Real Talk

When I started this blog, and my YouTube channel, I made it a goal to be real.
I wanted to be honest and open with you guys, and share real experiences; real thoughts; real struggles; real life. 
Even when it's hard, and maybe not all that pretty, I want to be truthful with what's happening, because I never know when somebody may need to know that they're not alone.

I realized, over the past few weeks, that I have been wandering from that goal a bit. 
It's not that I haven't been honest with you all... It's just that I've been sort of picking and choosing what I write about, rather than taking it to prayer, and sharing exactly what I feel laid on my heart to.
No matter how hard... No matter how ugly.

I think we, as Christians, tend to get this image in our heads of the "perfect" believer. 
We try to live up to this unrealistic expectation of a sinless saint, and feel the need to cover up every thing that disqualifies us from that.

Here's the deal... I don't want to appear like I fit that position.
I don't want to remain silent about something, that I feel God tugging at my heart to share, just because I'm afraid of what people will think of me.
Because, yeah, there will be some people who judge... 
But you know what?
There will also be somebody who needs to hear that. 
Like I said in the beginning of this post, there will be somebody who needs to know that they're not alone.

So, I'm gonna recommit to being real with you all. 
The good, the bad, the ugly... It's all going up, as I walk through it. 
And if you're ever somebody who finds they can relate to something I said, well then, take heart in the fact that you're not walking through this alone.

And on that note... 
Let's have some real talk.

Last week, I was talking with a friend, and the topic of relationships got brought up. 
This friend of mine knows someone that I've got my eye on (that is such a creepy way of putting it, wow) a bit better than I, so I decided to be bold, and ask the question I've been wondering for about a year and a half... 

"Do you know if ______ knows that I like him?"

Though they weren't certain, they told me they honestly thought he knew. So, I got even bolder...

"Do you think he's like... Weirded out about it?"

They told me no, and they thought he was okay with it... 
Glimmer of hope ignited.
So I went on nervously blabbing about how I didn't want to make him uncomfortable, or feel weird or anything, and how I'm always worried that the guy I like will catch on and then feel awkward and blah, blah, blah... 
Then my friend reluctantly said, "Honestly... I think it's like... 'I'm honored.... but I don't feel the same way.' Which is better!... But it doesn't really make it easier."
Glimmer of hope destroyed.

It stung, but I got it. And honestly... I had been praying for so long just to know, I was glad to finally have an answer. 
But my friend's right, it doesn't make it easier. 
And honestly, that's life. The hard parts of life, filled with things we don't want to share. 
The parts where you cry, and you're hurt, and you feel like you're the only one in the universe who's going through this... 
That's why I want to have some real talk. Because we hear all the time about all the wonderful sides of life, but when things are hard?... Silence consumes it. 

If you can relate to that, you're not alone. 
If you're looking at a hard side of life right now, you're not alone.
But you know what?
There's hope.

I did cry a little that night, not gonna lie... 
I felt this thought screaming at me, saying, "even a guy like that, who's looking for a girl LIKE you... can't LIKE you." And it hurt. 
But I felt this unshakable voice saying to me, "Jaléna... You HAVE to trust Me."
Then I stumbled across a verse in Ecclesiastes which says, 

"Cast your bread upon the waters, for after many days you will find it again." -Ecclesiastes 11:1

And I realized... Bread is brought up many times in the Bible, usually used as an example of what you need to survive. 
Casting your bread upon the waters is a symbol of completely trusting God, and surrendering your needs and desires to Him. 
But you know something? He is the Bread of Life.
He is all we need. He will provide, no matter what we give away, and it will come back to us, better than anything we ever could've imagined, if we're willing to give it away indefinitely.

I've gone through the whole, "I like guy. Guy doesn't like me. Sadness. Move on." Thing more than once in my life, and truthfully, it's hard sometimes. 
But I don't believe that God lets us encounter people in vain.
I don't believe He controls our emotions, and I believe we have a choice... 
But I don't believe any one of my silly little crushes has occurred with no lessons to take away. 
Here's this one: "Wait for the Lord. Be strong, and take heart, and wait for the Lord." -Psalm 27:14 
It's okay for life to sting sometimes, but wait for the Lord. 
It's okay to find somebody attractive, but wait for the Lord. 
It's okay to desire something, but be willing to surrender it indefinitely... Then wait for the Lord.

I promise you, He will never let you down. 
Just check out Psalm 40:1, a few chapters later. 

"I waited patiently for the Lord. He turned to me and heard my cry." -Psalm 40:1

Be strong.