, but that little girl's still there. And he'll walk me down the aisle, sharing with me the moment I begged God to let him stay alive for when he was dying in the ICU after suffering a brain bleed stroke in 2019. Except God didn't just let him live, He also made sure that those words they said wouldn't return, and that right side they thought wouldn't be of much use anymore, all were restored. And satan tried to rob that gift from us a week before this day, leaving my dad back in the hospital until Monday the 12th; but God still, in His grace, gave us that moment.

And as I'll be pondering all of these things in my heart, and trying not to cry... I'll see my groom at the end of the aisle, and I'll get to meet his eye. And I'll know deep inside, as all these things take part, that really, this day, my whole life, reflects God's heart. And every hour I spent wondering where He could be, every prayer that I prayed, this whole day He would see! And He knew that if only I chose to hold on, He'd return, though much better, all that once had been gone. 

So today, this bride wanted to share with you her heart. Because I want you to know what led up to today's brand new start. I want you to know just a glimpse of what our God can do. So on this, our wedding day, I pray His love speaks to you.

19

 

February 12th, 2021, the day of my 19th birthday. My oh my how things have changed since my last birthday. Putting myself back in the shoes of the 17-year-old girl who was writing down her thoughts and reflections about turning 18, I had absolutely no idea what the year ahead had in store. Last birthday was pre-lockdown. Last birthday, I was still numb and questioning my faith. Last birthday, I was literally stressing and worrying myself sick, causing me to have all sorts of issues in my digestive system and in my adrenals. Last birthday, I was jobless, collegeless, and had no idea where I would be after the graduation that was coming up in just 3 short months. Last birthday, I was nervous at the thought of adulthood! Last birthday, I was still in highschool. Last birthday, I hadn't yet been chosen to give the speech at my class's graduation ceremony, and had only JUST signed up to audition to do it the night before. Last birthday, I wasn't teaching music or working with a ministry. Last birthday, I had hopes of being engaged by this birthday (my boyfriend knows this and we've had many long discussions about our "plan", so don't anybody out there think that this is a passive aggressive hint, haha!). Last birthday, I was physically losing my voice due to stress causing too much tension and pressure on my vocal cords and upper back/shoulders. Last birthday, meeting with Jesus was more of a chore than a thrill for me. Last birthday, I had shorter hair! Though let's be honest, nobody really noticed 😜. Last birthday, I still had walls up around my heart that were keeping me from fully being able to love and experience the joy of being loved, and was only just starting to let them down (for an example for context, I made my boyfriend wait to tell me he loved me for over a year, and had only just told him 11 days before my 18th birthday that I was finally ready to open up my heart and take a major step towards recovering from being numb by letting myself take the risk of outwardly expressing inward feelings). Last birthday, my friends and the people I was around looked a lot different than they do now, let's just say that much! Last birthday, my words had been slowly fading away, and I thought about stopping writing all together. Last birthday, I was so afraid of what other people thought of me that I hadn't yet taken the time to consider what I thought of me, and more importantly what God thinks of me. Last birthday, I was a kid! And now, here I am, my last birthday as a teenager, and my first time entering a birthday as an adult and not a child. There is SO much more that I could write about what all has changed between last birthday and this one, but I'll keep this short and just say that God's been doing a mighty work. I still have so much to learn, and I'm currently on a long and hard road back to the life of freedom from the chains of my shame and of my memories, but unlike last birthday, I have hope that I'll live to see the beautiful view at the end of this journey. I am SO far from perfect, and I never want anyone to get the impression that I am or that I am trying to be. Sometimes I do admittedly put on a fake sort of "perfection" appearance to cover up how messed up and broken I really am, but I am working to throw that cover away and tap into what it is I really feel, and who it is I really am, once more. Just like that 15-year-old girl did who started sharing her writings, as raw and real as they were, simply because she knew that God speaks to others through the power of relatability. I want to go back to that, for as long as I exist on this earth. I fear every day of my life that something traumatic is going to happen, or that I or someone I love will have a medical emergency and die. I fear walking away from the Truth, and what would happen if I were to grow lukewarm in my faith. I fear what 19 is going to bring, after such a long and hard two years of life have never seemed to end... but despite my fears and humanity, I'm learning every day that God can be trusted. I have so many questions for Him, but I'm learning that He's not afraid to hear them, even if some of His people are. I'm learning that He knows what He's doing, and that I don't deserve His love and protection and grace, but that He gives it freely even when I'm on my face sobbing because I feel the weight of my sin. I'm learning He came to take that weight away, and that nothing is too heavy for Him to hold. I'm learning that perfect Love casts out ALL fear, and that my life is not my own, and my blessings can never be earned. I'm learning that, though at times I feel as though my cup is too much for me, God never makes a mistake in giving us exactly what He knows we can handle- with Him. I'm learning how to dance and sing for Him again. I'm learning how to rest in the confidence that, as my grandfather often said, "the good Lord will take care of me", and everyone I love also. I'm learning how to feel again, and how to take time to process what it is I do feel. I may not be perfect, but what I can tell you is that when I look at myself from this year compared to last year... I see growth. It wasn't an easy growth, but the kind of growth that came through many tears, "whys?", and sleepless nights. I see a peace on my face that wasn't there a year ago. I see a hope in my eyes, and a light that's learning that it has an invitation to break free again. I see a creation that has been formed by God, and that is exactly what and where it is meant to be, and I believe with all of my heart that He will complete the work that He has so beautifully begun in this being. I hope 19 teaches me more and more how to be free, and that by this time next year, when I'm facing 20, I can report that, despite the memories and the things that have tried to drag me down, my God lifted me up out of the pit. Somehow, I believe that that will be my story a year from now, and I will do all that I can to fight to make that story a reality, putting my full trust in the only One Who can truly make it so. I'm happy. I'm not perfect, and I'm not always put together, more often than not I'm a mess just like anybody else... but I'm happy. Because my God is amazing, and I look at my short life and see how merciful and kind He has been to a broken mess like me, who could give Him nothing but a stained and torn heart in return. He makes beautiful things out of brokenness, friends. I want 19 to be the year I share that Truth with every breath I breathe. 

How wonderful life is, scars and pain and all. Our God is bigger, and will never, ever fall. 

Maybe Next Year...

As the new year begins, many of us find ourselves saying, "maybe this will be the year..."

Sure, last year was a challenge for us all, but surely THIS will be the year we've been waiting for. Surely this will bring the freedom, change, hope, and contentment that we longed for 2020 to bring. 

But then, reread that last sentence... we longed for 2020 to bring what we're now longing for 2021 to bring. Many of us entered last new year with the same kind of excitement and hope that we now are entering 2021 with because we witnessed it get quickly crushed in 2020, and we were then left with many unmet desires that we're hoping will be met in 2021. 

But what if they're not? I don't mean to sound depressing, and I truthfully am hoping for exciting change in this new year as well!... but what if we don't get that? What if our desires that we've been expecting 2021 to meet go unmet for another year? Or two? Or three? Or twenty?

What then?

You may be entering this year with a loss. A lot of us are, sadly. 2020 was a year filled with loss and change. Now, many of us enter with some form of grief from our former life, as well as many questions about what to do now. Did 2020 change all of your plans for your future, too? Postpone them? Destroy them? Are you facing life now without a person or a thing that you clung to dearly, and don't know how to do life without?

I know many of you are hoping for answers, positive life circumstance changes, and for hope to finally be proved worth it, and I hope the same for each of you!! But what if this year is harder than the last? What if it's just the same? What if things don't change for the better? What if they don't change at all? 

The problem we face is that we tend to try to control the things beyond our control. We say things like, "maybe this will be the year when I finally get that job", or, "maybe this will be the year I finally get that relationship", or, "maybe this will be the year I finally have a child", or anything else that you can fill in the blank. We focus so much on those hopes that we end up unknowingly putting our hope IN those things rather than in the One Who controls them. If our hope is in anything but Jesus, it will fail. It will disappoint us. We can't even control these things, let alone find satisfaction from them. I know it feels like such a lie when it seems like once these things you're hoping in happen, THEN you will be happy... but you won't be. Not until you search for that happiness right where you are. 

I don't know if this will be the year when your dreams come true, or if this will be another year of disappointment. But what I do know is that a great place to start off this new year, is by putting your hope in Jesus. Focus on His goodness, and in His perfect plan and timing, and focus on changing only the things you can control instead of hoping for the things you can't control to change. Maybe this will be the year when we learn to have joy even when we don't feel happy. Maybe this will be the year when we finally start reading our Bibles again, and the words start to make sense. Maybe this will be the year when we devote our lives to the Lord, and step into all that He has planned for us. Maybe this will be the year when we find freedom from what others think, because this year we're devoting ourselves to only listening to what God thinks. 

I don't know what 2021 will bring for us all... but come what may, I pray that this is the year we find a peace that makes no sense in the middle of all of this chaos. A steadiness of our lives in the middle of the world's earthquake. 

Maybe this will be the year of freedom. 

I'm praying that over everyone reading this today. Welcome to 2021, my friends. Come what may, God is still on the throne.

Take Another Step

I blinked, and now it's the end of 2020, a year that has brought more change and grief to more people than any other year in my lifetime. I look back on the beginning of this year, and it feels like another lifetime ago. I was a senior in highschool, unsure of what the fall was going to bring, who had high hopes for her future. I had no idea what was about to unfold, and neither did the rest of the world. And yet, here we are. 

Everyone has their own story from this year, and their own list of struggles and loses that all took place because of 2020. Whatever your story looks like, was there ever a moment when you just didn't know where to go? Was there a moment in 2020 when you had no idea what step to take in what direction, and you just wanted to skip ahead to the part of the story where it was all made clear to you?

Or maybe that's the place you find yourself now. Maybe you're heading in to this new year, totally uncertain about where to go next, and maybe even filled with fear at the thought of it. If that's you, I just want to encourage you...

I feel ya. 

It's hard not knowing what the road ahead looks like. It's hard when you thought you could see a glimpse of the next destination, but then your path took a turn, and now you have no idea where you're heading. It's scary to walk through the unknown, not recognizing anything around or ahead of you. But no matter how scary it is, or how much we want to just stop walking until the road is made clear, the best thing for any of us to do is to always take another step.

When we can't see what's ahead, the best thing to do is just look for what's one step ahead. Look for the next right step. Not the entire journey's worth of steps, but only the next one... Then the next one... Then the next one... before you know it, the road ahead will become clearer and clearer until you're right where you're meant to be. 

It's a short and simple solution to any problem that feels like the end of the road, but it always works. When you don't know what to do, just do the next right thing. Take the next right step. It may feel like nothing, but in the end, it's those little steps that make up the journey of your life. 

It's not the end of the road, it's only the beginning of a new one. You don't see the whole trail clearly at the beginning; you just see what's right in front of you as you choose to keep walking, one step at a time. As we enter this new year, unsure of what it will bring, let's all choose to walk on, one step at a time. 

We'll see where it is we're going soon.

Look for the Light

There's a quote I found awhile ago that really hit me, and I want to share it with you all today. It says, "We are too prone to engrave our trials in marble and write our blessings in sand". It stuck out to me because of something that I've been feeling laid on my heart lately, and that is a simple sentence that makes up the title of this blog post: look for the light.

I've noticed how many of us tend to forget that there is any good happening whenever something bad occurs in our lives. Whether it be something that's happening, or has happened, to us, someone we love, or in the world around us, it's so easy to let the bad things (the dark) get under our skin, and for it to cause us to forget about all of the good things (the light) in and around us! That doesn't mean that it's wrong to acknowledge the bad and hard things in life, but we have to be watchful to make sure that we don't fall into the trap of forgetting all of the good things by dwelling on the bad stuff. 

I wrote a poem about this on my poetry blog that I want to share on here also. It's short, and maybe you've already seen it, but I feel like it sums up this point really well. 

"Look for the light. No matter how dark the night, or how long and tiring the fight, look for the light. No matter what feels right, or how it doesn't seem very bright, look for the light.

"No matter how scared you are, or when you can't see the stars, there's always a flicker hidden away. No matter how sick you feel, or how hope seems unreal, in the darkness you don't have to stay.

"Breathe in, breathe out, and then do it again. The night's nearly over; this moment will end. Breathe in, breathe out, and just choose to be still. The light is returning; it always will.

"Your story's not over, a miracle's here. There's always one out there. Look for the light, and watch the dark disappear. Fight on, fighter. Look for the light whenever you're down. I promise He's stronger, and He can turn it around.

"He's fighting His way through your darkness of fear. Look for the Light and watch the dark disappear."

If you find yourself facing dark things, I encourage you to look for the light. If you can't even find anything there, look for the Light (Jesus) that lights up all darkness forever. I promise you that it's there. 

What's With the Ring?

I've had many people over the years ask me what the silver ring on my left ring finger is about. I've been wearing it every day since I was about 14, and as I've gotten older, many have mistook it for an engagement ring, or some sort of promise ring. I realize that I've never really explained before what it's about or why I wear it, so I thought I would make a post to answer any questions anyone may have about it. 

 

First off, let me start with a backstory. I grew up in a Christian household. I've believed in God my entire life, and was raised in the church. However, I didn't truly get to know the God I believed in until I was almost 14. I was going through a very lonely time in my life, and decided to turn to Jesus to see if it would help satisfy my longing for companionship. 

I began to get in the Word every day, talk with God as though He were my best friend (telling Him everything and coming to Him anywhere), cleaning out all of the entertainment and things in my life that were not glorifying to Him, really listening in church, looking for God-honoring friends and role models, and started trying to use every gift, interest, and breath I had to give God glory. It wasn't an instant fix, but the beginning of a beautiful and fulfilling journey. 

 My dream since I can remember has been to get married by 21, have a bunch of kids, live out somewhere with lots of land, and just be a big, musical, Jesus-loving, homeschool family. Sounds cheesy, I know, but that's the life that I've wanted for years, and I especially looked forward to it at 14. When I was looking for new role models who glorified God with their lives, I found many Jesus-loving women, couples, and families who I noticed were different. I didn't know why, but when I was looking to find out, I discovered that the reason why is because they all pursued purity with their lives. Not just virginity until marriage, but the kind of true purity that we are all called to pursue as Christians, whether or not we are virgins. 

I dug deeper into this idea, and started to see what a difference it makes in one's life when they are pursuing living a life that is pure and holy in God's sight, in public and behind closed doors, and I started trying to live a life like that. However, I still longed deeply for the day when I would be married or engaged, and I wanted something as a reminder that I could live a life to the full even as an unmarried teenager, and something to remind me that I am not alone, and to help me take my mind off of how deeply I wanted to be with someone one day. 

I found out that there was such a thing called "purity rings" that some Christian girls would wear until they were married and no longer virgins. While I liked the idea of waiting until marriage, and of having a special ring to wear to remind you of your commitment to do so, I also had issues with the stereotype of it all. I saw many put so much pressure on simply waiting, that they failed to get to the depths of what true purity is (which is SO much more than just being a virgin), and many didn't touch on the fact that we are called to pursue purity even after we are married. I wanted to pursue purity with my life, and I also wanted to wait until marriage. I didn't want to do one without the other, and I didn't want to spread one message but not the other by my decision to wear a purity ring. 

I thought and prayed about it a lot, and then decided to go through with it and purchase a ring, to serve as the reminders that I needed that I am not alone, and that I am committed to God first and foremost even if I never do get married. However, the ring that I purchased is a promise ring by title, not a traditional "true love waits" purity ring. I don't have anything wrong with those rings, but again, I just wanted to remember that my decisions to pursue purity with my life, and to wait until marriage, are rooted in my commitment to God, and nothing else. I want to respect and honor my future husband because I know he is God's child, and I respect and honor my King first. I want my future husband to be the only man I give myself to, out of respect for him, but ultimately out of respect for God! Because I know that that is how He designed it to be in the beginning. Does that mean that I see myself as "holier than thou", or that I judge others who have not made that decision? No. That ruins the point. It means that I wear this ring as a reminder that I am just as dirty and sinful as anyone else, without the precious blood of Christ washing me white as snow. I wear this ring as a reminder that He is with me wherever I go, and that I can experience the depth of His love even without a man's. I wear this ring as a reminder that I am married to Jesus above all else, and that I will follow Him for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, for better or for worse, for as long as I live. 

This ring is my reminder that, even though I am unmarried, I still have a commitment to Jesus, and that will not change even once I am married. When I am married, this ring will be replaced, but my mission remains the same. I am called to honor God with my thoughts, work, actions, words, gifts, body, and everything else, and that will never change. 

So there you have it! That's what my ring is all about. It sounds kinda silly, I know, but it's a precious reminder to me of my commitment to the One I owe everything to, and I love wearing it. Though I eagerly await the day when I will be wearing an engagement ring with a wedding band, I cherish these days when the only One I'm committed to for forever is the One Who loves me more than anyone else, and knew me from the beginning of time. It is only with His help that I will one day be able to commit forever to another flawed human like myself, and only with His help that I will be able to be washed white time and time again for the rest of my life whenever I mess up, and truly be able to live the life of purity which I am called to. 

Nothing but the blood of Jesus can make us pure. No matter what we've done, or how many times we make mistakes, He is always willing to take us back with open arms if we are willing to turn from our distractions and return to Him. Only He knows what is best for us, and only with Him will we find the deep satisfaction and companionship that we desire. I hope and pray that everyone reading this today, whether they agree with all I said or not, will come to know the deep, incredible, rich love and grace of Jesus. 

There truly isn't anything else like it.

One Day...

"One day, I'll have my own space and be able to do whatever I want with it, and then I'll be happy..."

"One day, I'll get a boyfriend, and then I'll be happy..."

"One day, I'll have a job, and then I'll be happy..."

"One day, I'll have a pet to keep me company, and then I'll be happy..."

"One day, I'll find good friends I can count on, and then I'll be happy..."

"One day, I'll be married, and then I'll be happy..."

"One day, I'll have children of my own, and then I'll be happy..."

"One day, I'll be graduated, and then I'll be happy..."

"One day... and then I'll be happy", "I may not be content where I am NOW, but I know I will be one day".

How many times, if we're being honest, have we thought this same thing? I can give plenty of examples from my own life of times when I've been looking to "one day" as my source of contentment or happiness. There are so many moments in my life where I have been just existing from day to day, waiting to truly live until "one day" when everything would somehow magically be ideal, and I would transform into a content, happy, peaceful, joy-filled woman. 

In fact, my "one day" for most of my middle and high school years was the day I would become a girlfriend, get a job, have friends who stick by me and encourage me and pray for me no matter what, become an adult, graduate from student life, and start life on my own. Pretty much... exactly the life I live now. And yet, I've come to realize a truth that honestly really surprised me even though I had heard many other people say it before... one of these days will be your "one day"; and then it'll go by, and you'll wake up the next day, and then the next day, and then the next day, and then the next day... time keeps on moving, and if you hold back from truly living your life to the full wherever you are now, and refuse to work hard at learning how to be content in your present circumstances even if they aren't desirable, then you will wake up the day after "one day" and realize that you're just as unsatisfied as you were before. 

You see, the truth of it is that "one day" is just that- one day. It comes and it goes, and then your life moves on like before. As much as you wish you could pause time, it seems to instead fly by faster on the days you wish you could freeze forever. Time keeps on moving, life keeps on going, we develop new dreams and "one day" hopes, and then we reach those, too; and before we know it, our dreams are all memories. It's a seemingly sobering statement, but it doesn't have to be. 

Think about it. If the days we so look forward to right now are truthfully just days that will come and go, then don't these days we're in currently have a unique beauty to them worthy of allowing ourselves to enjoy? Doesn't that mean that the anticipation is part of what makes the fulfillment valuable? 

We can never go back and change a memory. We can never go back to the way things were before once "one day" is in the past. We will never be able to dream of what could be anymore, but will instead find ourselves reflecting on what already was. So in these days of longing and waiting, why don't we allow ourselves to enjoy the beauty of the anticipation of "one day", instead of constantly wishing we could just skip to it? Why don't we let ourselves daydream here and there, learn all we can from those who have already traveled through the seasons of life we long for, and let ourselves be who we are made to be right now? Why don't we focus on growing stronger, braver, deeper in faith, less selfish, more humble, alive and awake? 

We aren't promised anything in life, not even our next breath. We aren't entitled to anything, and truthfully we already have more than we deserve. Though it's not wrong to long for a dream to come true, and all of us will experience times of struggle in the waiting, there is so much to be thankful for right now, and a beauty in life out there waiting to be discovered that won't get any more or less beautiful once "one day" comes.

You may not be where you long to be yet, but you're closer than you were yesterday. And with every breath, every step, every minute, and every day, you are nearing the reality of the life you're working for and dreaming of. Let that truth encourage you to make the most of every day. You may not be where you wish you were, but my friend, you're on your way. 

Don't forget to enjoy the scenery as you travel through this life. <3

Letting Go

At my work, I sit by a wall of windows with a clear door for most of the day. Looking out those windows, across the street, are a bunch of trees. Week after week, I've been watching these trees slowly start to change colors with the fall. It's been such a slow process, that I often overlook just how much has truly changed, because it just isn't all that noticeable when it's little by little. However, this past week... I noticed. 

You see, my family and I have been in a tough season for the past two years now. Lately, I've been feeling as though God has been saying to my heart that it's finally time for a new season. The change was barely noticeable, only little by little and day by day, and just when we thought things were getting better... this past Monday, my grandpa passed away. It was a peaceful passing, after a tough and long battle with so many different things, and he was finally able to be reunited with his "blue-eyed bride" who passed away two years ago in December... but even though it was something that he was ready for, and something that we all had a lot of time to prepare for, and that put him out of his misery, the loss of a loved one is never easy. I found out the news as I was heading out the door to go to work, and spent the rest of the day in a weird sort of dream-like daze, not knowing if anything was really happening. 

I was talking with God all day, and asking Him to help me process things and help me see what He was trying to say... and then I noticed the trees that I'd been watching every week. Suddenly, they were all completely changed. The colors were vibrant, and everything was so noticeably, beautifully different. I felt as though God was saying to me, "Do you see that? It's new now. It's a new season. I'm paving the way for new life to come. Do you believe that everything is going to be okay? And that it's time to let go?". 

Life is honestly all about letting go. Time goes on, and we're letting go of something every moment. You'd think it'd be something super easy for us to do, since we're faced with it every day... and yet probably the hardest thing to do in this life is to let go. Whether it's letting go of a loved one, a shattered dream, a relationship, fear, control, or anything else, letting go is hard, painful, and undesirable. The thought of it all led me to write a short poem in my journal that I wanted to share with you all today. 

"The seasons never fail to change right when their time has come. And yet, I don't trust my God to change my seasons, too, even though I see each day the many things He's done. What sense is that? To not surrender to an ever-loving and faithful King? If I trust in Him to change my seasons, new life He will always bring. I think the key lies in a gift called by the name 'free will'. The seasons change, but they have no choice, I have to choose to let go even still. I have to choose to let my leaves fall down, not knowing what will happen. I have to choose to rise above the fear I'm feeling rather trapped in. It's all my choice to hold on alone, or let go, walking on with Him. I choose to choose the latter, and I'm ready now to watch life grow from within."

Letting go is so hard, and something that we each have to do again and again every single day. But we can rest in the truth that when God has us let go of something, or someone, He will never leave us there. He will walk with us every step of the way, and He will bring new life from our hardest seasons. 

God is with us in every season of letting go. Though it's so hard and painful, and often scary, and we don't know what will come... He knows. He's got us all under the covering of His loving arms, and He won't ever let us go. 

Even when we're letting go.

May we never let go of Him no matter what else falls away. 

I love you, grandpa. Thank you so much for living your life to honor Christ, serving with all of your heart, and loving your wife, kids, grandkids, great-grandkids, and every other person God put in your path faithfully and fully. We're all better people because of you, and so thankful to God for your life and legacy. I cannot wait to see you and grandma again, and get to worship Jesus with you both by my side once more. Until that day, I can only hope and pray that my life will be able to point up to Jesus as much as yours did. Thank you for everything. I'll see you in a little while. 

Legacy Leaving

 Lately, I've been reading in the Chronicles and in the Kings as part of my Bible reading. I must confess that I don't normally read in those books, simply because I quite frankly have trouble finding books like that interesting, since pretty much all they're doing is going through the lives and legacies of the royal families and rulers of Israel and Judah. I only read these books when I'm reading all the way through the Bible (usually once every few years or so), and typically have to sort of force myself to push through them before getting to the "good stuff" that lies beyond. Well, as I've been forcing myself to read through them this time, the Holy Spirit laid something on my heart that I felt laid to share in this post.

As I was reading chapter after chapter about each person's story, reading details about their lives and characters, it suddenly hit me... all of these people were people just like me. 

I know that sounds obvious, but the thought just hit me like a rock because I realized that, some day, people will be reading MY life and legacy in some way or another. We may not all have scribes to write down details about our lives and characters for a book to go down to thousands of generations of people all over the world, but all of us have a life story that will one day be read by others in its full. Some day, someone will read our journals, see the notes on our phones, stalk back on our social media posts, go through old photos, and tell others about us as they saw us. Does that thought make any of you uncomfortable? Because it sure makes me uncomfortable sometimes! But as I thought about this more, I asked myself why that thought made me feel that way, and I realized the reason why is because I was ashamed of the legacy I was leaving behind. 

And I'm not talking just wishing that I could burn some old journals from middle school so that nobody would ever have to read all about 13-year-old Jaléna's crushes and interests (though I often ask myself why on earth I ever wrote down the things that I did at 13, or even thought them in general!), I'm talking about the legacy that I'm living right now. 

I thought about how someone would describe me one day, and about how my story was looking like it would stay if I didn't turn back to the Lord... and it looks a little something like this: "Jaléna gave her life to Christ at 15, and did what was right in the eyes of the Lord, serving Him with all her heart. But then she was faced with difficulty, and she turned away from Him; ignoring His voice, ignoring the opportunities of greatness that were in front of her, and allowing the anxiety and trauma to rule her life for the remainder of her days." 

Ouch. Not a story I ever want to be associated with my life. 

Once I realized this painful reality, I began to realize that I needed to let God take over writing my story, and let Him change the direction I was heading. 

I want my story to look more like this: "Jaléna gave her life to Christ at 15, and did what was right in the eyes of the Lord, serving Him with all of her heart for the rest of her days. She was faced with many trials and much pain, but she never let it overtake her. She dealt with great fear, but she never let it rule over her. She knew Who was King over her life, and she fought with the full armor of God until her last breath. She used every opportunity God gave her, and lived her life on a mission to share the love of Christ, and to show the world a Christian who was different from the others, making everyone feel like somebody, and walking in humility and wisdom". 

I must confess, I feel a little awkward typing that last paragraph as if it is true, because I simply don't see any of that in myself. But that is the life I want to live, and that is the legacy I want to leave. I don't want others to praise me, but I want others to see Christ in and through me, and say about me that I only ever pointed up to Him in absolutely every area of my life. 

Do I live like that now? I honestly don't know. I don't see it in myself, but that is the legacy I want to leave. Even if I don't see it ever this side of Heaven, thinking about the legacy I want to leave fills me with a great passion and desire to fight for it even when I feel too weak. In our weakness, He is strong. And that is what I want my legacy to look like. That is what I want others to say about me long after I am gone, that I was weak but all who knew me could tell that Christ was strong through me. 

That is the legacy I pray we all would leave. And the legacy that we have the chance to live right here and now, no matter what direction our stories currently look like they're heading. 

Let's go show the world something powerfully different. Let's go show them Jesus. 

Cover Your Ears

On Labor Day this year, there was an incident regarding broiling some hot dogs and our smoke detector... Everything was fine, but until we could get the smoke detector to realize that there was no fire, it set off this LOUD alarm that cut through every wall and room of the house. It went off for several minutes, with the patterned "BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!" ringing out each time, until it finally realized that all the smoke was gone and there was nothing to alert us of. However, after the last "BEEP!" faded away, I noticed that my left ear was still ringing along with the pattern of the beeps. I could still hear a faint beeping, even though it wasn't going off physically anymore, simply because I had not covered my ears to protect them from the after effects while the noise was occurring. I assumed that, though it was loud, I was far enough away that I wouldn't need to (I had been in a different room). 

When the ringing carried on for the next few days, I began to wish I had covered my ears when I still had the chance to protect them. 

Now, for those of you who are concerned, don't worry. It faded away eventually. But the whole thing made me realize something that hit me pretty hard... It felt as though the Holy Spirit was convicting me that I needed to "cover my ears" because of something other than an alarm...

I realized that, in the same way the loud beeping had left my ears ringing with the rhythm for the next few days, I had lies ringing through my mind simply because I had not been mindful to "cover my ears" to prevent them. I was allowing my mind to dwell on thoughts like "it's hopeless", "you're not good enough", "God doesn't really care about you", "you're never going to be able to be free", "your prayers aren't being heard", "God can't forgive you for that", "God's punishing you", "doing this sin just this once won't hurt anything", "God can't help you out of this one", and so on and so forth. Instead of using the power of the Holy Spirit to "cover my ears" when I heard the first lie, and to tell those lies the truth found in Scripture, I had let these lies take over my mind, and I was finding it hard to focus on anything else. 

I had wasted so much of my time listening to these lies, and believing them to the point of constantly being in a state of hopelessness, and as I said in my last post, feeling abandoned by and distant from God. I never would've realized it without the Holy Spirit, but I truly was ignoring the Truth simply because I had ALLOWED the voices telling me lies to dwell in my mind. Because I didn't just cover my ears, and rebuke those lies in the name of Jesus, the moment I FIRST recognized them, they multiplied and made a home in me that they know full well they should by no means be doing to a child of God. They saw an opportunity and took it, and it led me to over a year's worth of mental battles that could've all been avoided had I simply covered my ears. 

I write this to encourage those of you who are reading to really take seriously the things that are being put into you, and the thoughts that are floating around your mind. Have you been listening to some lies lately? Do you find yourself thinking things that are opposite of the Truth? Do you allow yourself to listen to, read, or watch things that are helping the lies look more and more like truth? 

Though we will never be able to get rid of the noise of the lies entirely in this life, we have the choice whether or not we're going to let them damage us. We have a choice whether or not we're going to listen to them, and let them stay in us. God promises to always provide a way out of temptation, as well as freedom if we resist the devil, and if we seek His face and the way out. 

It's not too late to fight back the lies with Truth. No matter how long they've been ringing through your mind, and no matter how much damage they've caused, there is hope and freedom if you choose to seek it and cling to it. It's a daily choice that we have to make, and it isn't always easy... but it is SO worth it. 

 I want to close today by taking a few moments to speak some truths over you all that some of you may be in need of hearing. I encourage you to speak these over the lies you face in life, and to constantly cling to them even when you don't believe that they are true. 

For those who believe that you are worthless, I tell you the truth that you are valuable and loved (Psalm 139:14, Isaiah 43:4).

For those who believe that you are trapped forever, I tell you the truth that there is freedom still for you (John 8:36, John 10:10).

For those of you who believe that you are unable to do something, or that your illness or anxiety or anything else will always bring you down to the point where you can't accomplish what you're made to, I tell you the truth that you can do ALL things through Christ's strength (Philippians 4:13).

And for those of you who believe that your circumstance is impossible, and that God can't redeem... I tell you the truth that nothing is impossible for God (Matthew 19:26).

There are thousands of other verses that you can find to speak over whatever lies come your way, and I encourage you all to dive in to God's Word and seek out those verses for your specific battle. And remember that sometimes the devil will try to twist Scripture at you, in order to get you to believe his lies. That's why we need to make a habit to get in the Word as often as we can, so that we know other Scriptures that prove that his twisting is a lie in disguise. 

All Scripture is God-breathed, and it is true to the very depth of it. Our feelings will lie to us, society will lie to us, and even sometimes our friends and family will lie to us, because the devil wants to use any chance he can get to get us to listen to him, so he will try his best to make every one of his lies sound as true as possible. But ultimately, what God says is Truth. He will never lie to us. We just have to choose to believe that, even when the noise is ringing loud all around us. 

Will you choose to listen to the voice of Truth today? I promise you, He will never let you down. 

Meaning In the Mundane

When I was a little girl (and honestly even still!), I would ALWAYS have a countdown going, counting down to the next exciting thing happening. Whether it was a countdown for a family vacation, for Christmas, for a dance recital, or even for my birthday, I was constantly counting down to something exciting, and the countdown is what kept me going through the time of waiting. I've found my motivation in looking forward to the next thing since I was small, and this part of my personality has become incredibly evident throughout the course of 2020. Why? Because, though I did not usually have a physical countdown anymore, when I watched the things I was mentally counting down to start to get rescheduled or canceled one by one, I began to realize that I was no longer waking up every morning with excitement for the day ahead. It took extra work for me to find motivation to even just do my work for each day, and as someone who has been extremely self-motivated for the last 18 years... this came as quite the shock to me. 

I started trying to figure out why I was no longer motivated to do pretty much anything, and after months of soul-searching and talking things through, I found out the connection between my motivation and my natural future-based excitement for life. Without my countdowns, I didn't see much of a reason to do anything anymore. That may sound strange, but I honestly believe that several people out there can relate to that. 

I recently read the classic 'Man's Search For Meaning'. In it, a point is made that all humankind needs a reason to keep going, a meaning for life if you will. Whatever it may be for you, we all need a "mission" in this life, otherwise we feel as though it has no meaning. 

So what happens when we can't seem to find any mission? What happens when there is nothing to count down to in the near future? When we're moving from one season to the next, but we're not quite settled in to our new home yet?

Well, the answer is simple. We either crash and burn, facing every day with hopelessness and complaining... or we begin to search for meaning in the mundane. 

I realized something powerful a few weeks back, when I was thinking about this topic and beginning to type down my thoughts on it all. I realized that, these exciting moments I had spent my entire life counting down to?... They're not even where most of my life is going to be lived in. They go by in an instant, they're often just one day to a week out of my entire life... and then they're over. The future quickly becomes a memory, and then guess where I find myself again?

The mundane, every day moments of life. 

I would go so far as to say probably 80% of life is lived in the day-to-day. Once I realized this reality, I entered a bit of a crisis. "You mean I won't just suddenly be happy and feel like I have meaning once the season/event/day I'm looking forward to happens unless I find out how to be content and live with meaning NOW???" I asked myself. And the truth of it is, yes! You won't just magically become content once your circumstances change. You won't just magically become the woman or man you want to be once you get the job you want, live in the area you've been eyeing, get married (or enter into a relationship), have children, graduate, you name it. Unless you work on it NOW, even though you don't feel like it, it's not going to happen then.

But how do we find meaning in the mundane? What is our purpose in the overwhelming, stressful, routine, day-in, day-out seasons of life? Well, I can't answer that for you. Honestly, I have trouble answering it for myself most days! But I can help encourage you to find your own answers for that by offering a few tips that have been so helpful in my own battle finding purpose and contentment again. 

The first is, do your best to soak in absolutely every moment. Take a breath in and a breath out, and do your best to leave your worries at the feet of Jesus. If you're talking with somebody, be totally present with them. Listen to them. Put your phone away, stop letting the worries about how your life is going to look tomorrow cloud the back of your mind, and just let yourself enjoy every moment of every conversation. If you're taking a walk, or going for a drive, or even just taking a shower or doing work around the house, try not to think about anything besides what's happening around you, or what you're doing in that moment. You only get every second once, so do your best to soak in even the seconds you don't exactly want to stick around. When being present becomes your "mission", you start to realize that often the little things that you overlooked (the jobs you do, the relationships and friendships you have, and so on) have great value. 

The second can be a bit tricky at times, and especially at first... but it is, do your best to find something to be thankful for in every moment. Often times, the reason we're wishing our routine days away is because we're taking them for granted. We're not happy where we are, and we want it to end as soon as possible. When you focus on things to be thankful for, rather than complain about, you start to shift your perspective on your life as a whole, even if you don't realize it right away. When thankfulness is your "mission", you start to see that life truly does have great meaning. 

The last tip I have is something that is extremely difficult for many adults to do, but goes hand-in-hand with tip number two... and it is, be unashamed to be excited about even the little things in life, and try to keep a positive outlook, even if people look down on you for it. Deep down, I believe everyone respects adults (or teenagers!) who still have an enthusiasm about life even after experiencing the ugly parts of it. That childlike joy and light is desired in many, if not all, of us. I know this is so hard to do, especially the older we get and the more it seems the people around us expect us to be negative, super serious, and discouraged. But I challenge you to find something, anything, that ignites your childlike joy (we all have it buried within us), and then work your way up to finding more things until it becomes a habit. Whether it be having a dance party to your favorite songs, and just letting yourself forget all other worries and responsibilities for a few minutes, or just needing to pause and smile while eating your favorite dessert or breakfast, do your best to make it a habit to search for the little things in life that make you feel alive and motivate you. When childlike joy becomes your "mission", you start to see how beautiful and fun life can really be, even in the day-to-day.

Above all, remember that, in Christ, every moment has meaning. And even Jesus lived 33 years on this earth before His ministry began in a formal way, which brought Him many more exciting and eventful days. He knows exactly how you feel. But as long as you are on this earth, every second matters. You have work here to do, and, as a friend so beautifully told me once, the most important things in this life (i.e. faith, relationships with family and friends, etc.) are grown deeper, and experienced most, in these every day moments. Think back on some of your favorite memories from childhood and beyond. Were most of them made in the average, everyday life you live? Every day has meaning in Christ, because every day provides an opportunity to experience and grow the most important things that will last us for eternity. 

The things of this earth don't last forever. Eventually, it will all fade away. If we try to find fulfillment in these things, it won't work. What will last forever is Heaven. We have the chance to help guide souls towards that eternal destination every single day, by loving as Jesus loved, serving as He served, providing wisdom when we're asked, and showing them something different that gives them hope and plants a seed. Even if that day the only soul that was steered closer to Heaven was our own, Heaven throws a celebration for that! That is what's most important in life. Faith, hope, and love. That's what brings us meaning, even in the every day moments of life. That's what we have the chance to experience even in the here and now. And the memories we make living this out will one day be the ones we look back on with a smile on our faces and fondness in our hearts. Not the memories where we spent going through the motions, or focusing on our own worries and stress trying to get it all done. The moments when we loved deeply, served selflessly, worshiped wholeheartedly, and let the joy of the Lord flood our hearts. I pray that we all would find more moments like those in life. Because truly... those moments are what it's all about this side of Heaven.