When Your Past Has Imprisoned Your Future

"If You want to use me... show me." I prayed, as three ministers were walking around my church, listening to the Spirit and encouraging people in whatever way they felt led to. 
The time came to a close, and still, no one had come to me and said anything. 
I sat down, slightly disappointed, and reached for a tissue to blow my congested, cold-suffering nose. 
As I was, very unattractively, wiping my nose with the tissue, I said to myself how worthless I was to God right then.
I was sick.
I had a rough voice, and I physically could not do God any good at that moment.
I had admittedly rushed my prayer time that morning, and pushed my Bible reading time to later, because I physically did not feel like I could do it. 
I reflected on all of this, as I crumpled up my tissue in my right hand, and then I noticed someone watching me... and walking towards me.
I looked up and realized it was one of the ministers.
"Hello," he said, "how are you?"
"Good." I replied
"Has anyone ministered to you yet?" He asked
I shook my head softly, "no."
He reached out his hand to mine, "give me your hand."
I placed my left hand in his.
"No, the other one." He said.
I awkwardly laughed as I tried to protest, saying my right hand was holding a tissue and unclean, but he insisted that we wanted that hand.
"What is your name?" He asked, as I slowly placed my hand in his.
"Jaléna" I replied, lowering my head to listen to what he had to say to me.
"Jaléna..." he paused as he looked at my lowered head, "look at me."
I lifted my head.
"Jaléna, don't let your past get in the way of living your future. Be ready to leave all that rubbish behind... All the bullying."
I began to tear up.
He smiled, "see? The Holy Spirit knows you. I don't know you, but He knows you. You're the only one I've mentioned bullying to. Now give my hand a slap. Slap it to show me the bullying's gone."
I weakly brushed my hand on his.
"No, come on, SLAP it" He said. 
I obeyed.
"There we go!" We smiled and I returned it as he walked away.
I was a little disappointed with that, not going to lie.
You see... I've never been bullied. Yeah, sure, a few people here and there have said some things to me, or done some things, that have hurt me, but I've never been bullied. 
Did he have the wrong person? Or maybe he had heard wrong? I didn't know, but I was disappointed in what was supposedly my word from God. 
Still, it moved me to tears. There was something about the moment that was so powerful to me that I just couldn't understand. Why had that touched me so greatly when it had seemingly nothing to do with my life?
I asked God to reveal to me what He wanted me to hear from that, and waited. 
In time, it dawned on me: My past does involve bullying. 
Anxiety is a bully.
Perfectionism is a bully. 
The enemy is a bully.
I was a bully... to myself. 
And honestly to my family too for awhile in my life, and I was having trouble forgiving myself for the girl I used to be before I gave my life to Christ.
When the realization hit me, it shook me. 
I couldn't let my past get in the way of all the good God has in store for my life. I couldn't let the unforgiveness I had for myself get in the way of becoming the woman God has called me to be.
It was time to "leave all that rubbish behind". 
But even with the realization, the part about the bullying wasn't hitting me like I'd hoped God speaking to me would. 
That's when another realization came over me... 
Maybe that wasn't my word.
I own a blog. I have a YouTube channel. I have a good amount of followers on Instagram, and God keeps opening more and more doors for me to face my anxiety, and get into the public eye.
I pray every morning for God to "teach me the words to say, write, and pray", and pray again before I post anything that someone somewhere reading or watching will need to hear it.
I normally never see the result of that, nor do I expect to. If God uses my words or prayers to speak to anyone, that's His doing, not mine. It's between Him and the person, unless they choose to bring it to my attention. 
But maybe... I was meant to share this word. Maybe that part about the bullying wasn't my word after all. Maybe that was God's way of answering my first prayer, "if You want to use me... show me."
Maybe He wants to use my platform, small as it may be, to deliver this word to the right person.
I don't know who you are, I can't see who reads my blog or watches my YouTube channel. 
I don't know if any of you need this or not.
But if you have a past of feeling worthless, whether you made yourself believe it or someone else made you believe it... 
If you have a past life you have trouble forgiving yourself for...
If you've ever been a bully or been bullied...
Get ready to leave all that rubbish behind.
Here's the truth of the matter: 
I don't know you. God knows you. And He wants to speak to your heart. You directly. You personally. 
He loves you beyond words, no matter what other people (or yourself) have made you believe. 
Even when you feel dirty, and like He could never possibly pick you... 
Just like that minister insisted on taking my unclean hand, and looking me directly in the eye, God wants to do the same for you.
It's baffling.
It's mind-blowing.
Nobody can ever understand it.
But that's the beauty of the Gospel. 
The fact that nothings like us can be turned into somethings that are used for bigger things than we could ever imagine.
I still believe God can use imperfect people for great things. 
I still believe God can use broken people for great things.
I still believe God can use lonely people for great things.
I believe because the Bible says He can.
Your past is your testimony. 
Your future?... Why, it's waiting for you to explore. 
Now slap away that past, and venture into your future. 
I pray you never look back alone.
 And when you do, may you feel Jesus standing beside you, holding your hand, and saying to you, "Look at how far you've come."