Those of you who know me well are probably asking right now, "*pfft* A BIT of a control freak???" It's true, I like doing things my way, I like everyone doing things my way, it's hard for me to not be in control of something.
This week, God has really been graciously opening my eyes to my tendency to want to cling to the pen writing my life story with everything in me. I know He is a much better author than I'll ever be, I know verses like Jeremiah 29:11 and Psalm 37:4 that tell me God knows the plans He has for me, plans to prosper me and not to harm me, and that if I delight myself in Him, He will give me the desires of my heart... But deep in my heart, I have this toxic way of thinking that says His plans for me will lead to me not being as happy as I could be if I wrote it myself.
Maybe in the end I'll be happy and like the way He wrote my story... But in my heart I shamefully believe that I would be much happier if I take control over my own story.
I might KNOW His plans are better for me, but I don't believe it. Or rather, I have trouble believing it a majority of the time.
It's pride.
It's selfishness.
It's sin.
And I struggle with this sin on a daily basis.
I'm a writer, (can you tell?) I love letting my imagination run wild, and putting on paper parts of the world swimming around in my mind.
I truly believe God gives all of us gifts, and that my crazy imagination, and love for deep thinking, are given by Him to be used for good, and to pull me closer to Him.
But I also believe that these wonderful gifts can be used in turn to pull me away from Him if I'm not on my guard.
And they have been.
I can use these gifts to share His word, and help point others to Him... Or I can use them to steal the pen and start trying to write my own story, pushing Him aside, and bringing glory to myself while claiming I am a Christian.
That's a risk I take by choosing to start using the gift God has given me.
There will always be risks when we choose to start using the gifts God has given us, because we live in a fallen world where the enemy is prowling around like a lion, searching for someone to devour.
But the good news is, we have a choice. A daily choice. It's not an easy choice, but we don't have to let our flesh (our sin) rule our lives.
It doesn't mean we'll never sin, we'll still sin daily, but it means that it doesn't have to control us. We are not a slave to our flesh, we are servants of Christ, Who calls us His children, and we get to choose every new morning who we are going to serve that day. Whether it be our God, or our flesh.
My entire life will be spent fighting my struggle with control. Whether it be in a friendship, in a family relationships, in any romantic relationship God might have planned for the future, or in my spiritual life.
But I pray daily now for Him to help me surrender the pen.
And now, every time I start to steal it back, God is gracious and faithful to gently nudge me, hold out His hand, and say to me, "Jaléna... The pen?"
The choice is ours, daily.
With whatever sin we may be struggling with.
You are not a slave to_______
You're free.
Choose this day whom you will serve.
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