My Own Worst Critic

Confession time: I have a hard time watching/listening to myself.
As a performer, I know that sounds crazy, but I genuinely can't enjoy watching my own performances the way I can for others.
I'm constantly amazed by how gifted my cast mates are... but all I see when I watch myself is what I could've done better. 

I think the reason it's hard for me is because I know what was going through my head in that moment. I know when my acting was being faked, and what I was thinking throughout every scene.
I can see the times when I was struggling to make it through a scene or song; the times I was watching somebody else in a dance because I wanted to make sure I stayed in sync; the fear I was fighting hard to bury while singing a solo... And even though I know the audience couldn't tell, it makes no difference to me because I can. 

I see my faults.
I see my thoughts. 
I see my mistakes.
And it's hard for me to offer grace to myself for it.

I've never watched a performance DVD where I have a main role before. 
This Monday, I received three from this year. 
I was honestly a little nervous about watching them, because I had no idea how I would react, but I did anyway, and honestly?... I didn't hate it.

I've been realizing, over the course of this past school year, that I really am my own worst critic. 
When I focus on my faults and failures, I don't have any fun, and what glory does that bring God?
What does it say about my Jesus if I can't even forgive myself?
If I live like my mistakes define me, what does that say about the God I claim to love?

The truth is, I'm not the only one who sees every mistake I make, no matter how small or well hidden.
God knows. He can see when I'm faking it. He knows when I mess up. He sees it all, and yet He offers me endless grace for it. 
My mistakes are not as important to Him as my heart. 
And if He can see me the way I do, down to the very depths of my being, and still offer that same amount of grace?... Why can't I?

If I can cheer on my peers, and say, "YOU GOT THIS!" When they mess up...
If I can enjoy watching them perform, and love seeing them shine in life...
Why can't I do it for myself?
Why do I refuse to believe I can do God well in using the gifts He's blessed me with?

So I watched the DVDs as if I wasn't watching myself.
I watched them as if I were in the audience, watching one of the "big kids", one of my friends, or even watching a stranger, perform. 
And while there were still some things I cringed at, I found I actually was able to enjoy it. 

It's really a shame no man can see himself through the eyes of another. 
Because really, I think we'd all be pretty amazed to discover that things are rarely what we make them out to be.

There is grace that abounds, waiting to be found. 
And yes, that is still true for you.