Do the Impossible

I could feel my heart beating harder and harder.
The shaking and cold-sweats had begun.
My stomach felt uneasy.
My breathing grew shallow.
I felt light-headed and a little sick...

I was up next to go on stage in front of a hundred or so people and sing for them.
As much as I love to sing, doing it with everyone watching me sends me into full-on panic attacks every time.

And yet, I'm a performer.

The reason why? Well, let me tell you another story...

I remember a time when I wasn't afraid.
In fact, as a little girl, I used to LOVE making people laugh.

I would have so much fun as the center of attention, and others would experience my joy with me when I would share my gifts with them.
I would sing, dance, act, do impressions, you name it.
It didn't matter how big the crowd was, I just loved sharing joy with people.

As I got older, the excitement came along with some nerves.
The enemy began to whisper lies in my head that I wasn't good enough, and that nobody enjoyed my performances.
My confidence was destroyed, and it took me about two years of voice lessons and playing ensemble roles in musicals before I finally started to get it back again.

The summer before my sophomore year in high school, God changed my life by proving to me that all the lies I believed were wrong.
I decided that it wasn't about me, and I wanted to perform for my King with everything I had in me from there on out.

I worked harder than I'd ever worked in my life, and stopped worrying about what other people thought of me.
I was performing for my Audience of One, and His opinion was the only one that mattered to me.

The enemy saw that his attacks at me had failed, so he tried a different approach to keep me from sharing God's joy with the world:

Anxiety and panic attacks.

I've dealt with slight anxiety for a majority of my life, but it never seemed to affect me on stage too much.
I noticed the change when I got my first lead in the musical 'Oklahoma' at the beginning of my junior year in high school.
While I was on stage, doing a scene for it, a panic attack hit me.

All I was supposed to do was sit still and react to a character's solo.
It should've been the scene that made me the LEAST nervous, but for some reason that's when it hit me.

I started freaking out because I didn't know what was wrong with me.
All that I knew was that I was suddenly feeling faint, sick, and out-of-breath.
I fought it back until the scene ended and I was able to go to the back of the stage, in the shadows, to prepare for my upcoming solo in the scene to follow.
As I stood there, I took a second to say a quick prayer and try to calm down.
Thankfully, panic attacks don't last that long (though it feels like an eternity), and I was calm enough to complete the show; but that experience was only the beginning.

After that, every audition, choir performance, play, musical, solo, and even sometimes worship on Sundays (I'm on the worship team) came with more dread than excitement. I was so afraid that I'd experience another panic attack, that I let the fear take over my joy.
After battling it for about seven months, I was praying about it and felt it laid on my mind to look up symptoms of a panic attack. That's when I discovered what it was, and an instant realization came over me:

This was an attack from my enemy.

He tried taking me down with lies that I wasn't good enough. When that failed, he had to come up with a stronger plan so he started attacking me with anxiety and panic.
I hate to say it, but it worked for a LONG time.

Too long.

He knew my eyes were fixed on my King, so he started trying everything he could to block my view.

But now?...

I'm done letting him win.

I've given him a foothold for far too long.
Yes, I'm terrified, but my God would not have given me the opportunities and gifts that He has given me if I were not supposed to use them.

My God is greater, stronger, and higher than the darkness ever will be.

At the mention of His name, it all has to flee.
So though I stood beside that stage with panic in my soul...
I took a breath and told myself that God is in control.
I sang for my Creator, and chose to prove fear wrong...
And now I choose to do it again, each day of my lifesong.

Whatever's holding you back today, I want you to know that it is a weapon formed against you.
But here's the great news:

We win.